Pride in New York

Foster Care has challenged me in every single way I could have ever imagined. It has tested my faith, marriage, sanity, and friendships. Foster Care has even tested the durability of our dining room set (which Brandon has added extra support to since we've had kids). Foster Care drains all of my time and talent and constantly requires me to be better than what I was sure is my best. It also calls me out on my flaws- like my resistance to change. Foster Care has most definitely put a spotlight on a bit of a pride problem I have. I don't think prideful is a word that people would use to describe me, and I'm only recently becoming aware of it myself. Let me tell you- its not attractive.

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6 ESV

My first collision of foster care and selfish pride was with Baby 1 at our first WIC appt. WIC is a federal food program that gives vouchers for food and formula. To collect these vouchers, you need to go to an office and wait with other women while county workers shuffle papers and make assumptions. See, only the person who actually prints your vouchers knows your situation. They are the only one who looks up your child's info on the computer screen and sees that your income or marital status has no bearing on the child's eligibility. While I consider myself a very loving and understanding person who chats with the Mom next to me without judgement of her collecting WIC, I am very uncomfortable with people assuming that I have children that I can not provide for and must rely on assistance. It's ridiculous, really, because I know that people with average incomes can qualify for WIC and there is nothing wrong with taking advantage of a program that you legitimately qualify for. I just get all embarrassed and try to fight the urge to tell everyone I meet at a WIC appt that I am a foster parent. Pride and ego rule my thoughts when that is God's territory. While I understand and fight to surrender that to Him, the thought of that first appt creeps into my mind: I'm getting all the documentation needed and handing it in. The lady checking me in says, Who is the proxy on the checks? I said, "Umm..Just me I guess" Rude WIC lady says, "So there's no Dad?" Of course there's a Dad! Of course I'm married! AND he has a job! We don't need your pity vouchers with a side of judgemental glances! We are foster parents! We help abused and neglected kids!

"Better to be ordinary and work for a living than act important and starve in the process."
Proverbs 12:9

If I thought getting the checks was humbling enough, I can't even begin to tell you how my pride rears it's ugly head at the grocery store when using them. No one there knows the difference between foster parents and other WIC clients. I especially get embarrassed when I have my WIC purchases of baby food, rice cereal, and formula sitting on the counter in front of salmon, steak, pre-made sushi, or soda. I know I'm fulfilling someone's preconceived prejudice of people using the system or making poor choices. It's at those times that I wish I was wearing a "I love being a Foster Mom" Tshirt.


"He has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate"  Luke 1:52

 A little back story: Baby 4 has medical needs that qualify him for an overnight nurse. We were unable to locate a nurse for him in our area, so I pushed to have the Dr sign off on him being discharged from the hospital with just me doing his overnight care. This has worked well, and I have been able to properly care for him. Back to the post:

My most recent battle with pride happened at Baby 4's preschool evaluation. In the past 2 months I have taken 4 to emergency twice, and I was using that to explain to the school's social worker that while 4 requires very little care, he also requires close supervision because his condition can become severe very quickly for a variety of reasons. The social worker, who I imagine was trying to save the school district some money, suggested I pursue the overnight nurse that would be paid by Medicaid and have that nurse also accompany 4 to preschool. I told her of our difficulty in finding a nurse and said I am comfortable not having a nurse in our home. I reminded her that the school district is responsible for providing a school setting with appropriate medical interventions for 4 and gave my opinion that 4 would be fine as long as a school nurse was in the building, but not necessarily right next to him. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Teresa, I understand that you want to do everything for 4, but look at what's happened because you didn't have a nurse.". EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Do you know who I am? Do you know what I've done for that baby?!?!?! Do you know that I check on him every 2 hours all night long?!?! Do you know that the issues he was hospitalized for had nothing to do with his care (or lack of), but are common complications of having a trach?!?!?! Do you know the only thing in this room larger than your lack of social grace is my ego?!?!?! Clearly she didn't.

"One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor."
Proverbs 29:23         

"For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.". Galatians 6:3ESV

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom." Proverbs 11:2 ESV

I've been playing a memory verse game with Baby 4 every night before bedtime. I always go through how much I love him, Brandon loves him, Mommy and Daddy love him, relative resource loves him, Grandma and Papa love him, and God loves him. I say, "Do you know what God says about you?", and we go through our memory verses: I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am strong and courageous. God did not make me fearful, He gave me a heart to love, muscles for power, and a brain for strong mind. God knew me when I was still in Mommy's tummy. I want 4 to be confident in the identity that has been set for him by God. I want him to know that no matter what others say or think, no matter what circumstances arise- He has value and worth. If God wants that for my son, I can imagine He wants me to get a hold of it too.

Today is the day I'm getting over myself. I'm not saying I'm looking forward to my next WIC appt or rude comment. I do know, however, that those will come and I don't have to worry about what that person's judgement of me is. Regardless of what someone thinks of me- my God gives me value and worth. He knows my situation, effort, and intentions. Thank you foster care for showing me my flaws... again.

Because He Lives

Easter 2010 is on my list of favorite days along with my wedding, closing on our house, and getting our 1st Hallelujah call.

Baby 2- Easter 2010- 18mo old

Last year's Easter was actually spent in the hospital too. Baby 3 was a preemie who spent a little less than a month in the NICU at the same hospital Baby 4 is at. Easter was the second Sunday we had him in church with us. He was 4lbs 9oz that day. Babies 2 & 3 fit perfect in our arms, hearts, and family. I remember getting up early to straighten my hair and put food in the electric roaster for our family dinner. We got the boys ready in cute plaid outfits that were in the same color family as the shirts we were wearing. At church, everybody stopped and cooed over the boys: "They're so cute!", "He's so little!", "You're so blessed!". By the end of service, both of them had pooped through their outfits and were wearing adorable summer attire because it was super nice out that day. We got home, finished dinner, and expected the family by 3pm. At 2:40, I went to change Baby 3 and saw blood in his diaper. I rushed around like a maniac gathering things to go to Emergency. After waiting in a room for 4hrs, the Dr's told me it was diaper rash and to keep Vaseline on his fanny. Once I was home, the whole family took turns loving Baby 3 and I ate dinner with Baby 2 on my lap. It was exactly how I had pictured my life- a snapshot of how God loves me and hears my prayers.

Baby 3- Easter 2010- 1mo 1day old

Today was a different kind of God experience. At 6am, a patient care tech came into our room and announced that the Easter bunny had come while plopping down 3 kinds of candy, stickers, silly bandz and a stuffed rabbit. Baby 4 woke up ready to eat some chocolate while I realized that it wasn't even truly morning yet and I had not prepared for how I would explain the hospitals version of Easter vs. Jesus being risen from the dead to Baby 4. After a failed attempt to tell 4 that it is still night time, and he could see what came when it was morning, I grabbed my Bible and got in bed with him.

Baby 4- Easter 2011- 4yrs

We reviewed that Jesus is God who made us and loves us. I told him Jesus saw that we were doing naughty things. He didn't want us to be away from Him ever, so he came all the way down from Heaven and died on the cross so that his Blood could cover up all our naughty choices. BUT HE DIDN'T STAY DEAD! After 3 days, Jesus' friends were really sad that He died, and they went to the place where His body was, but He wasn't there! He was alive! Only Jesus can make someone be alive again after they die. Because Jesus' blood covers all our naughties. We get to go to Heaven and live with Him when He comes to get us. On Easter, we have a big party to celebrate that Jesus is alive and we get to live with Him in Heaven someday. "That's why you get to wake up very early and eat candy, because today is a happy day."

Church, Eggs, & Bagels

We watched my church's live web broadcast of Easter service while we ate breakfast. Brandon came up after church (with more candy) and we spent the whole day as a family. We played soccer on the play deck and watched Shrek. My Mom brought Easter dinner to us, and it was delicious. Brandon and I tucked Baby 4 in together after a great day.

Today I rejoice that my Jesus has power over death and the grave. The Highest of High cares for me. Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, is tuned into my sorrow and short comings. He knows where I am and wishes to restore me.

    "It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all His doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God's gift has restored our relationship with Him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this. " Titus 3:3-8 (The Message)
Last Easter, Jesus met me where I was. This Easter, I'm pushing past where I am to draw closer to Him. I am thankful today. Thankful for the cross, thankful for baby 4, and thankful for Our Love Story.

Whining About Change

I can never make plans that don't change! I'm sure everyone's life is kind of like that, but life with foster care is always changing every minute. This is definitely a world where a "go with the flow" attitude will take you far. Man, I wish I had a "go with the flow" attitude. I like predictability, plans, and schedules- but I gave it up for love,  sacrificing rigidity for foster care.
Last week I had planned a kid filled weekend of respites. I planned a meet and greet with 6&7 for Wed evening before they came for their stay on Thursday. I prepped 4 for having 3 other kids in the house. Everything was set. Thursday morning I would clean the floors and bathrooms, put dinner in the slow cooker, do physical therapy with Baby 4, then welcome 6&7 at 3pm. But this is how Thursday really went:

9:30am Baby 4 goes into respiratory distress. We head to Emergency

4:30pm- The decision is made to take him into surgery



7:00pm- Tracheostomy is back and we'll be living in the ICU for a week

Baby 4 is doing well now. He had scar tissue in his airway that blocked his breathing and could not be removed during surgery. He'll have the trach for 1-2yrs while the Dr's come up with a plan to open his natural airway. I moved into the hospital with him and we'll be here for about a month while he heals and we find a home-nurse for after discharge. This obviously changed my respite plans for this weekend, but also my plans for where our family is headed in general.

I had been working on how I thought we were going to grow in the coming months. I was going to get Baby 4 in some summer activities to increase his social skills and get him used to responding to others' reactions to his scars. I was studying up on all the coping skills and verbal responses needed when you look different, and body-image boosting exercises that we could do to focus on his strengths. I was also going to go back to work and continue leadership responsibilities at church so I could maintain a personal identity away from Baby 4. We were going to continue taking respites and start lobbying the matchers for another placement under 2yrs old since Baby 4 does well with little ones. I've taken losing 2&3 really hard, but I was on the road to recovery. I had talked to their Dad at the end of March and he said we could see the boys in a week, after they got back from a vacation to see their Grandma in North Carolina. I made their Easter baskets in preparation for that visit. But that was then....

Now Baby 4 is limited in the activities he can do. Now he's not just dealing with curious stares about his scars, but also being treated like a sick kid with his trach. I'm devoting 100% of my time (and identity) to being his full time caregiver, which he needs and deserves. Our time and energy is completely wrapped up in him, so we won't be taking any new kids for now. Babies 2 & 3 have been "on vacation" for 3 weeks now, and Dad is not returning calls. Baby 2's school even called me because they don't know what's going on. The thought that they moved out of state, or are just living off foster care's grid completely made me regress in my healing. If they are removed from Dad's care out of state, they'll be sent to a foster family there. I can wrap my head around them being with their Dad, but if they can't be with him, I can't reconcile them being with strangers. There is also the possibility that Dad is back and just cutting off communication. It was about the one month mark when Baby 1's Dad stopped calling too. I wasn't ready to say goodbye for real.

Baby 4's plan also changed. When he was released from the hospital the first time, the plan was for immediate unsupervised visits with Dad. Before the first one was even set up, that changed to one hour-long per week supervised visit at the county facility. We had one of those before plans changed again. Now Dad can come anytime to see him at the hospital and I'll be monitoring those interactions. Anyone else feel like that's awkward? 'Cause I do. I'm a little relieved Dad hasn't come up to the hospital since we've been here. I've been able to just be 4's whatever-I-am (since he hates when anybody calls me his Mom) without worrying about bioDad's feelings. The flip-side of that is, how do you know your kid in in the hospital (that is a 15min bus ride from your house) for 5days without visiting?!?! He even told 4's caseworker that he was in the lobby about to come up on Saturday and she called me to give a heads-up. He must have gotten lost on the elevator... but that anger is for a whole-other post. There had been talks of visiting with an out of state relative in the near future as well. If that person checked out, the county was thinking this person could be used as a resource for 4. Now he can't travel with his trach, and the relative has said they can't come here to see him anytime soon. I have no idea where that leaves them in the way of becoming a possible home for 4.One of the reasons for Baby 4's placement with us was concern whether his medical needs could be handled by his caregiver. Now that he has significant medical needs that could become life-threatening if ignored, it will be even harder to reunite him with family. While we're happy to have him, I think he was planning to go home, but this changes everything.

Keeping him busy with  log cabin building set

Also changing is my expectations about attachment with 4. I love him as much as I loved the others 1 month into placement. I'm so glad we have him and that our family can meet his needs- from a stay at home Mom that can move into the hospital for a month to having him be the only child until he's ready for some company. However, I'm not as clingy to him like the younger babies. If any of this was happening to them, I'd be a mess- crying and pouring anointing oil over them while speaking in tongues. I wouldn't be able to leave their side even for a moment. It could be a lot of reasons: he's older and more independent, he's handling hospitalization like a trooper with no crying or complaining at all, I've only known him as a child with medical needs, or I'm a terrible human being who cares less about children with each birthday they've had. All are possible, and I have to adjust my definition of parenting to "doing the best I can for Baby 4". I'm just fighting guilt over not being completely smitten with him from the moment our eyes met or whatever.

I can't guarantee what my family will look like from one month to the next, or how the members will feel about each other. I can't make plans too far into the future or even for the next day. I'm constantly conflicted in my emotions. Several times I've made up my mind that foster care is too much for me. Then everything changes.

I have had an incredible epiphany since 4 as been in the hospital. The staff here in the PICU cared for 4 when he was first injured and didn't have a parent with him most of the time. They have remarked several times about the difference they see in him this time around- "He looks so happy!", "He's so polite!". Social workers, nurses, Dr's have all praised me for my selflessness and blah blah blah, but it's not me. I'm not a good person and I don't aspire to go around making other people's kids happy. Dropping everything to rescue a life in danger is Jesus' deal. He did it for me 2,000 yrs ago on a cross, and now He's doing it through me for a kid with no Mom. All I did was follow Him.

 ^"Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion." Philippians 2:5-8 (Msg)

In the end, it doesn't matter if newborns are easier to love than preschoolers, or that my heart is with Baby 2 in NC, or that 4 may never call me Mommy. What matters is that Christ loves me and has commanded me to love foster care. He left a throne in Heaven to die a criminals death to secure my soul, and I've only been asked to leave the comfort of my plans and be flexible with my schedule. The timing couldn't be more perfect with this being Easter week. The week when the church reflects on the sacrifice Christ made is the week I get to sacrifice for Him, to be the proof of His love for Baby 4.

Watching church online Sunday morning





The Old Redemption Story

I have found a new addiction- Foster Parent Podcast. This lovely couple from California shares their foster care story with near-weekly podcasts. There is this strange camaraderie that I feel with these people I've never met. They articulate feelings that I've experienced, but never tried to communicate.

The first was Wendy's thoughts on biochildren. She said that she doesn't grieve having biochildren (or loin children as she calls them), but she grieves not giving birth the children in her home. WOW!! That hit the nail on the head! I have no longing to be pregnant or give birth to a biokid, but if Babies 1-3 had come from my womb I could have kept them safe and protected them from the trauma of separation and placement. I know that I can not accurately predict the attachment I would have with a biobaby, but I am positive that the love I have for my children is as deep, fierce, and explosive as it could be for a child that shares my genetics. I have had to grieve that my children have another Mommy who is integral in their story.

The next point they make early on in their podcasts is about bioparents and Christian faith. They said that it's God's plan for biofamilies to stay together. I never actually had that thought, but it's blaringly true. Foster care is the answer when sin separates families from God's plan for parents to keep kids safe. Jesus came to redeem us all from the sin that has separated us from God's plan.

Galatians 3:13 "Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us". I have been saved through the blood of Jesus, and proudly call myself a Christian.

 If I have authentic faith in the God of the Bible and salvation through Jesus Christ, I must believe that redemption is for bioparents who have fallen away from the plan to keep their kids safe and in their care. This challenges my past attitudes towards the people who have hurt my kids. It's not enough just to love biofamilies. I need to love them like Christ loves them, which includes offering redemption- Romans 3:24  "being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.". Conviction in Podcast form. I have to forgive biofamilies and support reunion to really show Christ to bioparents.

James 1: 26-27 "Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world." (The Message Version)

That was so deep, it had to bypass my mind and land directly into my heart

Your love story is pretty depressing.

It seems a little strange to equate foster care with a love story. After all, we hear about children languishing in care, being tossed around from home to home, being abused and neglected by foster parents who wanted a state check. Where's the love in that? Even if you have a more realistic view on foster care, everyone knows that a child in care has been abused or neglected somehow. So how can foster care be our love story? Incredibly, we have found so much love through this experience and I'm thrilled to be able to share it with you.

We fell in love with each other. Foster care is an incredibly demanding force that whips you up, down, and all around and dictates most facets of your life. My husband has seen me at my worst- literally crumbled on the kitchen floor trying to remember to breathe in between sobs and swear words. He's also seen me at my best, when he walked through the door after work and I was holding our 1st son, who had just come 2hrs before. I have seen him through times of fierce anger that only comes to a father when someone puts his child in danger, and I have witnessed him practice "How old are you?", "two" 20,000 times so our son had it down before his birthday party. We loved each other before foster care, but now we have grown up together in such a way that we are one, now more than ever. We know that no matter how much we share of our love story, only the other really understands.

We fell in love with God. Jesus loves foster care. He personally commanded Christians to care for the fatherless. Brandon and I spent a lot of time praying about expanding our family- about three and a half years (or 42 cycles if you speak TTC). I hit a point in my faith before foster care where I felt that I had laid it all in His hands. I had nothing left to give. I had nothing left to pray. In hindsight I can see so clearly that every hardship and disappointment has prepared me for foster care. I heard someone compare living through trials as seeing a cross stitch quilt from the backside. It looks crazy and ugly. When it's done, though, and you turn it around, suddenly all the chaos makes sense and it comes together to make something beautiful. I bring a quality of care to the table that is only learned through having needed care in the past. I have seen Jesus stand in the gap between me and my children when I was powerless to help them. I am in love with my Jesus, and foster care is the tangible evidence of His love for me.

We fell in love with our children. OBVIOUSLY!! We've had 3 children in the past 2yrs. They came to us at 10 days old, 18mo, and 1 week old. They are the most perfect children anyone has ever met. Just when I'm sure my heart is filled to capacity, I fall deeper in love with them.

We fell in love with their families. Here's the shocker. I never even considered it, much less expected to love our kids' biofamilies. These people have all made at least one poor choice. They haven't always been nice to us. Without them our children would not exist, and that instantly makes them superstars in our love story. Everything we love in our children is biologically connected to these strangers, who suddenly become family. We don't always like them. I wouldn't have chosen a social relationship with them outside of foster care. Suddenly though, it's really important to me that they stay well- that they have food, clothes, and housing. My kids will never be properly cared for if their parents haven't been given every chance at life.

The very nature of foster care demands that there be heartbreak and trauma for everyone in the triad. But we are proof that there is still room for more love than imaginable. I'm proud of our story, and it's exciting to start sharing it.