Why I Hate Adoption

I didn't know where or how to share this story since it's all about our agency domestic newborn adoption of Baby Girl, but it heavily influences my opinion of foster care. Then there's that whole, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." thing. But here I go anyway...

First, I guess I should clarify that I don't necessarily hate adoption as much as I hate the questionable ethics that surround newborn domestic adoption (and likely international adoption, but I don't have personal experience to draw from on that matter). I love the orphans finding Fathers kind of adoption. Kids who need families getting good ones. That's fantastic. There's this murky, muddy area between that and straight up human trafficking/baby selling, though, that makes me break out in hives and gives me a cold sweat.

For us it goes like this:

We got the info for Baby Girl's case when she was already 5 weeks old. Her Mom did not sign the relinquishment until the day before we went to pick her up at 9 weeks old. We knew Mom was very young and Baby Girl was very sick. We knew the plan had always been adoption even before baby was born with medical complications and the pre-birth matched family backed out.

I felt like this was a clear cut situation of a Mom making the choice to give her baby to a family that would provide the life she wanted for her child. I felt this specifically because of the number of times she could have changed her adoption plan. When the first family said they could not go further with the adoption, it was a great time to say, "I want to parent.". During the next 3 weeks where there was no family matched with the baby would have been a great time to say, "I want to parent.". Then when the relinquishment was in front of you- that was a good time to say, "I want to parent.". Since, to my knowledge, there was never any question of the biological family's intention to pursue adoption- I was sure that our adoption was going to be an ethical one.

We had no contact with Baby Girl's biological family at all. We were chosen by the adoption agency to be her family. We were told she was hurt by the other families she had picked that had backed out, so she just wanted the agency to find a family that was serious and met some vague expectations (married, religious). We made a profile that she never saw. I asked for contact, and we were told that she knew we'd be in the hospital for the 2 weeks we were in CA- she would come see us if she wanted. I believed what I was told. Why wouldn't I?

I didn't know enough back then to see the red flags:

The nurses told me how Mom cried for her baby at their goodbye visit while her Father (baby's Grandfather) yelled at her to stop and told her this was her mistake and she needed to fix it.

I found out from the original adoption attorney for the first prospective family that the first prospective adoptive Mother was actually the Dr who administered the pregnancy test to the minor biological Mom at a free clinic. When the Dr realized that the girl was pregnant, she handed the patient to another Dr and somehow became the prospective adoptive family that was prebirth matched to Baby girl without the use of an agency.

The original adoptive family sent a message to us through the attorney. They believed there was- best case scenario- questionable activities in the family involving the minor Biological Mother of my daughter- and worst case scenario- criminal abuse. They wanted to pass this info on because it could be pertinent to Baby Girl's medical condition.

The caseworker from the adoption agency that came to sign placement papers with us in the hospital was also aware of this information. I asked what was being done. Was CPS being contacted? The police? How do we know the Mother is safe right now? I was told that HIPPA prevented the information we had to go anywhere beyond the Dr's treating the baby. (Blatant disregard for human life? Eye on the prize of profitable adoption? We wouldn't want to lose this inventory baby)

The caseworker was honest, but in a very flippant way- like we wouldn't care how the biological family was treated. She was annoyed by the language barrier our case presented. She was reading off an English version of the relinquishment papers while Mom was presented with the same form in Spanish and signed that one. When it came to the part where Mom could have asked for a Post Adoption Contact Agreement (PACA, or open adoption), Mom was unsure if she wanted letters or pictures from us- so her parents had her check "No".

I still had it burned in my head, though, that this adoption had to be the result of an informed decision. We paid for Mom's attorney- who certainly informed her of her rights and the consequences of her choice. We paid an interpreter to be present when Mom met with the adoption agency. We paid the adoption agency who is legally required to make sure Mom is making this adoption plan of her own free will. I would never be part of an unethical adoption.

18 months later, I received a phone call from an unrecognized long distance number. It was my daughter's Mother.

She wanted to know how her baby was doing.

She wanted to know when her baby was coming home.

I was very gentle in my answer. Baby Girl is adopted now. She lives here now.

Mom was very calm and steadfast in her response. No. She is coming home after she gets well. Mom said she only signed the papers for "open adoption" because her baby needed an operation. She insists she was told that open adoption means that when she was older and the baby was healthy, she would get her baby back. Mom begged me to send her the papers she signed so she can prove to me she only signed for us to have Baby Girl temporarily.

I called the adoption agency, who just told me not to worry because legally Baby Girl is ours and nothing can change that. But that is not the point

I do believe this girl was mislead. Even though the adoption agency and lawyer read the papers that very clearly said adoption is forever, she believed her Father who said that she could come back later and fight for her baby back.

I believe that if she did not want to make an adoption plan, she should have been offered other options. Based on what I know of the situation- she should have been placed in foster care herself where she could have made a decision to parent or make an adoption plan away from her abuser. If she wanted a safe place for her baby temporarily while she was able to get everything in place to care for a medically fragile child, foster care should have been offered to her for Baby Girl. Forever in this girl's story, I'm the woman who stole her child. I can pray for a different outcome, but it's not unreasonable to think that Baby Girl may struggle with those thoughts as well.

I have had 3 other phone conversations since that initial call. I've sent text messages with pictures and videos. I did send the copies of the relinquishment she signed as well as our adoption certificate, and I suggested she bring them to her lawyer. Our conversations are interpreted by Mom's high school girlfriends during study hall and in the gym locker room. Mom has not told any of the adults around her that she has contacted me. She wants to have a visit, but that will be very difficult unless she includes her legal guardians. Mom seems lovely. I've delivered really crushing news and she is so so nice to me still. It's just hard to talk real life with a girl who age-wise is supposed to be living in a carefree, responsibility-free world.

At this point, it would do irreparable damage to just hand her baby back to her and say, "Sorry for the miscommunication!" Baby Girl is attached securely to us. Mom has no idea what it takes to care for her. She never understood what was going on medically with her baby. She thought one surgery would make her well. Baby Girl will always be compromised- even after the 3 open heart surgeries needed to correct her condition. There is nothing to be done now except try to be open and include Mom as much as safely possible to allow all of us to heal.

I know, you're thinking, "So.... what does your shady adoption have to do with foster care?"

Here's the deal. You know how over half of this blog is me complaining about how long the TPR and adoption process takes in foster care, and how many chances biological families get? That's what unethical adoption has to do with foster care. When I adopt Baby 4, no one will ever be able to question the ethics of the situation. No one will be able to say that he was stolen. No one will be able to say his parents were tricked. No one will be able to say that some time and support was all that was needed to keep Baby 4's family together. Foster care makes sure that no stone is unturned before permanently severing the legal tie between Mother and child.

There is no counting on an uncaring social worker in some back room to explain the levity of an adoption plan to a scared underage girl who doesn't even speak English. There is no agency who loses a lot of money if an adoption falls through. The parents are required to go to court dozens of times and are told what is happening by a CPS worker who is mandated to provide "due diligence", their attorney, and the judge themselves.

Services must be offered to the parents by the county: Substance abuse treatment, Supportive living, food and rent assistance, parenting classes, daycare assistance, transportation assistance, medical coverage for the child, GED classes, providing baby equipment, WIC, etc. If a child becomes available for adoption after being in foster care, it's because they really need a family- not because their parent was not supported.

Yes, I know there is a large chasm between children/parents in the foster care system who are coming from abusive/neglectful situations and the children/parents in the domestic adoption realm who are faced with this decision for other reasons- but hear me out. There are always going to be waiting lists of doe-eyed prospective adoptive parents waiting for those cute little babies from the agencies. Maybe they don't know or don't care about the ethical tightrope they'll be walking for the rest of their child's life. Maybe they could never give a child back. Maybe they only want an asian girl or a white boy. Maybe they only want babies. Maybe they don't want contact with birth families. Maybe they always dreamt of naming their child after their late Grandmother and so only want a baby they can name. Yes, those are all reasons I have heard in real life for people not adopting from foster care.

But you and I, dear reader: We know better.

We know there are kids in foster care who truly need families. We know raising any child who has been separated from their family will be as difficult as it is rewarding. We know we do not deserve another woman's child even if we find ourselves prepared and barren while she finds herself destitute and pregnant again. We know we do not need to stand in line with our life savings in our hand outstretched, wishing and praying that someone will find us a baby.

Sure, foster care is hard and awful. You might have to hand your baby over and never see them again. But an unethical adoption is even worse. It hurts the child just as much as abuse and neglect.

I never went searching for a newborn domestic adoption. Baby Girl fell in our lap. So I can't say I'll never pursue adoption again when I didn't in the first place. I can say, though, that if another adoption is ever on the horizon for our family I will be insisting on a few things. I will be insisting on pre-placement contact with the birth parents and I will be insisting on post adoption counseling being offered to Mom (that I would pay for) by a counselor who is not affiliated with the adoption agency. I did do some things right this time around. I fought to have an original copy of Baby Girl's original birth certificate and to have the full name of her biological Father- who was not on that birth certificate. I would insist on that again as well.

Barring another unforeseen adoption surprise, I will be pursuing foster care with a clear conscious and open eyes. I will fight for what's right- not just right for me- even though I admit that is hard for me at times. I will not be the one to tell a Mother that she has no rights to her child- forever. Not again.

Our loved one is a foster parent. How do we help?

I sat in on a foster care certification class a few weeks ago. It was a cool dynamic- mostly young couples who don't already have children- trying to become foster parents. They sat surrounded by their parents and siblings. They all asked thoughtful questions, and reeked from their pure sweet intentions going into this crazy new life.

One of the Dads of the fosterlings raised his hand, "My daughter and son-in-law are going to be foster parents. How do we help?"

Oh, Dad. You're a good man. I can tell just by your presence here tonight. Your daughter and son-in-law are going to need lots of help in the next steps of this process, so I'm glad you asked.

You can help by being supportive. That sounds simple and patronizing, but I assure you it isn't. I don't mean, "be supportive", like how you pat them on the back when they announced their intentions of parenting the hurt children of strangers for an undisclosed amount of time before having their hearts ripped out. No, no. That was the easy part. I mean be supportive like take the other children into a different room while your daughter braces herself against the stairwell as to not get pushed down it by a raging 6 year old (as my Dad recently did). I mean be supportive like boarding up the broken window when the 6 year old breaks it after realizing he's not strong enough to throw your daughter down the stairs (as my Dad recently did). I mean be supportive by not suggesting that your daughter quit when things get hard and scary. They will get hard and scary. You won't want your daughter in foster care once you realize what it actually is. Even though you'll quickly realize how much these kids need her. Foster care will make you really proud of your daughter, Dad. So support this endeavor - even when you don't agree.

The next thing you can do is bring food. Bring food when there is a new kid. Bring food when there is court. Bring food when there's a visit. All of these things are exhausting for body and soul. They're going to need to eat, and they're not going to want to cook. It helps if you act like every new kid is a brand new baby your daughter just birthed. Feed her and her family the same way. She's going to labor for her babies, and a casserole shows you noticed. My Mom comes over with snacks and my Dad brings dinner every time we bring a new baby home. In the first few days of a placement, what they feed me is all I consume.

Realize you don't have the full story. We're not allowed to tell you everything. Even if we didn't care about the rules, we don't want to rehash all the bad stuff happening to our kids. We don't want you to worry or think differently about our new little family. It would take a full 3 years for me to get you completely up to date on Baby 4's case. So when I say that I am afraid they'll send little Johnny home, don't tell me they'll never send a toddler to a Mother who lives at the homeless shelter and has a drug problem. I'm afraid for a reason.

Do whatever is required by the agency to allow you to babysit. Sometimes you only have to be older than 18, but sometimes you have to agree to a background check. Other times you may CPR or even these 10 weeks of foster classes in order to give your daughter a break from her constant care of these adorable kids. Whatever it takes, please do it. They are going to need a weekend away and they don't want to place their babies with strangers.

Supplement fun when you see they need it. Sure your daughter is thinking she's going to get the "easy" case of the safe haven baby who was abandoned. There will be no visits, no drug withdrawals, no acting out- because her perfect newborn will only know her as Mommy, and then they'll adopt and live happily ever after. Honestly, though, that's really really unlikely. Foster Care is a buzz kill sometimes. When you notice that fun has faded a bit, could you Google how to make a slip'n'slide and get that crankin' for her? He'll appreciate it because she's been really uptight.

Foster parents have tons of people giving them advice, so don't worry about doing any of that. How we do time out is not like how you "just made" us mind when we were that age. When she births a baby- advise away.

Introduce her kids as your Grandkids to your friends. It makes her feel validated. The kids love it too. They needed a Grandpa just as much as they needed a Mom. Teach them how to golf, and fish, and how to make fun of Grandma when her perm made her hair frizzy. Be the Grandpa.

I know you didn't sign up for this life, but you're here anyway. You are really important in this story.

Reasons, Feelings, Behaviors

"I could only take little kids because they are more manageable than the older ones. Those kids' behaviors are already set."- Random person with a fleeting thought to adopt from foster care who had the courtesy to share their carefully worded comment with me.

It just so happens, I know all about this section of the foster care certification class. Let me share with you what I know about behaviors in kids from foster care.

Children find themselves in foster care for several reasons:

Physical Abuse

Sexual Abuse

Neglect

Parental Incarceration

Domestic Violence in the Home

Medical Maltreatment

By the time a child comes into foster care: 

Something bad has already happened 

Someone found out

And they told

Strangers decided the family must be separated

It is normal and expected that children are going to have feelings about that:

Afraid

Guilty

Angry 

Confused 

Powerless

Worthless

Betrayed

Lonely

Unloved

Embarrassed

These kids come to our home with all of that. At bedtime, they will slip their hands into ours, look us in the eye, and say, "Ms. Teresa, I'm worried that My Mom doesn't love me any more since I told our neighbor that me and my sister had been home alone for 3 days. It's my fault we got taken away from her, and since my self esteem was already pretty low because we're poor, I'm questioning my overall worth.". Then us foster parents hug them, and tell them they are beautiful, and all is right again in the world.

No? That's not how it works? Of course not.

These kids come to our home with all of that. At bedtime, they slip their hands in their diaper and smear poop on the wall. Then they get in our face, scream that they hate us, and call us a "chicken head bitch". When you can calm their outward emotions, they have compulsions to stockpile food in their closet and wet the bed at night. When you can't help them maintain self control, they swipe an entire shelf of picture frames onto the ground in Target or punch themselves in the temples repetitively at school.

Behavior is the language of emotion.

Children who come into foster care have big behaviors because they have big feelings, and all for real reasons. Any child who has a reason for those feelings will show it in their behavior. Behaviors are not set because feelings are not set. They come and go- just like anybody's feelings.

Babies who come into foster care do so for a reason. Please believe me when I tell you they feel that reason. They feel being away from their Mother after birth even though they can't say it. Just like older kids- they behave it. Even when they get a little older and they don't remember- they still feel it.

With all kids, we need to address the feeling behind the behavior. Without identifying the feeling and providing safe and socially acceptable outlets for that emotion, the behaviors the child comes in with will remain.

A lot of frustration for both children, foster families, bio families, and educators occurs when modifying behavior becomes the primary goal. Our most well-intentioned kids can probably white knuckle it through a week or even a month if they are really motivated, but it will not last if we can not get to the root of the behavior. Remember they have very real reasons for those very real feelings.

Foster Parenting is not a matter of finding the right kid so you can avoid big behaviors. Foster Parenting is an immense honor where we have the opportunity to usher kids into a new identity complete with with new behaviors. We get to see kids transition from victim to survivor. When that happens, their feelings and behaviors follow.

It is not easy, and it won't happen fast. Like everything in fostering, though; it's worth it.

My friends made me write this

I went grocery shopping this morning and came home to this group message from some of my friends:

Teresa you really need to update your blog. I love to read it at work and it is clearly time to update!

I so agree.

So....come on Teresa.....38 days til Easter, so how about a blog a day. I would be thrilled!

Me too!

I just checked.....no update! Come on Teresa!!

Peer pressure, Teresa.

we know you have a very calm, quiet home with no reason why you can't stop everything to blog!

38 posts in 38 days? Whew! Challenge accepted!!

Where is our Love Story taking us? I'm pretty sure it's taking us towards another adoption. I got a call today from the caseworker asking that both Brandon and I be physically present at court (not a usual requirement) next week because Baby 4's Dad has expressed to his attorney that he will be signing a surrender.

Surrender.

Dad is agreeing to voluntarily relinquish his parental rights and allow us to adopt Baby 4. In return, he is asking that we continue to support visits between him and his son 6 times/ year for the next 11 years. We have to agree to this as well as the county, and Baby 4's attorney. As long as Dad still wants to do this, I believe all parties agree on the conditions.

1,085 days in foster care.

We got to this point through several events. When 4 came into care, there was a plan made with each of his parents individually that laid out what needed to be done to safely reunite him with them. There was also a search through extended family for a suitable relative guardian- one potential relative resource was found. Throughout the first 457 days, the county worked diligently to get 4 out of foster care. After that point, a petition to terminate parental rights was filed in the courts. Right around day 600, Mom surrendered her rights. On the 700th day, the judge decided we needed to give the diligent efforts to reunify 4 with his biological family one more year. When the case was re-evaluated on day 969, the decision was made to move forward with termination of parental rights while asking the judge to dismiss the petition of the relative resource. Legally, the judge can not move the child to his family. When the judge does this, all legal ties are severed between 4 and his biological family- no one is required to allow any ongoing contact. I can not speak specifically to anyone's intentions, but I would be feeling like a surrender with legally enforceable visits is preferential to a TPR with no continued contact with my child. So on 1,090 we may just do that. After that, we will need to have a homestudy done and file a petition to adopt Baby 4. That could reasonably get done in 6-8 months. Adoption day could come as soon as Fall.

Permanency.

Super Bowl

Baby 4's life changed forever on a Super Bowl Sunday. He woke up a healthy boy and ended his night in the trauma room of the local children's hospital emergency department. He doesn't know anything about the Super Bowl or it's connection to him- but I do. The Super Bowl isn't the same for me now.

It would be another 8 weeks before I knew anything about him. I didn't know my son was fighting hard for his life through surgeries and painful daily procedures. I wish I did know. I wish I could have been there.At the same time, I'm really glad I wasn't. I'm not as strong as Baby 4. I'm not as resilient. I'm not that kind of survivor or over-comer. He is special. He has a rare gift.

Baby 4 wishes I had been there too. This story may just be the moment that I fell in love with Baby 4. He has since led me to many moments where I weep at the tragedy and laugh at the absurdity all at the same time.

I was putting Baby 4 to bed about two years ago when he brought up his Mom- who he hadn't see in nearly a year, and who I have never met. He asked:

Why didn't you stop Susan* from hurting* me?

Oh, Baby. I really wish I could have stopped her. I didn't even know you then.

What would you have said?

I would have said, "Stop! Baby 4 is very special, and we treat special people nicely. We don't hurt them!"

What would she have said?

I think she would have said, "You're right. I shouldn't hurt Baby 4, even though I'm frustrated, because I love him."

Nuh- Uh!!! She would have said, "I'M A CUT YOU!"

Mmmm.. You know, I think you're probably right. She would have said that.


* You know, I change details for privacy.

Confession

I read a lot of foster care blogs. I love foster care madness even when I hate it, and the other blog Moms are so strong and inspirational. There are trends in these kind of blogs. A while back, many of the other blogs posted really great ideas and examples of  organizing all the paperwork foster care throws at you. They posted pictures of notebooks and 3 ring binders for each child that held all their pertinent information:

Name
Date of Birth
Caseworker/Agency Info
Medical Info
Upcoming appts
Documentation of visits and whatnot

Clean. Efficient. Praised by all the professionals. Exactly what you should be doing.

Remember my post about my amazing paperwork taming skills?

That's because there wasn't one.

This is how I keep my foster care paperwork

It's all there. Every paper I could ever need about any of my kids. All their court papers and medical papers. There are notes about visits and bruises and respite scribbled on the backs of junk mail envelopes. I kid you not- there is a really important note about the baby in there that is written in Sharpie marker on a plastic wrapped maxi pad. It was all I had in my purse when the law guardian called. Could I transfer the info to a piece of paper now? Sure! But why kill a maxi pad for no reason, right?

I am speaking my truth right now, so I want to be perfectly clear. This is not a pile that is waiting to be organized. I don't need any tips for a better system. This is it. This is my plan. 

When I need something, I go through all the piles to look for it. I'm vaguely aware of where everything is, so it never takes too long, and I have yet to lose anything. The pile goes from newest to oldest- until I go through it, then it goes from oldest to newest. It takes up one corner of my bedroom and the top of my dresser. 

In the beginning of foster care, our cases were short and not as medically involved. I bought cute pocket folders for babies 1-5, and they worked really nicely. Those are the folders you see actually in the milk crate- not stacked on top. As Baby 4 stayed longer, and had more surgeries, one folder wasn't enough. I bought another folder, but what goes in each? Do I carry them both around? So I did the logical thing- threw my whole system out the window and figured if the beast doesn't take over an unacceptable amount of space, I'll just let him be.

Sure, I could put away the stuff from kids that have been gone for 4 years. It's just that I like to come across those pages when I'm looking for our current permanency hearing report. I like to 

I am in no way advocating the pile all your important documents up in true fire hazzard style organizational system. Have binders and folders and notebooks should the mood strike you, but don't feel alone if sometimes you control the papers and other times the papers control you.

The End of an Era

I remember years, no, decades where babies were the most desirable companions in my mind. From around 5 years old, all I wanted to do was hold a baby or feed a baby. I wanted to help in the church nursery. I wanted to babysit. I wanted to be a Mom to babies. Their fat little feet and soft curly hair was all I could think about.

Then I got my babies. We've had tons of babies. I felt so sad for my friends that were birthing their babies when they started to announce that they were done- no more babies. What a terrible existence! No babies?!

Over Christmas break, we got to do respite for the cutest little baby. He was way easier than both of my girls- who are somewhat high maintenance.  When we've done respites before, I always get a case of baby fever. Imagine my surprise when this time I felt... nothing.

No baby fever. No, "I wish we could keep him.". He was so fun, but the allure of having more babies has left.

During that week, we also got a call from the adoption agency we used for Baby Girl. They had a newborn boy with the same medical condition as her, and thought to reach out to us. I immediately said no. We have the possibility of 2 adoptions in 2014. We're good. After talking to Brandon about him, we faltered a little in our resolve, but mostly for fear that we were his only chance- which ultimately was not a fair reason to pursue his adoption. He deserves to be wanted and sought after like Baby Girl was.

We've always had people asking us what our plans are for fostering/adoption in the future. I used to think we would adopt babies until our bedrooms were full, then become a 6 week home for newborns until they could be placed with working foster families who needed them in daycare, then once all our kids were grown, we'd taking in parenting teens with their babies, then we'd die.

Now, I'm thinking that after our adoptions are done and our kids are in school (which will likely happen around the same time), we could take older kids.

Kids who are potty trained

Kids who can buckle their own seatbelts

Kids who play independently long enough for me to use the bathroom

Kids who don't continuously ask to watch Yo Gabba Gabba

No more formula smell lingering on all my clothes

No more buying whole new wardrobes every couple of weeks for growing preemies/newborns/0-3 month-ers

I might even be able to grocery shop alone during the day while everyone is at school.

Or shower in a quiet house.

My baby days might be ending. I am totally shocked, and really excited.

Edited to add: OK, I just logged on to Facebook, and 2 of my friends were just introduced to their newborn babies who will soon be adopted. Just like that I forgot everything I just posted!

In our family, we have 3 BioMoms who could reasonably have more children that they are unable to parent. We would absolutely say yes to any of our children's siblings. That's my baby compromise.

Blog Business

A couple housekeeping type things:

I'm terrible at checking the blog email, so yahoo shut down the account... again. I am not ignoring your emails on purpose. It would be great if I could figure out how to set up a system where blog emails come to my real email address (which I'm not giving out because it's my full name). So, while I work on that, please don't be offended by my email silence.

I love comments, though, and will respond to those because they do come through to my email. If you want know anything and don't mind it being public- put it in a comment!

Turns out that posts tend to get really long when you haven't written for a year. Thank you for bearing with me until I'm all caught up. I won't be offended if you skim the posts that get especially wordy.

Jail for Christmas

I took Baby 9 to jail on Christmas Eve. I didn't have to, but I thought it was the right thing to do.

We went to court the week before, and the judge ordered jail visits even though the county and the baby's attorney opposed. As we walked out of court, the caseworker said there was no way she'd be able to schedule and supervise a jail visit during Christmas or New Year's week since she had so many days off and tons of stuff that needed to get done. That could have been the end of it, but the parent's attorney came up to me in the lobby, and half apologetically told me that her client had asked that I go to jail to visit with out the baby. It seems I am the only one who would even possibly go see the parent.

I felt all kinds of emotion. This parent has not acted like someone who loves and wants their child. In all honesty, I do love and want their child. I was truly rooting for reunification, but I was so let down when I realized this parent didn't even try. Instead they just passively let life throw them and their baby around regardless of safety and security. On the other hand, I have to think that if there was any choice- anyone else that this person could reach out to- I certainly wouldn't be the one asked to come sit in jail and visit with someone who is clearly very lonely. If I were in jail, my family would care for my kids. They'd come visit me. I'd be asking my lawyer to summons them. I am very fortunate. Isn't it my responsibility to help someone less fortunate- even if I don't deem them "worthy"- especially at Christmas? Then I thought about precious Baby 9- who I love more than life. What would she want? If I could giver her magical expressive speech- what would she say? "Let me stay warm at home while my parent who wants to see us sits alone in jail on Christmas."? Or, "C'mon, my family needs me."? I think Baby 9 would want me to go.

So I called the jail and asked what I needed to do. The person I spoke was really nice once I said I was a foster parent. He told me he could get us an appointment for a visit on Christmas Eve at 7:30am. He said I needed the baby's birth certificate and a letter from CPS stating that the visits are allowed. He said that he would have the parents also sign a release allowing the minor child to visit.

I had no problems getting the caseworker to give me the birth cert and letter. She was thrilled about getting to take the credit for the visit in court without actually doing any work.

I showed up to the jail on Christmas Eve at 7am. There was a long line already for the visitation. I fed the baby her bottle as we stood in line. When I came to the glass window with the guard behind it, I had to give the inmate's name, my name and ID, and the birth cert/letter for the baby. The officer clicked away at his computer silently for 2 minutes before handing me back my documents and pointing me to a side room with another guard who was acting as keeper of the locker keys. I had to give him my ID and the inmates' name. He gave me a key to a locker and instructed me to take out the baby's adorable Christmas hairbow, and both her and my earrings. I would have been allowed to bring only a receiving blanket and pacifier if Baby 9 needed any of those things, but we brought nothing in with us.

When I handed the key back to the keeper, he pointed me to the metal detector. We walked through the big one, then got passed over with a wand by another guard. He giggled a little when he asked me to hold the baby away from me so he could swipe the metal detector wand on both sides of her diaper. The woman in front of me set off the metal detector and after a conversation with the guard, determined it was her underwire bra that was setting it off. They gave her a grocery bag to put it in and she went to the bathroom to take it off. So.. no underwire bras at jail- good to know.

We went from the metal detector to a small room where they buzzed us in to the large visit room. There was a table stretched the full length of the room so it was divided in half. The inmates were on one side and the visitors we on the other. Glass divided the table and ran about shoulder height when I was standing. I was able to pass the baby over for a hug, but one of the officers who were sitting in elevated desks around the room stepped in after just few seconds and the baby had to come back to me. I sat the baby on my side of the table, and she showed off her superb raspberry blowing skills and banged on the glass with her chubby little hands. After ten or so minutes, the guard told me the baby had to be on my lap. From there, she was only visible from the nose up.

The parent apologized for their bad choices and expressed a desire to parent and pursue reunification. They told me the plan was to get out of jail in early January, although that was not the story I heard form the caseworker or the baby's attorney. They asked me to send them Tshirts, socks, and a towel. I tried to keep the conversation on the baby and what she's been up to, but they didn't seem interested. After 30 minutes, the parent ended our visit (it was scheduled for an hour) by saying, "You can go if you want. I know the baby is sick." (She wasn't sick, she was drooly and had a clear runny nose from teething- which I already explained). So I left.

While I was emptying our locker, I noticed the kiosk for depositing money into inmate accounts. I thought about what not having a towel would be like in jail, and decided to put money in the parent's account. I felt good about it because the parent didn't ask for money, and if they weren't in jail, I would have purchased gifts from the baby to send to the visit anyway. So I put $40 on the account before we left.

We were home by 8:30am. It was pretty painless. I can look at my daughter with a clear conscious knowing I did what I thought was right for her and her family on her first Christmas.

The Saturday after Christmas, I received a call from the parent in jail asking for Tshirts, socks, and a towel. I told them I put money in their account for that stuff. They said, yes, they had received the money and greatly appreciate it, but still need those items. Sigh, sometimes there's nothing you can do that is enough. Stomach bugs, colds, and pink eye have taken over our house since Christmas. I have a daughter on a ventilator (that the parent knows about) as well as 2 other children. My husband works during the hours that the jail is open to visitors. I can not drop everything and run some shirts to jail. I did buy them though. We'll see if the parent really does get out this week. If not, I'll plan to take the baby back for a visit and bring those items with me.

If I was worried about "being used" or who deserves what, I would have a very hard time giving again after Christmas Eve. I have to keep focused on what is best for Baby 9. It is best for her to have her parent be well. I can't make someone stop using drugs or committing crimes. I can't make them be a suitable parent. However, I can make sure their feet are warm and their skin is dry after a shower. I can do that pretty easily. I won't drop everything and run when they call, but I will schedule time to be the support that they need right now.

My closing thought on the jail visit is that Baby 9 did awesome with it. I truly believe that is because I was there. I am her constant. I am her primary caregiver. If I'm there and I'm smiling while we sit in a weird smelling room with a ton of strangers, she's going to be OK with that. I think the visit would have gone way different if I would have just let the caseworker handle the visit, and sent baby after the New Year with the caseworker who she only sees 2x/month to go to jail. Jail visits aren't my "job" per se, but Motherhood really has an open ended description. We just do what our kids need us to. I would encourage someone else in my shoes to never make their children go to jail without them.

This is us

I'm feeling fresh and inspired so far in 2014. My New Year's resolution is to blog more. Get excited..

I thought I'd kick us off with a little catch up post to get everyone familiar again:

Me: 2013 kicked my butt every which way but up. I got stuck in the grief of losing Baby 7 and 8. It was very isolating. I watched other people lose children to illness this year, and their process was so much different from mine. Other people came out and grieved with them. There were ceremonies, meal trains, and shared memories. No one else around me knew the twins or really understood why I was so broken. There was no good time to talk about it. So many people still don't know, but the experience factors into who I am now and how I live- so sometimes I don't make sense to bystanders. I have taken my role as caregiver to my medically complex daughter very seriously, and I'm still learning to balance being Mommy with being Advocate /MMA fighter. The behaviors of our oldest have shaken my confidence as a parent, which has turned out to be a blessing in the end. I'm learning to accept that I'm not good enough and can not  muster enough control on my own to heal my children. Only Jesus can make them whole. Only Jesus can take what I have to offer in the way of love and determination, and turn it into everything my children need. It's not my job to be everything. It's my job to introduce them to the God that made them and loves them. Realizing I'm not good enough has been very freeing.

This is us. With babies 2 & 3!!

Brandon: I honestly can't say much for Brandon. He was laid off in the beginning of the year, and then found 2 jobs that he couldn't pick between, so he took them both. He loves our kids. He bought us all head lamps when the power went out in December. Unfortunately we don't see much of him around here. His resolution this year is to get settled in a less ridiculous schedule. His prospects are looking up.

Baby 4: Is doing awesome in the small Christian school we started him in last year. He is completely de-classified, and in general education with no services. His academics are on par. The teacher said she would place him smack dab in the middle of the class for reading and math skill. He's working on his behavior and constant talking. Right now he maintains a steady job of shoveling snow to pay off a broken window that occurred in November. Visits are still the same as they have been forever. We go to court in January where the plan is to adjourn the case until February.

Our Power Ranger, Boots, and Dora the Explorer

Baby Girl: Just turned 2!! My how time flies. She is taking a few steps independently. Using American Sign Language to communicate. She has around 20 signs, and is picking up everything we show her. We are going to be trying hearing aids later this month, but ASL will still likely be her primary language. That means we're all learning ASL!! We've gotten a lot of bad news about her health in the past few months, but she is feeling fine on a day to day level. It's more the long term stuff that's scary. She's back on oxygen and her ventilator 24/7 which was a huge step back from just being on the vent at night with no oxygen over the summer. We have 5 nurses that come into our home 16hrs/day to help care for her. They are awesome, but it is a huge adjustment to have someone in your home all the time. Baby Girl has gotten used to one on one attention from adults, and it leaves us worried about how that will complicate her life when they are gone. She has Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Special Ed, Teacher for the Deaf, and Speech Therapy at the house 5 days/week- leaving limited room for all her princess duties like stealing 4's toys, getting into the dog food, or emptying the Tupperware drawer.

Baby 9: Is a firecracker!! She just turned 8 months old and is: cruising along furniture, climbing steps, self weaned to table food, saying "Dada", "Hey!", "Ah Ma" (that would be my name), giving kisses, clapping, and waving bye-bye. She's wearing 18 month clothes, and has enough hair for two tiny whale spout pigtails. She's the sweetest little cuddlebug. She's super sensitive and her feelings get hurt pretty easily- but her sad, pouty lip face when you've told her no or taken a small object out of her hand before she gets it in her mouth is the cutest thing around. I literally might eat her up like I threaten to all the time because she's so stinkin' cute. Her situation is really up in the air. Everything was chugging right along towards reunification until just about Thanksgiving. Now she is definitely staying for a while and possibly forever- with the understanding that could all change again whenever. She went from no visits, to 6 weekly visits including overnights, to no visits again. She's so resilient, but I wish she didn't have to be.

This is us. Keep an eye out of more posts. I'm feeling hopeful... This is our year!