Friday, March 14, 2014

Stream of Conciousness

I'm giving you 5 minutes inside my head. I set my stopwatch and I'll type what I'm thinking. When the timer goes off, I post. No editing- so the spelling/grammar nazis may want to skip this post. Ready, Go...

Theres is absolutely no way that anyone would keep reading anything I have to write if they knew how my life really is. I yell at my kids all. the. time. Seriously, is it an Italian thing? Probably. I'm going to go with that. Sorry kids, You need therapy because Mom is Italian. 

Being a foster Mom is a little like being in jail because someone always has an appointment or has someone coming over the house to look at their bed. Because that's going to tell you how well treated they are- looking at their bed. Stupid., The whole system is just stupid. No one has ever checked that they have enough clothes or if I change the baby's diapers often enough to prevent diaper rash. Ido because I'm not trashy, but they don't know that. No one knows if these kids are better off with me, but suddenly you are a foster parent and everyone is all, "you're amazing. You're such a good person! The babies are so lucky to have you!" REally? because I wanted a kid, and then got a kid and now love said kid I'm amazing? Pretty sure I'm just regular. My kids are pretty amazing and I'm super lucky because I could have never met BRandon and have to be navigating the dating scene in my 20's instead of snuggling with the adorable babies that I wanted and got. Yeah, they're really lucky. Go them. Oh! jail. so someone is always in your house and people get sick of you asking them to come to your house and get your kids off the transportation vehicle from visits at 3:30 while you go out and attempt to live your life. 

That's why I'm sitting here with the pedicure I got on DEcember 23rd. I remember it was the 23rd because I asked the lady at Walmart who did it why they were open do late and she sdia she was trying to get hours in since they were closed the next 2 days for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It's gross, really. I Was at Walmart on the 23rd because I still hadn't finished my grocery shopping for Christmas breakfast- which we ended up cancelling because everyone had the stomach flu. also gross. if I wasn't a foster Mom I'd have plenty of time to get pedicures but the rest of my life would be devoid of meaning. Foster care gives me a mission. I'm a champion for the orphan or something noble like that. Not because I'm amazing as I already mentioned, just because you can't be close the devastation in this world and not want to help change it. No one would be able to rock my baby to sleep and not want to help her. She is beautiful. I'm so scared fro her. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I know she calls me Mama,and if I was gone one day because a judge said I had to be, she would know. She would cry. I hate to think that I'm the one who might hurt her in the end. I want to support her going home to a Mom who really does love her but who has been largely absent for her whole first year but i can't imagine a world where that works out for the baby. I never imagined it working out for the last one either, but I guess it did. he seems secure with his Dad. He still wants to be cuddled when he's with me though. I remembers in his skin who I was to him but I don't think he really remembers. I remember and I'll carry that in me til I die. Ew I'm crying. I cry over everything. Brandon must think I'm crazy sitting at the table crying at my computer way past my bedtime. 

If I to just say one thing to anyone and that was it. I would tell them to live their adult lives like we all teach our toddlers to live their lives. If I followed every direction I give Cataleya in a day and applied it to my adult life, I'd be a much better person.

You have two, and she has none. Share.

Gentle. Be Gentle with others. Show me Gentle

You're cranky. Take a nap

Use your words

Your turn is done. What's next. 

Oh! I get insightful when I let myself babble after 11pm! Share, Gentle, Get enough sleep, talk it out, and move on when it's time. That's not about foster care, but it's good stuff.

1 comment:

  1. I love how real your post was, it helps me to guage my emotions as normal for the situation we're going through with our foster baby. She'll be leaving to her relatives probably within the next few months. The sadness comes in waves and I know this is part of the process but loving her and releasing her to strangers she's never seen in her whole life doesn't hurt any less. She has been with us since she was two days old and now she's 10 months. Thank you for writing this.