It Happened On a Friday

There are a lot of things I'll say about Foster Care, but one thing I'll never say is that it's boring. Foster Parents have no need to go bungee jumping, sky diving, or spelunking because we get all the adrenaline we need just sitting around on a Friday.

Let's start on Thursday to set the scene: Baby 4 and I were in the hospital after his last surgery (YAY!!) to take his trach out. The procedure went splendidly and he is feeling fantastic, but they had him spend the night for observation. Baby 4 went to sleep at 7:30 and I started loading Turbo Tax onto my laptop because we need to get our taxes done ASAP (There is so much to our tax story that it will be it's own post this week- keep an eye out for it). Long Story short, my computer is super slow and I fell asleep at 10:30 still waiting for it to load.

Look MA! No Trach!!

My Friday started at 1:00am. We get a room mate who is apparently very unhappy with her admission into the hospital. She cries all night and screams when anyone in scrubs walks into the room- even if they are there for Baby 4. I am so thankful that 4 slept through the whole thing. I was less fortunate, and was wide awake until 3:30. I did get our taxes done, though.

When I fell asleep at 3:30, it was a very short 3 hours until Baby 4 said, "Can I watch a movie?" at 6:30m.

We got dressed, ate breakfast, and watched How To Train Your Dragon. At 8:30, the Dr. came in and said He was going to write up our discharge papers and we should be home by 9am.

At 10:06 am we still hadn't seen those discharge papers, and were watching Elmo in Grouchland when I got my Hallelujah!! I answered the Matchers call and she first asked about 4. When I told her that we were still in the hospital, she hesitated bout the placement of Baby 6. I avoided the reflex to beg by calmly assuring her that we would be home soon, and that Baby 4 is feeling fine. She told me Baby 6 was taken into care yesterday and placed with a newly certified foster home. After a very rough and sleepless night, the family asked for him to be removed immediately. He's 22 months old and we know very little about him.

The matcher knows I have a judgemental streak, and she defended the first foster family as much possible saying that the foster parents work and have to be up in the morning, etc, etc. Here's my opinion, not that it counts for anything- Don't take a child into your home if you're not willing to stick by him as he transitions. We're talking about a 1yr old who climbs out of the crib at night an bangs his head on the ground when you tell him "No", not a kid who killed your cat or ran away. How do you say no to a baby that's already in your house?! I'm mad because this has happened to 2 of my babies- Baby 1 and Baby 6 had their first placement disrupted before coming to us and it makes me furious. Do you not know what you're signing up for? It's a kid- who was taken from their Mother and put in your house. They are not going to walk in, kiss you, and call you Mommy- but that's not a good reason to keep your receipt and return them within 30 days. Back to my day...

So I said yes to Baby 6 at 10:10am. We were released from the hospital at 10:45. Baby 6's caseworker brought him to our house at 12 noon. He is definitely a handful. He's as active as any 1yr old boy I've seen. He has a serious case of cuteness.  He loves Baby 4 and the dogs. Harley- our bigger dog- licked 6's face and 6 licked him right back.

At 1:00 we went to Walmart for our new kid shopping spree. Baby 6 came with 3 diapers, a snow suit that he will not be wearing here due to my pride, 3 pairs of pants, 2 shirts, and a footed sleeper.

By 3:00pm, we had accumulated a bunch of Gerber finger foods, 3 sippy cups, boots, sneakers, 5 pairs of pants, 4 shirts, a 10 pack of socks, 2 sets of PJ's, a winter coat, 2 pacifiers (my guess at why he didn't sleep for the other foster family), lotion and bath wash, a diaper bag for his visits, a case of diapers, travel size GermX for his visit bag, and 2 heart picture frames for his parents. $162.72 at Walmart on a Friday. You know those credit card ads? The face on the cashier when baby 4 told her we were buying clothes for his new brother because we take kids who have no house- priceless.

7:30pm Baby 6 went to sleep in a crib with zero tantruming. He slept straight through to 7 this morning- thank you binkie!!

After getting 4 & 6 to bed, I checked my email. I got a response from the adoption agency we've been working with since last Friday on the adoption of a newborn girl in California. This has been a crazy set of circumstances, but basically we are teleconferencing with BioMom's lawyer and Baby's Drs on Tuesday. If this adoption goes through, it would happen very quickly and it would have God's signature all over it. How many people have a baby emailed to them on a Friday?

Here are some details about the private adoption: Our friends from church adopted through this agency and recieved an email last week asking if they knew of any families who were interested in adopting a special needs newborn immediately. On Monday I spoke to the agency and found out we may not be eligible for her because sometimes Foster agencies and adoption agencies don't play nicely with each other and won't share homestudies or allow foster parents to keep their kids while they pursue private adoption. Monday Morning we spoke to our foster care homefinder who was very supportive and sent over all our info and homestudy to them. Then Wednesday we got news that the Baby might be placed in Foster care in her own county instead of being adopted. Then yesterday we found out she will be placed for adoption and we are being considered for her. We will speak to our agency on Monday and Baby's medical team on Tuesday. We'll know then how this proceeds. She was born prematurely in January and still has not reached her due date. She's already had one heart surgery and will need 2 more after we bring her home. We were in no way pursuing private adoption, but we are so glad it dropped in our laps. This adoption could still fail, although things look really good for us right now.

9:00pm- Brandon got home from work, peeked in on our new son, and we toasted to our very exciting future. You know, just another day...

Officially 5

We brought home Baby 5 yesterday at 3pm. He is one month old today. He was full term- 7lbs 12 oz. He's simply perfect. The nurse in the NICU told me to expect a very fussy baby for the next 3 weeks, and she said he will probably spend a lot of time in the swing because he has to be moving all the time. I don't mind one bit. We have a swing in the living room and one in our room so we're set.

There is no way I was about to just bring home a beautiful baby boy without some roadblocks. Here's how it went:

August 18, 2011:

5:10pm- Hallelujah Call! We have a baby! Wait, no, we have to offer him to another family first.

5:20pm- 2nd call from the matcher. Ok, for real, we have a baby 5.

August 19, 2011:

11:40am- Call from foster care intake worker. Baby 5 is being released from the hospital TODAY! How fast can you get there?

12:00pm- Grandma takes Baby 4 so we can get Baby 5

12:10pm- Drop Brandon off at work because he got called in early- Bummer...

12:30pm- Walk into hospital and immediately get ushered out by a frantic nurse who is "whispering" that Mom is in with Baby 5 and doesn't know I'm coming. Mom can see me and hear nurse loudmouth, but I'm not allowed to talk to her. NL tells me to come back in an hour.

12:31pm- Caseworker won't answer her phone

12:32pm- I get an egg salad sandwich at the hospital cafeteria. It was gross :(

12:40pm- Caseworker answers phone. She tells me I can talk to Mom if I'm comfortable and tells me to get the hospital's social worker and have her get things straightened out.

12:45pm- Hospital social worker says she needs to talk to Mom and make sure she's OK with everything. I visit the gift shop and buy Mom a bracelet that says Baby's name then wait in the lobby with a soda and my diaper bag.

Big Gulp, huh? Alright, See ya later!

2:00pm- The social worker calls me to let me know Mom has said goodbye and is packing up now. I can see Baby 5 in 10min.

2:10pm- As I walk down the hall toward the nursery, I see Mom leaving. I inhale to start talking to her and she walks away. I feel like an idiot.

2:11pm- I see a sleeping Baby 5. I'm in love. Nurse Loudmouth says, "Don't touch him! Trust me, don't touch him." I find out he's very irritable in general and has been even more so since his circumcision yesterday. We let him sleep and do the discharge stuff.

2:30pm- Strap Baby 5 into the car seat and leave the hospital

3:00pm- We're home!!! Baby 5 and I get some alone time to snuggle and chat.

4:20pm- First homevisit with Baby 5's caseworker. She drops off his medicaid card and a letter confirming his placement with us. I have high hopes for her- she thought to do the visit today so I wouldn't have to wait all weekend for the paperwork

4:30pm- Grandma and Baby 4 come home to meet 5

Baby 4 is a little disappointed with his baby. He kept wanting to share his toys and food with 5 and wanted to play with him on the floor. He likes being the big brother, but I think he expected his little brother would be more interesting. Good thing the Baby brought home a present for his Big Brother! At our usual new placement Walmart run for formula and diapers, Brandon picked up a couple of craft kits, an Etch-a-Sketch, and a Cars 2 toy. Even though our new baby is kind of a dud, Baby 4 got to explore his new stuff while everyone ooh-ed and ah-ed over 5. It made for one happy Big Brother!

Baby 5 is pretty fussy when he's awake, but he eats well and slept last night from midnight to 7am in the bassinet!! Our family feels balanced right now with both our boys. I'm feeling very thankful.

Oh Baby!

We got our Hallelujah! The matcher called me today and 1st thing she said was, "I got a newborn"!

He's still in the hospital and he has the test results and side effects that most newborns in care have, but is otherwise healthy.


Baby is brother to our Respite 4. She is 4yrs old now and has been returned to Dad. When she went home (pretty recently) the family that had her put their home on "self hold"- meaning they were taking a break from fostering. That's why they initially didn't come up in the search for a family for this little guy. As the matcher and I were talking and she mentioned Respite 4, I asked about the family because I have a big flippin' mouth and the matcher thought it would only be fair to offer them the placement first. So apparently I missed my calling as a matcher. She told me she would put us down as back up to them and would call me tomorrow to let me know.

I was really glad that she called me back 10 minutes later to say that the other family was not able to take baby and supported us taking his placement. Whoop! Whoop!

So he is in the NICU where Baby 3 was, and I hopefully get to see him soon. The matcher left a message for the caseworker to call us tomorrow, and she'll be the one to give us the go-ahead to visit at the hospital. He should be about ready to go home- he's 3 weeks old, so I guess technically he's not a newborn.

I asked about everything- birth weight, family history, what happens if Respite 4 comes back into care, if the caseworker from Respite 4's case is taking his case as well, what judge they saw for the removal hearing. The matcher filled in every other detail- race, parents history, her opinion on the length and risk of the placement. However, neither of us mentioned HIS NAME! I don't know his name, and since she called me at the end of the business day, she was gone before I called back to ask.

I'm not quite ready to call him 5, but it seems really likely. In foster care anything can happen though, so I'm monitoring my emotions just in case. I will keep updating as I know more!

Heartache In Our House

Yesterday was rough for me. I had a really good day with baby 4- Physical therapy, homevisit with his caseworker, grocery shopping, painting pottery and dinner out with my Dad. Baby 4 was really well behaved for all of it, and we had a lot of fun. With all the appointments, professionals, and playing with baby 4- I've been super-tired and emotional. I started feeling really sad and missing Baby 2 when I had another, "I know I'm not your Mom, but can I please help you put your pajamas on?" talks with baby 4, and it sent me over the edge. After 4 was in bed, I looked through baby 2's pictures and sobbed. I love baby 4, and I'm so happy that I get to give him a home when he needs one, but I miss being a Mom. I miss Baby 2's "Ma! Ma! MMMAAAA!!!" calls. I felt literally broken, but at the same time fulfilled. How could I be pulled in two directions like that? Fully committed to baby 4, yet fully desperate to reconnect to my past. When Brandon got home from work, he tried to comfort me. Even though he did everything right, I cried myself to sleep. I had to get through that on my own, and I did. Today was much easier for me.

It was baby 4 who had a difficult time managing his loss today. It was the first day we didn't have to go anywhere, but Physical therapy, play therapy, and the medical supply vendor all made stops at our house. Everytime Baby 4 was asked to sit still or answer a question, he made a snippy comment or cried. Before dinner, he called his Grandma and had a very appropriate conversation with her that was positive and upbeat. At the end of that call he started asking to talk to his Dad, who was unavailable at that moment. When he realized that he would have to say goodbye to Grandma and just be left with me, meltdown ensued. He sobbed with the same intensity as I had sobbed the night before. He begged me to get his Dad on the phone. He told me that he wanted to live with his Dad, he wanted to go to his Daddy's house right now, he doesn't want to sleep here! I held him, knowing that even if I knew exactly what to do or say, he was going to have to get through this on his own. I just kept reassuring him that I love him, he's safe here, and yes, it is very sad when he can't see Daddy.

Baby 2 is deeply ingrained in my heart. With time I may not feel as intensely sad about being away from him, but I will always feel the deep love I have for him. It doesn't matter how many kids I love in the future, he's still my son. Same for Baby 4- his Dad is ingrained in his heart (and genes) forever. Even if he starts to love us as his family, that won't take away the sting of losing his first home. While we work on bonding to each other, Baby 4's and my heart ache for our family that we can't live with.

Going through my own loss has helped me gain some perspective on my kids' losses. I really get the advice "not to take their rejection personally". Baby 4 wanting to live with his Dad and reminding me daily that I'm not his Mom has nothing to do with his feelings about me as a caregiver. It has everything to do with his love for his first family. I also understand that he has to grieve, and be mad, and sad- all on his own. It is very difficult to see him cry, scream, and kick knowing there is nothing I can do that will make him feel better. Again though, none of his experience is about me. If being sad while letting him feel his loss is all I can do, I'll do it- because I love him. I also know that just because he would rather live with his Dad, does not mean we can't have a good relationship. If I am fully capable of loving babies 1-4 all at the same time, Baby 4 can tolerate 2 sets of caregivers.

The amount of heartache in our house right now is great, but that means the potential for healing in our house is great as well. We are preparing to heal together as a new family, even though we still love the old.

You're not my Mommy!

My life is all about new territory these days. Blazing through the Foster Care frontier! My most recent adventure has been trying to explain foster care to a child who is verbal and has an opinion about where he'd like to live.

Babies 1-3 were so different. They have no idea what foster care is. They couldn't correlate their abuse/neglect with moving in with me. I never had to tell them that they were going to stay with us or that they were going to have 2 families and houses now. Baby 4 is a whole new ballgame. He was completely aware that something was fishy about his new friend Teresa who visited all the time and talked about her house a lot. She's not like the other people who work at the hospital. He knows that not everybody goes "home" with a new family after they leave the hospital.

While he's old enough to know something's a wry, he's also too little to sit him down and say, "You are going to stay with me until a judge says you can go home, but you can still visit your Dad. This way you'll be safe.". He also won't be saying to me anytime soon, "I appreciate the offer to live here, but I'm really invested in my current family.". Instead we've had several brief discussions about the changes in his life.

The first happened at the hospital. I had been spending all of Baby 4's waking hours with him, about 9am- 8pm, but we hadn't mentioned him living with us or anything relating to foster care. I was trying to get 4 into his room to eat dinner, but he wanted to stay in the hallway playing. When I insisted he take a break to eat, he said, "I'm mad!". I asked what he was mad about, and he answered, "I'm mad that you're not my Mom!". I said, "I'm mad about that too. I'm sorry." That was satisfactory for him, and we went into his room and ate dinner.

Baby 4 calls me and Brandon by our first names because that's all we've called ourselves to him. Since we have no idea how long Baby 4's stay will be, we thought introducing "Mommy Teresa" was an unnecessary complication for a little guy who has more important things to worry about. Unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't get that we don't need labels to be a family. So when we went to get Easter pictures taken at Target, the photographer said, "Baby 4! Get closer to Mommy and Daddy!". Baby 4 said, "She's NOT my Mommy!" and stopped posing with us. 4 also informed my Dad that, "She's not a Mama.", when he slipped and called me that to baby 4.

When I reminded baby 4 that if he teases the dog with a toy, the dog will try to eat it- baby 4 yelled, "I don't love it here!". He has also asked to "Go bye-bye" and "Go home". After he talks to his Dad or Grandma on the phone, he cries and says, "I don't stay here!".

My responses are always very short: "I'm sorry you miss your Daddy.", "I know I'm not your Mom.", "I'm sorry you're mad.", "She must have thought I was your Mom because I love you so much.", "Tell me about your home.", "Where do you want to stay?", "Your house sounds really nice".

These short snippets of explanations are building up Baby 4's understanding of foster care and his new life with 2 families. I'm learning to be sensitive to his triggers and give honest, age-appropriate responses to his outbursts.

No Paparazzi Please!

We have been loving Baby 4 this week! Since we don't do anything the easy way, our first week with him has been full of ups and downs. We are exhausted, but it's 9:00 and as soon as I post this, I can go to bed!

I went back and forth about posting this picture since you can't see him,
 but I swear there is a really cute child in that bed

First, the "ups". Baby 4 is ADORABLE!! He has the biggest smile and cutest tiny voice. He's also very funny and he really understands humor, so he's fun to joke with. He's also doing much better medically than we (or anyone) expected. His doctors tell me that 3 weeks ago he was sedated, on large amounts of morphine, swollen from head to toe, intubated, and being fed through a tube. There was speculation of brain damage, permanent physical impairment, a future filled with many surgeries, and a lifetime of intensive medical care. When I met him on Tuesday he was awake, disconnected from every machine, eating regular food, talking, walking, playing with toys, and helping the techs check his vitals. Right now he is being weaned off his pain meds and being decannulated from his tracheostomy. This all means he'll be coming home with no medical care needed except some wound bandaging and physical therapy!! We consulted with a plastic surgeon who said he thinks reconstructive surgery will be unnecessary in the future and that he will have flat scars that will allow him to grow and move normally. He is a miracle, and I know it is because we have been surrounded by praying people who rallied for him weeks ago when he needed healing. Another great thing is that we have met Dad, and he is very pleasant. Phew! It just makes everything easier when parents are nice. Today at the hospital, I must have looked bothered (but really I was just tired) and Dad pulled me aside to make sure that I was OK and that he hadn't done anything to offend me. Baby 4 has also been assigned a caseworker who seems very on top of things- always a plus. So to sum it up, Baby 4 is doing great, and the case seems like it will be a smooth as a foster care case can be.
What goes up must come down though, eh? The first "down" is that Baby 4 is still in the hospital even though his medical team said he was well enough to go home on Wednesday. The problem with discharge was that I hadn't been in the hospital with him long enough to be fully trained in his care. Had I been allowed to start visiting him when I wanted to (immediately), he could have been home by now. There has also been a problem with finding a local agency who can provide nursing for him at home since there is a shortage of home nurses. If he had to go home with a trach, he wouldn't be discharged from the hospital until there was at least a night nurse lined up for him. This led to the talks of taking out the trach, so I guess it wasn't all bad. While we are adding to our family with Baby 4, we are also saying goodbye to a dear man who my kids call Uncle Bill. He passed away Thursday after a 3mo fight with lung disease. Bill and Brandon had a father/son relationship for the past 20yrs and we are very sad to say goodbye. Brandon has been given bereavement time from work so he can make final arrangements. While I am still spending everyday with Baby 4, the emotional and time toll on Brandon is effecting how much bonding he can do with 4.


Uncle Bill 12/23/1933 - 3/24/2011

The other down is that Baby 4 has been in the hospital for 7weeks with no consistent caregiver, routine, structure, or expectations. That has led to some behavior issues and bad habits (like a midnight bedtime and 5+ hrs of daily TV). I have had a difficult time coming in and getting him into a 4yr old's schedule when he's used to being the boss. He also has a lot of anger stemming from the incident that caused his condition, so teaching him to manage such strong (but not unreasonable) emotions is proving to be a challenge. Today, only 4 days in, he was in PJ's at 7:00 and it only took 20min to get him to say "sorry" to Brandon for hitting him.
This case is very different for us in many ways. Baby 4 is our oldest child. He's our first "medically frail" child (said in quotes because he's really not frail anymore), and our first behavior case. I think the biggest difference is that this case has gained some very unexpected media attention. Like I mentioned before, Baby 4 has been in the hospital for 7 weeks, so no one thought this "old news" would make the nightly news. Turns out we were wrong. Brandon and I were sitting in Baby 4's hospital room on Wednesday when the hospital's social worker came in and whispered to me that Baby 4's story had been on every news station at noon. His Mom's name and picture had been shown as well as pictures and names of their apartment complex and the hospital. She said they were going to place security guards at the entrance to the pediatric unit to make sure no unwanted guests got close to Baby 4. She also said not to turn on live TV in the room because there have been frequent updates about Baby 4 on the local stations. I immediately got on the internet and saw what she was talking about. There were details about the incident and baby 4's condition as well the state of the investigation. All the articles I read and the reports I saw at 11:00 that night said that Baby 4 was surrounded by family to take care of him.

The general rule in foster care is that you never identify yourself as the foster parent in front of the child because it breaches confidentiality and shares too much of the child's information unnecessarily. The exception to the rule is in the hospital where no one will tell you anything about the child unless you have a reason to know- like being his primary caregiver. I've had to identify myself to every hospital staff person we've seen  before they'll talk in front of me. So when a man came to Baby 4's room on Thursday evening wearing a hospital ID and claiming to be clergy looking for the guardian of Baby 4, I told him I was the foster parent. He said his church had seen the news and contacted the family who asked for help from the church. He has connections to a prominent children's hospital out of state who agreed to airlift Baby 4 that night and pay for his medical care. He asked how Baby 4 was doing, and seemed annoyed that I would only give him the standard "He's in stable condition" response. He called Baby 4 by his first name which was red flag because no one uses his first name, he goes by a nickname. If this man really had spoken to the family, he would have known that. The next sign something was wrong was when he asked to take a picture of Baby 4. I told him I could not allow that and asked that he direct all questions to the caseworker. I asked him for his name, his churches name, phone number, etc and told him I would have Dad call him. As soon as he left, I told the hospital social worker what happened . She assured me that she would find out what was going on and it would not happen again. They flagged baby 4 as a "no information patient" which means if someone calls the hospital or comes in and asks about Baby 4 the hospital can't give out any information including room #, condition, or even if he is still in the hospital. They also started stopping everyone who came into the unit and made them be cleared to visit by me or Dad before they were let in the room. Unfortunately some damage had already been done. By 10:00, this man was on the local stations promoting his church and the out of state hospital and talking about all the medical expenses he is paying for ($0 since kids in care are fully covered by Medicaid). He tells the reporters that he is close to the family and has seen Baby 4 who is getting stronger everyday and will soon be taken out of state. He also uses Baby 4's name when talking about it.

I had wondered coming into this case if I could love an older child as fast and deep as with my babies. When I saw that "Reverend" using my son's trauma to get 15min of fame, I could have ripped his heart out with my bare hands. I felt like the vampires in the Twilight movies when they crouch down and show their teeth while protecting the vulnerable human they love. Good to know there's no problem bonding to a 4yr old as opposed to a baby.

When Baby 4's uncle came to visit him at the hospital today, he told me the news stations have been calling him to give a statement about his condition. The TV is on while I type this and I see a woman being interviewed who hasn't been to the hospital to visit Baby 4 at least since I've been involved, but says she's his cousin who is very close to him. She's detailing who he lived with and when since he was born and giving her opinion about what happened to him.

The public is intrigued by what will happen in his story, and I don't know how that will effect the case. Hopefully the media will get bored and move on. The news coverage doesn't effect how I will parent, but I'm nervous it will effect how he is seen in the community. There were so many details shared about him in the media, anybody who sees his scars will know he's the kid on the news. I also wonder how he'll feel about the sensationalism in the reports that are coming out now as he gets older. Some articles say that he is "disfigured", which is grossly untrue, and his Mom is called a lot of terrible things. Will he want to see these? Should I save them, or is it better to hide the media aspect of his case so he's not hurt or confused by the untrue assumptions or negative language used when talking about his family? I've decided to save the articles I have, but keep them somewhere where he won't accidentally find them.

Tomorrow I'm doing a 24hr visit at the hospital where I'll care for all Baby 4's needs while being observed by the nurses. I've been doing most of his care anyway since I've been with him 9am-8pm since Tuesday. I do think it'll be good for us to be together for a full 24hrs before coming home though. If the nurses sign off that I am capable and confident, We'll be bringing him home!! I better get some sleep tonight, because soon I'll be back in full Mommy mode!

BABY 4

Everyday since the boys went home I've gotten up at 7 and put on picture-worthy clothes thinking, "Today I'll be meeting baby 4 and I need to look cute for the welcome home pictures". I keep my cell phone charged and right next to me waiting for the "Hallelujah!" ringtone. I wipe down the kitchen and organize the bottles and sippycups with the expectation that I'll be picking up my child today.

This morning was no different. I got up and got dressed, straightened my hair, and put on concealer. I picked up some clutter in the living room and watched Law & Order with Brandon while I kept an ear out for the phone to ring. I had given up that today was the day by 3pm. I starting browning some ground beef on the stove and let the dogs out in the backyard. When I sat down to check my facebook, I saw my phone: "1 Missed Call" WHAT?!?!?!? I hadn't left my phone in an entire week, but I make one batch of Sloppy Joes and I miss a call from the matchers? I called her right back and she told me she had a child for us.

This is the payment for foster care. The moment when your life changes and you fall for a child you've never met. The second you realize that a baby has a need and you are the solution. I'm made for this, it's addicting.

Baby 4 is unlike any child we've had before. He is our oldest child so far at 4yrs old and he is our first medically frail child. He is currently in the hospital, which gives us time to visit him and get trained in his care. When he comes home in about 2 weeks, he'll have a nurse 16hrs/day.

When I heard his story, I got very emotional. I needed to help him, I needed to give everything I have to him. I cried when I called Brandon to ask what he thought. I knew we hoped for a baby, and that this case would require more than we had ever given before, but I knew Brandon could do it if he wanted to. Brandon told me to call the matcher back and tell her we would take him. I was so happy to do just that.

With Babies 1&2, the call was followed by a flurry of buying clothes, supplies, and picking them up. Babies 3 & 4 were in the hospital, so there's no rush. I can't even see Baby 4 yet until I get clearance from his caseworker and medical team. I don't know what size clothes he's in, and there's no diapers or formula to buy. Even though our wait is over, I found myself waiting. I got out of my cute picture clothes and into pajama pants. I prayed for Baby 4 and I prayed for his Mom. I also called everyone to get them prepared for the changes our family will be going through.

Hopefully we get to meet baby 4 tomorrow, and we'll get a clearer picture of what needs to be done in our house in the next 2 weeks.

Attention Friends and Family: We've signed you up for heartbreak!!

One of the issues I've been dealing with during this time of transition is trying to care for the emotions of our family members and close friends. I am seeing how our decision to become foster parents is effecting the people who love us. A strong support system is vital to staying healthy as foster parents. Being in that support system comes with it's own joy and grief

I remember when we started to tell our family that we were becoming foster parents. We had already filled out the application and had a date for the first interview in our home with a caseworker. I told my best friend first because I knew she'd give me an honest response without being hurtful. I honestly don't remember what she said, but I remember that she made me feel like I had an ally no matter what path I chose in life. She's been a God-send to me through these past 2yrs as an open ear and the best Auntie.

Grandma and Baby 2 sitting at the same table where I told her about our plans the year before

The next task was my Mom. I took her out to paint pottery and started talking about my new job and our interest in foster care. I told her about the info meeting and said that in less than a year, we planned on becoming certified for foster care. Neither of us really knew what we were going into together. My Mom was talking about how it was so great to help children, and how she supported our decision to volunteer. I did know at that point that foster care was more than a volunteer position serving hot meals in a homeless shelter, bur neither of us knew foster care would change the family forever and become the legacy that I invest my life into. My Mom has been fully invested in every one of our kids- even the respites. They all call her Grandma and she loves them- probably more than she loves me. My Mom insisted on coming with me when Baby 1 went home for good. She held up alright in front of Dad, but she sobbed the whole way home- rambling about the system and some government conspiracies. She's welcomed all 3 of my sons home, and she has grieved all of them leaving. She told my Dad that she didn't know how much more loss I can handle. I can't help but wonder if that's code for how much more loss can she handle? She had no choice to become a foster family, but every time we transition she has to come along.

Brandon's sister and brother in law including Baby 3 in their wedding pictures

Brandon's family has been a bit more hands off than my over-involved parents. They are cordial with our sons, but treat them like cute kids we babysit. I can't blame any of them since we never asked their permission to change the family's dynamics in a non-traditional way. The exceptions to this are his sister and niece. They have opened their hearts and we greatly appreciate that. Brandon's sister even included baby 3 in her wedding photos. Now that he's home, she is left with a reminder of love lost every time she looks at her wedding album.

Baby 2 with Papa opening an early Christmas present because my Dad couldn't wait til the 25th

The process is different for friends and family than it is for foster parents. Foster parents have caseworkers to answer questions and provide support. Foster parents also have access to all the details of the child's case and history. We share what we can with our loved ones, but most info is confidential. So while we have some insight about why a child is staying or leaving, our family doesn't get it. Foster parents also build relationships with biofamilies. We know where our children are going when they leave, and we can build our opinion about the move around what we know of the situation. Our family only has only blind faith that the kids will be OK.

Uncle Bill never had grandchildren, but loves our boys

Even though I carry that guilt about causing our families grief when saying goodbye, I know that they experience the anticipation and excitement when we welcome a new child into our home. They also get credit for our children's security and and happiness as they settle into the family. It is an INCREDIBLE blessing to have your life touched by these kids, and I am proud that I provide that opportunity to the people we love.

I guess if I could do it all over, I would spend some more time talking through the actual process of foster care with our family before we got certified. I would apologize in advanced for bringing them on this rollercoaster experience. Now that the decision has already been made and they have already had loss, I just make sure I acknowledge their feelings and check in with them frequently. I realize I can't expect them to pick me up off the floor every time a child leaves because they have to care for their own hurt, but hurting together after helping a child is still better than hurting alone.

I have gone far and wide looking for resources to educate and support friends and family of foster parents. There are none. The closest helpful book I've found is In On It - by: Elizabeth O'Toole. The subtitle is "What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption".  Highly reccomended.

Sorry! You're too tall for us to help you... Saying "No" to a placement.

It has been almost a week since our boys went home so our house has been VERY quiet and kind of lonely. I have the matchers phone number programmed in my phone with the Hallelujah chorus as their ringtone. Today while I was deliberating wiping down my counter again or online shopping for stuff I don't need, my phone cried, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" I screamed for Brandon to come up from reorganizing the basement (have I mentioned that we're really bored without kids?) and answered. Here's the conversation:

Me: Hi matcher!
Matcher: Good morning Teresa. I have something for you guys to think about. Have I already called you about a seven yr old boy, *Steven?
Me: No, is he just coming into care?
Matcher: He is already placed in a home with his younger siblings, but he is displaying some aggression with the little ones. The foster family is asking that he be moved. He has diagnosed ADHD and ODD, and is being medicated. He needs strict structure and a strong male figure. I'll be honest, I'm having a hard time finding a family who will take him.

The conversation went on for about 5min where I explained that I am willing to stretch for an older child, but I would still like the option to take little ones. If he is aggressive, we would have to say no to adding new children to our home. Since Brandon works evenings and Steven goes to school- they would never see each other, which negates having a strong father in the home. We left it with us saying no, and the matcher asking that I call her if I change my mind.

This is the second time I've had a phone call like that this week.We have said "no" twice as much as we have said "yes" to calls from the matchers in the past 2yrs. The reasons have all been different, but the common theme is the children we haven't taken have been older than 5yrs. I feel like a hypocrite when I preach the necessity of Christians doing foster care and loving like Jesus then I say no to a child who needs a Mom. I feel like an all around terrible human being for saying no to a child when I'm sitting at home depressed about not having kids. I made myself nauseated when I realized that we love kids, and we love foster care, and we love caring for the fatherless- as long as you're under 35" tall.

I'm really not fishing for validation with this post, but I do want to work out the reasons we say no to school-aged children:
1) I stay home with our kids. This is very useful when trying to build attachment and working on behaviors with a new child, but isn't as effective when the child is in school all day and I'm chilling at home attaching to nobody.
2) We are 24 and 26, and the older the children are, the younger we look. Most of our friends are either childless or have children under 3yrs. Bringing Steven into our lives and social circle would have guaranteed he would be the only or oldest child most of the time.
3)Shared parenting might also be more difficult with older parents (I'm assuming school aged children have parents who are over 25yrs old). An older parent might not take us seriously when we give advice about the child or trust our judgement concerning the child's care. As we take older children, we also need be aware that they will realize we are younger than their parents, which could mean they won't see us as authority figures
4)We have more experience with kids under 5. My education is in Early Childhood Develpment, and I taught 3yr old preschool for 4yrs before foster care. We could learn how to teach, nurture, and discipline a school aged child, but it's very natural for us to do those things with a younger child and grow into school-age with them.

There are homes who take older children. There are even homes who specifically do not take children under 5yrs. Families like ours and the foster care system as a whole lean heavily on these families to do the hard stuff- to jump into parenting a child who is already set in their ways, already knows a bunch of swear words, and is big enough to leave a mark during a melt down. I tip my hat to these parents. They are champions of our story and I hope one of them takes Steven home today.

Even though I'm currently feeling bad about saying no to a child, I know it is wise to be realistic about our family's strengths and abilities. The WORST thing that can happen for everyone in the triad is for a child to be moved from one foster home to another because the foster family can/will not properly parent a child they accepted. My choice to say no to a placement that I'm not sure of will hopefully prevent ever having to disrupt a placement and cause unnecessary loss and trauma to the child. I want the children who come into my home to never leave unless it's by court order to their biofamiliy. Just like I think the homes who only take older children shouldn't be pressured to take a newborn if they aren't sure about midnight feedings.

Saying no broke my heart today, but it was the right choice for Steven and my family.

*Names have been changed to maintain confidentiality of kids in care