Healthy White Newborn

I never pictured my future family having white children. It's just not what my dreams were made of. Even when we were trying to get pregnant, I felt like I would mother black children. Nobody understood me and it is the basis for a lot of joking in my social circle. I think everyone assumed I would marry outside of my own race- but I didn't. Then they thought I would change my expectations for what my family would look like- but I didn't. Transracial parenting is deeply ingrained in me, and I have no explanation for it. Fortunately my husband identified with my concept of family and fully intended to only parent black children as well.
We have had a lot of time to form intentional methods that we use to effectively parent minority children. We have positive language that we make sure to incorporate into our household conversation to recognize and affirm our children's identity and heritage. We have media, toys, and books that show a variety of ethnicities and family structures. We learned how to care for their hair and skin or who to call when we get in over our heads. We moved to an ethnically diverse church after Baby 1 came home.

We also decided that as long as we had a child outside our race in our home, we would not accept a white placement so that the child in our home would never be the only different one. We never wanted to be walking in the store and have our child notice someone assume that the white child was ours and the minority child was not. We never wanted to tempt our family to treat the child that "looks just like you!" differently than the child who does not. Even if nobody treated them differently, we would never want our child to feel that they are somehow out of place in their own family. This was our agreement. An agreement that I fully support.

Then I got the call for Baby 5. I have to defend myself by saying that the matcher told me all about him and his situation before mentioning his sister. It was only after I had committed my heart to him that I realized that his sister is white- pretty much ensuring that he is white. That twinge of guilt sank in. How could I say no to a child just because of race? I really want a baby. What about Baby 4? I really want a baby. A healthy white newborn could find a home quickly, shouldn't we wait for sickly black child that might not get matched? I really want a baby. It's at this moment I wish I could write that I prayed and fasted and sought wise counsel, but I really want a baby. So I said yes with less than a little hesitation.

Healthy white newborns are THE most sought after placements in the foster/ adoption world. People will wait on lists for 10+ years for a child matching Baby 5's description. I don't identify with any of the reasons, but I hear it goes something like: They don't want to be a walking billboard for adoption and have to field staring and questions out in public. Their extended family is varying degrees of prejudice and they don't want to cut ties or expose the child to that. They live in an all white community. They want to hide the child's adoption from the neighbors. I'm not here to judge any of that. I feel like since we are more than capable of taking a child of any race with a broad spectrum of disabilities, we should leave the healthy white newborns to the waiting list of people that would say no any other kind of placement. It kind of falls in line with doing foster care instead of fost/adopt or traditional adoption, because we want the kids that may not have gotten a home, not the ones who have a list of families waiting for the call. This is not a pat on the back for us at all, we are not making a sacrifice, we are pursuing what our hearts desire for our family. The desire that I thank God He planted in my heart as a child.

So how does all that fall in line with us bringing home a HWN just yesterday? I have no clue.

I feel guilty. Baby 4 now has 3 white people in his house and I feel like we should be the ones that are outnumbered. Baby 4 is going to be the minority in the rest of the world, and I've just made him the minority in his own house. He doesn't notice now, but at some point he will. He'll notice that people think I'm babysitting him, but never question where Baby 5 belongs. He'll notice that baby 5 doesn't have to explain us to his friends at school. He'll notice that life is one degree easier for every shade lighter your skin is, and I hate that for him. I hate that my selfishness may have exacerbated a problem that I can never fix for him.

I feel normal. I was out today with baby 5 and no one took a second look at us. I didn't get one approving smile or person looking around to see if my child was really with me or someone else who looked more the part. I got no unsolicited advise about hair. I was just a normal Mom with a normal baby. Completely out of my element.

I feel like a sellout. I still think our all our nothing approach to transracial parenting is appropriate for the racial climate in New York right now. Our kids need a safe home environment because the world is cruel. I'm starting to think that I can provide that even with a white child in our home, and I think that having the white child exposed to transracial parenting techniques will make for a very empathetic and considerate human being. I'm crossing over!!!

I honestly don't know that taking this particular baby as #5 will change the dynamic of our family that much. Really, either of my children could be sent home fairly quickly and then everything changes. I guess I fear being just a white family, which is super strange- I know. I guess for the sake of my ego, I wanted you to know that I was not wading around in the pool of parents waiting for a healthy white newborn, but I'm really glad we got him.

Model Material

About a year ago I got a Facebook friend request from Beckett Franklin Gray. She messaged me asking if she could use my profile picture in her new book about transracial adoption. "Of course!"

Last month, Respite 5's foster parents sent me an Amazon gift card as a "Thank you" for taking him with no notice. I was excited to buy some books, so I searched for "transracial adoption" and found The Hybrid Family by Beckett Franklin Graham. Interesting! I wondered if my picture made it in, and ordered it.

hy·brid [ hbrid ]  

1. plant resulting from crossing: a plant produced from a cross between two plants with different genetic constituents.
2. animal resulting from cross-species mating: an animal that results from the mating of parents from two distinct species or subspecies
3. result of mixing elements: something made up of a mixture of different aspects or components

Synonyms: cross, mix, amalgam, fusion, crossbreed

I love the term hybrid family. A hybrid is not just a messy mix of whatever was lying around, it's an intentional blend of two existing things that's meant to improve their current condition. I feel like that's exactly what and adoptive, transracial family is like.

Hybrids are beautiful and exotic

Who doesn't want a Hybrid?

It came in the mail today, and I was thrilled when I looked inside!

Me and Baby 3- Page 58

Knock, Knock!! The word police are looking for me!

The foster/ adoption world is swarming with what I would like to call "Word Police". I have to admit that I am guilty of nit-picking terminology when I'm in a particularly self-righteous mood. All in all, I feel like it's smart to be knowledgeable about commonly used terms and to take some care as to not isolate or offend entire parts of our community. However, I do not feel like one out-dated word should cause you lose your fost/adopt membership. Walking on egg-shells for the sake of political correct-ness doesn't help children, so I don't do it. Anyone reading who is not familiar with the word-wars of foster-care/adoption- be ready, get educated- or the word police might be coming for you!

The first warrant out for me concerns "bio-parents". I use the term bio-parents because I feel like it addresses the permanent connection between parent and child without the formal feeling of other terms. It's also accurate since the difference between the parents in the triad is the biological connection to the child. The term "birthparents" is generally considered offensive as it diminishes the parents' role to one act. Especially in foster care, where the parent still has rights to the child, and is involved with the child. It's also pretty inaccurate as "birthfamily", "Birthfather", "birthsiblings" do not actually give birth. The most accepted term is "firstparent" which addresses chronological order of the adults in the triad. I just feel like "firstparents" sounds like it's trying too hard. It's formal and requires an explanation when used in front of people who are new to the foster/ adopt scene. "Natural Parent" is also a trendy term that I don't use because it too closely resembles "real parent" and kind of pits the adults in the triad against each other. My relationship with my kids, which is based on trust and love that has grown over time through my consistently meeting their needs is just as "natural" and "real" as the relationship between a mother who has birthed her baby. So I say "bio", and I'm sticking to it.

Warrant #2 from the word police: "Black". I make a point to not specify race when describing a person in real life. When I talk about foster care and my family, though, race comes up quite a bit and I use the "black", "white", "Asian", and "Latino" to differentiate race. I do not say "African American" because I've actually never talked about someone who was from Africa and now is American, therefore, it's not an accurate term. Also, when talking about race, I am usually specifying skin color as opposed to heritage. Charlize Theron is African-American. She is originally from South Africa, but she is white. I am white, my kids are black, and I'm not even a little sorry about that.

My own citizens arrest:
"Foster kids"- labeling children like this is often unintentional, and I've even slipped up before. Kids aren't separated into foster and non-foster. Kids aren't born to be in either of those categories and coming into foster care doesn't change their identities. The term that I use to correct people is "Kids in care". My children are not my "foster children", they are just my children, and I will call the word police if you specify that they came to me through foster care.

"Real Mom"- Ask me about my children's real mom, and I will personally detain you until the word police come with their batons and pepper spray. This is, again, a term that I think people say without even thinking about what it implies. I would just like to say that although I didn't give birth to my children, but I am still very real.

"Are they yours?" : Transracial Triumphs and Trials

I love being a transracial family. I love black people, I can't help it. All of our boys have looked black, although the first was biracial. I have gotten a few rude comments, some uncomfortable stares, and millions "Are they yours?"

People have made comments to me that "race doesn't matter", "we are all the same", "love is blind"- and while I think these ides come from  good heart, they are inherently wrong.

Race does matter. Race is part of your identity. Race, culture, heritage, and history are very closely knit together. We all need to feel validated and valued. If someone completely ignores your race, they can not possibly give you the validation you need. It's a little difficult to understand for white people because we get validated for our race all the time. I can look anywhere and see someone who looks like me who is successful and considered valuable to society. This is not so with other races. It is very difficult to look around for an Asian man in the media who is successful and considered valuable by society. We see black people in the media quite a bit, but if you take a closer look, those people are either very stereotyped as loud, large, or criminal (Randy Jackson, any r&b star/rapper, Queen Latifah) or they have noticeably white features (Halle Berry, Beyonce, Tyra Banks, President Obama). By not acknowledging race, we are telling transracially placed children that there is a part of them that doesn't matter.

We are not all the same. That is AWESOME! We have such a beautiful world because of our different races. Chocolate skin is beautiful, curly hair is gorgeous. that should be celebrated, not lumped in with everyone else.

Love is not blind. Love sees the blackhead I'm bout to pop on my husbands nose and love sees when I've gained 10lbs. Love can see if a child is a different race from their foster family. Even though my kids love me, and they know I love them. They need to hear me say that I can see our differences, and I love our differences. I don't love my kids despite their race, I love who they are, which includes their race.

Some Transracial triumphs we've had include properly caring for their hair and skin, switching churches for a more diverse setting for our kids, finding an excellent hair braider, and becoming comfortable talking about race bias and prejudice enough to educate my children on how we handle these issues.

I made a promise to myself that we would never let a child who was transracially placed with us be outnumbered by people who look like us. If we have a non-white child in our home, I don't feel like it would be fair to take in a white child, making the 1st child the odd man out. We chose to be a transracial family, not the child, so we should be the ones who are different. I consider us a black family with white parents instead of the other way around.

My favorite books about this topic:
Brown Babies, Pink Parents by Amy Ford
 Dim Sum, Bagels, And Grits: A Sourcebook For Multicultural Families by Myra Alperson Farrar