At the Foster parent panel that we spoke on last month, we picked up a fun phone trick from one of the other foster families. They use Google Voice for all calls between them and their child's Biofamily. Google voice is a free service that allows you to create a phone number that will ring any and all of your phones without effecting the telephone service you have now. This means you can give your bios this phone number and have it ring at your house, your cell, and your partner's cell so you don't miss a call from them. I actually didn't sign up for this function since my cell phone is always on me, but I can see how other people might find it convenient.
What I love about Google voice is that it can't be traced back to your address like home phone numbers or some cell phone numbers can be. You don't even provide that information to Google at all when signing up- just your phone number and email address.
I also like that because it is not connected to your real number, you can disconnect or change it if the situation with the Bios becomes unsafe and it won't effect the rest of your calls on your real number. On the flip side, you could also change your real number (like if you move into another area code) and keep your Google voice number so that the bios (or kids that have gone home) can reach you by dialing a number that is local to them.
It also will transcribe all of your voicemails and text sent to your google phone number into an email. This is PERFECT for foster care where we are supposed to document everything. One of our cases had a parent who became very hostile with us at times. This parent would leave me angry voicemails that I would save and let the caseworker listen to later. I wish I would have had a written transcript of those messages to give to the caseworker and child's attorney.
Fun trick, right? I thought so too. Since everyone involved with our current cases already has our real number, I won't be using this much until the next placement. I'm really glad I know about it though!!
While we're on the topic of phones- You've probably heard me talk about "Hallelujah Calls" from our county's matchers. This is a cute blog name for the call, but it's also the ringtone I have set for their numbers. Having the matchers' numbers programed in my phone with a specific ring helps me know that I need to pick up the phone and not let it go to voicemail. Here is the link to the free ringtone. Just put in your phone number and they'll text to you: Hallelujah Chorus Ringtone
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Dear Fosterlings
About a month ago we got an exciting opportunity to speak on a panel to a class of prospective foster parents who are getting ready for certification and their families. We were supposed to talk about our experience and give some tricks of the trade to these new fosterlings. When Brandon and I were going through our initial training there were nurses from foster care's pediatrician office, a matcher, a homefinding caseworker, a management worker, an adoption worker, and 3 foster families. On this panel there were 6 foster families and 1 management worker. Foster parents LOVE.TO.TALK. It is what it is- we have a lot to say. By the time it was our turn to tell our story, I felt pressed to finish up quickly and I only said about half of what I wanted to tell the class. I tried to stick to stuff that the other families hadn't talked about, and I ended up making us sound like we only take respites. I kicked myself all the way home thinking, "I should have said this. I should have said that. They need to know this stuff!!!". I did say, "Go read some foster care blogs!", so maybe they'll stumble upon this post. I know at least one of them found us- Hi Rachael!!
Here's my experience and tricks- for fosterlings:
Hi, My name is Teresa Foster Parent. My husband an I have been foster parents for a little over 2 years. We have seen 13 children come into our home during that time- 5 placements and 8 respites. After our last MAPP class, it took a little less than a month to become certified. It was 2 weeks from our official 1st day open to bringing home our 1st child.
We got the call for our 1st baby- a healthy newborn- at noon and we picked him up at 6pm. He came with just a onesie and enough formula for 2 bottles. I had gone to Walmart before picking him up and had what we needed already. Trick- have some money set aside for new placements. We spend $250-$300 on our first couple of Walmart runs for our kids. Since the clothing check and daily stipend won't come for 6weeks after the child is in your home, you'll need to have cash on hand. Also, even though our kids are automatically qualified for WIC, it can take up to a month to actually get an appointment, so you'll be buying formula until then and that money does not get reimbursed. We replace our "new child" fund when the child's 1st check comes in.We were initially told he would stay for 3 months, and he stayed for 8 months before returning to his Dad. He had 5 visits/ week because his parents didn't get long well enough to visit together. Eventually he was doing 2 supervised visits during the week with Mom and spent weekends with his Dad. I learned with him how unpredictable court can be- we had him packed and ready to leave several times over those 8 months only to have the judge extend his stay with us. We went to court with him every other week for 8 months. How often you go to court solely depends on the judge. The judge in our next case only held court every 4-6months. Trick- Go to court when possible. It will give you a better picture of what's happening in the case, and let the judge see you and see that you are there for the kid. You will also have the chance to interact with the child's parents and lawyer. When the baby was returned we had 11 days notice before the move.
3 days before our 1st baby went home, we got the call for a sibling group. The boys were 18 mo and newborn. We had 20 minutes between the call and picking up our 2nd son. He was in the CPS investigators car on his way to the agency when the matcher called and I got there as fast as I could. I brought him with me to Walmart that day. He had only the clothes on his back and a coat that the caseworker had in her office. Everything was bought and ready when his little brother was released from the hospital (with no possessions) 2 weeks later. The judge ordered jail visits with one of the parents for the boys every week. I accompanied the children and their caseworker to the jail 3 times. Trick- transport children to their visits when you can and really try to do the 1st visit so you can meet the parents and start positive communication. Parents will usually cause less trouble for you if you extend yourself to them We were still at the supervised visit level when Dad asked to have the boys for Christmas. There wouldn't be anyone to transport or supervise on Christmas day, but the judge left it to the "county's discretion". We decided that it would be best for our sons to have both of their families on Christmas. We had our relatives over for Christmas breakfast and presents and then did dinner at their Dad's house. We offered to supervise the 3hr Christmas day visit. Trick- you will never regret going above and beyond for the children you love.
We were childless for 3 weeks before getting the call for our 4 yr old. During that time we got several calls for children who were out of our age range. Trick- It's really important to be honest about your families abilities and comfort zone. We don't have any older children in our family or close friends, and we haven't ever worked with high functioning older children. There is a lot to be said for people who can stretch beyond their ideal placement and help an older child than they expected. However, if you legitimately can not parent a child they call you for, you have to say no for the sake of the child. No child deserves a parent that wishes they never took him. We have said no at least 10 times since being certified and they always call us again with children in our age range. Saying no will not make the matchers dislike you. Our 4 yr old son is medically frail and we needed a lot of training to care for him. While he has been our most challenging child, he has also been the most rewarding. We have seen him progress so much this year. Taking a child with special needs requires more time and advocating than other placements. Since his condition can become life threatening and his family and caseworker were not proficient in his care, I have had to stay with him in visits and have spent quite a bit of time in the hospital and at appts. All of his medical expenses are covered as well as his equipment and supplies. I've never even had to purchase a gauze pad out of pocket. There is so much support provided for foster parents who take in medically fragile or behaviorally challenged children- including respite care where the child can spend some time in another foster home while you take a short break. Trick- When you get certified, you will be assigned a Homefinding caseworker. This is YOUR caseworker- she's the one who will do your yearly re-certs and will be available to provide support when you get placements. You'll be working closely with your child's caseworker, but they won't be helping you work through your feelings or figure out your role. Lean on your Homefinder, she will be very valuable to you. There have been many times when my homefinder has been able to help me sort out confusing or frustrating things that come up in our cases.
Here's my experience and tricks- for fosterlings:
Hi, My name is Teresa Foster Parent. My husband an I have been foster parents for a little over 2 years. We have seen 13 children come into our home during that time- 5 placements and 8 respites. After our last MAPP class, it took a little less than a month to become certified. It was 2 weeks from our official 1st day open to bringing home our 1st child.
We got the call for our 1st baby- a healthy newborn- at noon and we picked him up at 6pm. He came with just a onesie and enough formula for 2 bottles. I had gone to Walmart before picking him up and had what we needed already. Trick- have some money set aside for new placements. We spend $250-$300 on our first couple of Walmart runs for our kids. Since the clothing check and daily stipend won't come for 6weeks after the child is in your home, you'll need to have cash on hand. Also, even though our kids are automatically qualified for WIC, it can take up to a month to actually get an appointment, so you'll be buying formula until then and that money does not get reimbursed. We replace our "new child" fund when the child's 1st check comes in.We were initially told he would stay for 3 months, and he stayed for 8 months before returning to his Dad. He had 5 visits/ week because his parents didn't get long well enough to visit together. Eventually he was doing 2 supervised visits during the week with Mom and spent weekends with his Dad. I learned with him how unpredictable court can be- we had him packed and ready to leave several times over those 8 months only to have the judge extend his stay with us. We went to court with him every other week for 8 months. How often you go to court solely depends on the judge. The judge in our next case only held court every 4-6months. Trick- Go to court when possible. It will give you a better picture of what's happening in the case, and let the judge see you and see that you are there for the kid. You will also have the chance to interact with the child's parents and lawyer. When the baby was returned we had 11 days notice before the move.
3 days before our 1st baby went home, we got the call for a sibling group. The boys were 18 mo and newborn. We had 20 minutes between the call and picking up our 2nd son. He was in the CPS investigators car on his way to the agency when the matcher called and I got there as fast as I could. I brought him with me to Walmart that day. He had only the clothes on his back and a coat that the caseworker had in her office. Everything was bought and ready when his little brother was released from the hospital (with no possessions) 2 weeks later. The judge ordered jail visits with one of the parents for the boys every week. I accompanied the children and their caseworker to the jail 3 times. Trick- transport children to their visits when you can and really try to do the 1st visit so you can meet the parents and start positive communication. Parents will usually cause less trouble for you if you extend yourself to them We were still at the supervised visit level when Dad asked to have the boys for Christmas. There wouldn't be anyone to transport or supervise on Christmas day, but the judge left it to the "county's discretion". We decided that it would be best for our sons to have both of their families on Christmas. We had our relatives over for Christmas breakfast and presents and then did dinner at their Dad's house. We offered to supervise the 3hr Christmas day visit. Trick- you will never regret going above and beyond for the children you love.
We were childless for 3 weeks before getting the call for our 4 yr old. During that time we got several calls for children who were out of our age range. Trick- It's really important to be honest about your families abilities and comfort zone. We don't have any older children in our family or close friends, and we haven't ever worked with high functioning older children. There is a lot to be said for people who can stretch beyond their ideal placement and help an older child than they expected. However, if you legitimately can not parent a child they call you for, you have to say no for the sake of the child. No child deserves a parent that wishes they never took him. We have said no at least 10 times since being certified and they always call us again with children in our age range. Saying no will not make the matchers dislike you. Our 4 yr old son is medically frail and we needed a lot of training to care for him. While he has been our most challenging child, he has also been the most rewarding. We have seen him progress so much this year. Taking a child with special needs requires more time and advocating than other placements. Since his condition can become life threatening and his family and caseworker were not proficient in his care, I have had to stay with him in visits and have spent quite a bit of time in the hospital and at appts. All of his medical expenses are covered as well as his equipment and supplies. I've never even had to purchase a gauze pad out of pocket. There is so much support provided for foster parents who take in medically fragile or behaviorally challenged children- including respite care where the child can spend some time in another foster home while you take a short break. Trick- When you get certified, you will be assigned a Homefinding caseworker. This is YOUR caseworker- she's the one who will do your yearly re-certs and will be available to provide support when you get placements. You'll be working closely with your child's caseworker, but they won't be helping you work through your feelings or figure out your role. Lean on your Homefinder, she will be very valuable to you. There have been many times when my homefinder has been able to help me sort out confusing or frustrating things that come up in our cases.
We had Baby 4 for 6months when we got the call for a newborn being released from the hospital. We got the call at 5:30 on Thursday and I picked him up at 3:00 on Friday. So far his case has been relatively uneventful. We were matched with him because we had provided respite for his sister when she was in care. Trick- Say yes to some respite calls. We've taken 8 kids for respite, and we love it. It's basically babysitting, and at the very least it will help you network with other foster families and it could lead to a placement for you. I've even heard of cases where the foster family decides not adopt a child in their care and the family that did respite was able to adopt that child.
Some other tips we have are:
Give the child's parents copies of pictures you take while you have them. It will help you build a relationship with them, and it will allow your child to have pictures of special times when they go back home. The pictures you take may be the only baby picture or 1st day of school picture that's ever taken of them.
Go to the trainings offered by the county. Foster parenting is hard and we can use all the preparation we can get. There is a legal training and "saying Goodbye" training that are excellent. The class you should take ASAP is Fostering the Sexually Abused Child. At some point, most foster parents will deal with issues talked about in that class. It's sad, but true and you don't want to get caught off guard.
Document everything you do in foster care. Keep receipts of all the clothing you buy the child, have a notebook for each child where you write down when you speak to the caseworker, child's attorney, parents or other family, etc. I like to keep most of my communication with caseworkers on email, so I have a paper trail.
Call or email the matchers when you want children placed with you. Remind them of any special training or experience you have and if you'll take any special needs. The fresher you are in their mind when they get a child to place, the quicker you'll get a call.
Read Read Read!! There a lot of great books you should pick up, but get these 2 first:
Success As A Foster Parent: Everything You Need To Know About Foster Care is a very great resource and an easy, fast read that comes from the National Foster Parent Association
20 things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
Go to some free sample websites and look for offers for free samples of diapers or formula. Pampers and Huggies offer these periodically, and it's an easy way to have some extras around the house just in case you need a diaper to hold a new baby over while you run to the store.
There's still so much more, but I've been working on this post for a month now so I think this is enough. There is so much to say to new foster families. This journey is hard and long. You'll feel like you're lost sometimes. However, there are some really great companions traveling the same road, so reach out to them. Every tough time is more than made up for in smiles, hugs, and silly dances. Having a real impact on your community and another human being is amazing. You won't regret it.
Concurrent Planning = Emotional Entrapment
Most foster parents are aware of ASFA. The Federal Adoption and Safe Families Act was signed into law in 1997 and changed foster care in many ways- one was shortening the time a child can be in care. No longer could kids float around the system for years and years while their parents continue to make zero progress towards getting them back. Now, Termination of parental rights and an alternate permanency goal can be pursued after a child has been in care for 15 of the past 22 months.
Then NY enacted their own ASFA in 1999 which tightened up how we do things in these parts. One of the biggest was how we plan for permanency when a child enters care. ASFA encourages concurrent planning. In concurrent planning there are 2 "tracks" towards permanency moving along at the same time. The first is always "return to parent", and the other can be adoption, legal guardianship, permanent placement with a fit and willing relative, or another planned and permanent living arrangement which could include independent living, group home, or nursing home. This concurrent planning helps keep our time frame for achieving permanency for our kids and prevents incidents of children lingering in care after their parent's rights have been terminated.
All of our kids have had concurrent plans of "Return to Parent" and "Adoption" with us listed as that adoptive resource. We want to adopt, and we've been sincere about being ready to adopt any and all of our kids. BUT we are well-trained foster parents and we know that reunification is the goal of foster care, and we've been as supportive of that as possible. I, specifically, have done ridiculous things to aid reunification including but not limited to: driving a Dad to his substance abuse treatment program, facilitating a visit on Christmas Day when no county workers were willing, and most recently (yesterday) booking a flight for relative resource to come here for court. She paid for the ticket, but I went online, found the best price, secured her seat, printed the confirmation and mailed it to her. What?! I know!!!
I don't want to keep a child who could have gone home if his family had gotten more support. I want to adopt the child who truly needed a family. When the child I adopt is an adult, I'm going to be able to say, "I tried everything to keep you with your family. I fought for your parents so they could fight for you. You were always loved, and we adopted you because it was honestly the best thing.". I do all these crazy things with our Bios because (1) I'm a lunatic and (2) I want all of my actions and motives to be pure and selfless. Sometimes I fall short of that "pure and selfless" part, but I'm working on it and getting better with each case.
With our 1st placement, my language was much different. People would ask, "Are you going to adopt him?" and I'd say "Hopefully". Then our 2nd case it was, "Maybe, but it changes so much I don't know.". Today, Baby 4's teacher asked me about adoption and I said, "Oh. We don't even think about adoption for 2yrs.". Keeping my head in the fostering game and not letting it slip into pre-adoption territory is healthier and easier, and all around appropriate for the situation. It's not that I don't daydream of adoption and name changes and Gotcha Day celebrations, but I don't linger there...as much.
And right as I'm becoming the balanced person I've always hoped to be, I get this email from 4's caseworker:
Another question, I wanted to ask you now rather in front of [baby 4], if we decide to terminate father and mother’s rights, are your willing to adopt [baby 4]?
Just in case fostering alone wasn't emotionally consuming enough- concurrent planning has to slap me in the face with what ifs, maybes, and selfish high hopes. Adoption is still just a back up plan, but it's in the forefront of my mind. We're going to add concurrent planning to the list of foster care related topics that can give me a migraine and/or cause me to eat large amounts of chocolate.
Then NY enacted their own ASFA in 1999 which tightened up how we do things in these parts. One of the biggest was how we plan for permanency when a child enters care. ASFA encourages concurrent planning. In concurrent planning there are 2 "tracks" towards permanency moving along at the same time. The first is always "return to parent", and the other can be adoption, legal guardianship, permanent placement with a fit and willing relative, or another planned and permanent living arrangement which could include independent living, group home, or nursing home. This concurrent planning helps keep our time frame for achieving permanency for our kids and prevents incidents of children lingering in care after their parent's rights have been terminated.
All of our kids have had concurrent plans of "Return to Parent" and "Adoption" with us listed as that adoptive resource. We want to adopt, and we've been sincere about being ready to adopt any and all of our kids. BUT we are well-trained foster parents and we know that reunification is the goal of foster care, and we've been as supportive of that as possible. I, specifically, have done ridiculous things to aid reunification including but not limited to: driving a Dad to his substance abuse treatment program, facilitating a visit on Christmas Day when no county workers were willing, and most recently (yesterday) booking a flight for relative resource to come here for court. She paid for the ticket, but I went online, found the best price, secured her seat, printed the confirmation and mailed it to her. What?! I know!!!
I don't want to keep a child who could have gone home if his family had gotten more support. I want to adopt the child who truly needed a family. When the child I adopt is an adult, I'm going to be able to say, "I tried everything to keep you with your family. I fought for your parents so they could fight for you. You were always loved, and we adopted you because it was honestly the best thing.". I do all these crazy things with our Bios because (1) I'm a lunatic and (2) I want all of my actions and motives to be pure and selfless. Sometimes I fall short of that "pure and selfless" part, but I'm working on it and getting better with each case.
With our 1st placement, my language was much different. People would ask, "Are you going to adopt him?" and I'd say "Hopefully". Then our 2nd case it was, "Maybe, but it changes so much I don't know.". Today, Baby 4's teacher asked me about adoption and I said, "Oh. We don't even think about adoption for 2yrs.". Keeping my head in the fostering game and not letting it slip into pre-adoption territory is healthier and easier, and all around appropriate for the situation. It's not that I don't daydream of adoption and name changes and Gotcha Day celebrations, but I don't linger there...as much.
And right as I'm becoming the balanced person I've always hoped to be, I get this email from 4's caseworker:
Another question, I wanted to ask you now rather in front of [baby 4], if we decide to terminate father and mother’s rights, are your willing to adopt [baby 4]?
Let me know. Thanks J
Just in case fostering alone wasn't emotionally consuming enough- concurrent planning has to slap me in the face with what ifs, maybes, and selfish high hopes. Adoption is still just a back up plan, but it's in the forefront of my mind. We're going to add concurrent planning to the list of foster care related topics that can give me a migraine and/or cause me to eat large amounts of chocolate.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
From This Moment
I got a call Friday from Baby 5's caseworker that was very expected. His case is moving along nicely and November will bring a lot of changes for him, and as a result- us. There are a lot of milestones that come with fostering- The Call, Meeting the Bios, The 1yr Mark. This conversation with the caseworker where she pretty much said, "Get ready. Get packed." and "Get him down to the lab Tuesday for DNA testing" brought me to a milestone- The Moment.
The Moment is when you realize that this child who was placed in your home "temporarily" with "reunification being the goal" has your entire heart in his tiny little fist and will be ripping it out when he leaves. It's The Moment when you panic because your baby can't leave!!! He belongs with you!
****Foster Care Fun Fact**** Almost any country song can be interpreted to fit foster care/adoption and can make me think about my babies and sob like a maniac. Here are some of my favorites:
From this moment, as long as I live,
The Moment is when you realize that this child who was placed in your home "temporarily" with "reunification being the goal" has your entire heart in his tiny little fist and will be ripping it out when he leaves. It's The Moment when you panic because your baby can't leave!!! He belongs with you!
****Foster Care Fun Fact**** Almost any country song can be interpreted to fit foster care/adoption and can make me think about my babies and sob like a maniac. Here are some of my favorites:
From this moment, as long as I live,
I will love you. I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on
I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me, and everywhere I am there you'll be
Aaaand, I'm crying! Before I go grab a tissue, I want to tell you about going to get the genetic marker test.
It was super easy (practically speaking, not emotionally since we are post-Moment and all). I took Baby to the lab with a copy of his birth certificate which I got from the caseworker. The tech triple checked all his information and had me fill out a form with all his info so she could compare her info with what I provided. I had to show identification for myself. She took a picture of baby and did 4 cheek swabs which baby smiled during. We were in and out in 10 minutes.
We'll find out the results and make changes to baby's case accordingly in November.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Unrelated Children
When we first got certified for foster care, we wanted a sibling group. I knew we could parent more than one child, but I was afraid that I wasn't ready to deal with 2 caseworkers, 2 judges, 2 visitation schedules, 2 Biofamilies, etc. I made it clear that while open to multiple children, we only wanted one family/case at a time.
After having 3 cases and many respites, we felt we had enough experience to handle two families at once and we asked for Baby 5. So far being involved in 2 cases has worked out, although having experienced parenting 2 related children then 2 unrelated children, I can tell you unrelated is a lot more work. Balancing each child's separate schedule is tricky because no one involved in one case cares about what's going on in the other case. Example: Baby 4 has a service plan review coming up next month. It falls at the exact time as Baby 5's visit is ending (read: I need to be picking him up). I asked about it being moved and the CW gave me another option which was at the same time as 5's service plan review. If they had been related children, that wouldn't have been an issue. As much as the logistics side of unrelated children is tricky- it can be navigated with a trusty dayplanner and a babysitter on stand by.
The stuff I've really been struggling with since bringing home 5 is the emotional part of it. How to delicately prepare these little souls and their big feelings for the way we live. Both of our boys could go home in November and both of our boys could stay here forever- we just don't know yet. Either way, when we decided to take unrelated children we were really signing each of them up for additional roles in foster care. They will now have to balance attachment and saying Goodbye the way we do. They will now have to be aware of foster care outside their own situation. When they go home, they're not just being ripped away from us, but also the sibling they love.
I'm trying to emotionally secure the children's place in our family. Baby 4 calls 5 "My baby". I tell them I will always love them- no matter what they do or where they are. How do I keep that security if one child goes home? How do I explain one going home and one staying? It's bad enough now that Baby 5 has two visits/week when 4 just has one- what happens when the baby starts weekend overnight visits and the preschooler is still doing his 1hr supervised visit? Will he know he's loved and protected if 5 goes home and we get that call for Baby 6? Keeping open dialogue is going to be very important. There can't just be a day when Baby's not here anymore- going home has to be normalized while staying with us has to be OK as well.
Our preschool version of foster care that we talk about at least weekly, but sometimes several times/day is: Kids need to live in a home that is safe so they don't get really sick or hurt. If a Mommy or Daddy doesn't know how to keep their kids safe, the kids live in another house while their parents learn to take great care of them. Kids can go home when their parents can keep them safe. Baby 4 knows that his family is learning how to keep him safe and that Baby 5's parents are doing the same. He asks why I know how to keep him safe, but other Mommies don't know how. I tell him that not all parents can keep kids safe. It's a very hard job, but they are trying to do better. I hope this idea will help us get through having siblings that may be separated.
What I can't control is how the sibling that moves away will handle the loss. Will the family allow them to talk about their missing brother? Will they show them the sibling pictures from their time with us? What if Baby 4 leaves and 5 stays? Will he think I wanted the baby more than him?
This topic is really too big to tackle in one post, but I'm processing it slowly and surely. I wonder if this is something that other foster parents worry about, or if it is yet another example of me overthinking. Either way, it does complicate the little lives of my children- who already have too many complications. Preparation is the key for making our family's transitions as minimally traumatic as possible. Unfortunately, there is not much time to prepare for anything in foster care.
Ultimately, I have to lean on my world view and beliefs. Our story has been written by a God who has good intentions for us and our children. The children who are placed in our home have been equipped with the personalities and abilities to ride this roller coaster in the same way that Brandon and I have been. The children who become part of our family will be taking part of our calling, and I hope they will see it as their calling as well. Our legacy becomes their legacy, their burdens become ours- we share love, joy, and loss. I have to believe that they are made to keep up with our changing dynamics and that being a foster family will make them strong and sensitive, quick to love and unafraid of change. The kids that we call our own are special and they'll be protected throughout our story.
I've been reading a blog written by the biodaughter of a foster/adoptive family. She shares her experiences as a foster-sibling and how it has changed her perspective and faith. I am so appreciative to her for journalingLearning To Abandon
After having 3 cases and many respites, we felt we had enough experience to handle two families at once and we asked for Baby 5. So far being involved in 2 cases has worked out, although having experienced parenting 2 related children then 2 unrelated children, I can tell you unrelated is a lot more work. Balancing each child's separate schedule is tricky because no one involved in one case cares about what's going on in the other case. Example: Baby 4 has a service plan review coming up next month. It falls at the exact time as Baby 5's visit is ending (read: I need to be picking him up). I asked about it being moved and the CW gave me another option which was at the same time as 5's service plan review. If they had been related children, that wouldn't have been an issue. As much as the logistics side of unrelated children is tricky- it can be navigated with a trusty dayplanner and a babysitter on stand by.
The stuff I've really been struggling with since bringing home 5 is the emotional part of it. How to delicately prepare these little souls and their big feelings for the way we live. Both of our boys could go home in November and both of our boys could stay here forever- we just don't know yet. Either way, when we decided to take unrelated children we were really signing each of them up for additional roles in foster care. They will now have to balance attachment and saying Goodbye the way we do. They will now have to be aware of foster care outside their own situation. When they go home, they're not just being ripped away from us, but also the sibling they love.
I'm trying to emotionally secure the children's place in our family. Baby 4 calls 5 "My baby". I tell them I will always love them- no matter what they do or where they are. How do I keep that security if one child goes home? How do I explain one going home and one staying? It's bad enough now that Baby 5 has two visits/week when 4 just has one- what happens when the baby starts weekend overnight visits and the preschooler is still doing his 1hr supervised visit? Will he know he's loved and protected if 5 goes home and we get that call for Baby 6? Keeping open dialogue is going to be very important. There can't just be a day when Baby's not here anymore- going home has to be normalized while staying with us has to be OK as well.
Our preschool version of foster care that we talk about at least weekly, but sometimes several times/day is: Kids need to live in a home that is safe so they don't get really sick or hurt. If a Mommy or Daddy doesn't know how to keep their kids safe, the kids live in another house while their parents learn to take great care of them. Kids can go home when their parents can keep them safe. Baby 4 knows that his family is learning how to keep him safe and that Baby 5's parents are doing the same. He asks why I know how to keep him safe, but other Mommies don't know how. I tell him that not all parents can keep kids safe. It's a very hard job, but they are trying to do better. I hope this idea will help us get through having siblings that may be separated.
What I can't control is how the sibling that moves away will handle the loss. Will the family allow them to talk about their missing brother? Will they show them the sibling pictures from their time with us? What if Baby 4 leaves and 5 stays? Will he think I wanted the baby more than him?
This topic is really too big to tackle in one post, but I'm processing it slowly and surely. I wonder if this is something that other foster parents worry about, or if it is yet another example of me overthinking. Either way, it does complicate the little lives of my children- who already have too many complications. Preparation is the key for making our family's transitions as minimally traumatic as possible. Unfortunately, there is not much time to prepare for anything in foster care.
Ultimately, I have to lean on my world view and beliefs. Our story has been written by a God who has good intentions for us and our children. The children who are placed in our home have been equipped with the personalities and abilities to ride this roller coaster in the same way that Brandon and I have been. The children who become part of our family will be taking part of our calling, and I hope they will see it as their calling as well. Our legacy becomes their legacy, their burdens become ours- we share love, joy, and loss. I have to believe that they are made to keep up with our changing dynamics and that being a foster family will make them strong and sensitive, quick to love and unafraid of change. The kids that we call our own are special and they'll be protected throughout our story.
I've been reading a blog written by the biodaughter of a foster/adoptive family. She shares her experiences as a foster-sibling and how it has changed her perspective and faith. I am so appreciative to her for journalingLearning To Abandon
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Life Changing Material Is On It's Way!!
Fall is my favorite: pumpkin bread, apple picking, hoodies, hot tea, cinnamon rolls, Halloween costumes, crunchy leaf piles, fuzzy baby rompers, corn mazes- the list could go on and on.
I am thoroughly enjoying this fall with 4 and 5.
This October is the calm before the storm. We have 2 court dates in November that could change my family. Either baby could go home, visits could increase, transitions could start, bio-connections could be broken. I have no idea what will happen, and I have legitimate concerns about any possible outcome. There is so much drama and complexity in both their families. I can't figure any of it out. November is going to be crazy either way, and that's why October has become our oasis.
So that's why things might be quiet on here for now, because I'd rather play "Bugga bugga BOO!" with Baby 5 or make peanut butter play dough with Baby 4 than do anything else in the world. I'm working on some posts one sentence at a time. They're coming together quite nicely- words of foster genius, really. When they finally get done I'm sure you'll laugh, cry, and be better people for having read my blog. Hahaha! ...Or, you'll get a cool tip about keeping your phone number private and untraceable, hear about my 1st time co-leading MAPP, and watch me work out my feelings about foster siblings. Coming soon! I swear!
I am thoroughly enjoying this fall with 4 and 5.
This October is the calm before the storm. We have 2 court dates in November that could change my family. Either baby could go home, visits could increase, transitions could start, bio-connections could be broken. I have no idea what will happen, and I have legitimate concerns about any possible outcome. There is so much drama and complexity in both their families. I can't figure any of it out. November is going to be crazy either way, and that's why October has become our oasis.
So that's why things might be quiet on here for now, because I'd rather play "Bugga bugga BOO!" with Baby 5 or make peanut butter play dough with Baby 4 than do anything else in the world. I'm working on some posts one sentence at a time. They're coming together quite nicely- words of foster genius, really. When they finally get done I'm sure you'll laugh, cry, and be better people for having read my blog. Hahaha! ...Or, you'll get a cool tip about keeping your phone number private and untraceable, hear about my 1st time co-leading MAPP, and watch me work out my feelings about foster siblings. Coming soon! I swear!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Made For This
I have been a Foster Care machine this week! Literally everyday has been filled with Foster related activities. I attended a Monday/Wednesday Shared Parenting training, Brandon and I spoke on a panel for Perspective Foster Parents and their families on Tuesday. Baby 4 had a bio-visit, 3 relative resource calls, a pre-op appt for his upcoming surgery, his physical and Kindergarten shots, an appt with the specialist he sees for his scars, a home nursing recertification, school, and dance. Baby 5 had 2 biovisits, court, and a homevisit with his caseworker. The MAPP class I'm co-leading in October went from having 2 people signed up to having 26 and a waiting list. We added another trainer and had to adjust our meeting plans accordingly. There was mail, note cards, and 3 ring binders galore in my dining room.
In the midst of all that, I also received 6 texts and 1 phone call from Baby 2 &3's Dad!!! He sent me pictures of them and let me know where they are living and how they are doing. I can't even explain what that meant to me. We haven't heard anything from him in over 5 months. I'm extremely grateful for that connection. Baby 2 turned 3 last week and I was able to mail him some presents. It was hard to give Dad space as he started to call and text. I wanted so badly to just ask for a visit with them, but I didn't want to sound pushy or scare him away. Instead I just affirmed everything he told me he was doing with/for the boys and I thanked him for calling me. He said he wants to meet our new children and let all the boys play together, but we didn't set up a time. This is the selfish side of reaching out and respecting the bioparents- initially we do it because it's right for our kids and their family, but it also pays into a bank that gets cashed in when you are on the other side. All those pictures, texts, and updates I sent to Dad while they were with me set the tone for our post-reunification relationship.
Baby 5 court update- he will definitely be with us through November, and probably through December as well. There has been no movement in his situation at all. We were expecting Dad's petition to be addressed and Baby to go home with him this month, but he's not officially "Dad" yet. Apparently that system runs slowly.
Tonight I am going to a foster parent support group for the first time. I got a call about it on
Wednesday and I was iffy about if it would be worth my time until they said "Free childcare" and "We'll be serving dinner". I was not about to say no to either of those things. At the very least it'll give me some blog material.
This week was so jam packed, I entered it assuming I'd be very overwhelmed, but it felt very natural to me. Navigating this world is tricky, but I love it. Being pulled into everyone's drama is draining, but it allows me to forgo having my own drama. Emerging from this week relatively unscathed gives me a clear-er picture of my purpose on this earth. I am made for this.
In the midst of all that, I also received 6 texts and 1 phone call from Baby 2 &3's Dad!!! He sent me pictures of them and let me know where they are living and how they are doing. I can't even explain what that meant to me. We haven't heard anything from him in over 5 months. I'm extremely grateful for that connection. Baby 2 turned 3 last week and I was able to mail him some presents. It was hard to give Dad space as he started to call and text. I wanted so badly to just ask for a visit with them, but I didn't want to sound pushy or scare him away. Instead I just affirmed everything he told me he was doing with/for the boys and I thanked him for calling me. He said he wants to meet our new children and let all the boys play together, but we didn't set up a time. This is the selfish side of reaching out and respecting the bioparents- initially we do it because it's right for our kids and their family, but it also pays into a bank that gets cashed in when you are on the other side. All those pictures, texts, and updates I sent to Dad while they were with me set the tone for our post-reunification relationship.
Baby 5 court update- he will definitely be with us through November, and probably through December as well. There has been no movement in his situation at all. We were expecting Dad's petition to be addressed and Baby to go home with him this month, but he's not officially "Dad" yet. Apparently that system runs slowly.
Tonight I am going to a foster parent support group for the first time. I got a call about it on
Wednesday and I was iffy about if it would be worth my time until they said "Free childcare" and "We'll be serving dinner". I was not about to say no to either of those things. At the very least it'll give me some blog material.
This week was so jam packed, I entered it assuming I'd be very overwhelmed, but it felt very natural to me. Navigating this world is tricky, but I love it. Being pulled into everyone's drama is draining, but it allows me to forgo having my own drama. Emerging from this week relatively unscathed gives me a clear-er picture of my purpose on this earth. I am made for this.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Growing Up, Growing Out
Baby 4 is developing and changing so fast, I can't even keep up! Last week he started Preschool and Dance!
Today I got an email from his caseworker. They had court today and I didn't go because I didn't particularly want to. There have been some annoying details going on with visits and caseworkers and relative resource that have been bothering me. There is this perception of foster parents that all we want in life is to keep people's kids away from them. That couldn't be further from the truth in Baby 4's case. I have tried very hard to get the county to educate 4's family about his needs so he can spend MORE time with them. Of course I would love to keep Baby 4. If he needs forever from me, I will happily give it. I would never sabotage a reunion because I love my boy. I have told many people on many occasions that if relative resource seems like she's going to work out, then the training and transfer should happen sooner rather than later so 4 doesn't get more comfortable with us than necessary- but every time we go to court nothing happens and Baby 4 is left hanging in the wind for another 2-4 weeks.
So the caseworker went to court and shockingly nothing happened. Relative resource asked about her petition for custody that has been ignored since April and the county was instructed to get on it and figure out what they think of her. So they go back November and DHS needs to have proof that they have prepared her to care for him and that she either can or can't. If she can, he could be gone by Christmas.
Baby 4's made so much progress in the past 6 months and I'm so proud of him. I'm proud of all of us, really. I didn't know Brandon and I had what it takes to parent a kid like him. Whether he stays or goes, he's going to be better for the time he was here. That's why we do it all, to improve a child's life- even just a little.
It's unnatural to say goodbye to your child. In foster care we are asked to make strong attachments and yet let go easily. We are asked to plan and consider our kids as if they are permanent, yet realistically they aren't. It puts a little spin on every accomplishment and milestone. We're one step closer to losing our son with every dance class and bus ride. I shouldn't have to feel this way until Highschool graduation, but I may never get to see Kindergarten with 4.
As mopey as that sounds, it makes me appreciate our time together a little more. I want to experience everything I can with him. The concept of being separated makes playing "What's this dinosaur?" suddenly tolerable- maybe even enjoyable.
While 4 may be leaving my home, he has left a permanent mark on my heart. For that I am extremely grateful.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Why I Number My Children
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| Hi Snooki Toes!! |
So it's come to my attention that calling my children by numbers could be perceived as offensive. In all fairness, The numbers thing is only for the blog since all kids in care have the right to confidentiality. It's not like I'm ever saying it out loud to them.
Either way, when I was deciding how I would address the children for the blog, I looked to other foster bloggers for ideas. Most of the blogs I read use cute made up nicknames for each child and a few use names that the foster parents have chosen for the children either just for the blog or to be made official upon adoption. My problem with either of those methods is that (1) it takes a lot of creativity that I just don't have to nickname children and (2) I was afraid that I would slip up and accidentally post the child's real name. Having numbers makes it obvious to me that I've slipped up and typed the child's name so I can replace it with a number before posting. (3)I thought about calling them by their first initial, but that is stepping pretty close to TMI and we have multiple children with the same first initial. (4) Typing "4" is faster than typing "snooki toes" or whatever name I could come up with.
Further, numbering my kids helps a reader who's jumping into the middle of my story to figure out who's who pretty easily. If I have 2 kids living with me right now, my kids are numbered 1-5, and I'm talking about baby 3- he has probably already returned home. As opposed to snooki toes, tootsie roll, glitter angel, paint-y face, and... see? I can't even make up 5 fake made-up names! Anyway, the nicknames give no clues about who is who and when they came or left.
Considering the length of time and amount of children I plan on fostering, numbers made sense. So sorry if it sounds cold. If you can get past my metric system of labeling children and read my content, you'd know that cold is not an accurate word to describe me or how I feel about my children.
Just to clarify- Hats off to the foster bloggers who can pull off the nickname thing with out slipping up or ending up with names like "sausage elbow" like I eventually would. I don't think everyone should go around numbering their kids, but it works for me.
Thank you and goodnight.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Meet The Parents
With every new placement comes the awkward moment where I have to meet our baby's bios. This causes so much anxiety for me- I don't know if that's one of my personal quirks, or if it just comes with the territory. No matter what circumstances surround this child coming into care, their parents are going to be part of my life as long as the child is, so we need to get along. For the most part, I've had a good working relationship with our bioparents. I was still so nervous though when Baby 5's first visit came up with his Mom. It was time to get that initial contact out of the way.
I feel the need to dress up like I'm going to a job interview when I meet biofamily. So I donned my button up black shirt and put on makeup as if my ability to apply mascara will convince a Mom that I'm taking good care of her child. Then I printed out pictures of Baby 5's first week with us. I placed them in a note book with a carefully worded note, "Your son is THE cutest baby I have ever seen! I can't imagine how difficult it is to have to trust me with him, but I promise to treat him like gold until he can come home to you." Then I write in the notebook when the next Dr appt is and write it a second time on a piece of loose paper that the parent can take with them.That notebook went into an expertly packed diaper bag: diapers and wipes to last days, 3 bottles with premeasured powdered formula, 3 of baby's cutest outfits that say something to the effect of "I love Mommy", bibs and burps cloths with the same sentiments, a light blanket, and a heavier blanket, diaper rash cream, Vaseline, and an extra binkie.
I bathe baby 5 right before we leave for the visit, slather him in lotion, and dress him in the cutest outfit I can find. In the car I pow-wow with Baby 4 about saying, "Hi" and that's all to Baby 5's Mom. The last thing I need is for him to call her Baby 5's "other" Mommy or ask her why she couldn't keep baby safe. Conversations that are normal at our house, are shocking to outsiders. For the first time I'm not worried about how a black family will accept a white woman caring for their children. I'm meeting a white family today. Suddenly I worry if they'll accept my son- they should, more than anyone, realize that kids don't come into care because they are bad, but because their home wasn't safe. Maybe I should have left 4 with a sitter. Too late now.
We walk into the visitation center, and the caseworker meets me in the lobby to take 5 to his Mom who's already waiting in the room. She says maybe we shouldn't meet until the formal icebreaker is scheduled. She'll bring 5 out to us in an hour. Did I really just get dressed up for nothing?
Baby 4 and I go get lunch and come back in an hour. The caseworker brings out 5 and we leave. As we make our way to the car I see Mom come out of the building and start talking to the caseworker. I wave at her from across the parking lot. She yells, "I'll see you tomorrow!", like we're girlfriends who need to catch up. I buckle the boys in and walk around to my seat as Mom and Grandpa pull up to me in their car. We talk for a few moments and they are more than pleasant. Mom is my age. She's beautiful, well dressed, and articulate in speech. Her Dad reminds me of my own. She thanks me for the pictures and says she wants to be friends. We exchange phone numbers right then and she calls me on the spot to make sure I gave her a real number. She assures me that the reasons 5 was taken are all lies. I tell her I'm sorry she's going through all this- I am, if not just for her then for Baby 5. I leave feeling pretty positive about the whole experience. I hope she noticed how professional my shoes looked with my shirt.
The next day, I go through the same preparation to bring 5 to his visit. Again, I don't see Mom until she comes to my car after the visit is over. She hugs me no less than 10 times and tells me her life story. I gather from her account that Baby 5 may be a short placement before returning to his Dad. She tells me that if she has other children and they get taken, she wants us to have them. She said it like she was giving us a gift. She asks about my husband and Baby 4 and seems really satisfied with my answers. I think she sees herself in me as much as I see myself in her. She's the first Mom I've ever worked with, and the first parent who is my age. Looking at each other is like looking at the "What could have been" if our choices had been different.
We spend the next couple of days texting. I tell her to check the baby's bag at the visit because we made her a footprint plaque. She says she excited and will call me after she gets it. That's the last communication I've had with her. Then she missed 3 visits and our icebreaker meeting. She never took the pictures or the plaque out of the bag.
I don't know what will happen next. She could show up next week like nothing ever happened and never miss another visit. Maybe we'll never speak again. Such is foster care.
I decided to post this because I think a lot of foster parents are apprehensive about meeting the parents. Bios just want to know you love their kids and that you know they are their kids. You could probably even wear jeans, although I don't recommend it :)
I feel the need to dress up like I'm going to a job interview when I meet biofamily. So I donned my button up black shirt and put on makeup as if my ability to apply mascara will convince a Mom that I'm taking good care of her child. Then I printed out pictures of Baby 5's first week with us. I placed them in a note book with a carefully worded note, "Your son is THE cutest baby I have ever seen! I can't imagine how difficult it is to have to trust me with him, but I promise to treat him like gold until he can come home to you." Then I write in the notebook when the next Dr appt is and write it a second time on a piece of loose paper that the parent can take with them.That notebook went into an expertly packed diaper bag: diapers and wipes to last days, 3 bottles with premeasured powdered formula, 3 of baby's cutest outfits that say something to the effect of "I love Mommy", bibs and burps cloths with the same sentiments, a light blanket, and a heavier blanket, diaper rash cream, Vaseline, and an extra binkie.
I bathe baby 5 right before we leave for the visit, slather him in lotion, and dress him in the cutest outfit I can find. In the car I pow-wow with Baby 4 about saying, "Hi" and that's all to Baby 5's Mom. The last thing I need is for him to call her Baby 5's "other" Mommy or ask her why she couldn't keep baby safe. Conversations that are normal at our house, are shocking to outsiders. For the first time I'm not worried about how a black family will accept a white woman caring for their children. I'm meeting a white family today. Suddenly I worry if they'll accept my son- they should, more than anyone, realize that kids don't come into care because they are bad, but because their home wasn't safe. Maybe I should have left 4 with a sitter. Too late now.
We walk into the visitation center, and the caseworker meets me in the lobby to take 5 to his Mom who's already waiting in the room. She says maybe we shouldn't meet until the formal icebreaker is scheduled. She'll bring 5 out to us in an hour. Did I really just get dressed up for nothing?
Baby 4 and I go get lunch and come back in an hour. The caseworker brings out 5 and we leave. As we make our way to the car I see Mom come out of the building and start talking to the caseworker. I wave at her from across the parking lot. She yells, "I'll see you tomorrow!", like we're girlfriends who need to catch up. I buckle the boys in and walk around to my seat as Mom and Grandpa pull up to me in their car. We talk for a few moments and they are more than pleasant. Mom is my age. She's beautiful, well dressed, and articulate in speech. Her Dad reminds me of my own. She thanks me for the pictures and says she wants to be friends. We exchange phone numbers right then and she calls me on the spot to make sure I gave her a real number. She assures me that the reasons 5 was taken are all lies. I tell her I'm sorry she's going through all this- I am, if not just for her then for Baby 5. I leave feeling pretty positive about the whole experience. I hope she noticed how professional my shoes looked with my shirt.
The next day, I go through the same preparation to bring 5 to his visit. Again, I don't see Mom until she comes to my car after the visit is over. She hugs me no less than 10 times and tells me her life story. I gather from her account that Baby 5 may be a short placement before returning to his Dad. She tells me that if she has other children and they get taken, she wants us to have them. She said it like she was giving us a gift. She asks about my husband and Baby 4 and seems really satisfied with my answers. I think she sees herself in me as much as I see myself in her. She's the first Mom I've ever worked with, and the first parent who is my age. Looking at each other is like looking at the "What could have been" if our choices had been different.
We spend the next couple of days texting. I tell her to check the baby's bag at the visit because we made her a footprint plaque. She says she excited and will call me after she gets it. That's the last communication I've had with her. Then she missed 3 visits and our icebreaker meeting. She never took the pictures or the plaque out of the bag.
I don't know what will happen next. She could show up next week like nothing ever happened and never miss another visit. Maybe we'll never speak again. Such is foster care.
I decided to post this because I think a lot of foster parents are apprehensive about meeting the parents. Bios just want to know you love their kids and that you know they are their kids. You could probably even wear jeans, although I don't recommend it :)
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