Rainbow Baby

The past month has been CRAY ZAY.

I grieved hard core for Baby 7 & 8.

 I climbed my way to the administrator of Child Protective Services in search of therapy for Baby 4 to address Baby 7's death. His caseworker actually said to me that "the trauma" had not affected him because "I mean, does he cry everyday?" I said, "You can't even say what the trauma is, how can my 6 year old live with it?!". It's a really long story that I'm trying to forget, but in the end we see a trauma therapist tomorrow.

We had a service plan review for Baby 4 where everyone comes and talks about where the case is going. Clearly it's still going nowhere fast. Court is next week where we'll do nothing at that time and schedule another date for 6 months out.

Baby 4 is having two surgeries on the same day in a couple weeks, so we've had lots of appointments for that.

This is not foster-related, but my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. She beat breast and ovarian cancer in 2003 and has been in remission for almost 10yrs. Her breast cancer is back now, and it complicates things that she already had the breast removed -so that's not an option this time around.

Still, I started feeling like myself last week. The weather got really nice and I was able to get Baby Girl out of the house and into the sunshine everyday. Over the weekend we were able to get together with a bunch of friends and have several playdates for the kids. We went to the zoo yesterday. Last night I went to see Stuck, It's more than a movie. It's a movement. , with my Mom.

Today we got a Hallelujah. It was my first call from a new matcher in my agency. I had it in my gut that it was a respite call and quickly began going over in my head if we could do a respite right now as we exchanged niceties and small talk. Her call wasn't just to chat, though. Neither was it about a respite. She was calling to see if we could take a newborn baby girl in 30 minutes. Healthy, full term- delivered to my door easier than ordering pizza.

Now in major decisions that affect the whole family, it's only right to pause and consult your spouse. But I didn't. I said yes before I even realized what was happening. Baby 9 was already here before Brandon came home from work. He was really excited though :)

I can not stop staring at her. She is the perfect blend of sweet and sassy. LOTS of hair and the cutest baby neck rolls. She smells like Johnson's and smiles in her sleep.

In no way does adding Baby 9 erase the loss of Baby 7. Life doesn't go on like normal. There is no normal anymore, but she is a really beautiful sign that while life has changed us forever, every moment has been necessary to bring us to this moment. She's the little rainbow after our storm.

We have no inkling or clues about how her story will go. This case is so different from any of our other children. She came to use clearly well cared for. She had bags packed meticulously with new clothes, toys, diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, and bath supplies. That has never happened before. If she stays for week or  a year really isn't the point. She's helped us see the light. We'll work just as hard while she's with us to bring light to her life too.

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This post was written earlier this week, but I didn't end up posting it because I'm seriously sleep deprived and totally entranced by Baby 9. She is healthy and beautiful. Everyone has settled nicely. While our schedule is overflowing, so are our hearts.

Pieces

Today was a strange day. I had to tell people what was going on. I talked and talked, and cried, and watched Baby 4 cry. A couple people from the county called to check in. The medical examiner submitted his official report and the investigations are closing.

It turns out Baby 7 did not die from SIDS. He had a hole in his stomach that allowed his abdomen to fill with formula and acid. Infection from that situation caused his death. He was very sick already when I saw him for the first time on Monday. The medical examiner said he had never seen this. The Pediatrician said that it happens in older people, but they are usually in a lot of pain and seek help before the situation becomes fatal.  There was nothing that could have prevented his death. It was a condition he was born with and it's symptoms can all be explained by normal baby stuff- He was lethargic, but some newborns sleep all the time. He was fussy at feeding time; could be gas or reflux. He was eating less and less for every bottle, so they switched his formula to a more gentle one.

Baby 8 is susceptible for this because his brother had it, so they have alerted the other foster family and he will be monitored closely by the Dr. His risk drops significantly if he remains healthy through his 7th day of life.

Our homefinding caseworker called to give me the, "This tragedy is not a reflection of you in anyway" speech, and in my hurt I really felt like saying, "So taking Baby 8... that was your way of offering condolences?". It's hard not to feel blamed for 7's death when the choice was made to remove the other baby so quickly. Everyone has so many flattering words about how great we are and how the agency thinks so highly of us, but when they had the opportunity to back us up and try to work with Bio-Mom they didn't even try. She's grieving and they wanted to make her feel better. OK, I really really do get that. Honestly though, how much better does she feel? Is her grief relieved because her baby is in yet another house without her? Probably not, but now we have lost 2 babies and are left with only the comfort of knowing no one thinks we killed them. Thank you foster care.

I believe in Divine planning and I really think everything happens for a reason. I don't know what possible reason can explain Baby 7 being born only to live for five days in pain while no one even knew. I do know that the foster Mom for Baby 8 was called about the twins before we were and she did not take them. I know that she has a prior connection to the family. It keeps coming to my mind that perhaps she was always supposed to have Baby 8, but she wouldn't have been able to have 7 die in her house the way he did here. Maybe that was my role all along. If I knew going into this that my role was to watch 7 die so this other Mom wouldn't have to, I think I still would have said yes. I just would have spent those 16 hrs I had with them differently and I would not have involved Baby 4.

I am obsessively looking at pictures of the boys. I have none of Baby 7 with his whole face showing because his hands were always up by his mouth and he was always wearing little baby hats. The best picture I have of his face was post-mortem in the hospital. I never took pictures of his little feet. I never even held both babies at the same time. We ran out of time too soon. They were both asleep by 9pm and I thought it was best to get them in their cribs and get some rest while I could, but I wish I had held them while they slept. I slept through almost half of the time I was given with them.

We are left to pick up the pieces of the whole ordeal. I ordered a memorial plaque and a personalized wooden block for Baby 7. I desperately want to share his picture, but can't. I just want to do what I need to do, to feel what I need to feel, so I can get through this. We were set to go on vacation tomorrow to visit a friend who lives in South Carolina. We cancelled that trip when we got the babies, but still have the child care arrangements for 4 and Baby Girl as well as our travel budget. Brandon and I are talking about maybe getting away this weekend somewhere not too far just to reset and recharge a bit.

We haven't decided what we are going to do with all the baby stuff we set up for the boys. I sent everything I bought for each of them as well as any blankets or clothes they used while they were here. I didn't know what else to do with it. It's not like I would ever put another baby in the clothes I bought for our baby who died. But all the newborn boy clothes that I pulled out of attic, but never used. Or the bassinet in our room or the pack'n'play in the living room. And the changing table with the infant tub on the second shelf. I haven't done anything with the infant car seats in the van. Putting them away to me means going back to normal- which doesn't feel right. Keeping them out makes me feel like we are anticipating another baby- which makes me feel like we are trying to replace Baby 8. At the same time, though, I really want another baby. Just last week I felt like maybe foster care was over for us and now I'm hoping they call us tomorrow. In my heart, though, I only want them to call if they have healthy newborn twin boys who aren't going to die on my living room throwrug. Soo... that doesn't seem like a healthy place to be bringing kids home to.

I've been rambling like this all day. I'll spare you any more of this. Thank you for all the prayers and kind words. They have really been helping. The support from other foster parents has been amazing. We are a great little community.

Heavy Hearts

At 5pm yesterday, I picked up the twins. They were tiny and perfect. I brought them home to a huge welcoming party with everyone in anxious anticipation for their arrival. Yes, yesterday was a very good day.

This morning, the boys were napping -on their backs- on a blanket- on the living room floor. I was sitting right next to them and 6 feet away Baby Girl played with her nurse om the carpet. Baby 4 leaned over the babies and said, "He's got boogers". I went to wipe Baby 7's face and his head turned to the side and out of his nose poured foamy yellow discharge. I picked him up and realized he wasn't breathing. Baby Girl's nurse started CPR while I called the ambulance. The baby gained his angel wings before he got to the hospital.


SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants aged one month to one year. 

African American Babies have a 2 times greater risk of SIDS.



When their Mother was notified, she was obviously distraught and wanted Baby 8 removed from our home. The caseworker felt this was the right choice for everyone involved. They picked up 8 this afternoon and placed him in another foster home. While we certainly understand the decision, it leaves us in a desolate place. We love these babies and are grieving. There is no closure for us. There is no service or bereavement group. Most of our friends hadn't even heard we got the babies, and now they are finding out about this. I feel like my heart break isn't valid because we had them such a short time, but valid or not- I'm devastated.

CPS and the Police department are conducting their investigations. Several people came in and out today- taking pictures and interviewing us. Autopsy results will ultimately close both investigations. Our agency assured us this will not affect Baby 4's placement or our certification. There will be a court date to discuss the "Fatality of a child in foster care", but we shouldn't have to go to that. The nurse that was here was told she could be subpoenaed to testify.

We are going to take some time to grieve and heal. Please pray for Baby 7's family.

Can you keep a secret?

I'm a little done with foster care. We got our re-certification packet int he mail this week and it was the first time it seemed inconvenient to fill out the forms and get a physical in order to continue to keep our foster home open.

We didn't get TPR for baby 4 this month. Instead, the county just offered to suspend everything for another year. So we go back in 2014 to talk about permanence- 3 years after removal.

Our adoption for Baby Girl was finalized one week after the suspended judgement. Although she's always been "ours", having her be really for real- like I don't have to call anyone if we want to leave the country with her or wonder what a judge will think of my home- is really liberating, and normal. I never wanted to be normal, but I think maybe I'm old enough to start considering it.

So we started talking about our future in foster care. Clearly we will stay certified because we need to see Baby 4's case through, but after that we will likely have 2 forever kids with medical needs that require plenty of attention. We thought maybe we should only take respite kids for now. So we did.

We got a call for a 4 day respite. A 5yr old girl and her 1 yr old brother. And I nearly died. They were cute as buttons. The baby was pudgy and so sweet, like seriously edible. It was the first time I felt like they were someone else's kids and didn't belong with us. That never happens. I usually feel like any kid could some into our family and find a place. When we got the call to take them again two weeks later, I said no.

Both of the matchers in our agency have been replaced in the past 6 months. The new matchers don't know us, and we haven't gone out of our way to introduce ourselves or ask for kids because we were uncertain. That hasn't stopped them from calling though. Calls for placements- a 7 year old girl severely underweight, and 11 yr old boy who does great in school, a 9 year old girl who has autism- No. No, No...

Baby 4 and Baby Girl are having surgery in May. We are scheduled to go on vacation next week for spring break. We aren't sure if our love story has turned a new page.

Then today we got a Hallelujah. The matcher said, "I have a possible placement", and I got my "No" ready.

Born today... No Information... Discharge on Monday... Twins... Boys....

The matcher got silence.

"Can I call my husband? I'll call you right back."

I got an equal amount of silence when I asked Brandon. He asked me what I wanted him to say. I wanted him to say no so I could blame him for the whole ordeal. He said yes and I squealed.

 Who am I kidding?! I love this. In what other universe do you pick up your phone on a Friday and bring home 2 babies on Monday? We have the room. We have the time and skills. They need a home and we have been blessed with more home than we need. I am SO EXCITED and totally going to do foster care forever.

So I went to Walmart and bought cute little matching outfits and snowsuits, teeny tiny diapers, and baby boy pacifier clips. It's been a year since I did that for Baby Girl and 4 years since doing it the very first time for Baby 1. That trip to Walmart does not get old.

Something is different though, and that's where the secret comes in. There is literally no information on the boys. Nothing about family or possible relatives that could take them. I'm convinced we can do this, but I'm not 100% convinced they are actually coming. We can't see them until Monday. I don't know their names. I've decided to keep this placement on a need to know basis because it just might not happen. But I had to tell someone, so I thought I'd start with the whole internet. So just don't tell anyone, OK?

Twins.

Oh, and we have Baby 2 & 3 for the weekend too. When it rains, it pours!

We're Alive

Foster Care has felt a lot like treading water lately. I'm putting forth the effort, but getting nowhere. Behaviors are the same. Caseworkers are ambivalent and no help at all. The name issue from August got dredged up again today. TPR is in less than a month, but I'm being told not to hang my hat on anything. Relative resource's second home study hasn't been started yet, but she's coming up for the trial. I feel like baby 4 is mine. He's been with us 2 years. We love him and he loves us. I'm still working to prepare him for anything, but it's hard because he needs answers, not all the possibilities  I hate working with the public school system and wish I could homeschool. I am literally feeling all the frustration from the beginning of the case multiplied by every single court date where we've gotten nothing accomplished. So here I stay, just trying to keep my head my head above water, and wishing I was a little more in love with our love story.

Oh, and leave it to me to complicate things: We are finalizing our daughter's adoption with the same judge that has Baby 4's case exactly one week after TPR. I can't leave him out. Baby 4 is so excited to go, but he is still asking if the judge will let him get adopted too. I kind of hope he asks her why he can't be adopted in the cutest little 6yr old voice he can muster.

So, that's that. We're still here and I think I'll have a lot of drama blog material coming up in just a few weeks.

On a positive note:

 We had a great birthday party for Baby 4 this month and some of the Bios came and acted very appropriately. It was a good day.

We've gotten to have Baby 2 &3 spend the weekend several times since Christmas and they are perfect.

I'm teaching another MAPP class right now and really enjoying the grown up time out of the house.

Baby 4 told me yesterday that when I get really old, and then turn into a kid again, he'll be my Valentine :)

Baby 4's Valentine's day heart <3

Second verse, Same as the First!

I haven't had much chance, or maybe much will, to write about foster care.

We had court before Christmas and I was hoping we'd walk out with a surrender. Instead we walked into the twilight zone.

First thing I was hit with was the accusation that we are allowing 4 to use vulgar language. I have never heard 4 use a certified swear word- he usually slips up with little boy "bad words" like shut up or stupid, but nothing serious. Dad told the law guardian that 4 said G**D***It at the last visit and then, upon questioning, told Dad that we taught him that word. Dad ignored the fact that he uses expletives in front of 4 all the time, and the fact that 4 is in school and rides the bus with kids 3-4years older than him, and in general is a 5 year old boy exposed culture through normal daily activities. He instead felt that us teaching this language was probable. The law guardian asked if we ever used profanity in our home, and I said no. She said it wasn't a big deal to her, but since Dad was complaining it probably means he's not planning to sign anything today.

Sure enough, When we went into court, his lawyer said there is no chance for a settlement in this matter and they are asking to go to trial. The judge scheduled that for March and alluded to a "suspended judgement"- which means she will do the trial and then give Dad one more year to get 4 back before issuing the TPR. After court, all the attorneys said that is what they think will happen.

The county attorney and the law guardian wanted to get something done that day, so they brought up Relative Resource's custody petition and asked for it to be dismissed based on her not passing the homestudy. The law guardian said that the judge could not legally send 4 to RR without an approved homestudy. The judge said, "Well, I'm ordering a new one now.".

So basically the judge bumped us back to the very beginning of the case. Dad will get another year to try, RR will take a year to get her homestudy done. Then we'll have to go to court to dismiss her petition. Then the judge will terminate parental rights. Then Dad gets 2 appeals. Then we can adopt.

And Baby 4 will have been in foster care for 5 years by that time.  I love Baby 4, and I'm scared about his future.

I'm not nervous about 4 leaving. I'm nervous about what 5 years in care- with no answers, no certainty, no true family- will do to his sensitive spirit. I'm scared that his spirit will learn not to be so sensitive anymore.

I've been having really honest conversations about foster care and adoption with 4. I don't know how my agency would feel about it (or maybe I do), but it can't get me in trouble because I'm being honest and age appropriate. We've talked about why 4 is in care. He remembers the big incident and injuries that happened before he came to live with us, but Dad had no part in that. Dad has never hurt him at all, so it's confusing to 4 why he can't just go to Dad (it's confusing to Dad too, I think).

We've been talking about what it takes to keep kids safe. The parent needs to be healthy in their bodies so they can take care of the kid. They need to treat their body well. They need to have a place for the kid to keep all of their things and get showered and dressed for school everyday. The parent needs to take the child to the Dr. and make sure they take their medicine. It's really hard to be a parent.

I'm also doing some bubble-bursting in terms of this fantasy life that is waiting for 4 just across the bloodline. There are rules in every house. There is homework at every house. There are vegetables at every house. The big thing is that living somewhere else means not living here anymore. Baby 4 doesn't get it. He says he wants to live someplace else, but when you push him he says that he'll still sleep here and his toys will still be here. I felt like it was important for him to know that's not how it works.

These conversations aren't about swaying him to want to live only here, but they are helping him understand that it's a big decision to choose where a kid should live so it takes a while to get answers.

That's that. This is the part of our story where the system fails. Everyone keeps saying that at least 4 is safe and not going anywhere, and it's true. The system isn't a complete failure, it just could work better if it wanted to. Which is actually not so comforting.

First Day- December

Angela saved the blog!! Thank you!

December 1st was spent decorating and taking Christmas pictures for our cards. I have purchased Christmas cards for the past few years, but this year I will actually mail them out... probably...maybe...

Blogger Help!

Blogger won't let me add any pictures to this blog unless I pay $2.49/mo. They said I have used the free allotment. I'm refusing to pay to blog. Is there any way to get around this? Are other bloggers paying to post pictures? I'm bummed about this! I would so appreciate any help you could give me. Thank you!

Quick Update: No hospital stays for Baby Girl. Baby 4 has gotten 2 concussions at visits in the past month. We had to spend the night in the Intensive Care Unit after he barfed all over my house and stopped speaking and walking. We have 1/2 a surrender. BioMom signed a surrender this week, and we anticipate Dad doing the same later this month. The surrender with Dad includes visits with him and Relative Resource out of state (at their expense). It's very unconventional and the county is having a hard time with it, but I would rather risk him leaving the state once/year than staying in foster care for 2 solid years with visits twice/week. It helps that I'm pretty confident these visits won't happen when they realize how much it will actually cost to pull it off. We are looking forward to having a Christmas with 2 forever babies.

When I figure out how, I'll be posting First Day photos and I have a great adoption story shared by a good friend.

First Day- November

November!! We've officially been hospital free for the longest stretch ever since bringing home Baby Girl!! This month I'm thankful to have a crazy rollercoaster exciting and full life taking care of my babies. Today I stocked the freezer with homemade baby food and Cat tested it out during feeding therapy. Baby 4 came back from his visit and told me "Daddy wants a big booty girl for his birthday". There is nothing this kid and his Bios won't say. Here's our 1st day:

I Quit

Ok, not really. I feel a little bit like quitting, though, because this fostering stuff is hard work. You know what else is hard work? Trying to write anonymous posts when you really just want to tell the world every crappy thing that foster care has done to your child and family. But, Alas, I am neither quitting foster care or blogging. I'll find a way to make it work.

I wanted to let you know that "update Love Story" is on my To Do list. There has been so much going on with Baby 4, and it's all so frustrating and crazy. But we're here and still moving along. This is what you can expect from the next couple of posts as I get the chance to write them:

Relative Resource came up for court last week and had a visit with Baby 4 where we met at a public place. 

Nothing happened officially in court.

TPR has been filed and we go for the 1st appearance next month

My homefinding caseworker single handedly took on CPS to get 4 the therapy he needs. It turned really ugly

BioDad has decided he doesn't like us and feels it's OK to voice that to Baby 4 at visits.

Relative Resource plans to come back for court next month

We got Baby 2 & 3 for the long weekend and it was awesome.

I'm not prepared to ride this case out for 2 more years, though I think it may take that long to adopt Baby 4

It's our love story, but it's not all lovely.

Messy and difficult? Yes. Totally worth it? Yes.