I grieved hard core for Baby 7 & 8.
I climbed my way to the administrator of Child Protective Services in search of therapy for Baby 4 to address Baby 7's death. His caseworker actually said to me that "the trauma" had not affected him because "I mean, does he cry everyday?" I said, "You can't even say what the trauma is, how can my 6 year old live with it?!". It's a really long story that I'm trying to forget, but in the end we see a trauma therapist tomorrow.
We had a service plan review for Baby 4 where everyone comes and talks about where the case is going. Clearly it's still going nowhere fast. Court is next week where we'll do nothing at that time and schedule another date for 6 months out.
Baby 4 is having two surgeries on the same day in a couple weeks, so we've had lots of appointments for that.
This is not foster-related, but my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. She beat breast and ovarian cancer in 2003 and has been in remission for almost 10yrs. Her breast cancer is back now, and it complicates things that she already had the breast removed -so that's not an option this time around.
Still, I started feeling like myself last week. The weather got really nice and I was able to get Baby Girl out of the house and into the sunshine everyday. Over the weekend we were able to get together with a bunch of friends and have several playdates for the kids. We went to the zoo yesterday. Last night I went to see Stuck, It's more than a movie. It's a movement. , with my Mom.
Today we got a Hallelujah. It was my first call from a new matcher in my agency. I had it in my gut that it was a respite call and quickly began going over in my head if we could do a respite right now as we exchanged niceties and small talk. Her call wasn't just to chat, though. Neither was it about a respite. She was calling to see if we could take a newborn baby girl in 30 minutes. Healthy, full term- delivered to my door easier than ordering pizza.
Now in major decisions that affect the whole family, it's only right to pause and consult your spouse. But I didn't. I said yes before I even realized what was happening. Baby 9 was already here before Brandon came home from work. He was really excited though :)
I can not stop staring at her. She is the perfect blend of sweet and sassy. LOTS of hair and the cutest baby neck rolls. She smells like Johnson's and smiles in her sleep.
In no way does adding Baby 9 erase the loss of Baby 7. Life doesn't go on like normal. There is no normal anymore, but she is a really beautiful sign that while life has changed us forever, every moment has been necessary to bring us to this moment. She's the little rainbow after our storm.
We have no inkling or clues about how her story will go. This case is so different from any of our other children. She came to use clearly well cared for. She had bags packed meticulously with new clothes, toys, diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, and bath supplies. That has never happened before. If she stays for week or a year really isn't the point. She's helped us see the light. We'll work just as hard while she's with us to bring light to her life too.
This post was written earlier this week, but I didn't end up posting it because I'm seriously sleep deprived and totally entranced by Baby 9. She is healthy and beautiful. Everyone has settled nicely. While our schedule is overflowing, so are our hearts.