All Possibility, No Certainty

This week has been super fun and crazy busy. We have Baby 4, Respite 2, and Respite 8. They are all fitting in well together. While these next few weeks are jam packed with trainings, service plan reviews, preschool testing, and court- I'm enjoying every minute with these 3 cuties.

Baby 4 has been such a big helper, and has increased in his usual request of having, "2 babies and 2 boys" to having "5 babies and 2 boys". I have been very intentional about making him the star of this week. I tell him all the time that he is my favorite, and that I'm so happy to have a big boy in our family. He thinks it's so funny when I say, "Oh 4!! These babies make me do so much work! Giving them bottles and changing their diapers makes me so tired! When are they going to be big like you?!". Brandon also made a big deal of having a big boy day with 4 and taking him to see Cars 2.

I called our caseworker on Tuesday to let her know how much we are enjoying Respite 8 and how he has reinforced my desire for a baby. Her response? "Yeah, I actually thought of you guys when he came into care last month." WhAt?!?!?!??!?! We were skipped over for him?! She went on to explain that his case was pretty clear cut and he would be reuniting with his Mom very soon and it would be hard for us to have such a short placement. I agreed and I get it, but it's a little unnerving to know someone else decided against letting us add to our family- even temporarily- especially since his foster care placement is expected to be about 8weeks long and we're doing respite for 3 weeks. How are we to emotionally engaged to do 8 weeks, but not 3? hmmm... I guess I don't like being aware that there are people sitting at desks in an office building making big decisions for my family.

Speaking of big decisions about our family- I think we're being considered for another baby. Our county has all the kids in care go to the county foster care clinic. All of my kids have regularly seen nurse practitioners, but there is one pediatrician who is technically the Dr for all the kids in care. When we were there last week with Baby 4, the Dr stopped me in the hallway and says, "Your name came up in a meeting today." She told me about a one yr old who has severe congenital defects and very low function. She said that although he's 1yr, he functions like a newborn and needs a lot of medical care. The Dr said he'll be coming into care soon and we were being looked at for his placement. She said that we were her recommendation. My caseworker hasn't heard about him yet, so who knows what will happen.

Some of the considerations that we would have to make before accepting another medically frail child would be:

Can he travel in the car?

How many surgeries/ hospitalizations are expected?

How much nursing/ therapies does he need weekly?

What is the expected bio-parent visit schedule? Do I have to be present for those? (I have to be in the building for 4's visits because nobody there is proficient in his care)

Do we expect his condition to improve over time, or is there a poor prognosis?

This is where life with foster care perks up. We're coming back from the black hole of "goodbye", made it through the rocky road of a new case, climbed the mountain of new caseworker style and information, and navigated through the detour signs of relative resources. Now we can be happy- knowing we are living our calling and enjoying this stage of our family. It gets even better from here as we are continually getting better at reading Baby 4's cues and needs, and he gets better at being open with his hopes and feelings. Even though I'm looking forward to the next Hallelujah call, it's not that urgent, "I don't want to be alone" feeling. It's a peaceful, something good is going to happen feeling. I cherish the memories I have when we were in this phase with Baby 1 and then 2 & 3. It's exciting to know this time will be on my list of favorites forever.

Baby 4 ducking on the caterpillar ride at the festival

I have no idea what's in store for our family. I don't know what would have been if Respite 8 was Baby 5. It's a toss up if we will get a call for the precious baby with the broken heart. I could be writing to you next week about our new sibling group of 4 or it could be months before I hear the matcher's voice again. Anything is possible, nothing is certain, and everything has been planned by my God, who knew our story long before we started living it.

Repite 8

Respite 8 came today. He's a 7mo old vacation placement who will be with us until July 12th. He's so easy going and LOVES baby 4. He's a ball of precious and we are excited to have him. I just swaddled and rocked him to sleep. I missed that since Baby 3.

This is a long respite, and it's going to be hard to give him back- I can already feel it. Baby 4's got big plans for him and 8 this week. He told me they're going to ride in the wagon to the park and play trucks. Best friends!

I don't need a day, I need my baby

I haven't been posting much lately because I don't want this blog to sound all melancholy and mopey.
Foster Care has been a very happy and fulfilling journey for me. It's a path that I would choose again if I could do it all over. I love the person, faith, and marriage that has developed through my intersections with my babies and their families. My heart is full to capacity with the love and great memories Foster Care has brought me - and I'm excited because I know that someway, somehow more love will find a place as we add to our story.

At this very moment, however, I'm feeling the other end of the foster care experience. The part where I was "Mommy" to 3 beautiful babies who own my heart, but I can't hold, kiss, or rock any of them. They are celebrating today with people who don't know all the verses to "How much is that doggie in the window?"or that they like oatmeal made with apple juice. I don't know if they went to church this morning or if they had a nightmare last night. I can't kiss their next boo-boo though I want to so badly.

Flowers from my Mom

The fact is that Foster Care doesn't even try to give children the best life possible, it tries to give children their biological family. If their family is even remotely capable of giving the child a bed and meals, they get their kids back. Accepting that goal is part of being a foster parent. It's difficult to KNOW your child would have better nutrition, sleep schedule, schooling, vacations, and more hugs and kisses with you than with their bio-family, but that doesn't matter because the goal says that shared DNA trumps everything else.  Today when I got a "Happy Mother's Day!" greeting, it was hard not to cry. I'd give up every single Mother's Day greeting, gift, and dinner for eternity if I could hold my babies right now. While the very caring people around me acknowledged my Motherhood, I had to go through the day without a single child calling me Mama.

Cupcake Cake from Brandon

This week we've had Respites 6 & 7 this week and they are really fun. They have the same types of medical needs as Baby 4, so their care fits nicely into our normal routine. 6 is the same age as 4 and they mostly enjoy each others company (although sharing is not a strong suit for either). 7 is 2yrs old, but she looks 18mo- tops. She has a very advanced vocabulary and this really delicate voice that makes her sound like an old woman. While she does her best to keep up with the boys, she still needs to be cuddled and babied sometimes. I've been more than happy to oblige. She gets tube feeds overnight and her foster mom told me that she has disconnected herself before, making a big mess by the time everyone else wakes up in the morning. I decided to put her in the crib in our room so I can make sure that doesn't happen here. I love love love having a baby in the crib in our room. A child that sleeps through the night is a great little roommate! It's given me quite the case of baby fever.

Respites 6, 7, & Baby 4

Our homefinding caseworker called me on Wednesday to set up a time for our re-cert inspection. She asked me what I thought of taking other placements, or if we wanted to put a hold on our house until we are better settled with Baby 4. She said that we are likely to get calls quickly now that we have done well with medically frail children. I told her we would want another as long as Baby 4 can remain the oldest, so under 4yrs old. Now I'm rethinking that- I really miss babies. While I want to call her first thing tomorrow and say, "Scratch what I said before, we want another placement under 1yr old.", I'm also questioning the intensity of my feelings. I kind of feel like the woman who wants to get pregnant to save her marriage, but of course that doesn't work because a baby just puts stress on the fractures that were already there. Do I want a baby just to smooth over the struggles I'm having with foster care? Will a baby just set me up for more heartbreak and doubt in the system that I'm a part of? Or would a baby just be awesome, and I over think EVERYTHING? Time will tell I guess, because you know if I get a Hallelujah call, I'm saying yes.

Because He Lives

Easter 2010 is on my list of favorite days along with my wedding, closing on our house, and getting our 1st Hallelujah call.

Baby 2- Easter 2010- 18mo old

Last year's Easter was actually spent in the hospital too. Baby 3 was a preemie who spent a little less than a month in the NICU at the same hospital Baby 4 is at. Easter was the second Sunday we had him in church with us. He was 4lbs 9oz that day. Babies 2 & 3 fit perfect in our arms, hearts, and family. I remember getting up early to straighten my hair and put food in the electric roaster for our family dinner. We got the boys ready in cute plaid outfits that were in the same color family as the shirts we were wearing. At church, everybody stopped and cooed over the boys: "They're so cute!", "He's so little!", "You're so blessed!". By the end of service, both of them had pooped through their outfits and were wearing adorable summer attire because it was super nice out that day. We got home, finished dinner, and expected the family by 3pm. At 2:40, I went to change Baby 3 and saw blood in his diaper. I rushed around like a maniac gathering things to go to Emergency. After waiting in a room for 4hrs, the Dr's told me it was diaper rash and to keep Vaseline on his fanny. Once I was home, the whole family took turns loving Baby 3 and I ate dinner with Baby 2 on my lap. It was exactly how I had pictured my life- a snapshot of how God loves me and hears my prayers.

Baby 3- Easter 2010- 1mo 1day old

Today was a different kind of God experience. At 6am, a patient care tech came into our room and announced that the Easter bunny had come while plopping down 3 kinds of candy, stickers, silly bandz and a stuffed rabbit. Baby 4 woke up ready to eat some chocolate while I realized that it wasn't even truly morning yet and I had not prepared for how I would explain the hospitals version of Easter vs. Jesus being risen from the dead to Baby 4. After a failed attempt to tell 4 that it is still night time, and he could see what came when it was morning, I grabbed my Bible and got in bed with him.

Baby 4- Easter 2011- 4yrs

We reviewed that Jesus is God who made us and loves us. I told him Jesus saw that we were doing naughty things. He didn't want us to be away from Him ever, so he came all the way down from Heaven and died on the cross so that his Blood could cover up all our naughty choices. BUT HE DIDN'T STAY DEAD! After 3 days, Jesus' friends were really sad that He died, and they went to the place where His body was, but He wasn't there! He was alive! Only Jesus can make someone be alive again after they die. Because Jesus' blood covers all our naughties. We get to go to Heaven and live with Him when He comes to get us. On Easter, we have a big party to celebrate that Jesus is alive and we get to live with Him in Heaven someday. "That's why you get to wake up very early and eat candy, because today is a happy day."

Church, Eggs, & Bagels

We watched my church's live web broadcast of Easter service while we ate breakfast. Brandon came up after church (with more candy) and we spent the whole day as a family. We played soccer on the play deck and watched Shrek. My Mom brought Easter dinner to us, and it was delicious. Brandon and I tucked Baby 4 in together after a great day.

Today I rejoice that my Jesus has power over death and the grave. The Highest of High cares for me. Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, is tuned into my sorrow and short comings. He knows where I am and wishes to restore me.

    "It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all His doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God's gift has restored our relationship with Him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this. " Titus 3:3-8 (The Message)
Last Easter, Jesus met me where I was. This Easter, I'm pushing past where I am to draw closer to Him. I am thankful today. Thankful for the cross, thankful for baby 4, and thankful for Our Love Story.

Respite 5

I got a "Hallelujah" call yesterday. As soon as I answered the matcher said, "Don't get excited". She knows me too well! She told me about a foster family who's 6yr old son got sick at school and had to be taken to emergency. The parents weren't sure how long they'd be there and they have and 8mo placement that was at daycare. I have respite 4 staying with us this week and it turns out they attend the same daycare. Matcher asked if I would want to take respite 5 for the night. Of course I said yes! I picked up 4 & 5 from daycare just a couple of hours later.

Since this was so last minute, respite 5's foster parents hadn't packed a bag or written out his schedule. I don't even know their names. I asked for the formula and diapers that the daycare had and asked the teachers for any tips they had about him. They said, "He's really good, and eats 6oz every 4hrs". We're having a blast with him. He loves to cuddle and give sloppy kisses. Last night he woke up 4 times during the night, but was easily rocked back to sleep (by Brandon, I earn no credit for overnight care).

Today the foster Dad called me and asked us to take Respite 5 one more night while they got their other son discharged from the hospital and settled in at home. This small-scale helping isn't changing the world, but we were able to relieve one family's stress for two nights and got to squeeze an adorable baby while doing it.

Respite Care: It's fun to have a fling!

Keeping in line with foster care being our love story, respite care is like casual dating. It's fun, breezy, short-lived, and a sub-category of foster care that we like quite a bit. Kids need respite care when their foster family can not care for them for a short time. There are two types of respite, vacation and behavioral/medical. While we love taking foster care placements, respite relieves us of the emotional turmoil that comes when attaching and saying goodbye to kids. Respite is taking a child into your home for a short, set amount of time. When they leave, they go to their foster home where they are already comfortble and you know the situation is safe.

Fireman Respite 1, Trick or Treating with the YoGabaGaba Gang

Most of our respite cases have been vacation placements.  Respite 1 was a 3yr old boy who we had for 10days in October 2009. His foster parents were helping foster Grandma move to Florida for the winter. We've had him several other times since then, and eventually had to stop becuse his fostermom was using respite like discount babysitting, but I enjoyed him very much. Respite 2 was an 11mo baby that stayed just overnight while his foster mom went to her cottage for the weekend. We have respite #4 right now, and her foster family went on vacation with their older children for winter break.

If a foster family has to leave their child for over 8hrs (or 12?) the caregiver must be a certified foster parent. Kids you get with vacation placements can't go with their family for a variety of reasons that can include: bioparents won't give consent for them to go, the trip isn't kid-friendly or is work-related, the child has school, the child doesn't adjust to change well, etc. We love vacation placements because we can go all-out spoiling the child without being too concerned about discipline or getting into a schedule. You also get to be blissfully unaware of the terrible details that come with every foster care case. And just when you get tired or realize you've eaten out all weekend- their foster family comes back and you ship them off , eat some vegetables, and take a nap. I want my respite kids to think my house is Disneyland, we go to the zoo, Build-A-Bear, indoor play centers, parks, anything fun! It's a vacation for the kids in my home too since they get spoiled right alongside the respite kids.



Baby 2 jumping with Respite 3


Behavior/Medical respite kids have special needs that require a more intensive care than vacation respite cases. They get repite regularly to give their families time to refresh since having a special needs child is so demanding. We've never had a medical respite, but are super-open to it. Respite # 3, a 4yr old boy, was our only behavior respite. We had him first for a 3-day weekend that went GREAT! Now I understand the phrase, "Honeymoon Period". The next stretch was 19 days that included Thanksgiving and the start of Christmas season. I experienced his first meltdown on the night of our Family's Thanksgiving dinner. After telling him he could have another apple after dinner, but not before, since he already had 2- he insisted that he had never eaten an apple. This escalated into him punching, kicking, biting, spitting and saying things like "I hate you!", "I'm gonna kill you", "I'm telling my Daddy you pinched me!", "I'm gonna cut my head off!". Remember, this was over an apple and he's 4yrs old. Immediately after he calmed down, he crawled into my lap and politely asked to watch a movie together. If he were my kid I would be all up in arms, calling his caseworker and diagnosing him with PTSD and bipolar while looking up treatment plans on WebMD. I'd be so embarrassed that my family just saw a 4yr old punch me in the face. But, alas! He was going home in a mere 10days and it wasn't my problem. I was able to love him without the obligation to understand or fix his behavior. Afterall, his foster family was at home resting up so they'd be fresh to do that when he got back to them. I let them and his caseworker know about the incident, then took him to the climbing wall at the indoor bounce center.

Another positive about respite care is that you can continue to utilize the child's daycare if they are normally enrolled- which all of our respite kids have been. This keeps the child's routine in tact as well as the schedule of our kids.  This allows us to take kids that might not mesh perfectly wth ours or who are coming at a time that's busy for our family.

Finally, a quick note about our family right now. Babies 2 & 3 are going home in 5 days. We've moved most of their belongings their Dad's house, switched transportation for Baby 2's preschool, and we've been getting lots of cuddles and "Love you"s in. AND we got to see baby 3's FIRST STEPS!!!

Respite 4 is also proving to be quite an adventure:

1. She's our 1st girl. We always agreed that we wanted boys, but after baby 3, I found myself thinking about dresses and hairbows. We have a pink bedroom in our house for goodness sake! We needed to use our dollhouse bed. So I was excited when we got a call for her. She is so much different from our boys.

2. She's our first white child. It's a HUGE issue in adoption circles that white parents have a hard time caring for the hair and skin of their black children. This is currently hysterical to me since my boys hair and skin have not been an issue for me at all, but I have no idea what I'm doing with her hair and skin. She has super sensitive and dry skin that requires extra attention than what I give my skin, but cannot handle thick cremes like my kids' skin. AND HER HAIR!!! I should preface this by saying I'm just getting used to  doing my own hair, so I'm a little behind the curve. Her hair is baby-fine and straight. It it all one length and falls into her face and food. It tangles while she sleeps and she has no tolerance to getting it brushed out. With my boys' tangles, I can oil and condition their hair and the the comb will slide through the knot, but white hair absorbs oil and easily looks dirty. When I have Baby 2's hair put in braids, it's a pain, but it stays for  3weeks, I'm not doing it every morning!... Long story short, I think I need more practice to get this down :)