20 Year Old Me

I took some time today to read through my journal from 2006. I was 20yrs old, married 1yr, working my 1st real job teaching preschool, and just becoming aware of our fertility issues. Ironically, I was also becoming acutely conscious of Foster Care, but never thought it would touch my family so directly.

5 years ago this month I wrote:
"Found out that the parents of 2 boys we have at school died in an accident today. The police had to come to school and tell the boys. They were foster parents and the brothers were taken to a new foster home from school. It makes everything I go through seem so trivial"

"I took a pregnancy test today."

"I took a pregnancy test today."

"Maybe God is just waiting to bless us with a baby and we won't have fertility issues forever"

"I took a pregnancy test today." - Yep- I'm a home pregnancy test addict, 2yrs sober :)

"Went to the wake for Mr. and Mrs. Foster Parent. I found out they wanted to adopt the boys but never got to. They set up a fund for them to go to college and all the gifts and donations that come in are going to be for the boys. They changed these kids lives even after they died. It's so sad."


I had no idea what Brandon and I were really getting ready for. All the frustration and sadness brought us to a place where we could take the direction to switch paths. God wasn't waiting to bless us with A baby, but several babies. I've never carried a child in my body, but I've birthed a legacy bigger than any dream I ever had. We went from a world filled with doubt and disappointment to a world of hope and purpose. I never thought for a second I could help a child who needed a Mom. I was willing to settle for normal and expected. It never crossed my mind that ordinary people can affect extraordinary change.

20 year old me was really innocent and genuine. If I could go back and talk to her. I'd say, "Hang on, it keeps getting better from here. Oh, and you'll save enough money to take a lavish vacation if you stop buying $12 pregnancy tests twice per week.". I wouldn't change a single experience, even the negative ones, because I needed to learn how to heal after loss and deal with disappointment. I needed to long for a dream to make me thankful for the blessings that I have. Even though my intentions were good 5 yrs ago, if I would have gotten what I wanted I would have missed everything that I cherish today.

These past five years went by so fast and ,WOW, did they bring a lot of change. The decision to post this was really rooted in reminding myself how fast life moves and to trust the process. Today's pain and frustration may just become tomorrow's great treasures. I appreciate 20 year old me for learning all the hard stuff, and writing really funny journal entries that were intended to be "deep".