Monday, August 24, 2015

How are you?

Quick overview: Tuesday was the visit and accident. Wednesday was the day we saw bruising, a CPS report was made, and the kids were removed from our home. Thursday Baby 9's adoption worker came out and told us she had asked for Baby 9 to be removed as well, but her supervisor denied her request and chose to wait until a finding is made in our CPS investigation. Friday was the day that the CPS investigator came out and interviewed me, Brandon, Baby 4, and Baby 9. I feel like that went well. the investigator said that when she interviewed baby 13 in his new home, he did not have a consistent story and did not seem to know what timeline anything happened on. That is totally normal for a 3 year old, but not super helpful in an investigation. She said, The only thing I know for sure is that he was in a car accident Tuesday evening, and we don't know the severity of it yet. It didn't sound like a sure thing, she thinks we're innocent, but it sounded like she was being fair and thinking through all possibilities.

After the investigator left on Friday around 2, I slept until 9pm on the couch. My parents took my kids out to the park and the mall. I stayed in bed most of Saturday too. It took extraordinary will to get up at 2 pm to shower. Yes, I was laying down, half-comatose for 24hrs. I'm writing it because I'm trying hard to be honest. I got out of the house Saturday night for a babysitting gig I had set up a while ago. Having clean clothes on and forcing myself to drink water did perk me up.

I'm still getting tons of support from everyone, but now people are wondering how to handle me. I'm getting a lot of What do you need? How are you feeling? Really, truly? I don't know.

I feel exposed. Like everyone found out some deep, dark secret of mine. It's not that I did anything wrong or had something I was hiding. I feel like everyone can see I'm just human. I was out with my friends completely unaware that my kid needed me. I don't have supernatural powers to know when a kid is lying or telling the truth. I can't guarantee I'll give Baby 9 everything I thought I could promise her family. It's my job to keep my kids safe. I took that very seriously, and still Baby 13 got hurt. I couldn't help him. I couldn't write a compelling email to fix it. I can't find a community resource to help. I can't advocate for a better situation for my family. I'm just me, and I'm a the mercy of CPS like every other Mom in their caseload. I feel like I failed. I know I did the best I could muster for all my kids while they were here. It stings the back of my throat to realize along with everyone else, that my best wasn't enough.

I'm just human, and it's not enough.

Feeling all of that is too much on me, so I need to sleep. I can't be awake with all these thoughts. They are physically painful.

I'm scared, and sad, and frustrated, and anticipating it getting worse before it gets better. I don't miss the kids yet. I know that's coming, but it hasn't hit me, and when it does it will be bad. So, I have that to look forward to.

I obviously can't say that to all the people asking, so I say, "I've been better." or "I'm getting there."

Then I crawl back into bed. Just like I'm going to right now. I lay and wait for the storm to pass.

34 comments:

  1. I'm glad you have local, hands-on support that is genuine. I can only imagine how horrific an experience this must all be. You mention something in this post that I thought I saw hints of in the first one about this, so I'm just going to say what I thought then: This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong by having an evening out with your friends. Please, try to let go of that guilt.

    Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Praying for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1959 Can I just input something here? Let me just say that while this is a very scary thing for you to be going through, your honesty is refreshing and your acceptance that something went wrong "under your watch" is clear. You have not once blamed this person or that person or tried to talk your way out of this. You have admitted that something went wrong and you don't know how to fix it. Welcome to the rest of us who parent with truth and reality.

    I know someone who has had CPS called on them numerous times, somehow being able to talk her way out of any charges, and instead seeks out the person who called CPS and threatens her. This woman indeed should have her children taken from her, but she is so well known in town that people revere her and only go through the motions when CPS is called on her. I've seen her abuse her kids numerous times. In public she is all sweet and syrupy with her kids. She has had the media document all her dear-hearted efforts to help these poor kids she has adopted but behind closed doors she is downright cruel to them, and they fear her and her husband.

    By your post, you seem very open and willing to be honest to a fault, even taking responsibility when possibly it wasn't yours to take.

    I have learned that God allows us to go through stuff so he can teach us to be better than we are. I've also found that He sometimes let us go through "little" things to prevent us from going through "bigger" things.

    Do not be discouraged. You have children that need you and love you and you must be alright for them. You can do this!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Teresa, you and your family are in my prayers. At our foster training we were told it wasn't a question of "if" we'd ever be investigated, it was a question of "when." I'm so sorry you have to go through this - you did nothing wrong. I hope the investigation closes very soon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so sorry. I am praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. 1959 I'm so sorry. I look back at my post and feel that I was NOT saying what I meant to say. I'm just so sorry. My words don't always match what my heart wants to say. Please take care of yourself and know that I am praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so thankful that the supervisor made the right decision for baby 9s best interest and decided to keep her with you until a ruling is made. I am praying for the truth to come out and for peace for you. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. I have learned so much from your blog about fostering and how the system works. You are a blessing!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I agree with Teryn. I have learned so much from you and appreciate your honesty. I'm a new foster mom with 2 babies. I'm so sorry for this mess! And I'm so glad Baby 9 is still home. I am praying for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Worried about you and your family. How are YOU doing? I realize your life is busy connecting with minute by minute reality while I come on here only daily to check on you(r)/blog - so please know I'm thinking and praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Praying for you, your family and baby 13. Your blog has been very inspiring and helped keep my mind on the goals of being a foster parent, I hope you find comfort somewhere during this difficult time.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I too check on you every day and pray for you and your family! I was only able to foster for a week before we were asked to adopt our 4 babies we were fostering. We had to wait the six month period and through that period of time we were required to go through the conditions of foster care. HOWEVER we NEVER had the many unknowns, court dates, visitations, and all of the other things you have had to endure nor the "what if's" that you encounter each and every day.

    We (well I am at least) are all inspired by your tireless efforts and unending love for these sweet children AND their parents. I will continue to pray for your comfort and strength and that the powers that be will see what an amazing example and exceptional foster parents you and your husband are and clear you of everything as well as continue with the adoption of sweet baby 9. Please know we are ALL rooting for you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I stumbled upon your blog a few days ago and I've been reading your old posts. I can tell from your posts that you and your husband are compassionate, loving Christ followers. Your posts have been such an inspiration for me--my husband and I are considering becoming foster parents in a few years. I will pray for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I echo all of the above sentiments and hope you are doing ok. We just started our fostercare classes and your blog (which I binge read over the course of a month alongside binge watching the Fosters thanks to a post you mentioned it in :)) has really helped shape my heart for Fostercare. We are military and thus on tight timelines. I would love to adopt from fostercare but mostly I want to be a fostermom. Your blogs really show the heart needed to set kids and First Parents up for success as they experience reunifications, visitations and just overall relationship within the foster/adopt system. Thank you for your brutal honesty, your insanely refreshing integrity and your heart for your babies. I've decided as we enter this world to start a birthstone necklace to include a stone from each baby, including our current by birth babies. I want them to know they are ours (on loan from God.. just as our birth babies are), and I want to keep them with me beyond their time in our home. Thank you for your inspirational posts, and your raw vulnerability.. You are a blessing to the foster community. Update us. Even just to let us know how we can be praying for you as the situation progresses.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Praying for you and your family as you go through this process. If you can, let us know how you are doing! I cannot imagine how hard this all is. Just know there are people in the world praying every day.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Praying for you and your family as you go through this process. If you can, let us know how you are doing! I cannot imagine how hard this all is. Just know there are people in the world praying every day.

    ReplyDelete
  17. My heart breaks for you, your husband, and all your kids. My children even ask me how baby four, baby nine, and baby girl are doing after I shared your story a few weeks ago. We are praying for God's will and protection on all of you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. My heart breaks for you, your husband, and all your kids. My children even ask me how baby four, baby nine, and baby girl are doing after I shared your story a few weeks ago. We are praying for God's will and protection on all of you.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Prayers are with you.Hope things are improving at your end. Looking forward to hear something good.

    Have faith in GOD.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I've been reading your blog for quite some time. I've read every post and every comment for the past week I've been up until one AM reading your posts. I'm 18 and plan on fostering as soon as I am old enough. My heart is aching for all of the downs that life has thrown your way lately. I hope that everything is shifting towards the positive for you. I hope you post sometime soon with an update.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same reader, again. Today I went and picked up paperwork and scheduled my orientation. You have inspired me and solidified my desire to foster parent.

      Delete
  21. Hi, I really hope things are ok for you. An allegation must be horrific, its a constant worry I have as a fellow fostercarer. I hope you can check in soon even if just to say Hi and let us know you're ok. x

    ReplyDelete
  22. I still check in with your blog, hoping you are doing okay. I worry about you as I check every day and don't see an update. Will continue to pray for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  23. When a woman makes a man feel like a man, watch how he changes and automatically makes you feel like a woman. The same is true for men.

    What Men Secretly Want from me

    ReplyDelete
  24. Praying for you daily sweet friend. Every time I check in and see August 24th at the top of the page, I pray a bit extra. Faithfully believing ALL thing work together for good

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thinking of you and praying for you...

    ReplyDelete
  26. how cute i will love a boy like that..heart touching story...

    custom bobbleheads

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hi, I really hope things are ok and that you can check in soon - doesn't need to be a long update just a quick "hello, we're still here" would be amazing. Thinking of you and sending you love and support. x

    ReplyDelete
  28. I just wanted to stop in and tell you that I'm thinking of you, and that I say a prayer for you and yours each time I pop in. I can only imagine what you are going through.

    ReplyDelete
  29. We have the best offer Pampers diapers and other cheap deals brought together on one site! No more searching for hours Offers!
    pampers

    ReplyDelete
  30. Keep sharing more information like that,
    babysitting jobs

    ReplyDelete
  31. i should say thanks for this really nice and interesting post,.
    Preschool

    ReplyDelete