1 Year- 100th Post GIVEAWAY!!!

I started this blog on February 1, 2011. We were preparing ourselves and Babies 2 & 3 to return home in a few weeks. I was feeling very alone and found myself talking about Foster Care a lot- mostly to people who weren't interested. My husband and I started this blog to create a place where we could air our emotions without isolating our social circle. Then I got really into it, and hubby has had nothing to do with the blog since he said, "I think you should make the title blue".

This year has brought SO many changes. I've experienced every emotion possible- joy, devastation, intense love, deep pain, excitement, fear, pride, and everything in between. We said goodbye, and hello, and had some really cute temporary house guests. I've spent more time at the Children's hospital this year than I ever hope to again (except tomorrow when we check in for Baby 4's decannulation).

The blog took some time to catch on, but when it did I found a strong and beautiful little community of foster bloggers who get what it's like to be on this crazy road. I'm so very grateful for everyone who reads this blog and has supported us this year. Your prayers are so valuable and your kind words have brought me through.

To show my appreciation AND to celebrate Foster Care: Our Love Story 's 100th post- I am giving away my favorite children's books about Foster Care:

Maybe Days A Book for Children in Foster Care by: Jennifer Wilgocki and Marcia Kahn Wright is by far my favorite of all these books. It's a little lengthy for little ones, but it accurately describes what job everyone in Foster Care does. The last page is priceless, "A kid's job is always to be a kid."

The Star A story to help young children understand foster care by: Cynthia Miller Lovell is Baby 4's favorite book about Foster Care. He asks for it all the time and loves the page with all the feelings faces. This book follows a little girl from remval through her first homevisit with her caseworker and stresses that Foster Care placement is never the child's fault and they are not alone.

Murphy's Three Homes a story for children in foster care by Jan Levinson Gilman - this book addresses our kids' natural tendency to assume their moves after placement into foster care are their fault. In this book, Murphy learns he's not a "bad luck dog" and he gets a family who treats him well even when he's naughty.

My Foster Family a story for children entering Foster Care by Jennifer Levine - This is a great tool for the 4-8yr old who is new to your house. It's a simple story told from the child's perspective about all the emotions felt when meeting a new foster family and biovisits. It's also a coloring book, which makes going through the story less intimidating for the child since they have something to do while you read.

Families Change A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (Kids Are Important Series) by Julie Nelson While the title says it's for TPR cases, I think this book is stellar for any child who has moved from biofamily into placements. It normalizes change and gives kids permission to accept that change. This is by far the best book of the bunch as far as illustrations. There are so many different ethnicities represented that it would be hard for a child not to find a picture that they can relate to.

Here's how it works:

1) Become a follower of Foster Care: Our Love Story by hitting the button on the left side of our home page

2) Leave a comment on this post

3) Check back in one week - February 8, 2012 for the Announcement of our WINNER

Good Luck!!!

Liebster Blog Award

Liebster is a German word which means "dearest" or "beloved". It is also used to refer to as someone's "favorite" and the idea of the Liebster Blog Award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers that deserve more recognition and encouragement.


I was nominated by Jess over at My Notes On TTC and Life . She is a strong Christian woman who courageously shares her journey through fertility treatments

There are certain rules that come with the Liebster Blog Award
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you've sent the award to forward it on to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

I have so many favorite blogs, but the ones who stand out currently are:

Mama Foster - Mama Foster has been a huge support for me. She goes through some very difficult things with her children and their families, but maintains a Christ-like love that I admire greatly.

Cherub Mamma - Another Christian Foster Mom who has also been blessed through adoption! She has the experience of bringing new children into a family that already has kids. She also has a special needs child who requires a lot of extra advocating and patience. Cherub Mamma holds no punches when describing the difficulties and joys of Foster Care and reading her posts always gives me the extra oomph to hang in there with my own cases.

I Must Be Trippin' - Tammy is a single Foster Mom who has had the sweetest little ones placed with her. She maintains an excellent post-reunification relationship with one of her children, and reading about it inspires me to dig deeper with our bios. She's also hilarious and can joke about the frustrating things in Foster Care.

Read The Books, Make Up the Rest - Daphne and her husband are just beginning their story with their 1st placement of 2 boys! I love peeking into their excitement as they navigate Foster Care as newbies.

Inside the Parent Trap - Mitzy is also a new foster Mom with her fist placement of a baby boy! Mitzy has bio-teens as well, adding a little spin to her foster experience. 

Thank you for the award Jess! and Congratulations to all the other Liebster Blog Award Nominees!!

Time Flies When You Have A Routine!

We are a full week into our hospital stay, and doing pretty well. We are very fortunate to live 10min away from a good children's hospital. They have been very helpful with making our stay as comfortable as possible. I sleep on a pull out couch in 4's room, and am blogging from it right now. The Child Life specialist comes by every day to bring toys, books, and craft supplies. She also set us up with some sweet homeschool supplies, so we have started preschool in the PICU! There is free internet access, and an ice machine...what more could we need?

The cloth doll given to baby 4 by the child life specialist

She helped us give him a trach

Our classroom

College Prep Work

The Ronald McDonald House has been a HUGE help to us. They feed me and Brandon everyday and provide free use of their washer and dryer. The volunteers have been so nice, calling us by name, and answering all of our questions. If you are ever looking for an awesome charity to give to, click here. I can attest to the great work the organization does. Having clean clothes and hummus with pita bread today made the entire world look a little brighter.

One of my fears when I realized we were headed for an extended hospital stay with 4 was that his behavior would regress after he had made so much progress this past month. When we first met, he was completely in charge of his whole day. He was rude to mostly everyone- either in tone when he chose to speak, or when he would make animal noises in response to a request. He was watching hours of TV on end, sometimes repeating the same movie 3 times in a row with no one stopping him. He was barely sleeping, going to bed at midnight and waking at 8am with no nap. I wanted to do everything I could to prevent that slip back into monster-mania.

The first thing I did was make a schedule and hang it up in his room. The nurses here are the same ones who experienced his craziness during his last stay, and I wanted to let them know that his behavior can and will be acceptable. When he waits for me to use the bthroom so he can ask the nurse to turn te TV on, the schedule is there to tell them both that play is the priority for a 4yr old, not movies.

Here's our schedule:

7am- Wake up, dressed, TV time
8am- TV off, breakfast
8:30-10am-Playtime, TV off
10am- Table time- Shapes, Colors, ABC's, Counting
11am-Nap
12:30pm-lunch
12:30-2pm-Movie
2-6pm- Playtime- TV off
5pm- dinner
6pm- Meds, Trach care, PJ's, Stories, Songs
7pm-Lights out

It has worked wonders!! The TV time has served as a valuable currency between me and Baby 4. He earns it by following morning directions and taking a nap and he gives it up by hissing at the nurses or calling the patient care tech, "Nasty". He's also just all around easier to handle when he's well-rested. Having the schedule also helps me break up my day so it doesn't feel so long. I know that when I'm playing "What's this dinosaur?" for the 103rd time in 20min, that in just 75min, nap time is coming!

How do you play "What's this dinosaur?"- Something like this:
Kid (sitting in front of a box of dinosaur toys): What's this dinosaur?
Adult: I don't know
Kid: It's a T-Rex
Adult: Oh, that's right. See? You're so smart, you don't even need me! (thinking:"Maybe I can sneak in a couple minutes of reading my Marie Claire magazine)
Kid(holding up new dino): What's this dinosaur? (thinking: "You can't escape, you will answer me!"
Adult: Umm.. anklosaurus
Kid: You said it was a brontosaurus last time
Adult (thinking:"I made up answers both times"): You know, nap is only 75min away, we should start cleaning up now.

The next step is staying on top of his language and attitude. I instituted a policy that 4 will speak- in English- to any grown up wearing scrubs (or pajamas, if you ask him). He is doing really well, even saying thank you to the maintenance person who empties our trash. When he growls, refuses to answer a question, or is rude, he has to put away everything he's doing and sit by himself until he decides to do the right thing. If the adult leaves before this happens, he has to wait until a new adult comes in so he can speak nicely before the TV goes back on or the toys come out. People in pajamas come through his room a million times per day and I've only had to break out the discipline 3 times. He figured out it's easier to say "I'm good" when the Dr asks than to miss out on your favorite part of Nemo (the shark part).

Lastly, we've been doing a lot of reading. There's a rocking chair in our room, and my favorite part of the day (second only to "What's this dinosaur?") is rocking him in my lap and reading to him.

Our Library

By far, the greatest Amazon find of all times is The Star by Cynthia Miller Lovell. It is a kids book about foster care from the view of a preschooler. It's the perfect bed-time story length and 4 loves it. The only change I would make is that the majority of the people in it are white, which isn't necessary.

The Star follows Kit through being removed from her home, placed in a foster family, and her first visit with her caseworker. She talks to a Star outside her bedroom window who assures her she's a good girl and not alone. Baby 4 identifies with one page in particular:

Baby 4 loves to tell me how he's feeling using this page

We read it almost everyday now, and we both love it.

The plan is to move out of ICU tonight or tomorrow, and we're one step closer to going home! While being here is still tough on both me and Baby 4, our routine is certainly helping move things along!

Model Material

About a year ago I got a Facebook friend request from Beckett Franklin Gray. She messaged me asking if she could use my profile picture in her new book about transracial adoption. "Of course!"

Last month, Respite 5's foster parents sent me an Amazon gift card as a "Thank you" for taking him with no notice. I was excited to buy some books, so I searched for "transracial adoption" and found The Hybrid Family by Beckett Franklin Graham. Interesting! I wondered if my picture made it in, and ordered it.

hy·brid [ hbrid ]  

1. plant resulting from crossing: a plant produced from a cross between two plants with different genetic constituents.
2. animal resulting from cross-species mating: an animal that results from the mating of parents from two distinct species or subspecies
3. result of mixing elements: something made up of a mixture of different aspects or components

Synonyms: cross, mix, amalgam, fusion, crossbreed

I love the term hybrid family. A hybrid is not just a messy mix of whatever was lying around, it's an intentional blend of two existing things that's meant to improve their current condition. I feel like that's exactly what and adoptive, transracial family is like.

Hybrids are beautiful and exotic

Who doesn't want a Hybrid?

It came in the mail today, and I was thrilled when I looked inside!

Me and Baby 3- Page 58

Attention Friends and Family: We've signed you up for heartbreak!!

One of the issues I've been dealing with during this time of transition is trying to care for the emotions of our family members and close friends. I am seeing how our decision to become foster parents is effecting the people who love us. A strong support system is vital to staying healthy as foster parents. Being in that support system comes with it's own joy and grief

I remember when we started to tell our family that we were becoming foster parents. We had already filled out the application and had a date for the first interview in our home with a caseworker. I told my best friend first because I knew she'd give me an honest response without being hurtful. I honestly don't remember what she said, but I remember that she made me feel like I had an ally no matter what path I chose in life. She's been a God-send to me through these past 2yrs as an open ear and the best Auntie.

Grandma and Baby 2 sitting at the same table where I told her about our plans the year before

The next task was my Mom. I took her out to paint pottery and started talking about my new job and our interest in foster care. I told her about the info meeting and said that in less than a year, we planned on becoming certified for foster care. Neither of us really knew what we were going into together. My Mom was talking about how it was so great to help children, and how she supported our decision to volunteer. I did know at that point that foster care was more than a volunteer position serving hot meals in a homeless shelter, bur neither of us knew foster care would change the family forever and become the legacy that I invest my life into. My Mom has been fully invested in every one of our kids- even the respites. They all call her Grandma and she loves them- probably more than she loves me. My Mom insisted on coming with me when Baby 1 went home for good. She held up alright in front of Dad, but she sobbed the whole way home- rambling about the system and some government conspiracies. She's welcomed all 3 of my sons home, and she has grieved all of them leaving. She told my Dad that she didn't know how much more loss I can handle. I can't help but wonder if that's code for how much more loss can she handle? She had no choice to become a foster family, but every time we transition she has to come along.

Brandon's sister and brother in law including Baby 3 in their wedding pictures

Brandon's family has been a bit more hands off than my over-involved parents. They are cordial with our sons, but treat them like cute kids we babysit. I can't blame any of them since we never asked their permission to change the family's dynamics in a non-traditional way. The exceptions to this are his sister and niece. They have opened their hearts and we greatly appreciate that. Brandon's sister even included baby 3 in her wedding photos. Now that he's home, she is left with a reminder of love lost every time she looks at her wedding album.

Baby 2 with Papa opening an early Christmas present because my Dad couldn't wait til the 25th

The process is different for friends and family than it is for foster parents. Foster parents have caseworkers to answer questions and provide support. Foster parents also have access to all the details of the child's case and history. We share what we can with our loved ones, but most info is confidential. So while we have some insight about why a child is staying or leaving, our family doesn't get it. Foster parents also build relationships with biofamilies. We know where our children are going when they leave, and we can build our opinion about the move around what we know of the situation. Our family only has only blind faith that the kids will be OK.

Uncle Bill never had grandchildren, but loves our boys

Even though I carry that guilt about causing our families grief when saying goodbye, I know that they experience the anticipation and excitement when we welcome a new child into our home. They also get credit for our children's security and and happiness as they settle into the family. It is an INCREDIBLE blessing to have your life touched by these kids, and I am proud that I provide that opportunity to the people we love.

I guess if I could do it all over, I would spend some more time talking through the actual process of foster care with our family before we got certified. I would apologize in advanced for bringing them on this rollercoaster experience. Now that the decision has already been made and they have already had loss, I just make sure I acknowledge their feelings and check in with them frequently. I realize I can't expect them to pick me up off the floor every time a child leaves because they have to care for their own hurt, but hurting together after helping a child is still better than hurting alone.

I have gone far and wide looking for resources to educate and support friends and family of foster parents. There are none. The closest helpful book I've found is In On It - by: Elizabeth O'Toole. The subtitle is "What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption".  Highly reccomended.

"Are they yours?" : Transracial Triumphs and Trials

I love being a transracial family. I love black people, I can't help it. All of our boys have looked black, although the first was biracial. I have gotten a few rude comments, some uncomfortable stares, and millions "Are they yours?"

People have made comments to me that "race doesn't matter", "we are all the same", "love is blind"- and while I think these ides come from  good heart, they are inherently wrong.

Race does matter. Race is part of your identity. Race, culture, heritage, and history are very closely knit together. We all need to feel validated and valued. If someone completely ignores your race, they can not possibly give you the validation you need. It's a little difficult to understand for white people because we get validated for our race all the time. I can look anywhere and see someone who looks like me who is successful and considered valuable to society. This is not so with other races. It is very difficult to look around for an Asian man in the media who is successful and considered valuable by society. We see black people in the media quite a bit, but if you take a closer look, those people are either very stereotyped as loud, large, or criminal (Randy Jackson, any r&b star/rapper, Queen Latifah) or they have noticeably white features (Halle Berry, Beyonce, Tyra Banks, President Obama). By not acknowledging race, we are telling transracially placed children that there is a part of them that doesn't matter.

We are not all the same. That is AWESOME! We have such a beautiful world because of our different races. Chocolate skin is beautiful, curly hair is gorgeous. that should be celebrated, not lumped in with everyone else.

Love is not blind. Love sees the blackhead I'm bout to pop on my husbands nose and love sees when I've gained 10lbs. Love can see if a child is a different race from their foster family. Even though my kids love me, and they know I love them. They need to hear me say that I can see our differences, and I love our differences. I don't love my kids despite their race, I love who they are, which includes their race.

Some Transracial triumphs we've had include properly caring for their hair and skin, switching churches for a more diverse setting for our kids, finding an excellent hair braider, and becoming comfortable talking about race bias and prejudice enough to educate my children on how we handle these issues.

I made a promise to myself that we would never let a child who was transracially placed with us be outnumbered by people who look like us. If we have a non-white child in our home, I don't feel like it would be fair to take in a white child, making the 1st child the odd man out. We chose to be a transracial family, not the child, so we should be the ones who are different. I consider us a black family with white parents instead of the other way around.

My favorite books about this topic:
Brown Babies, Pink Parents by Amy Ford
 Dim Sum, Bagels, And Grits: A Sourcebook For Multicultural Families by Myra Alperson Farrar

Prepping Our House For Foster Care

Getting ready for kids is difficult for new foster parents. It's not like biokids where you know the ETA of your bundle for about 9mo, you know how many you're bringing home, and that they'll be newborn, and you might even know the gender of your tiny human. When gathering all the paraphernalia necessary for child rearing, we had no idea how many siblings were coming to us or how old they would be. We only had our certification guidelines to go by. We are certified for up to 4 boys and/or girls birth- 5yrs. When our 1st baby came to us, we had 6hrs before picking him up. With our 2nd, it was 45min. How do you prepare for that?

1. Bedrooms.
We have 2 bedrooms setup for children. This meant giving up Brandon's man-cave and the guest bedroom. We painted one room blue and the other room pink. Although if I had to do it over, I'd do both gender neutral. The blue room is set up in a teddy bear theme, and the pink room in a butterfly theme. We wanted something familiar and comforting for our kids. We own a bassinet, 1 apartment sized crib, 2 full size cribs, 2 toddler beds, and a twin over double bunk bed.  We keep the hard to move items set up and the easier to move beds in the attic. Craigslist is your friend when finding beds fast and cheap.

2. Clothes.
In the very beginning we owned 3 newborn pajamas that were given to us and a couple 2T tshirts and cotton pants I bought at Walmart for $1.00 each on clearance. When my kids leave, I make sure they go home with a full wardrobe for a whole year, but I keep clothes that have sentimental value to me but not the biofamily. So now, after 3 kids, I have a diaper box of clothes for every size NB-2T

3. Toys.
I didn't have to buy a lot of toys for foster care since I ran a daycare in my home previously. Kids that come into my home will want to see barbies, baby dolls, GI Joe's, and superheroes that resemble their own race. Older children that come into care may not know how to play with electronic toys appropriately, so if it's too costly to get broken, it's probably not a good fit for our kids. Imaginative play is very healthy for kids in care. My kitchen set and farm were great choices. I like to keep toys in large wicker baskets or colorful laundry baskets to make cleanup as easy as possible for the child who may have never had to put away toys before. Plenty of soft, comfort toys for children to sleep with are a must. My 2nd son sleeps with so many cloth books, teddy bears, lovey blankets, and plush baby balls I don't know how he even fits in the bed. But they make him feel safe, and that's all that matters.

4.Books.
Just as with the toys, books have to feature pictures of people from all ethnicity's. Tactile books are always a hit- the ones where there are different textures to touch on each page. Great tactile books are:
 Little Feet Love (Tiny Tootsies Touch and Feel Books) by Anthony Nex
Little Hands Love (A Tiny Handsies Touch and Feel Book) by Piggy Toes Press and Photography by Anthony Nex
Little Feet Like... (Giggle and Grow) by Piggy Toes

Some of my favorite books to have for kids in care are:
Billy had to move by:Theresa Ann Fraser
Finding the right Spot: when kids can't live with their parents by Julia Levy
The Star: A story to help young children understand foster care by Cynthia Miller Lovell
Maybe Days: A book for children in foster care by Jennifer Wilgocki

5. Movies
Keeping ethical diversity in mind, of course. The Cinderella movie starring Brandy is a great example of positive diversity in a film. The 1980's TV series Punky Brewster is now out on DVD, and is all about  little girl who is unable to live with her parents. The 1st season directly addresses foster care.

6. Car seats.
3 in 1 convertible car seats are the way to go when preparing for foster care. Walmart sells a Costco brand for under $40. These seats can be rear facing for babies under 1yr, forward facing, and can be used as a booster. Most 3in1's are good for 5- 40lbs. We own 2 convertible 3 in 1's, 2 infant carrier style seats, and 2 boosters.

7. Feeding utensils and food
It's a good idea to have plastic kids dinnerware around. Even older children may not know how treat real plates and silverware. Until I know, I use cute little robot set that I picked up at Target for $1 per piece. As for food, I keep a package of hot dogs and a few boxes of Mac'n'cheese around as well as Cheerios, Oreos, or Goldfish crackers. You want to present the child with some food fairly soon after they come to your home, so having stuff that every kid recognized is a great idea. After that, you can feel the child out for what they like. Because I take babies, I also keep a spare can of Enfamil Premium formula because I know that's the formula the foster care clinic our kids go to prefer. We own around 20 bottles in 3 different brands, just in case baby has a preference. My favorite are the Soothie brand bottles. They're easy to clean and the formula powder doesn't get all over like  the bottles with smaller mouths. Our 1st baby wouldn't take them, our 3rd only took them... Bottle brands are a crap shoot. Same goes for sippy cups, we have 1,000 different kids of those as well.

Those are the basics that we got when preparing for kids. Getting the house ready was so much fun. We still have to do a Target run everytime we take a new placement, but everything bought for the child after they are already with us is theirs and will go with them when they leave.

Right now we are going through the house to see what can be tossed or needs replacing. We are getting ready to take a new placement when babies 2&3 go home. 2yrs and 3 bbies later, I still got excited when I went to walmart to restock our binkies and baby dolls!