It's been a terrible week

I've been trying to write about this week since Wednesday, but nothing I can say about it is coherent enough to post. Court, BioMoms, Victim Impact Statement, Custody petitions, Article 10 case, Article 6 case, Children's Motrin, Plea agreement - That's what I've written about.

I went to a criminal court proceeding for the first time on Wednesday. Most of the time the neglect/abuse allegations that caused kids to be placed in Foster Care are handled solely in Family court. Sometimes the act is so severe, that not just CPS, but the police get involved and press charges in Criminal court as well. I went to what was supposed to be the sentencing of a parent who did something so terrible that the law allows the judge to sentence 5-15 years as punishment. On top of that, there were 5 other charges that had nothing to do with hurting a child, but each of those held a possible 2-10yr sentence. "Justice" was served and this person admitted guilt to all 6 accusations and was given 8 years in jail for their actions. I was sick. The police investigator was mad. CPS was shocked they got any time at all (since most severe abuse cases only get probation). The perpetrator was completely unreadable- flat affect, no emotion. I hope and pray I never have to sit through something like that again, except I will have to- next week.

The sentencing did not become final last week because no one had been given the opportunity to write a Victim Impact Statement to the judge. Basically, that's a letter to the court explaining how the crime in question has effected the life of the victim after the initial trauma. In this particular case, I am the one who would be writing this letter. The assistant district attorney told me about it like 5 minutes before we walked into court, so I wasn't ready this week. They want to have it on file, though, because it effects future requests for early prison release and parole. So next week I will bring this letter to court and read it to the judge in front of the person who has plead guilty to an act that requires a particular kind of evil that is thankfully very rare. The thought of that gives me hives. These are the things you don't think about when you sign up for Foster Care. You think you are going to be soothing crying babies and dealing with a 6 yr old's temper tantrums- you never think you'll be facing the person who hurt a child and literally being that child's voice to a judge. It's an overwhelming responsibility.

While I was at criminal court, one of my kids had a visit. I keep a notebook in both my kids' visit bags and I write a little update every visit so the parents stay informed about what the child is up to, when appts are, etc. I get home from court, open the notebook, and read, "We have a problem". Oh good, because exactly what I need right now is a problem. The rest of the note explains that I need to have the child always travel with gas drops, Children's Motrin, and baby wipes. The child needed all these things at the (one hour) visit and I didn't provide them. The note said, "I know the state pays you to take care of ---- so you can buy these things". Yes, I can buy these things. As a matter of fact, I have all of these things in my home right now. I am not, however, sending medicine to a visit with a healthy child so you can dose him up without me knowing what he's taken. I called the caseworker, who is going to take care of responding to that note for me, and she agrees that no medicine should travel with the child to the visits unless necessary. Then I looked in the bag, because I always send wipes, and sure enough, there was a full travel case of wipes in the bag

Next on my agenda for the week of horror was to find out from Baby 5's caseworker what she expected from our family court appearance on Thursday. The way I heard it last time we were in court, Jan 26th was the day the judge planned to order Baby 5 home to his Dad. Since then, though, I had heard some concern about this from the law guardian. Also, the county never moved from day visits to overnight visits, even though that's usually what happens when a child is being sent home. The 3 kids we've had leave were having 3 day, 2 night visits with their parent before they were sent home. Baby 5 has never slept anywhere but here. He's only seen his Dad 8 times in his whole life- which is not Dad's fault, it's the county's. Dad came to every visit that was scheduled. Anyway, I called the caseworker and she said that she thought there would be an adjournment on Thursday and that we would go back to court one more time before Baby 5 would be moved. I said, "Should I have him packed?". She said No.

We went to court and there were 2 things to be settled- the CPS case and custody case. As expected, the custody hearing was adjourned until March. What was unexpected is the Judge said that Dad is the preferred placement over any other (us), and Baby should be placed with him, "Immediately" under the CPS case. "Immediately"- had I brought 5 to court that day, I would have literally handed him to Dad right there.

I heard it and started the internal mantra, Don't puke in court. Don't puke in court. I was just holding myself together when the county lawyer says to the judge, "Foster Mother is in the court right now." Ugh! really?! The judge asked me to stand and state my name for the record, which I did. She thanked me for my service and asked me if I was prepared to transition baby today.

My head was spinning- He's not packed, 4 is at school, Brandon's at work, you ordered him home immediately? They won't get to say goodbye! I managed a head nod and  "Yes", although it must have looked pained because Dad spoke up as I opened my mouth.

He said, "I don't want to just rip him away from her. We can wait a few days." There was some banter that I didn't quite listen to because I was figuring out if it was OK for me to sit back down or keep standing in case the judge speaks to me again. In the end it was decided 1) that I could sit down 2) that Baby would be physically returned to Dad on Saturday. I owe Dad for those 2 extra days.

As we left the courtroom, I smiled and said to Dad, "That was great. I'm so happy for you!". I really am happy for him, but sad for us. Then Mom came out. She was hysterical. She wanted Baby 5 to stay with us because that meant she had the chance to get him back. She yelled at the caseworker and collapsed in my arms. She sobbed while I held her and said the most comforting and helpful words I could think of. She apologized for not being able to keep 5 with us. I told her not to be sad for us. We are happy for the time we've had with 5. She walked me to my car and told me she wants us to get another baby. I think the exact phrasing was "Put in an order for a new baby". As ridiculous as the entire day was, it's oddly comforting to know that the woman who's baby was taken from her and placed with me thinks we're good enough to take care of him. I don't know that I'd ever be OK with another woman raising my baby.

So I went home and let everybody know what was going on. It was all very business-like. I called my homefinder. We talked about being open for new placements. I got the baby's laundry together. I used up all the WIC checks we had for this month so he would have formula until his Dad could get WIC transferred to his name. I refilled all Baby's prescriptions so Dad wouldn't have to worry about that until next month. I didn't cry once even though I knew this was a sad thing.

Then last night Baby 5 started fussing. He's had a runny nose for a while that never quite turned into a cold, but is still really annoying. He screams when we clean his nose, but a quick funny face and some peek a boo quickly remedies that. His other current favorite thing is the Oompa Loompa song from Willy Wonka- well, kind of. I don't know most of the words, so Baby 5 is accustomed to my unique rendition. When I got him to stop crying so quickly after blowing his nose, I lost it. I asked a huge favor from my 6 month old. I begged him to be happy at his new house. I held him and asked him to let them calm him down when he's upset. I asked him to be OK with whatever they do to get him to sleep. Please laugh when they play with you, and snuggle when they hold you. Please don't miss the way we do things here.

That's a tall order for a baby. I hate that he has to do any of that.

Baby 5 has been our shortest placement so far- 5 months and 1 week. I love him so much it hurts. I am going to be crushed today when we take him to the county line, put his stuff in his Dad's car and watch them drive away. This is not the kind of set up where there is any hope we'll stay in contact after he leaves. Dad has been very nice to us, but that's just not going to happen, and they live so far away that it's not like we'll bump into them at the grocery store or anything. Today is the last time I will ever hold my baby, and it's awful.

It's been a terrible week.

It's here

November is here.

How is Thanksgiving next week? It was August like 4 seconds ago. This month is full full full of foster craziness.

Court is here.

We had court for Baby 5 today. I was running late and rushed around like a maniac to get there 10 min. late, wait for an hour and a half, then go into the court room for 3min. This is an alarmingly detailed account of what happened:

Judge: This docket number blah blah blah concerning the welfare of the blah family.
(To Mom's Lawyer) Do you need time to talk to your client about blah blah blah or are you ready to address this now?
Mom's Lawyer: I would like an adjournment
Judge: Ok, so we'll come back on December 2nd

Frustration is here.

Then we left. No talk of THE CHILD because that would just be silly.

I'm pretty sure we could solve this state's budget issues by eliminating all of the unnecessary court hearings. I wish court appearances like this were unusual, but it has been our experience that they are all too common.

I tried to grab Baby 5's attorney (Guardian Ad Litem), but she buzzed out of the courtroom without even looking up at the crazy woman waving her down. She hasn't tried to contact me about meeting 5. I find it ridiculous that she can speak to the best interest of a child without ever seeing said child.

Relief is here.

No moves for Baby 5 at least until December 2nd and probably longer than that.

Changes are here.

Baby 4 had his first supervised visit with Relative Resource today. I was waiting in court, so Brandon transported to the visit. From what we can gather, 4 is handling it well. We saw regression in him in the past few weeks as we've prepared him for this. The visit today was right before Preschool, and I thought for sure he'd act up. He did OK, though.

I put together a picture book of Baby 4's stay with us to give to Relative Resource. It included pictures of every hospitalization and celebration we've gone through together. I wanted her to see how much love and support he has had. I wanted her to see how much he has really gone through and what change that has caused in him. I wanted her to have all those pictures just in case Baby 4 is ordered to live with her. Those pictures will be the most accurate description of these past 8 months as he grows and needs to remember.

Baby 4 painted a clay heart and made a playdough sculpture for her as well. He told her last week when she called that he had a present for her. He was so excited. She told him she was bringing him a present as well. She didn't.

Aggravation is here.

Really? It's not that he needs a gift, but this person wants to be his legal guardian and primary caregiver and the 1st thing she does to establish that connection is make empty promises?

Fear is here.

Court is tomorrow for Baby 4. They are deciding if he will go to live with Relative Resource out of state or stay in care with us.

I got the court report that was written by 4's caseworker and was sent to his parents, relative resource, the law guardian, and the judge. This report listed all the scary things that could happen if 4 gets taken out of our house right now. It spoke of how well he's doing and how fragile that progress is. DHS is not recommending his move, but the judge has ultimate say and our judge is known for leaning heavily in favor of maternal bio-figures.

So when he gets sent to her, I'll have official documentation of what I should be fearful of. Excellent.

Nausea is here.

Tomorrow I will be meeting relative resource and we will almost certainly have over an hour together while we wait for court. This is awkward and tricky. Acting experience is a great prerequisite for Foster care. Smiling through nervousness and listening to people who are saying ridiculous things without showing your emotions and opinions all over your face are tough skills.

Just the logistics of packing this kid up in a hurry is upsetting. The amount of stuff he has accumulated is almost comical. I don't know how they are going to get it down to where she lives.

I have felt like I just got off a spinning carnival ride since Monday morning. They don't make a pink liquid to ease foster care tummy troubles.


God is here.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”     Deuteronomy 31:8

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

I have to believe. I have to stand firm on faith because if I thought my child's fate was in the hands of DHS and Family court, there would be no point in any of this.

It's here.

Either everything changes or everything stays the same. We'll see tomorrow.

Growing Up, Growing Out

Baby 4 is developing and changing so fast, I can't even keep up! Last week he started Preschool and Dance!

Today I got an email from his caseworker. They had court today and I didn't go because I didn't particularly want to. There have been some annoying details going on with visits and caseworkers and relative resource that have been bothering me. There is this perception of foster parents that all we want in life is to keep people's kids away from them. That couldn't be further from the truth in Baby 4's case. I have tried very hard to get the county to educate 4's family about his needs so he can spend MORE time with them. Of course I would love to keep Baby 4. If he needs forever from me, I will happily give it. I would never sabotage a reunion because I love my boy.  I have told many people on many occasions that if relative resource seems like she's going to work out, then the training and transfer should happen sooner rather than later so 4 doesn't get more comfortable with us than necessary- but every time we go to court nothing happens and Baby 4 is left hanging in the wind for another 2-4 weeks.

So the caseworker went to court and shockingly nothing happened. Relative resource asked about her petition for custody that has been ignored since April and the county was instructed to get on it and figure out what they think of her. So they go back November and DHS needs to have proof that they have prepared her to care for him and that she either can or can't. If she can, he could be gone by Christmas.

Baby 4's made so much progress in the past 6 months and I'm so proud of him. I'm proud of all of us, really. I didn't know Brandon and I had what it takes to parent a kid like him. Whether he stays or goes, he's going to be better for the time he was here. That's why we do it all, to improve a child's life- even just a little.

It's unnatural to say goodbye to your child. In foster care we are asked to make strong attachments and yet let go easily. We are asked to plan and consider our kids as if they are permanent, yet realistically they aren't. It puts a little spin on every accomplishment and milestone. We're one step closer to losing our son with every dance class and bus ride. I shouldn't have to feel this way until Highschool graduation, but I may never get to see Kindergarten with 4.

As mopey as that sounds, it makes me appreciate our time together a little more. I want to experience everything I can with him. The concept of being separated makes playing "What's this dinosaur?" suddenly tolerable- maybe even enjoyable.

While 4 may be leaving my home, he has left a permanent mark on my heart. For that I am extremely grateful.

Surgery, Relatives, and Court- OH MY!

We started off the week with a bang- 7am surgery for baby 4 on Monday. I had started prepping him for the hospital 4 days before. Everyday we went through, "You're going to put on pajamas and watch TV in bed while you wait for the Dr. The nurse is going to give you a poke like last time, but I'll hold your hand. Then the Dr will give you a ride in the bed to the room with big lights on ceiling. They'll do a nebulizer mask before your nap and when you wake up, I'll give you your present!".

Since 4's parents have custody of him, they have to sign all consents for medical care. I was able to get consent from Dad at last weeks visit, and didn't I leave it in the kitchen when we left for the hospital? So Brandon had to rush down to the hospital with it before they could take 4 to surgery.

Baby 4 wakes up really cranky from anesthesia, so that spurred my idea to bribe him with a new train set for after surgery. When he woke up, he was still really belligerent, but he was yelling, "Where's my train set?!" instead of trying to jump off the bed like last time.  He did so well in recovery, we were able to come home by the afternoon. After an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine, he was up- playing, and eating like normal.

I was expecting 4's bio-family to come to the hospital. I had been told they would call me on Friday to find out the time and would be staying throughout 4's procedure. I wasn't thrilled about being responsible for supervising their interactions with 4, but I could understand their desire to be close while he was in surgery. I had told 4's out of state relative resource that she would need to contact one of the family members who would be present to find out how the surgery went. When no one called me or showed up on Monday, I felt bad relative resource wouldn't know what happened. I called her after 4 was tucked into bed at night. She was very indifferent about 4's medical condition and instead wanted to know if I would be shipping his stuff to her on Wednesday when he is discharged from foster care. I held myself together answered vaguely and nicely like a well-behaved foster parent.

I hung up the phone with relative resource and immediately emailed the caseworker a eloquent version of, What is going on?!? I got a response Tuesday morning that went something like relative resource has a lawyer who is working overtime to get 4 placed out of state. On Wednesday at court, we'll see what happens. Nice. No one had told me about court on Wednesday, and I have a sneaking suspicion I would have never known if I hadn't made that call. There are so many concerns I have with 4 moving anywhere right now, especially with someone who has no idea how to care for him and hasn't even seen him since his medical condition. I definitely let everyone who would listen know every single one of my objections.

Wednesday night, I got a call from the caseworker. She hadn't gone to court, but her supervisor had and told the caseworker nothing happened in court and any decision about relative resource is probably going to take a while. That was all the info we have. I know for sure relative resource wasn't happy about what happened because she didn't call on Wednesday and today she didn't say anything about court. So I got all riled up for no reason.

This is the first case where I haven't been going to court. I never missed one appearance for Babies 1,2, or 3 and their caseworkers have always been very forthcoming with information about times and dates of every hearing. Foster parents have the legal right to attend any and all court dates pertaining to a child in their home. Until the child has been in the home 12 months, foster parents just sit in the gallery. At any point, the foster parents are allowed a lawyer (that they pay out of pocket), but that lawyer would charge $225/hr to sit in the gallery with the foster parents. I like going to court because it gives me clear first hand info about the case, a little face time with the family and law guardian, and shows the judge that normal, committed people love the child. When this case came up, and I was getting resistance from the county about attending court, I thought it wouldn't hurt to step aside this time and skip court. My homefinding caseworker agreed. Was it worth it to rock the  foster care boat? I have the right to be there, but not the obligation. Another consideration was the difficulty in getting a trained babysitter for 4 so I can do anything, much less sit in court for hours. After this, though, I think it's time to start getting involved.

That's our week in foster care- never a dull moment. We also turned down two Hallelujah calls for kids over our age range, and I was offered the chance to become a foster parent trainer and co-teach the certification classes in our county. I'll be going to "train the trainer" classes in July.

Next week we're getting respite 8, a seven month old boy, and logging some training hours at a Lifebook seminar. I'm also hoping to get a blog post or two going.

Foster care gave me split personality disorder

Today was the custody and permanency plan hearing for our boys. They were ordered home by March 1, and they'll physically go home for good Feb 27th. We expected this decision, but that didn't really soften the blow. I'm still sorting through my emotions and I'm realizing that there are several different perspectives rolling around inside my one crazy head.

Personality #1: The Humanitarian

The humanitarian in me is so happy to have been part of the solution for a family in need. I feel like biological families should be together and I'm so happy for Dad. I'm reminded of the foster care mantra, "Our goal is reunification". I want to sing kumbaya or something similar while bringing the family back together. I realize that when we signed up to be foster parents, it wasn't to lay claim to anyone else's kids, but to provide a safe place when a child needs one. I want to bring the boys home today- the sooner the better! They need to live with their parents as soon as possible and then I can go on to the next case and help the next family reunite because "We are the world" and such...

Personality #2: Mama Bear

I am pressed dangerously close to violence to protect my babies. I have a gut instinct that my children are being moved from our very safe, secure home into a place that is a sneeze away from danger. I know that the life my children are used to is healthy and loving, and coming to a screeching halt. The situation they are being moved to is busy, unpredictable, and filled with new faces who haven't been around for the entire year we've had them. I'm sad about losing my loves, and angry that no one else sees that moving a 1yr old who has only known me as his Mommy is NOT healthy or pro-child. It is putting the rights of the parent above the best interest of the child. I was the one who went to the NICU everyday and held him when he was 3lbs. We got him to his healthy, 17lb 12th month. Dad said baby 3 is "easy going" just like him. UM, No! He's easygoing just like us. His mannerisms are from us. His temperment is from us. His food preference is from us. We've cared for him 11mo, 1week, and 1day. Longer than biomom was pregnant, longer than biodad was around at conception and visits combined. I am outraged that anyone would even consider nature v. nurture at this point! I'm doubting my ability to love any other children. No new kids can measure up to my boys, especially now that I'm jaded by the system. I want to keep my boys until the very last second until the caseworker has to come to my house and physically take them from me.

Personality #3- The Well-rounded Hopeful

Then there's this middle ground, where I get the legal basis of why they were sent home. I understand that Dad believes he loves these kids the best. I understand that if every child was moved into a "better" home, all kids would be moved because there is always a family who can provide more, teach better, etc. I'm holding onto Dad's word that we can stay connected with the boys after they go home. I know that new kids will come and I will heal. I also know that if the boys ever come back into care, they will be placed with us again. I believe that the kids are young enough to adjust to a different parenting style and culture. They won't notice the financial differences between their foster and bio families. I accept my complete lack of control in this situation and will ride out this final week by trying to stay present and absorb every moment with them.

I would like to see some stats about mental illness diagnoses after foster care certification, because I can't be the only one losing my mind!!

Hair's the Story: I wear my heart on my head

While styling my hair today, I had to laugh at how many looks I've sported since my relationship with foster care. Every time something changes in our family's situation, I take it out on my locks.

I'm excited to take a walk down hairdo lane:

September 2009. My 23rd birthday, our 4th anniversary, and 1mo since being certified for foster care and bringing home baby 1. I'm sporting a mid-length dark, layered look with trendy side swept bangs. Life couldn't get sweeter!

October 2009. The mom cut. It's mousy brown (I can't remember if I colored it like that, or if the dark just faded and I left it), short, and does the weird flippy thing in the back. Bangs? You can't really tell if they are short bangs that grew out or long bangs that accidentally got snipped too short. This cut happened after I was in full foster parent swing- taking care of a 3mo old and taking respite #1 (red shirt)!! Sick of pony tails, I asked the stylist for something short and fun. She gave me one look and decided frumpy best suited me. But just like my mom cut, life was effortless and and normal during this time and I loved it.

December 2009. The grow out. Here I am painting pottery with baby 1 mid-December. My hair is taking a break and letting nature run it's course. Same thing is happening in Baby1's case. Dad is fighting hard for him back, but is still not ready to keep baby safe. We have a court date the week before Christmas and the caseworker is telling me that baby may go home before Christmas since judge doesn't seem too concerned with the drug tests ("since it's just THC" !!!!!) and we've been doing overnight weekend visits for a bit over a month. I'm seeking the Lord's peace during this month, and trusting that my boy will be safe no matter what happens.

March 1, 2010. Judge orders baby 1 home by March 5 pending the safety inspection of Dads apartment. A full fringe bang and some blonde mark the occasion.

March 12, 2010- This is the last picture of baby 1 right before I bring him home for good. I was clearly 7 kinds of crazy when I decided to trim my hair myself. Apparently my bangs took the brunt of my heartbreak.

May 2010. I've had babies 2&3 for 2 months and my hair is the last thing I want to spend time on in the morning. So we go black and blonde and chop it super short with a fun high/low in the front. I feel like happy Mommy me is back, and my hair is following suit.

September 2010. My 24th birthday, 5th anniversary, and we're renewing our wedding vows!! Dad was all No's when we asked to bring baby 2&3 with us on a Vegas vacation so we could get married by Elvis. Using respite and missing our boys on my birthday was out of the question, so one craigslist ad later we brought Elvis to us and got married in my boss' backyard. My fun ringlets (courtesy of my BFF, Kiki) and "something blue" feather (courtesy of Etsy) are a great representation of how fun that day was especially since our sons were with us.

December 2010. There is no excuse for my hair. It's growing out again and my only goal is to keep it out of my face. In this picture is respite 3, who we had for 19 days. He was our first behavior respite case (as opposed to vacation respite). At 4yrs old, he has lived through too much and it shows in his acting out. This time is busy for us, and my hair is looking neglected.

Today!! I've gone with a red and short shag with quirky waves and a blunt bang. We are transitioning babies 2 &3 home. Court is Feb 17th. I feel like I should be all torn up, but I'm actually doing pretty well. Assuming the boys go home next Thursday, this hairdo will be saying goodbye to the tiny people I love more than my own life and probably welcoming the next chapter of our story. Respite 4 is coming next week. A 2yr old girl for 9days. The home finding caseworkers are pretty sure we'll have a new placement by the time she leaves.

I'm running out of new style ideas. Eventually I'll have to shave it. Maybe next year.