With every new placement comes the awkward moment where I have to meet our baby's bios. This causes so much anxiety for me- I don't know if that's one of my personal quirks, or if it just comes with the territory. No matter what circumstances surround this child coming into care, their parents are going to be part of my life as long as the child is, so we need to get along. For the most part, I've had a good working relationship with our bioparents. I was still so nervous though when Baby 5's first visit came up with his Mom. It was time to get that initial contact out of the way.
I feel the need to dress up like I'm going to a job interview when I meet biofamily. So I donned my button up black shirt and put on makeup as if my ability to apply mascara will convince a Mom that I'm taking good care of her child. Then I printed out pictures of Baby 5's first week with us. I placed them in a note book with a carefully worded note, "Your son is THE cutest baby I have ever seen! I can't imagine how difficult it is to have to trust me with him, but I promise to treat him like gold until he can come home to you." Then I write in the notebook when the next Dr appt is and write it a second time on a piece of loose paper that the parent can take with them.That notebook went into an expertly packed diaper bag: diapers and wipes to last days, 3 bottles with premeasured powdered formula, 3 of baby's cutest outfits that say something to the effect of "I love Mommy", bibs and burps cloths with the same sentiments, a light blanket, and a heavier blanket, diaper rash cream, Vaseline, and an extra binkie.
I bathe baby 5 right before we leave for the visit, slather him in lotion, and dress him in the cutest outfit I can find. In the car I pow-wow with Baby 4 about saying, "Hi" and that's all to Baby 5's Mom. The last thing I need is for him to call her Baby 5's "other" Mommy or ask her why she couldn't keep baby safe. Conversations that are normal at our house, are shocking to outsiders. For the first time I'm not worried about how a black family will accept a white woman caring for their children. I'm meeting a white family today. Suddenly I worry if they'll accept my son- they should, more than anyone, realize that kids don't come into care because they are bad, but because their home wasn't safe. Maybe I should have left 4 with a sitter. Too late now.
We walk into the visitation center, and the caseworker meets me in the lobby to take 5 to his Mom who's already waiting in the room. She says maybe we shouldn't meet until the formal icebreaker is scheduled. She'll bring 5 out to us in an hour. Did I really just get dressed up for nothing?
Baby 4 and I go get lunch and come back in an hour. The caseworker brings out 5 and we leave. As we make our way to the car I see Mom come out of the building and start talking to the caseworker. I wave at her from across the parking lot. She yells, "I'll see you tomorrow!", like we're girlfriends who need to catch up. I buckle the boys in and walk around to my seat as Mom and Grandpa pull up to me in their car. We talk for a few moments and they are more than pleasant. Mom is my age. She's beautiful, well dressed, and articulate in speech. Her Dad reminds me of my own. She thanks me for the pictures and says she wants to be friends. We exchange phone numbers right then and she calls me on the spot to make sure I gave her a real number. She assures me that the reasons 5 was taken are all lies. I tell her I'm sorry she's going through all this- I am, if not just for her then for Baby 5. I leave feeling pretty positive about the whole experience. I hope she noticed how professional my shoes looked with my shirt.
The next day, I go through the same preparation to bring 5 to his visit. Again, I don't see Mom until she comes to my car after the visit is over. She hugs me no less than 10 times and tells me her life story. I gather from her account that Baby 5 may be a short placement before returning to his Dad. She tells me that if she has other children and they get taken, she wants us to have them. She said it like she was giving us a gift. She asks about my husband and Baby 4 and seems really satisfied with my answers. I think she sees herself in me as much as I see myself in her. She's the first Mom I've ever worked with, and the first parent who is my age. Looking at each other is like looking at the "What could have been" if our choices had been different.
We spend the next couple of days texting. I tell her to check the baby's bag at the visit because we made her a footprint plaque. She says she excited and will call me after she gets it. That's the last communication I've had with her. Then she missed 3 visits and our icebreaker meeting. She never took the pictures or the plaque out of the bag.
I don't know what will happen next. She could show up next week like nothing ever happened and never miss another visit. Maybe we'll never speak again. Such is foster care.
I decided to post this because I think a lot of foster parents are apprehensive about meeting the parents. Bios just want to know you love their kids and that you know they are their kids. You could probably even wear jeans, although I don't recommend it :)
Showing posts with label Biofamily Visits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Biofamily Visits. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Bio Day
Today was a good day. It was challenging for me, but really good for Baby 4. The agency that employs 4's play therapist and his Dad's caseworker held a Zoo day and picnic for their clients. I did not expect Dad to show up at all, I didn't even mention the possibility to 4, especially after Dad didn't say anything to 4 about it at their visit. We were going either way because it was a free day at the zoo. 4 and I were both shocked when we saw Dad sitting at the zoo's entrance when we arrived.
We are at the supervised visitation level and I'm still the only one who could deal with 4's trach in an emergency, so I had to monitor all of their interactions. I am not a fan of that. It makes me feel like in the battle between the county and the parent, I'm on the county's side- and I'm not. I like to picture myself standing with my child while the grown-ups handle the battling. I want to give Dad pictures and updates and let the county tell him what he needs to do (or not do). I want to be the good guy. In this case I get to be the good guy mostly, but it's still uncomfortable.
The longer I'm exposed to foster care, the more compassion I get for bioparents. I know how it feels to have children you love live with someone else by court order. No matter what they've done to that child, it's scary for them to think of all the worse things that could be happening to their baby by the strangers they live with. The media doesn't help - with stories of children abused in foster and adoptive homes. There are at least 3 episodes of Law and Order in my netflix que right now about foster parents killing their children. A bioparent could go crazy with all that filling their heads! It's important to me that I let them know we will treat their children well and that we are just normal people who do normal things everyday. I do that by allowing the parent to call me and speak to their children (when allowed by the court), I keep a communication log in the bag I send on visits with pictures and updates about the children. I make sure to use empowering words when talking about their relationship. I say your son is so musical! Baby 4 told me all about him and Daddy playing basketball at your last visit. It takes competition between the child's two families right out of the equation and puts us on the same side- This is your child, I don't want to replace you. While I've always said those things, it's becoming more true with every case. I don't want to take away the child's bioparents, I want to add a foster family that loves them too. A child can not have too many people that want to claim them as their own.
I want to be able to tell the child we eventually adopt that their parents had every chance and that I was was rooting for them along the way. In foster care, contact between parent and child is vital to reducing the length of placement and minimizing additional trauma to the child in permanency. I have heard several different outcomes that have been improved for all sides because the foster parent has supported the bios. From foster parents having years of ongoing contact with kids after reunification, to parents surrendering their rights because they are confident in the care the foster family will give after adoption.
Now is THE most difficult time I've had with bio family relationships. It's the first case where I've had a parent who could not have done anything to prevent the child's placement and is unable to get the child out of care. It's also the first time I've had a parent who made a conscious choice that I will never understand. All our previous cases have been about the parents priorities, there was never direct intention to harm the child. They are the first parents that have been younger than us, and it adds a different dimension that we've never experienced before. We find ourselves fostering them as well. When I bring out a juice box for 4, I bring out a juice box for the parent. I interpret everything the Dr says about 4's medical condition and explain the educational plan as many times as needed.
The biofamilies I've worked with are not fulfilling any stereotypes. They are not scary or homeless. They are dressed appropriately and mostly speak articulately. Also, every single one of our cases have had BioDads that were involved and working the case plan. Babies 1-3 reunited with their Dad having full custody of them. I have never had a Mom work a case plan or reunite with her children. 2/3 of the parents we've had were in their late 30's. I think the stereotype is that kids in care have young single Moms who are trying their best- that just hasn't been our experience.
Bioparents are not to be feared, they are very often fearful themselves. I know that many foster families (ourselves included) have been apprehensive about contact with bios. I have found out there are several ways for a determined bio to find out anything they want about me. My full name appears on court papers, WIC
I never use my last name when dealing directly with the family. I encourage cell phone calls/texts, but do not give out my home number. I'm not super secretive about our vehicles. I give vague approximations of our address like, "We're 10 minutes from the visitation center and 5min from school". I give pictures of the children in their bedrooms and I talk about our extended family and our dogs. So far we haven't had a parent use our information inappropriately.
All of this is for the benefit of our children. When they see us interacting positively with their parents, it boosts their self worth. If I respect where you come from, I respect you. It also gives them permission to love both sets of parents. When bios and fosters look like a united front to the child, then there is no pressure to choose sides or be loyal. 4 is very open- telling me he misses Daddy and Daddy is his favorite because he knows that I'm OK with that. Supporting his attachment to his biofamily builds our attachment and helps us bond.
So while today was uncomfortable, I told Dad's caseworker that I am open to doing more outings like this one because I feel like it's the right thing to do for 4 and his family.
 |
| Baby 4 and his Dad watching the penguins |
We are at the supervised visitation level and I'm still the only one who could deal with 4's trach in an emergency, so I had to monitor all of their interactions. I am not a fan of that. It makes me feel like in the battle between the county and the parent, I'm on the county's side- and I'm not. I like to picture myself standing with my child while the grown-ups handle the battling. I want to give Dad pictures and updates and let the county tell him what he needs to do (or not do). I want to be the good guy. In this case I get to be the good guy mostly, but it's still uncomfortable.
The longer I'm exposed to foster care, the more compassion I get for bioparents. I know how it feels to have children you love live with someone else by court order. No matter what they've done to that child, it's scary for them to think of all the worse things that could be happening to their baby by the strangers they live with. The media doesn't help - with stories of children abused in foster and adoptive homes. There are at least 3 episodes of Law and Order in my netflix que right now about foster parents killing their children. A bioparent could go crazy with all that filling their heads! It's important to me that I let them know we will treat their children well and that we are just normal people who do normal things everyday. I do that by allowing the parent to call me and speak to their children (when allowed by the court), I keep a communication log in the bag I send on visits with pictures and updates about the children. I make sure to use empowering words when talking about their relationship. I say your son is so musical! Baby 4 told me all about him and Daddy playing basketball at your last visit. It takes competition between the child's two families right out of the equation and puts us on the same side- This is your child, I don't want to replace you. While I've always said those things, it's becoming more true with every case. I don't want to take away the child's bioparents, I want to add a foster family that loves them too. A child can not have too many people that want to claim them as their own.
I want to be able to tell the child we eventually adopt that their parents had every chance and that I was was rooting for them along the way. In foster care, contact between parent and child is vital to reducing the length of placement and minimizing additional trauma to the child in permanency. I have heard several different outcomes that have been improved for all sides because the foster parent has supported the bios. From foster parents having years of ongoing contact with kids after reunification, to parents surrendering their rights because they are confident in the care the foster family will give after adoption.
Now is THE most difficult time I've had with bio family relationships. It's the first case where I've had a parent who could not have done anything to prevent the child's placement and is unable to get the child out of care. It's also the first time I've had a parent who made a conscious choice that I will never understand. All our previous cases have been about the parents priorities, there was never direct intention to harm the child. They are the first parents that have been younger than us, and it adds a different dimension that we've never experienced before. We find ourselves fostering them as well. When I bring out a juice box for 4, I bring out a juice box for the parent. I interpret everything the Dr says about 4's medical condition and explain the educational plan as many times as needed.
The biofamilies I've worked with are not fulfilling any stereotypes. They are not scary or homeless. They are dressed appropriately and mostly speak articulately. Also, every single one of our cases have had BioDads that were involved and working the case plan. Babies 1-3 reunited with their Dad having full custody of them. I have never had a Mom work a case plan or reunite with her children. 2/3 of the parents we've had were in their late 30's. I think the stereotype is that kids in care have young single Moms who are trying their best- that just hasn't been our experience.
Bioparents are not to be feared, they are very often fearful themselves. I know that many foster families (ourselves included) have been apprehensive about contact with bios. I have found out there are several ways for a determined bio to find out anything they want about me. My full name appears on court papers, WIC
I never use my last name when dealing directly with the family. I encourage cell phone calls/texts, but do not give out my home number. I'm not super secretive about our vehicles. I give vague approximations of our address like, "We're 10 minutes from the visitation center and 5min from school". I give pictures of the children in their bedrooms and I talk about our extended family and our dogs. So far we haven't had a parent use our information inappropriately.
All of this is for the benefit of our children. When they see us interacting positively with their parents, it boosts their self worth. If I respect where you come from, I respect you. It also gives them permission to love both sets of parents. When bios and fosters look like a united front to the child, then there is no pressure to choose sides or be loyal. 4 is very open- telling me he misses Daddy and Daddy is his favorite because he knows that I'm OK with that. Supporting his attachment to his biofamily builds our attachment and helps us bond.
So while today was uncomfortable, I told Dad's caseworker that I am open to doing more outings like this one because I feel like it's the right thing to do for 4 and his family.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Shared Parenting and the Real World
Shared Parenting is a pretty new term for a pretty old idea in foster care. Boiled down to it's most basic principle, it's really about the adults in the triad "playing nice". The idea is to work together to make the transition in and out of care as fast and painless as possible for the child.
In my county, shared parenting consists of "icebreaker" meetings with bioparents and a 15hr shared parenting CORE class. We're encouraged to keep biofamilies updated on the child's development, schedule, preferences, etc. Shared parenting looks so neat and tidy in the training manual, but it's gritty, abrasive, and intimidating in real life.
Our first attempt at shared parenting came 48hrs after bringing home baby #1. The meet and greet with biodad. We walked into the agency and immediately identified Dad as he and baby are spitting images of each other. I smiled and brought the baby to him while scanning the lobby for the caseworker who was MIA. As we introduce ourselves, I call him by the name that was written on the intake report. Too bad it wasn't his name. As he corrects me, the caseworker comes up to us and tells Dad that the baby has been moved to our home from the foster family that had him for the first 4 days after his discharge from the hospital. What?! He didn't even know we had his baby or that he was coming to the agency to meet us. Way to be on the ball CW! So I let him know that baby is doing well, he had a checkup at he foster care clinic and he's back to birth weight and looking good. I give him pictures of baby in the crib at our house and his immunization record. I tell him how perfect his son is. I tell him we will treat his baby like royalty until dad can bring him home. Dad says nothing- literally staring silently at us. Dad and caseworker take baby into the visitation room for an hour long supervised visit, and we sit in the lobby waiting. We did everything by the book, but our icebreaker felt every kind of wrong.
My most recent attempt at shared parenting was with the Dad of babies 2&3. They are currently in the process of transitioning home, and have been doing overnight unsupervised visits. What I saw when they returned from their first visit was concerning to me. My size 3T toddler was dressed in his brothers 12mo clothes. They both started crying when they came inside the house, ate like crazy and fell asleep. For the next 2days, my 2yr old had to be physically connected to me or breakdown ensued. After consulting theirs and my caseworker, I decided to give Dad a call to talk about how we can smooth the transition for the kids. He was like, "I don't know what you re talking about. They ate and slept fine here. Not even one tear was shed over the weekend". OK, nothing you can really say to that. For the next visit, I wrote a very detailed schedule for Dad. 7:30- wake up, both boys change diapers and clothes. 8:00- Breakfast. Cereal and fruit for Baby 2. 8oz formula for baby 3, and so on. Dad called me at the end of the weekend to let me know that the boys had another great visit. They don't need to nap at the times I wrote or eat as often as I feed them (They are in the 10 and 25 percentile for weight), and toddler does fine at night without a nightlight. I kept my ego in check and said "That's great! I'm so glad everyone is well!". When they came home from that 2nd weekend though, they were happy, clean, and in proper clothes.
Our court date is set for next week. We expect babies 2 &3 will be ordered home- 2wks before baby 3's birthday and the anniversary of us getting baby 2. Shared parenting is the only "insurance" I have that we will continue contact with them. Maybe the tone of civility and common ground I have set will seem normal to Dad and he'll continue to put up with me for the sake of our boys. I offered to pay for a big party for baby 3 in exchange for being there and Dad agreed. He asked us to be the boys' godparents and said we can be involved in their lives. It sounds so great, but I've heard it before, and I guess I'm jaded.
Baby 1 went home nearly one year ago. For 8mo I had kept a journal for bioparents and sent it in the diaper bag for every visit with updates, appointments and weekly pictures. I had a frequent phone relationship with Dad and even held the phone up to baby's ear when mom called to talk to her 3mo old. When baby 1 was ordered home, Dad was all, "Thank you for all you've done for baby 1! We'll keep in touch." He called me once/ week for 3wks to ask questions and give updates. Then I heard nothing. I called him for baby1's first birthday 4 mo later to set up a time to bring him a gift. Dad told me to call Mom who told me they wanted nothing to with me. "Baby 1 doesn't need anything from you". Shared parenting bit me in the fanny- that wasn't in the 15hr training.
Our sharing has taken a lot of editing in our words and attitudes. Shared parenting demands selflessness from foster parents and trust from bioparents. Even though sharing has hurt me, I have to hold hope that it has helped my children- that bioparents are hearing what I say and doing what is best for our child.
In my county, shared parenting consists of "icebreaker" meetings with bioparents and a 15hr shared parenting CORE class. We're encouraged to keep biofamilies updated on the child's development, schedule, preferences, etc. Shared parenting looks so neat and tidy in the training manual, but it's gritty, abrasive, and intimidating in real life.
Our first attempt at shared parenting came 48hrs after bringing home baby #1. The meet and greet with biodad. We walked into the agency and immediately identified Dad as he and baby are spitting images of each other. I smiled and brought the baby to him while scanning the lobby for the caseworker who was MIA. As we introduce ourselves, I call him by the name that was written on the intake report. Too bad it wasn't his name. As he corrects me, the caseworker comes up to us and tells Dad that the baby has been moved to our home from the foster family that had him for the first 4 days after his discharge from the hospital. What?! He didn't even know we had his baby or that he was coming to the agency to meet us. Way to be on the ball CW! So I let him know that baby is doing well, he had a checkup at he foster care clinic and he's back to birth weight and looking good. I give him pictures of baby in the crib at our house and his immunization record. I tell him how perfect his son is. I tell him we will treat his baby like royalty until dad can bring him home. Dad says nothing- literally staring silently at us. Dad and caseworker take baby into the visitation room for an hour long supervised visit, and we sit in the lobby waiting. We did everything by the book, but our icebreaker felt every kind of wrong.
My most recent attempt at shared parenting was with the Dad of babies 2&3. They are currently in the process of transitioning home, and have been doing overnight unsupervised visits. What I saw when they returned from their first visit was concerning to me. My size 3T toddler was dressed in his brothers 12mo clothes. They both started crying when they came inside the house, ate like crazy and fell asleep. For the next 2days, my 2yr old had to be physically connected to me or breakdown ensued. After consulting theirs and my caseworker, I decided to give Dad a call to talk about how we can smooth the transition for the kids. He was like, "I don't know what you re talking about. They ate and slept fine here. Not even one tear was shed over the weekend". OK, nothing you can really say to that. For the next visit, I wrote a very detailed schedule for Dad. 7:30- wake up, both boys change diapers and clothes. 8:00- Breakfast. Cereal and fruit for Baby 2. 8oz formula for baby 3, and so on. Dad called me at the end of the weekend to let me know that the boys had another great visit. They don't need to nap at the times I wrote or eat as often as I feed them (They are in the 10 and 25 percentile for weight), and toddler does fine at night without a nightlight. I kept my ego in check and said "That's great! I'm so glad everyone is well!". When they came home from that 2nd weekend though, they were happy, clean, and in proper clothes.
Our court date is set for next week. We expect babies 2 &3 will be ordered home- 2wks before baby 3's birthday and the anniversary of us getting baby 2. Shared parenting is the only "insurance" I have that we will continue contact with them. Maybe the tone of civility and common ground I have set will seem normal to Dad and he'll continue to put up with me for the sake of our boys. I offered to pay for a big party for baby 3 in exchange for being there and Dad agreed. He asked us to be the boys' godparents and said we can be involved in their lives. It sounds so great, but I've heard it before, and I guess I'm jaded.
Baby 1 went home nearly one year ago. For 8mo I had kept a journal for bioparents and sent it in the diaper bag for every visit with updates, appointments and weekly pictures. I had a frequent phone relationship with Dad and even held the phone up to baby's ear when mom called to talk to her 3mo old. When baby 1 was ordered home, Dad was all, "Thank you for all you've done for baby 1! We'll keep in touch." He called me once/ week for 3wks to ask questions and give updates. Then I heard nothing. I called him for baby1's first birthday 4 mo later to set up a time to bring him a gift. Dad told me to call Mom who told me they wanted nothing to with me. "Baby 1 doesn't need anything from you". Shared parenting bit me in the fanny- that wasn't in the 15hr training.
Our sharing has taken a lot of editing in our words and attitudes. Shared parenting demands selflessness from foster parents and trust from bioparents. Even though sharing has hurt me, I have to hold hope that it has helped my children- that bioparents are hearing what I say and doing what is best for our child.
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