I Couldn't Do It

I'm heartbroken right now. This was part of the Foster Care experience that I didn't plan on. I just called the county and asked to have Baby 6 removed from my home. I'm crying and feeling so guilty about the whole situation.

I did not know about our adoption when I took the placement for Baby 6. I also had not grieved the loss of Baby 5. Further, I did not account for the energy needed to guide Baby 4 through the transition of losing Baby 5, turning 5yrs old, having his trach removed, and getting a new baby.

Baby 6 is covered in bruises from his tantrums this weekend. Our cabinet doors are broken from him hanging on them. My arms and shoulders are sore from pulling him away from danger and holding him still for diaper changes. I have bruises on my stomach and legs where he bangs his head on me. He's rough all the time- even when he's not being aggressive. I'm positive that with consistent discipline and routine he will improve. The problem is I just can't wait it out with him.

I was told by his caseworker last Wednesday that he would be moved on Friday or today to his relative resource. I called her on Friday and left a message, and this morning I left messages for her and the CPS investigator with no answer. At 11am, I called my caseworker who called someone else which resulted in the baby's caseworker calling me at 11:05. She said she doesn't know when or even if Baby will be discharged from care to his relative resource. There is court on Wednesday, but it's still really up in the air. I nearly burst into tears- I don't know how much more I can handle and you had my hopes up!

Still, I wasn't thinking about disruption. I just needed a physical form filled out for him to give to the adoption agency if he's still going to be here when we bring home our daughter. Caseworker told me to call the Dr. and get that done.

I called the Dr, who had just filled out this form for Baby 4, and she asked me if I knew that one of the questions on the form is "Is there any reason a child should not be placed in the home of the applicant with this patient?". The Dr. told me that she would have to say there is a concern for the safety of another child placed in our home due to 6's behavior. I made my choice right then to disrupt.

I don't know if that statement made by the Dr. would have stopped the adoption, although it certainly wouldn't have helped things, but either way the Dr's statement was true. There is concern for the new baby's safety if 6 is still with us. On top of her being a newborn, our daughter is medically fragile. If 6 can leave bruises on me, what could he do to her? There is no way I would put her in danger.

I've said very strongly worded, opinionated things about families who disrupt. It's a crappy thing to do. It's reckless and harmful. I don't take any of it back. I still think those things. Baby 6 needed someone who was on his side and would help him heal after placement in foster care. His behavior is a direct result of his trauma, and instead of being the end of that road I just added another stop to his instability.

There was a choice to be made between 2 kids, and I made the choice that benefited me most. I'll never have to say "Goodbye' to our daughter, so I chose her. It's not noble, it's selfish. I tried to balance foster care and adoption, and I couldn't do it.

So the plan now is to wait to see how court goes Wednesday. Hopefully he can go home, but if not he'll be moved to a new foster home where he is the only child. He'll be OK in the long run, but I will continue to be another person in a long list of people who failed him. That stinks.