Foster Care: Our Love story

Our week in review

2012-02-25T00:01:00.001-05:00

Foster care doesn't slow down for President's week or our impending adoption. We have been busy bees over here this week!

Sunday- Not so shockingly, the pre-placement visit with Baby 6 and the woman with five children went poorly and she told us after just an hour that she couldn't take him.

Monday- The county offices were closed, but 6's caseworker called me from home and said the nuns had changed their minds about taking Baby 6. I brought him there at 4:30pm, and the trade off went well. Baby 6 seemed to really like the facility and he's the only child they have right now.

Tuesday- 9am homevisit with Baby 4's caseworker. She's a bit of a wet blanket, but she's very thorough when it comes to documenting everything. Baby 4 LOVES everything Cars, and after 8 months of these visits, she still calls Mater from that movie "Mainer" and Baby 4 has to correct her, which annoys me. She gave me some hope that Baby 4 will be with us for a while. She also approved my Mom coming into our home and watching Baby 4 for the week we'll be in CA for our adoption. This is great news for everyone. 4 will get to keep his routine and we'll be able to rest knowing he's safe- even though I'm sure he'd be safe in respite, I'd still worry.

Wednesday- Our Homefinding caseworker came over to meet my Mom and have her sign the disciplinary contract stating that she won't spank Baby 4 and the consents for the background checks they want to do on her. It's the closest my Mom has gotten to the Foster Care process and I think she likes being involved. We discussed placing our home on "self hold" until the new baby is settled, but decided that while we will say no to taking any new children, we have the room and absolutely want to take any of our past children if they come back into care. We plan to continue fostering and accepting new placements once our daughter has recovered her 2nd surgery in June.

Thursday- Baby 4 had a Biovisit in the afternoon, so I took him to an indoor playcenter in the morning.

Friday- Baby 4 wakes up with pink eye because indoor playcenters are filthy-dirty. So we head to the Dr. I just want bathe in GermX- gross gross gross!

Next week brings a new string of craziness. We visit the surgeon to see if Baby 4's trach is definitely a thing of the past and I start teaching my 2nd MAPP class of fosterlings!

Adoption:Our Miracle Story

2012-02-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

I really want to honor the purpose of this blog, and keep our chats foster-focused. There is certainly enough to discuss without bringing up all our adoption updates as well.

If you're interested, though, there's a pretty incredible story unfolding over at Adoption: Our Miracle Story .

There are some updates I haven't blogged yet and it's still in rough form, but there is an adorable PICTURE of my daughter you may want to check out!!!

"Honey, Can you get the door? The Nuns are back!"

2012-02-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

This story is either really depressing or really funny depending on how you choose to take it. I'm choosing funny because Prozac is expensive stuff :)

We made a heartbreaking decision on Monday to disrupt the placement of Baby 6. We agreed to wait until court on Wednesday when the county was "sure" he'd be discharged to his Relative Resource.

I met Baby 6's Mom on Wednesday morning. She was so nice and we hit it off right away. I didn't say anything to her about disruption because it was going to be a non issue, 6 would be returned after court that afternoon. He was all packed and ready to go when I got a text from his Mom saying he'd be with us for another 2 weeks because the judge denied the placement with RR even though the county, parents, and law guardian were in support of it.

The caseworker said that she is "sure" 6 will be discharged to RR when they go back to court in 2 weeks. Technically, that won't interfere with our adoption because we leave tentatively on March 1st to meet our daughter. But I have little to no faith in the county's prediction of how this case will end. So I asked for him to be moved still. And I heard nothing....

....until Thursday at 4:30 when the matcher called and said that there was a nun- like habit and rosary nun- who wanted to talk to me about taking him. I called Sister Foster Parent twice on Thursday with no success.

This morning I got a call from the caseworker that Sister Foster Parent would be picking 6 up today at noon. I was kind of torn about this placement. As much as our home is not right for Baby 6, I don't know that putting him in a convent is right either. It was a "beggars can't be choosers" moment though and I scheduled the meeting at my house. Sister Foster Parent brought a junior nun with her to meet 6 they seemed normal enough and I thought he warmed up to them well. Baby 4 and I waved to him as they left and I felt a HUGE wave of relief.

....until THEY BROUGHT HIM BACK!!!! What?! Is that even a thing? They can just bring him back? It was literally on 2.5hrs before he was back at my house body slamming my couch. Turns out the nunnery has concrete floors and the first time he got on all fours and started banging his head, they decided this wasn't going to work and put in a call to the county who set it up with me to take him back while they looked for another option.

Seriously. This is the cutest kid anybody could hope for. He's a bruiser for sure and he's got the terrible two thing down to a science, but all he needs is someone who will throw themselves fully into helping him. Someone who will claim him as their own and stick it out the first rough weeks or month. There is no one in my whole county willing to do that for a baby? Everyone wants babies!!

At 4:30 this afternoon, the caseworker calls me with the name and number of a foster home who is considering taking Baby 6. They already have 5 children from 15yrs- 11mo, and Mom home schools all of them. I called her and talked with her a little bit about him and offered to bring him to her. She didn't want to move him right away, and thought visits first would be good. OK, that's a good idea. Then she told me her boys play basketball tomorrow, so a visit then probably isn't a good idea... Well maybe Sunday after church... She's nervous about him being aggressive with their 11mo old...

So basically he's not going anywhere. It's going to get to the point where I have to demand that he be moved immediately, which is unfortunate because I've really been trying to play nice. The agency is closed on Monday, so definitely no moves until Tuesday. I just keep thinking if he fit perfect in our family and we desperately wanted him to stay, he would have been sent home already. Foster Care is tricky that way.

On the other hand, this experience has made me feel a little better about our decision to disrupt. If holy servants of the Lord want to return him, obviously I'm not the problem :)

Taxes and Such

2012-02-14T23:01:00.002-05:00

***Disclaimer- I am in no way an expert in finances or tax law. No portion of this blog should be taken as legal advice. Please contact a tax professional and your agency before making your own tax decisions.***

The IRS allows Foster Parents to claim children who have been placed in their home by an authorized agency and have stayed 6 months or longer for the year. There is something about the child providing 50% of their expenses, and maybe the Foster Care stipend counts towards that or maybe it doesn't- depending on who you ask. If the baby was born after June, but placed directly with you and lived with no one else for the rest of the year, you may or may not be able to claim that child as a dependent.

Obviously this is more of an anecdotal post than informational.

In the MAPP training class we took 3yrs ago, we were told that we could claim kids in care after they had been in our home for 6 months. The MAPP class I co-lead in 2011 was told that kids in care can NOT be claimed as dependents on the foster parents' income tax. I'm not super sure what happened between those years, but I choose to follow what I was told when being certified.

Baby 1 came in August of 2009, so taxes were not an issue at all that year- we couldn't claim him.

Baby 2 lived with his Mother for 2.5 months in 2010, and with me for the remaining 9.5 months. He never spent a night with his Dad. Baby 3 only lived with me for the 10months he was alive in 2010. They never even had an overnight visit during that time. Their caseworker offered me their Social Security numbers in January 2011 so I could claim them as dependents on our 2010 taxes.

We have always used Turbo Tax for our taxes, and we have had good results so far. I put in the information for Baby 2 with no problems and I watched the little ticker at the top of our computer screen go up as our tax return increased. Then I entered Baby 3's info and got a large pop-up- "The Social Security number you entered has already been used for an Earned Income Credit. Make sure the number is correct and no one else can claim the dependent." I checked the number and it was right. I contacted the help line and they informed me that I am legally entitled to dispute the use of 3's social security number by anyone else. I would just need a letter from our agency stating the dates that he was placed with me. The IRS would then investigate both us and the other person who claimed him and make their decision.

Since I was clearly in the right, and the caseworker offered to write that letter for us, I could have filed our taxes by mail with the letter included and waited for an audit. The problem was that I knew by then that the boys were going home. I also knew it was the Dad who claimed Baby 3 fraudulently. I was afraid that pursuing this would cause financial strain in the home where my children would be living, and would kill any possibility for us to see them after they left. So I just claimed Baby 2 and said nothing to Dad about it. It was hard to keep my mouth shut when he told us (after the boys went home) that he bought an Xbox with his tax return. Ugh!

This year is different, though. Baby 4 is with me still. I don't feel the need to play nice with any of the adults in his situation when it comes to money. So I was prepared to be audited and make some people mad when I asked 4's caseworker for his Social security number while preparing to do our taxes. I wasn't prepared for her response, though: "I believe in regards to the claiming foster kids on taxes, we are not a part of that and we are not allowed to provide social security numbers. You could ask your homefinder to see if there is something different then what I believe it is." What?!

So I did exactly what she suggested. My homefinder checked with several other people and called me back to let me know that the caseworker can release his social security number to me, but the county would in no way help me in the case of an audit. They will not write a letter on our behalf, and they will not defend us to upset bios if it comes to that. Whatever, I can prove he was with me without them- good thing I keep all my paperwork. I got the social security number from the caseworker then Baby 5 was sent home, Baby 4 had his birthday and surgery, and taxes got put on the back burner.

The night that baby 4 stayed in the hospital after surgery, Relative Resource called my phone to talk to him. Baby 4's Dad was there too, and talked to RR in front of me. I have no idea what she was saying, but this is what I heard from Dad:

"That's good, That's good. Yeah, I would go to Jackson Hewitt- They're good."
"You don't have any kids"
"I don't know it like that."
"I don't have his card. You have his card."
"I'm not asking her that. She's going to say no anyway."
"Just go to Jackson Hewitt in the morning. They'll tell you."

Like I said, I have no idea what RR was saying, but it sounded to me like I was about to experience a repeat of last year. So I had Brandon bring down all our stuff and I did our taxes right in the hospital that night.

Our return came back just fine, so I guess we're not being audited (yet).

Baby 5 did not live with us for 6mo in one year, and Baby 6 was only with us a couple of weeks so taxes next year should be less exciting since I already have Baby 4's social security number.

Who would have thought that foster care could bring such drama into something as boring as taxes?

I Couldn't Do It

2012-02-13T11:48:00.003-05:00

I'm heartbroken right now. This was part of the Foster Care experience that I didn't plan on. I just called the county and asked to have Baby 6 removed from my home. I'm crying and feeling so guilty about the whole situation.

I did not know about our adoption when I took the placement for Baby 6. I also had not grieved the loss of Baby 5. Further, I did not account for the energy needed to guide Baby 4 through the transition of losing Baby 5, turning 5yrs old, having his trach removed, and getting a new baby.

Baby 6 is covered in bruises from his tantrums this weekend. Our cabinet doors are broken from him hanging on them. My arms and shoulders are sore from pulling him away from danger and holding him still for diaper changes. I have bruises on my stomach and legs where he bangs his head on me. He's rough all the time- even when he's not being aggressive. I'm positive that with consistent discipline and routine he will improve. The problem is I just can't wait it out with him.

I was told by his caseworker last Wednesday that he would be moved on Friday or today to his relative resource. I called her on Friday and left a message, and this morning I left messages for her and the CPS investigator with no answer. At 11am, I called my caseworker who called someone else which resulted in the baby's caseworker calling me at 11:05. She said she doesn't know when or even if Baby will be discharged from care to his relative resource. There is court on Wednesday, but it's still really up in the air. I nearly burst into tears- I don't know how much more I can handle and you had my hopes up!

Still, I wasn't thinking about disruption. I just needed a physical form filled out for him to give to the adoption agency if he's still going to be here when we bring home our daughter. Caseworker told me to call the Dr. and get that done.

I called the Dr, who had just filled out this form for Baby 4, and she asked me if I knew that one of the questions on the form is "Is there any reason a child should not be placed in the home of the applicant with this patient?". The Dr. told me that she would have to say there is a concern for the safety of another child placed in our home due to 6's behavior. I made my choice right then to disrupt.

I don't know if that statement made by the Dr. would have stopped the adoption, although it certainly wouldn't have helped things, but either way the Dr's statement was true. There is concern for the new baby's safety if 6 is still with us. On top of her being a newborn, our daughter is medically fragile. If 6 can leave bruises on me, what could he do to her? There is no way I would put her in danger.

I've said very strongly worded, opinionated things about families who disrupt. It's a crappy thing to do. It's reckless and harmful. I don't take any of it back. I still think those things. Baby 6 needed someone who was on his side and would help him heal after placement in foster care. His behavior is a direct result of his trauma, and instead of being the end of that road I just added another stop to his instability.

There was a choice to be made between 2 kids, and I made the choice that benefited me most. I'll never have to say "Goodbye' to our daughter, so I chose her. It's not noble, it's selfish. I tried to balance foster care and adoption, and I couldn't do it.

So the plan now is to wait to see how court goes Wednesday. Hopefully he can go home, but if not he'll be moved to a new foster home where he is the only child. He'll be OK in the long run, but I will continue to be another person in a long list of people who failed him. That stinks.

an Update and a Winner!

2012-02-08T11:56:00.000-05:00

I have been completely wrapped up in my own head this past week. I've reached a level of anxiety that was formerly unknown. I literally can do nothing but walk around in a haze of adoption jargon and unsure plans.

When we first found out about a newborn girl with a broken heart who needed a family, I refused to let myself have any feelings about it. I was like: Sure, I can handle sending in our info and being told "No". But then we were told "Yes" and I was completely thrown for a loop. We have spoken to adoption agencies (plural) this week, a lawyer, and Dr's all the way across the country this week. We found out that 5 other families were considered as well, and we were the family matched with this baby. We found out that California didn't like our homestudy and we need to do it over again- in the next week. We found out that she doesn't have a name yet, so we went ahead and gave her one, albeit unofficially. Baby is not ready to be discharged from the hospital yet, but she's getting bigger and stronger everyday. She was born at 33 weeks- 4lbs 9oz and now she's nearly 6 weeks old and 5lbs 12oz. We think when she comes home, she'll need just normal infant care with the exception another heart surgery when she's 6 mo old. Everyone wants us to adopt this little girl, but we need to get over the legal hurdles to make this happen. The entire process to be approved for this adoption usually takes 6 months and we need to get it done in 3 weeks, so we can bring her home in 4 weeks. Now I'm like: Nope, I can not handle sending in our info and being told "No".

Baby 6 is a tornado of toddler. He is so cute, but it's literally nonstop cleaning and recleaning, hiding our remotes, and keeping him from climbing the baby gates. He's pulled 4 keys off my laptop. He doesn't stay in one place long enough to really have a feel for who he is. Except bedtime. Come 7pm, he will let me hold him, rock, and sing until he's sleeping. There has been a relative resource identified for him that is being checked out right now. I'm kind of hoping he can go to her soon. Had I known about everything we'd be going through in these next few weeks, I probably wouldn't have taken another placement. There has to be a reason that I got the email about our daughter (?!?!?!?!!!!) 7hrs after taking him rather than 7hrs before.

When I told the county about the adoption and our need for respite in a couple of weeks, the matcher offered us the option to disrupt 6's placement. She said everyone would understand if it was too much right now, and 6 would be OK. My knee jerk reaction is to pack him up. That's not me, though. We don't send kids back because they are difficult or because we are busy!! So 3 or 4 times a day I look up from the goldfish crackers he just threw on the floor or the photo album that he ripped apart and I say a little "Thank you" for the blessing that he is and the excitement he brought to our family.

Baby 4 is doing AMAZING!!! He's breathing perfectly on his own. He's so patient with Baby 6, who has trashed the playroom and hits 4 all the time. I am so grateful for him. He's the best kid I know. I've started trying to prep him for respite and our adoption by telling him that we need a girl baby around here, so if there is a girl baby that needs a house, we would say, "Pick us! Pick us!". We told him that he might have to have a sleepover at our friend's house while we pick her up. 4 was totally cool with it. This morning he asked, "Are you getting my sister today?". Not yet, buddy.

The photo album that 6 ripped up had pictures of Baby 5 in it. I completely broke down. I haven't had any time to miss my boy, but that heartbreak doesn't go away until you face it. I miss the face that smiled at me all day everyday. I miss pureed bananas and even carrying that heavy, bulky infant carseat. I'm so so happy about out future and so so sad about the past.

So that's whats going on here. Now on to the important stuff :)

Thank you to everyone that reads my blog and everyone who entered our 100th post giveaway!!

And The...

Winner Is...

*Brittany*!!

*Brittany*- shoot me an email @ fostercareourlovestory@yahoo.com and let me know where to mail your prize!! Congratulations!!

It Happened On a Friday

2012-02-04T14:09:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of things I'll say about Foster Care, but one thing I'll never say is that it's boring. Foster Parents have no need to go bungee jumping, sky diving, or spelunking because we get all the adrenaline we need just sitting around on a Friday.

Let's start on Thursday to set the scene: Baby 4 and I were in the hospital after his last surgery (YAY!!) to take his trach out. The procedure went splendidly and he is feeling fantastic, but they had him spend the night for observation. Baby 4 went to sleep at 7:30 and I started loading Turbo Tax onto my laptop because we need to get our taxes done ASAP (There is so much to our tax story that it will be it's own post this week- keep an eye out for it). Long Story short, my computer is super slow and I fell asleep at 10:30 still waiting for it to load.

Look MA! No Trach!!

My Friday started at 1:00am. We get a room mate who is apparently very unhappy with her admission into the hospital. She cries all night and screams when anyone in scrubs walks into the room- even if they are there for Baby 4. I am so thankful that 4 slept through the whole thing. I was less fortunate, and was wide awake until 3:30. I did get our taxes done, though.

When I fell asleep at 3:30, it was a very short 3 hours until Baby 4 said, "Can I watch a movie?" at 6:30m.

We got dressed, ate breakfast, and watched How To Train Your Dragon. At 8:30, the Dr. came in and said He was going to write up our discharge papers and we should be home by 9am.

At 10:06 am we still hadn't seen those discharge papers, and were watching Elmo in Grouchland when I got my Hallelujah!! I answered the Matchers call and she first asked about 4. When I told her that we were still in the hospital, she hesitated bout the placement of Baby 6. I avoided the reflex to beg by calmly assuring her that we would be home soon, and that Baby 4 is feeling fine. She told me Baby 6 was taken into care yesterday and placed with a newly certified foster home. After a very rough and sleepless night, the family asked for him to be removed immediately. He's 22 months old and we know very little about him.

The matcher knows I have a judgemental streak, and she defended the first foster family as much possible saying that the foster parents work and have to be up in the morning, etc, etc. Here's my opinion, not that it counts for anything- Don't take a child into your home if you're not willing to stick by him as he transitions. We're talking about a 1yr old who climbs out of the crib at night an bangs his head on the ground when you tell him "No", not a kid who killed your cat or ran away. How do you say no to a baby that's already in your house?! I'm mad because this has happened to 2 of my babies- Baby 1 and Baby 6 had their first placement disrupted before coming to us and it makes me furious. Do you not know what you're signing up for? It's a kid- who was taken from their Mother and put in your house. They are not going to walk in, kiss you, and call you Mommy- but that's not a good reason to keep your receipt and return them within 30 days. Back to my day...

So I said yes to Baby 6 at 10:10am. We were released from the hospital at 10:45. Baby 6's caseworker brought him to our house at 12 noon. He is definitely a handful. He's as active as any 1yr old boy I've seen. He has a serious case of cuteness. He loves Baby 4 and the dogs. Harley- our bigger dog- licked 6's face and 6 licked him right back.

At 1:00 we went to Walmart for our new kid shopping spree. Baby 6 came with 3 diapers, a snow suit that he will not be wearing here due to my pride, 3 pairs of pants, 2 shirts, and a footed sleeper.

By 3:00pm, we had accumulated a bunch of Gerber finger foods, 3 sippy cups, boots, sneakers, 5 pairs of pants, 4 shirts, a 10 pack of socks, 2 sets of PJ's, a winter coat, 2 pacifiers (my guess at why he didn't sleep for the other foster family), lotion and bath wash, a diaper bag for his visits, a case of diapers, travel size GermX for his visit bag, and 2 heart picture frames for his parents. $162.72 at Walmart on a Friday. You know those credit card ads? The face on the cashier when baby 4 told her we were buying clothes for his new brother because we take kids who have no house- priceless.

7:30pm Baby 6 went to sleep in a crib with zero tantruming. He slept straight through to 7 this morning- thank you binkie!!

After getting 4 & 6 to bed, I checked my email. I got a response from the adoption agency we've been working with since last Friday on the adoption of a newborn girl in California. This has been a crazy set of circumstances, but basically we are teleconferencing with BioMom's lawyer and Baby's Drs on Tuesday. If this adoption goes through, it would happen very quickly and it would have God's signature all over it. How many people have a baby emailed to them on a Friday?

Here are some details about the private adoption: Our friends from church adopted through this agency and recieved an email last week asking if they knew of any families who were interested in adopting a special needs newborn immediately. On Monday I spoke to the agency and found out we may not be eligible for her because sometimes Foster agencies and adoption agencies don't play nicely with each other and won't share homestudies or allow foster parents to keep their kids while they pursue private adoption. Monday Morning we spoke to our foster care homefinder who was very supportive and sent over all our info and homestudy to them. Then Wednesday we got news that the Baby might be placed in Foster care in her own county instead of being adopted. Then yesterday we found out she will be placed for adoption and we are being considered for her. We will speak to our agency on Monday and Baby's medical team on Tuesday. We'll know then how this proceeds. She was born prematurely in January and still has not reached her due date. She's already had one heart surgery and will need 2 more after we bring her home. We were in no way pursuing private adoption, but we are so glad it dropped in our laps. This adoption could still fail, although things look really good for us right now.

9:00pm- Brandon got home from work, peeked in on our new son, and we toasted to our very exciting future. You know, just another day...

1 Year- 100th Post GIVEAWAY!!!

2012-02-01T02:00:00.101-05:00

I started this blog on February 1, 2011. We were preparing ourselves and Babies 2 & 3 to return home in a few weeks. I was feeling very alone and found myself talking about Foster Care a lot- mostly to people who weren't interested. My husband and I started this blog to create a place where we could air our emotions without isolating our social circle. Then I got really into it, and hubby has had nothing to do with the blog since he said, "I think you should make the title blue".

This year has brought SO many changes. I've experienced every emotion possible- joy, devastation, intense love, deep pain, excitement, fear, pride, and everything in between. We said goodbye, and hello, and had some really cute temporary house guests. I've spent more time at the Children's hospital this year than I ever hope to again (except tomorrow when we check in for Baby 4's decannulation).

The blog took some time to catch on, but when it did I found a strong and beautiful little community of foster bloggers who get what it's like to be on this crazy road. I'm so very grateful for everyone who reads this blog and has supported us this year. Your prayers are so valuable and your kind words have brought me through.

To show my appreciation AND to celebrate Foster Care: Our Love Story 's 100th post- I am giving away my favorite children's books about Foster Care:

Maybe Days A Book for Children in Foster Care by: Jennifer Wilgocki and Marcia Kahn Wright is by far my favorite of all these books. It's a little lengthy for little ones, but it accurately describes what job everyone in Foster Care does. The last page is priceless, "A kid's job is always to be a kid."

The Star A story to help young children understand foster care by: Cynthia Miller Lovell is Baby 4's favorite book about Foster Care. He asks for it all the time and loves the page with all the feelings faces. This book follows a little girl from remval through her first homevisit with her caseworker and stresses that Foster Care placement is never the child's fault and they are not alone.

Murphy's Three Homes a story for children in foster care by Jan Levinson Gilman - this book addresses our kids' natural tendency to assume their moves after placement into foster care are their fault. In this book, Murphy learns he's not a "bad luck dog" and he gets a family who treats him well even when he's naughty.

My Foster Family a story for children entering Foster Care by Jennifer Levine - This is a great tool for the 4-8yr old who is new to your house. It's a simple story told from the child's perspective about all the emotions felt when meeting a new foster family and biovisits. It's also a coloring book, which makes going through the story less intimidating for the child since they have something to do while you read.

Families Change A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (Kids Are Important Series) by Julie Nelson While the title says it's for TPR cases, I think this book is stellar for any child who has moved from biofamily into placements. It normalizes change and gives kids permission to accept that change. This is by far the best book of the bunch as far as illustrations. There are so many different ethnicities represented that it would be hard for a child not to find a picture that they can relate to.

Here's how it works:

1) Become a follower of Foster Care: Our Love Story by hitting the button on the left side of our home page

2) Leave a comment on this post

3) Check back in one week - February 8, 2012 for the Announcement of our WINNER

Good Luck!!!

Celebrate Good Times!

2012-01-30T19:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a great day. Literally the best day I've had in a long time. Today is Baby 4's actual birthday, but we had his party yesterday. This was the first kid party I've planned where the kid actually knew what was happening. He got to pick his theme- Spiderman, and he had input in the guest list. He has been so excited for his birthday. He told my Mom that he can go snowboarding now that he's 5yrs old.

He picked out the goodies for our favor bags

Spiderman all the way

Party Box of Fun

Of course, there were presents

And a special birthday shirt

We headed to our favorite play center

and had some cake

Oh yea, Baby 2 and 3 came too!!!!

The party lasted about 4 hours. I kissed my boys as many times as they would let me. I checked with Baby 2, who said he would run away to Mexico with me if I bought him a sombrero. So if you don't hear from me...

Baby 4's biofamily came and it was very pleasant. There were a couple of times I could have gotten huffy- when people were added to the guest list or when I bought a new car seat to accommodate all the people I picked up and drove to the party. In the end though, they were grateful to be able to see 4 on his big day, and it only strengthens their trust in me and my intentions for Baby 4.

Happy Birthday Baby 4!!

I Could NEVER Let Them Go!

2012-01-28T19:30:00.003-05:00

I will venture to say that every single foster parent has heard something to the affect of, "I would never be able to give a baby back". I'd like to tip my hat to Mama Foster and this post about comments like that. She says it way better than I could.

Basically, we (Me, my husband, or foster parents in general) could NEVER let a baby that we love go either. We fall instantly in love with them. We get way too attached. Our hearts break with every injustice. But what are we to do? Not help a child who has no home because it will hurt us when they leave? Are we supposed to let these kids go people who can remain distant and not invest their whole selves into these babies? Obviously, No.

Here's the practical guide we follow when giving up our children:

Step 1- Ya put on your Big Girl Panties, because the judge just said "Immediately" and you have no say in the matter.

Step 2- Pack up 6 cans of formula, Gerber puffs, Baby apples, teething toys, blankets, bottles, and 4 binkies.
If you're not going to be with this kid, you best make sure they have what they need.

Step 3- Take in as much of that smile as humanly possible.
Don't you love the boogie nose?! Gross!

Step 4- You do a load of laundry
(or 3, 'cause Lord knows I'm always behind in the laundry race)

Step 5- Do one final keepsake and take LOTS of pictures

Step 6- When Baby is sleeping, and you have a few minutes to get everything together, cry as loud and ugly as humanly possible. Don't forget to back the Medicaid card and diaper rash cream!!

Step 7- At this point there are no more tears. You go numb and take the longest drive ever.
You've already held your baby for the last time.

The handoff was what I expected. We pulled up next to Dad's car. Brandon carried the boxes and I opened the door to our van so Dad could pick up Baby 5. Dad thanked us for taking care of his son. He said it takes special people to do what we do. Baby got mad that he was woken up during the vehicle switch and he looked right at me and cried as Dad walked away with him. I was very upset by that little face that screamed how he needed his binkie and a few taps on the butt to feel better. When we got back into the van, Brandon said Dad had yelled from his car, "Keep in touch!", but I didn't hear it. Maybe I'll text him in a week to see how things are going, although it's not like he would tell me if everything was falling apart.

I'm a little bit of a wreck over the whole ordeal. I haven't changes the sheets on the crib yet, but I made Brandon take the bassinet he used to nap in out of the living room. We put away our infant carseat. My house doesn't smell like baby lotion and formula anymore. Saying Goodbye is hard, and I hate it.

I get way too attached to my kids. I would never be able to let them go! Except, I do. I manage to get through it. I feel every bit of pain. I grieve. I cry.

And I'll do it again because it's completely worth it.

It's been a terrible week

2012-01-28T08:47:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to write about this week since Wednesday, but nothing I can say about it is coherent enough to post. Court, BioMoms, Victim Impact Statement, Custody petitions, Article 10 case, Article 6 case, Children's Motrin, Plea agreement - That's what I've written about.

I went to a criminal court proceeding for the first time on Wednesday. Most of the time the neglect/abuse allegations that caused kids to be placed in Foster Care are handled solely in Family court. Sometimes the act is so severe, that not just CPS, but the police get involved and press charges in Criminal court as well. I went to what was supposed to be the sentencing of a parent who did something so terrible that the law allows the judge to sentence 5-15 years as punishment. On top of that, there were 5 other charges that had nothing to do with hurting a child, but each of those held a possible 2-10yr sentence. "Justice" was served and this person admitted guilt to all 6 accusations and was given 8 years in jail for their actions. I was sick. The police investigator was mad. CPS was shocked they got any time at all (since most severe abuse cases only get probation). The perpetrator was completely unreadable- flat affect, no emotion. I hope and pray I never have to sit through something like that again, except I will have to- next week.

The sentencing did not become final last week because no one had been given the opportunity to write a Victim Impact Statement to the judge. Basically, that's a letter to the court explaining how the crime in question has effected the life of the victim after the initial trauma. In this particular case, I am the one who would be writing this letter. The assistant district attorney told me about it like 5 minutes before we walked into court, so I wasn't ready this week. They want to have it on file, though, because it effects future requests for early prison release and parole. So next week I will bring this letter to court and read it to the judge in front of the person who has plead guilty to an act that requires a particular kind of evil that is thankfully very rare. The thought of that gives me hives. These are the things you don't think about when you sign up for Foster Care. You think you are going to be soothing crying babies and dealing with a 6 yr old's temper tantrums- you never think you'll be facing the person who hurt a child and literally being that child's voice to a judge. It's an overwhelming responsibility.

While I was at criminal court, one of my kids had a visit. I keep a notebook in both my kids' visit bags and I write a little update every visit so the parents stay informed about what the child is up to, when appts are, etc. I get home from court, open the notebook, and read, "We have a problem". Oh good, because exactly what I need right now is a problem. The rest of the note explains that I need to have the child always travel with gas drops, Children's Motrin, and baby wipes. The child needed all these things at the (one hour) visit and I didn't provide them. The note said, "I know the state pays you to take care of ---- so you can buy these things". Yes, I can buy these things. As a matter of fact, I have all of these things in my home right now. I am not, however, sending medicine to a visit with a healthy child so you can dose him up without me knowing what he's taken. I called the caseworker, who is going to take care of responding to that note for me, and she agrees that no medicine should travel with the child to the visits unless necessary. Then I looked in the bag, because I always send wipes, and sure enough, there was a full travel case of wipes in the bag

Next on my agenda for the week of horror was to find out from Baby 5's caseworker what she expected from our family court appearance on Thursday. The way I heard it last time we were in court, Jan 26th was the day the judge planned to order Baby 5 home to his Dad. Since then, though, I had heard some concern about this from the law guardian. Also, the county never moved from day visits to overnight visits, even though that's usually what happens when a child is being sent home. The 3 kids we've had leave were having 3 day, 2 night visits with their parent before they were sent home. Baby 5 has never slept anywhere but here. He's only seen his Dad 8 times in his whole life- which is not Dad's fault, it's the county's. Dad came to every visit that was scheduled. Anyway, I called the caseworker and she said that she thought there would be an adjournment on Thursday and that we would go back to court one more time before Baby 5 would be moved. I said, "Should I have him packed?". She said No.

We went to court and there were 2 things to be settled- the CPS case and custody case. As expected, the custody hearing was adjourned until March. What was unexpected is the Judge said that Dad is the preferred placement over any other (us), and Baby should be placed with him, "Immediately" under the CPS case. "Immediately"- had I brought 5 to court that day, I would have literally handed him to Dad right there.

I heard it and started the internal mantra, Don't puke in court. Don't puke in court. I was just holding myself together when the county lawyer says to the judge, "Foster Mother is in the court right now." Ugh! really?! The judge asked me to stand and state my name for the record, which I did. She thanked me for my service and asked me if I was prepared to transition baby today.

My head was spinning- He's not packed, 4 is at school, Brandon's at work, you ordered him home immediately? They won't get to say goodbye! I managed a head nod and "Yes", although it must have looked pained because Dad spoke up as I opened my mouth.

He said, "I don't want to just rip him away from her. We can wait a few days." There was some banter that I didn't quite listen to because I was figuring out if it was OK for me to sit back down or keep standing in case the judge speaks to me again. In the end it was decided 1) that I could sit down 2) that Baby would be physically returned to Dad on Saturday. I owe Dad for those 2 extra days.

As we left the courtroom, I smiled and said to Dad, "That was great. I'm so happy for you!". I really am happy for him, but sad for us. Then Mom came out. She was hysterical. She wanted Baby 5 to stay with us because that meant she had the chance to get him back. She yelled at the caseworker and collapsed in my arms. She sobbed while I held her and said the most comforting and helpful words I could think of. She apologized for not being able to keep 5 with us. I told her not to be sad for us. We are happy for the time we've had with 5. She walked me to my car and told me she wants us to get another baby. I think the exact phrasing was "Put in an order for a new baby". As ridiculous as the entire day was, it's oddly comforting to know that the woman who's baby was taken from her and placed with me thinks we're good enough to take care of him. I don't know that I'd ever be OK with another woman raising my baby.

So I went home and let everybody know what was going on. It was all very business-like. I called my homefinder. We talked about being open for new placements. I got the baby's laundry together. I used up all the WIC checks we had for this month so he would have formula until his Dad could get WIC transferred to his name. I refilled all Baby's prescriptions so Dad wouldn't have to worry about that until next month. I didn't cry once even though I knew this was a sad thing.

Then last night Baby 5 started fussing. He's had a runny nose for a while that never quite turned into a cold, but is still really annoying. He screams when we clean his nose, but a quick funny face and some peek a boo quickly remedies that. His other current favorite thing is the Oompa Loompa song from Willy Wonka- well, kind of. I don't know most of the words, so Baby 5 is accustomed to my unique rendition. When I got him to stop crying so quickly after blowing his nose, I lost it. I asked a huge favor from my 6 month old. I begged him to be happy at his new house. I held him and asked him to let them calm him down when he's upset. I asked him to be OK with whatever they do to get him to sleep. Please laugh when they play with you, and snuggle when they hold you. Please don't miss the way we do things here.

That's a tall order for a baby. I hate that he has to do any of that.

Baby 5 has been our shortest placement so far- 5 months and 1 week. I love him so much it hurts. I am going to be crushed today when we take him to the county line, put his stuff in his Dad's car and watch them drive away. This is not the kind of set up where there is any hope we'll stay in contact after he leaves. Dad has been very nice to us, but that's just not going to happen, and they live so far away that it's not like we'll bump into them at the grocery store or anything. Today is the last time I will ever hold my baby, and it's awful.

It's been a terrible week.

Kindergarten, Decannulation, and Permanency

2012-01-13T22:02:00.001-05:00

I got a Kindergarten registration packet in the mail this week from our school district. Baby 4 will be officially school-aged in September and it's freaking me out!! He's only been my baby for 1 year and now I'm sending him off to real school. Even though he goes to preschool every afternoon, all day kindergarten feel so much different- so grown up. I never planned to send my kids to school. I decided to homeschool a long time ago for several different reasons. You can't homeschool kids in care. You can pay out of pocket for private school or use public school. Baby 4 has to be registered for Kindergarten by March 2nd, so our decision has to be made soon.

Source

Private school doesn't solve the fundamental problems I have with school:

Trusting a stranger with a large portion of your child's life
Lack of time management -3hr homeschool day vs.6hr traditional school day for the same amount of work
Indoctrination of beliefs contrary to our own- because even other Christians can believe differently than we do
The idea that in a room of 28 kids and 1 adult, my child will learn from the adult
Inability of schools to use the child's natural pace, talents, and style to make learning effective.

Did someone lose their soapbox? I seem to be standing on one.

Private school does seem to be the lesser of 2 evils though. It would be an easier decision if I knew 4 would be with us- or even in our city- through the end of the school year. That way I would pay for the school year and know he'd be attending no matter what. I wouldn't handle it well if I lost Baby 4 and $4,000 in tuition all in the same day. On the same token, what if he stays and I put him in public school and hate it? hmmm..... moving on!

Baby 4's surgeon has scheduled decannulation for next month. That means they will take out 4's trach and watch him overnight to make sure he is breathing well on his own. They literally pull the trach out and slap a bandaid over the stoma (hole in his neck) and it will close up very quickly. This is GREAT news because having the trach out will open up so many doors for Baby 4. Swimming, sandboxes, uninterrupted nights of sleeping with no machines, no more surgeries every 6 weeks, and his medical needs will to need to be considered when choosing a school. This is huge since only a few schools- public or private in our district have full time nurses on site. This is also very DISTRESSING because we've been through this before. 4 was decannulated and sent home- where he was fine for 2 weeks- only to be rushed to the hospital in respiratory distress. There is no guarantee from the Dr that this won't happen again. They think 4 has been stable long enough to guess this time will stick, but we don't know until it's done. If he can not remain decannulated- the trach will be surgically replaced, it will be stitched in for one week while 4 is bed bound in the PICU, then we'll continue the surgeries like we've been doing. If the decannulation is successful, there is a more likely chance that DHS will recommend sending Baby 4 out of state to his relative resource.

Source

The last time Relative Resource and her petition for custody were really addressed in court was back in November. She came up here and went to court expecting to leave with Baby 4. The county told the judge that having 4 travel would while the trach is in would be too risky for his health. The judge agreed and put the custody petition on hold.

We had court this week and while nothing happened, everything happened. Does that make sense? Nothing happened as far as Baby 4's placement with us, visitation, or the charges against the parent. Everything happened including Mom being offered and considering surrendering her parental rights, Dad maintaining that he would like to parent his son, and Relative Resource refusing to become foster trained and certified like the county recommended, and RR refused to withdraw her custody petition after being advised by her attorney to do so. RR's attorney told 4's attorney that he thought her petition "was going nowhere".

Did I mention RR teleconferenced into court FROM HER HOSPITAL ROOM?! I'm torn about whether or not health issues should be held against her. It's not something she can completely control and even I could get sick and be hospitalized, yet what would happen if she gets sick when she has 4? She is a single working woman with no family down south- they all live up here. Her being hospitalized for 3 days like she was this time would definitely put 4 at risk.

Baby 4's attorney made the court aware of the plan for Baby 4's medical treatment and we discussed how nothing was going to happen in the case yet. Then we set another court date for February where I suspect nothing will happen again. 4's attorney told me that we need the judge to decide bout the custody petition before 4's trach is out permanently if we want him to stay with us. Unfortunately, that is scheduled for Feb 2nd, so there is not a lot of time to make that happen. As far as I know, there are no plans for RR to come back up here any time soon and I would hope she needs to be present to be granted custody of my Baby.

Source

March 28th marks one year of Baby 4 being with us. Supposedly that gives us some leverage when the judge is making decisions about his permanency. I've heard that after 1yr. foster parents are considered equal to blood relatives. If that is true, the "A" word is pretty likely, especially if Mom surrenders her parental rights.

Kindergarten, decannulation, and permanency are all very important milestones in 4's life. They are all coming up very quickly. They are all completely up in the air.

Question and Answer Time

2012-01-12T17:28:00.001-05:00

Hi. My name is Teresa and I am a comment addict.

"Hi, Teresa."

For real, I get so excited when I see that someone has left a comment on here. It's surreal that anyone is interested in our story at all. I really appreciate your feedback. This week I've gotten some questions that I'd like to answer here:

The first is from Mitzy on the post Prepping Our House For Foster Care

"You mention in this post that you send your foster children home with full wardrobe for a full year. I would love to hear more about how you make that happens."

I have a couple of tips to building a wardrobe for your kids: The first is to look for used clothes lots on Craigslist, Ebay, and garage sales. When Baby 2 came to me he was wearing size 18months, I found a boys clothing lot on Craigslist that contained 200+ pieces of 18mo-4T clothes in the right seasons for $120. I offered $80 and had a great base to work with. By the time he left a year later, he was in 3T clothes and Baby 3 was in 12-18month clothes so that $80 was completely worth it. I did the same thing for Baby 4 when he arrived. I won an Ebay auction for $17.50 plus $10 shipping for a 4T lot that included 40 pieces- PJ's, Tshirts, several pairs of pants, a couple pairs of shorts, and a bathing suit. From there, I shop off season. For instance, on Sunday I went to the Carter's store and they had all their winter stuff 70% off. I was picking up 3 piece outfits for $6 and PJ's/Rompers for $3.99! I bought size 5 stuff for Baby 4, who is currently wearing size 4, and 18month clothes for Baby 5 who is in 6-9month clothes now. Walmart is great for this kind of shopping- their end of season clearance items often get marked down to $1.50, and I've gotten shoes for $3 several times. They have a line of inexpensive clothes called Garanimals that even at full price runs $3.50-$5.00 per piece and they are designed to mix and match. I like to get creative with clothes as the seasons change. If I find $1 short sleeve shirts in September, I'll layer them over long sleeved onsies and extend the life of baby's wardrobe. I've brought home 3 children in the month of March- when it's still cold here but Spring is quickly approaching. Instead of buying a winter coat for now, I buy a spring jacket and a zip up hoodie to wear together, and a clearance coat one size bigger for the end of the year. Lastly, I ere on the bigger side when trying to predict what size my kids will be in down the road- you can always roll up pant legs and sleeves, and a lot of kids pants come with adjustable waists now. This answer wouldn't be complete without acknowledging that I have a great church family and the best friends who have given us clothes for every child we've had, and for that I am beyond grateful.

A seasoned foster Mom told me to never send new clothes with tags home with a child. Always cut the tags off and wash the clothes so that they can not be returned or easily sold. I do the same with cans of formula that get sent to visits- always open it first, even if I send it full. That way it's more likely to be used for the child you sent it with.

Question 2 is from Mama P on I'm Back!

"If the clothes went missing, what did he wear home?"

The mysterious case of the missing clothes turned into such a debacle, there is not enough blog time to even tell you. For this visit, I sent 5 in a long sleeved onesie, sweater vest, jeans, and sneakers. He had another long sleeved onsie and another pair of jeans in his bag. All of the clothes were size 6-9mo. He came home in a white short sleeved onesie (0-3mo), a windbreaker jacket (12mo) and blue cotton pants (3mo) that were brought by the parent. The parent also sent home a bag full of 0-3months clothes, but the clothes he was wearing and the extra outfit were gone. I never thought that the clothes were stolen or intentionally left out of the bag. I'm just confused how they went missing when there is a supervising caseworker in one room with one parent and one infant. I spoke to the visitation worker who explained to me that the visits get very chaotic when it's time to get baby packed up and say goodbye. Often it's the worker who has to gather all baby's belongings and put them back in the bag and strap baby in his seat, and tend to the parent's emotions. The visitation worker mentioned that none of the clothes I send are labeled, so doing that might help. I agreed to label the clothes, but I'm not really sure how that will help because they are in a room with a couch, some toys, and a highchair- it's not like the clothes got mixed into someone else's. I mentioned this to 5's case manager who emailed the visitation worker. Case manager told visitation worker to be aware that incidents like this have happened in visita with 5's siblings. Her response? The Foster Mom sends baby to visits in a coat that is too small. You should talk to her about that. What?!?! The case manager came to our house this week for a homevisit and I showed her the coat, which fits just fine. I'm resigned to avoid this visitation worker and not talk about 5's clothes and visits any more. I'm so over it!

Lastly, another question on I'm Back! was asked by Rachael:

"Seconding what Mitzy said about being happy you're back, and not happy about the threatening! How in the world did you resolve that situation??"

I will never stop saying good things about how my agency handled this situation. They were VERY understanding and agreed to change the visitation schedule and location to be sure this person would never be able to get in contact with 5's family. I made the police aware of the situation and they advised me to file a report for harassment if something like this happens again. I also deleted the option on the blog to have my new posts emailed to subscribers because I'm pretty sure this person kept up to date on the blog through that feature. As far as resolving this conflict in my own head- I had to stop being a victim. I'm prepared if this escalates, and if this is the end- I've lost someone who was willing to inflict the greatest hurt possible on me, but I still have my kids and the opportunity to treat them better than I've been treated.

Are there any other questions you would like me to answer? Please leave a comment!

Adoption Tax Credit

2012-01-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

There is a tax credit available for people who adopt. It is intended to offset the cost of traditional adoption and provide incentive for perspective parents to adopt special needs children from Foster Care.

When adopting from foster care, almost all of our kids qualify as "special needs". Some of the qualifications for that are sibling groups, minority children, a child that has been in care over 1yr, or children with medical or developmental disabilities. If you adopt a special needs child, you are eligible for the entire adoption tax credit.

In years past, this credit could be used against your income tax. So you would get a bigger return, but the benefit was linked to your income and how much you pay in taxes. So for Middle class families, it could take years before you saw the full benefit of the tax credit. If you were a Grandma on Social Security who adopted 3 of your Grandbabies, you would never see this money because you don't owe taxes.

In 2010, however, President Obama signed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act which had some small print that made this Adoption Tax Credit a refund. This means that for every child adopted from foster care through 2011, their adoptive parents would a receive a $13,170 check regardless of their income or taxes owed. This was great news for people who got to adopt in these past 2 yrs. Granny gets the money she needs to move to a bigger apartment or start college fund for her kids.

Unfortunately, this refundable credit went away on December 31, 2011.

The plan for people adopting in 2012 is that you can get credit up to $12,170 for each adoption against your income tax. However, the remaining amount can not be used in following years. You'll get a bigger tax return for this year, but not the check for the credit amount and there is no benefit beyond 2012.

In 2013, the Adoption Tax Credit goes away all together.

There is a petition going around to try to get the Tax Credit extended. I signed it, and I hope you will too. The financial incentive shouldn't be the reason people adopt, but hopefully it helps keep siblings together or keep higher needs kids in stable homes.

Click here to sign the Adoption Tax Credit Petition

This is a form letter you can send to your State representative

I'm Back!

2012-01-06T20:39:00.000-05:00

I missed missed my bloggy world for the couple weeks I was gone. Things have been TENSE around here, let me tell you! I shut down the blog for a while after I received a threat (delivered to my doorstep) that my blog had been printed out and would be distributed to 5's biofamily. That would at least result in a conversation with my agency about my blogging and at most cause my kids to get moved. I believe the threat (which was actually attempted, but unsuccessfully) was intended to cause the latter. So I shut down this site and my facebook until things calmed down. I was sad about it too. I really love you all.

A very special Thank You goes out to Mitzy at Inside The Parent Trap . She wrote a very nice post wishing me well and it made my day. Mitzy, Blogger doesn't let me comment on your blog!! I get an error message about a long running script that I'm not savvy enough to understand, but I read your posts and love checking in on the goings on of your journey!

Foster Care did not take a holiday for us this season! We had surgery for Baby 4 two days before Christmas, court this week for Baby 4, and an increase in visits for both boys. I investigated the mysterious case of the missing clothes after Baby 5's visits last week- turns out that even with a caseworker sitting in the room supervising, the clothes that baby is wearing (including shoes) and the spare outfit in the diaper bag can get up and walk out all by themselves. Yesterday we got a Hallelujah call for "a baby with a seizure disorder who needs close supervision and medication". I very quickly said yes, then found out an hour later that the baby is "4yrs old and needs medication administered rectally during his seizures". So there is no Baby 6. Medicaid sent me a letter letting me know Baby 4 has been to the Dr. 18 times since coming into care, and so he isn't eligible for anymore Dr. appts until April. He is only covered for emergency services. Yeah, that won't work since we're planning another surgery for February. This will end with Medicaid extending 4's coverage after I spend way too much time calling way too many people and probably crying once or twice. Happy Foster Care!!

Coming up for us is court for Baby 4 on Monday, court for Baby 5 in two weeks, and then the probable return home of Baby 5. Baby 4 is turning 5yrs old at the end of the month and I reserved the indoor play center we love for his party. Later that week, we are planning to have him admitted to the hospital to have his trach removed!!! If that is successful, he'll be a completely typical kid with no special medical needs!!!

I started up my New Years "get fit" tradition the day after Christmas. I stopped calling it a resolution last year :) I broke out my hand weights and indoor walking DVD just as Baby 5 decided that he needs to be held around the clock. Baby 4 likes to sit on the couch for a half hour every morning and laugh at me doing aerobics while holding a squirmy 5 month old who screams if I put him down. The 16lbs of baby is doing nice things for my arm muscles though.

My main New Year's resolution is to stop trying to figure out the next stage of our story. I'm constantly thinking about "what ifs"- What if Baby 4 leaves? What if Babies 2 & 3 come back? What if we get a call for an adoptive placement? What if we never adopt and do just foster care forever? What if I get pregnant? This constant internal dialogue is exhausting and useless. What is coming next will happen whether or not I worry about or predict it. This year, I'm going to enjoy where we are right now. I love my boys and our situation is tolerable right now- no matter what happens next.

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

2011-12-21T21:10:00.004-05:00

The Good

I visited Baby 2 & 3 today!! I got to see them and give them presents. It was only 10 min or so and they don't remember me, but I got high fives and big smiles. Not that I needed reminding, but those boys are a part of me. I'm connected to them so deep even though it's nearly a year we've been separated. It was the best Christmas gift I could have asked for- 10 minutes with my babies.

Baby 4 is having surgery tomorrow- his 6th since he's been with us. Surgery has always been scheduled for around 6am, but tomorrow he doesn't go in until 11:45. Since he can't eat after midnight, I would like him to sleep in tomorrow as long as possible. So we stayed up late and watched A Home For The Holidays on TV together. The Dave Thomas Foundation puts this special on every year to feature families who have adopted from Foster Care and spotlight waiting children. I told 4 it was about families like ours. The kids weren't safe in their 1st house, so they went to live with a new family. We talked very briefly about adoption where I explained that in foster care, the Mommy and Daddy are working really hard to make their house safe so the kids can go back. In adoption, the kids never move back; they stay with their new family forever. Baby 4 said, "Well, I'm staying forever.". It would have been the cutest moment ever if the next part hadn't happened. Not even 30 seconds after he professed his intention to stay with us forever, 4 informed me that he would like to "adopted Justin Beaver forever, but I'll miss you". Well, there you go!

The Bad

I'm exhausted. That pretty much covers it. Dr's, therapists, and caseworkers all want to get their visits in this week because most take vacation next week. Appointment after appointment round here.

The Ugly

I feel like I owe you the real truth about foster care and the impact it's had on us. Here's the ugly truth: Even the strongest support doesn't ensure foster care won't tear your family in two.

This week, in light of Baby 4's recent behaviors and ongoing teaching and re-teaching appropriate social skills, my extended family turned on me. I heard about how lenient I am- "letting" Baby 4 be disrespectful and bringing embarrassment on myself and this family member. Then I heard from the other side how I'm way too hard on 4- "He's just being a boy" and I need to give him more slack. After several heated arguments where I chose my son over everything else important, I have been disowned by one of my parents while the other one has chosen to separate themselves from me until everything blows over. Apparently everyone else shares an opinion with one side or the other and we've been quite the conversation topic "ever since you got him".

NONE of these people know the dirty details of what 4 has been through. NONE of these people have experienced PTSD or chronic anxiety in themselves or their children. NONE of these people have parented a child who has suffered loss and trauma the way 4 has. NONE of these people has ever tried to parent someone else's 4 yr old. NONE of these people have researched trauma, loss, bonding, and attachment the way we have, and NONE of them have had to be around Baby 4 for longer than a couple of hours.

I am not the perfect parent. I don't have all (or even most) of the answers. I am the only one of us who stepped up to help a kid who needed a Mom, and I feel like if you could do it better then you should.

It was not even a choice worth thinking about to stand by Baby 4 over someone who shares my DNA but was willing to disband their whole family because they couldn't understand my parenting style. I choose my child. I choose to be the type of parent I wish I had- one who will NEVER leave. I will spend Christmas with my sons while some others may choose to spend Christmas alone. That's the ugly that foster care can bring out of people.

Hodgepodge Post

2011-12-19T10:33:00.001-05:00

I've been a neglectful blogger. Lots of foster stuff has been happening, and I feel like it's all I can do to come along for the ride. There's no way I'm going to produce something eloquently written or pleasant to read, so I thought I'd just mash up a bunch of updates in one messy post and let you sift through at your own risk.

We had court for baby 5 last week and there were no changes made to his situation. This means he will definitely be with us for Christmas through January 26th- when we go back to court.

In court, the county recommended that his parents do a program with him that is supposed to support bonding and attachment. Since his primary bond is with us right now and the plan is still to move him very soon, this program would have benefited him greatly. After some banter between lawyers, the judge asked the baby's attorney what she thought and she said she was OK with the parent not taking the program. I was furious, but it got worse from there

After court I flagged the attorney for the child down and asked her for an appt where she could meet Baby 5- her client. Her response? "Oh, I don't think I can do that." What?! You are supposed to see the child you are representing. She went on to tell me that she has already met him and has notes from that meeting. No. See, he's an infant who never leaves my side- so it would be impossible for me to miss a meeting between him and his lawyer. I double checked with the caseworker just to make sure no meetings occurred at visits. The law guardian has never seen this baby. she has no idea what his temperament or special needs are- she has no idea ho visits are going and she fabricates meeting notes. Next month she'll go to court and advocate for what she believes is his best interest without knowing anything about him. I literally had to write down my contact info for her and walk away before I turned ugly. We'll see if she calls me.

Baby 4 has started some out of control behavior in the past week or so. He got hit in the eye by a boy at school because 4 threw a book at him. Then he was completely rude and uncooperative at a Christmas activity with his therapist. The next day I caught him trowing a teddy bear at Baby 5's head. Whether its all the talk of Christmas, his upcoming surgery, or baby's return home- he's spinning downward and I'm losing patience.

Good Moms probably don't make faces behind the back of their preschoolers. Noted.

I probably need to take respite, but there is so much at stake. Whatever good behavior 4 is showing now could regress if I place him in respite. I would have to move 3 machines and 5 medications to a respite home and make sure they are comfortable with his medical needs and then turn around and bring all of that back home and get it set up again- which is exhausting to even think about. Baby 4 has lived in five different homes in his 4 yrs of life. Moving and having different caregivers is normal to him- a "normal" that I am trying to break. I want him to feel secure in his place here, and respite seems to negate that.

Baby 4's birthday is next month and I'm getting excited about his party!!! Naughty or not- he deserves to celebrate big after all he's been through this past year. He was injured only 7days after his 4th birthday and then placed with me after leaving the hospital. Making it to 5yrs old took a strength I could never even hope to have myself.

After an issue that I don't even want to think about long enough to type it, I was told by my homefinder that I work so well with Bio parents and appear so confident, that my kids caseworkers often leave the brunt of problem solving on me when they would step in with other foster parents. Read: we punish you for being good.

Secret: I do not like extending myself to bios. It's inconvenient and threatening to my fragile ego. I do it because I'm convinced this is best for my kids and I would walk on hot coal for my kids if it was best for them. It's also what Jesus would do.

My Mom took Baby 4 to a live Nativity where he loudly announced that Dominic the Donkey brought Mary and Jesus to Bethlehem. Score 1 for proper religious training.

My 1st group of Fosterlings graduated from MAPP last week. We only had 3 select out over the 10 weeks. I loved training MAPP and can't wait to do it again in March.

Baby 4 LOVES his personalized video from Santa. It's free and adorable. Feliz Navidad!

I'm sure my will to write will come back soon and then you won't have to sort through bullet points to figure out what Foster Care looks like on Christmas week. Talk soon!

Damage Control

2011-12-03T11:30:00.001-05:00

The results from court yesterday were undeniably in my favor. Baby 5 is going to stay with us for the next 2 weeks until they can officially discuss visits with Dad and in what capacity he'll be involved in 5's custody and placement. Until then, the county offered 1 visit/week. Considering the caseworker told me to be ready to pack him on Thursday, this was a win for us.

But in my gut, I know this baby is going home. I know there is no legal reason to keep him away from his Father. I get so angry with the system for dragging it out like this. This Dad- who had nothing to do with the placement of his child in foster care- is going to come to court every 2 weeks, probably for months,until the judge is in the mood to reunite them. There is no caseplan for Dad to work- his background and home are cleared for Baby 5 to go to him and there are no mental health or drug concerns. I sympathize with this Dad and I'm frustrated that his family has to be more broken than necessary to fit the court's process.

A lot of what we do in Foster Care is about damage control. In MAPP we call it reducing trauma. What's going to happen is going to happen, but we can make wise decisions about how to go about these changes. Taking Baby 5 from us and sending him right to Dad with no visits would have been horrific no matter how great Dad is. Making a baby stay and bond even further with us for months knowing you're going to move him is wrong too. Doing a several visits from a few hours, to all day, to one overnight, to two overnights eases Dad into parenting and let's baby experience his new surroundings before he thrown into it permanently.

So when the caseworker said she would set up the first visit for next Saturday, I pressed her to set one up for this Saturday as well. And I advocated for lengthening the visit time a little every weekend to smooth the transition for my baby. This resulted in me having to transport today for baby's 1st visit with his Dad. Since Dad lives outside our county, we only bring baby to the county line and meet Dad in a Walmart parking lot, then he brings baby to his house. Next week, transportation will be set up from my house to the county line, so I won't have to drive him.

I'm always reinforcing with Baby 4 about having love instead of selfishness. When he shares (or refuses) I ask: "Is that love or selfish?" and we praise showing love because that makes Jesus happy. When I see selfishness in him, I work hard to squeeze it out. When he's asking for more toys every time we go to the store or whines about the snack I gave him, I immediately reduce the toys or snack he already has and we start from the beginning- "You are not getting anything new until you are appropriate with what you have.".

Now it's my turn to practice. Am I going to be really sad and see this transition for the loss it causes in my family? Am I going to wish and want one more week? Christmas? New Year? Or can I take this opportunity to shower this baby and his Dad with love and help them come together as quickly and seamlessly as possible? Because that makes Jesus happy.

I'm thankful that I got to meet and talk to Dad and I'm confident he loves his son. These next few weeks will be all about maintaining perspective as the love v. selfishness war wages in me. It's damage control for Baby 5 and in my own spirit.

The Talk

2011-12-02T07:57:00.000-05:00

Here's how it went last night before bed:

Me: Do you remember what kind of family we are?

Baby 4: Tell me

Me: We're a Fo-

Baby 4: Foster Family!

Me: That's right! Kids come to live with us when it's not safe at their house. We keep them safe while their parents work on making their house better. You came to live with us so that you didn't get sick or hurt at your house, remember?

Baby 4: Yes! (Insert details of his trauma)

Me: I know, I'm very sorry that happened. Baby 5 came to live with us because it wasn't safe at his house either and now we're a family. Do you know that your Mommy, Daddy, and Relative Resource are working very hard to make their houses safe so you can go there?

Baby 4: Why?

Me: Because they love you so much! Baby 5's Mommy and Daddy are working hard to make their house safe for him too. You are pretty lucky to have so many people who want you at their house. If baby 5 can go live with his Mommy and Daddy, will we still be family?

Baby 4: Yes

Me: Yes, we can still love each other even if we don't live in the same house.

Baby 4: Can you sing Jingle Rock?

Me: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock......

Court is this morning for Baby 5 and ,since I have no idea what's going to happen, it's really difficult to prep Baby 4. I hope I'm making it easier for him. We'll see in just a few hours.

Minutes - Days - Months - Forever

2011-12-01T15:11:00.004-05:00

Baby 5 is a little over 4 months old, but today was his 4 month Dr. appt. He is 80th percentile for height and 50th for weight and head. He's going to be a basketball player!! He got his shots and I cried- it's so sad to see your baby in pain!

We will have had Baby 5 for exactly 15 weeks tomorrow. He fits so nicely into our lives. It feels like he's been here forever. At the same time, I feel like he's been here for just a few moments, it's gone by so fast!

No matter what, I'm so happy that we met this little guy. Even with all the terrible truths about the foster care system- the poor choices, injustice, heartache, loss, anger- the simple fact that we get to love beautiful children and watch them grow makes it all worth it.

Teeny Tiny Baby Shoes!!!

Liebster Blog Award

2011-11-30T14:07:00.000-05:00

Liebster is a German word which means "dearest" or "beloved". It is also used to refer to as someone's "favorite" and the idea of the Liebster Blog Award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers that deserve more recognition and encouragement.

I was nominated by Jess over at My Notes On TTC and Life . She is a strong Christian woman who courageously shares her journey through fertility treatments

There are certain rules that come with the Liebster Blog Award
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you've sent the award to forward it on to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

I have so many favorite blogs, but the ones who stand out currently are:

Mama Foster - Mama Foster has been a huge support for me. She goes through some very difficult things with her children and their families, but maintains a Christ-like love that I admire greatly.

Cherub Mamma - Another Christian Foster Mom who has also been blessed through adoption! She has the experience of bringing new children into a family that already has kids. She also has a special needs child who requires a lot of extra advocating and patience. Cherub Mamma holds no punches when describing the difficulties and joys of Foster Care and reading her posts always gives me the extra oomph to hang in there with my own cases.

I Must Be Trippin' - Tammy is a single Foster Mom who has had the sweetest little ones placed with her. She maintains an excellent post-reunification relationship with one of her children, and reading about it inspires me to dig deeper with our bios. She's also hilarious and can joke about the frustrating things in Foster Care.

Read The Books, Make Up the Rest - Daphne and her husband are just beginning their story with their 1st placement of 2 boys! I love peeking into their excitement as they navigate Foster Care as newbies.

Inside the Parent Trap - Mitzy is also a new foster Mom with her fist placement of a baby boy! Mitzy has bio-teens as well, adding a little spin to her foster experience.

Thank you for the award Jess! and Congratulations to all the other Liebster Blog Award Nominees!!

Thankful

2011-11-24T16:18:00.001-05:00

They don't make sufficient words for how thankful I am

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever!" Psalms 107:1

Just Like That

2011-11-23T22:32:00.003-05:00

This is why sane people don't do Foster Care

Because on a Wednesday, as you are holding the most perfect baby ever made, a caseworker can call and tell you that the paternity results have come in and she wants to move baby as soon as possible to someone he has never seen before.

Just like that
You get up and plan your next couple of days: You are going to pretend to enjoy Thanksgiving- telling yourself that these last few moments are precious and not devastating. Then you are going to call this person- that has never held your child, but can come in after 4 months and take him away- and try to tell them that baby gets overstimulated easily, but if you let him go in just a diaper and walk around with him facing out he will calm down. He likes rocking, but not bouncing. He always needs a diaper change 10 minutes after bottle- even if you just changed him before feeding. He loves blowing kisses and funny faces. Black Friday won't be about finding great deals on toys, but on plastic totes for packing toys and clothes.

The agency is closed until Monday, so you have to call your caseworker now.

She asks, "How do you feel about all of this?"

You don't want to cry on the phone with the person you'll be begging for a baby from in a couple of weeks. So you say, "I expected this, but saying goodbye is never easy."

The honest truth is that doing foster care is THE most painful thing someone can do. You have to fully invest yourself in a child. Be their parent- defend that role viciously- and root for someone else who wants to tear them away from you. You know it'll hurt you if they leave. You know it'll hurt them either way. How am I feeling about all of this?! I'm feeling broken to pieces.

This is why sane people don't do Foster Care

Because on a Wednesday, as you are taking inventory of little jars of veggies and cans of formula that you'll have to pack soon, a caseworker can call you and tell you that Dad refused to visit with Baby and anything could happen next week at court.

Just like that
You settle a little bit. Someone who doesn't even want to see their child surely won't get custody, right?

Then you get mad. How could ANYONE say no to this perfect baby?!

Sad again- The system fails all the time, and your son could still be sent to live with someone who has never seen him and refused to visit. The judge may never even hear about that anyway.

I'm not sane.

Baby 5 could be sent to his Dad as early as next Friday when we have court. Or Dad could skip court and 5 can stay with us through the end of the year. Or the judge could be distracted by the Christmas season and adjourn our case again until January. Or she could insist visits happen first.
On December 2nd at 9:30 (probably more like 11:45) a judge will decide how our story goes.

Just like that

This is why sane people don't do Foster Care

20 Year Old Me

2011-11-21T21:50:00.001-05:00

I took some time today to read through my journal from 2006. I was 20yrs old, married 1yr, working my 1st real job teaching preschool, and just becoming aware of our fertility issues. Ironically, I was also becoming acutely conscious of Foster Care, but never thought it would touch my family so directly.

5 years ago this month I wrote:
"Found out that the parents of 2 boys we have at school died in an accident today. The police had to come to school and tell the boys. They were foster parents and the brothers were taken to a new foster home from school. It makes everything I go through seem so trivial"

"I took a pregnancy test today."

"I took a pregnancy test today."

"Maybe God is just waiting to bless us with a baby and we won't have fertility issues forever"

"I took a pregnancy test today." - Yep- I'm a home pregnancy test addict, 2yrs sober :)

"Went to the wake for Mr. and Mrs. Foster Parent. I found out they wanted to adopt the boys but never got to. They set up a fund for them to go to college and all the gifts and donations that come in are going to be for the boys. They changed these kids lives even after they died. It's so sad."

I had no idea what Brandon and I were really getting ready for. All the frustration and sadness brought us to a place where we could take the direction to switch paths. God wasn't waiting to bless us with A baby, but several babies. I've never carried a child in my body, but I've birthed a legacy bigger than any dream I ever had. We went from a world filled with doubt and disappointment to a world of hope and purpose. I never thought for a second I could help a child who needed a Mom. I was willing to settle for normal and expected. It never crossed my mind that ordinary people can affect extraordinary change.

20 year old me was really innocent and genuine. If I could go back and talk to her. I'd say, "Hang on, it keeps getting better from here. Oh, and you'll save enough money to take a lavish vacation if you stop buying $12 pregnancy tests twice per week.". I wouldn't change a single experience, even the negative ones, because I needed to learn how to heal after loss and deal with disappointment. I needed to long for a dream to make me thankful for the blessings that I have. Even though my intentions were good 5 yrs ago, if I would have gotten what I wanted I would have missed everything that I cherish today.

These past five years went by so fast and ,WOW, did they bring a lot of change. The decision to post this was really rooted in reminding myself how fast life moves and to trust the process. Today's pain and frustration may just become tomorrow's great treasures. I appreciate 20 year old me for learning all the hard stuff, and writing really funny journal entries that were intended to be "deep".

Long Story Short:

2011-11-17T15:30:00.001-05:00

Baby 4 is staying safely where he is until May.

We waited 3 hrs in the lobby before being called in for court. I sat with everyone who was there for the hearing. We were the most awkward little group, but we made great small talk about stuffed peppers and school pictures. It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected.

The actual time spent in court was around 20min. The county proposed keeping our goal of return to parent and the attorney's of 4's parents agreed to that. That basically extended the county's custody of him for another 6 months while his parents work on their case plans.

Foster Care Fun Fact- Parents who are incarcerated or otherwise detained (like mental health institutions) for extended periods of time are still expected to work a case plan and get their kids out of foster care within 15 months before termination. So being in prison for the next 20 years is not a reason for the county to stop working with you to get your child back.

After that was settled, the judge asked if anyone wanted to be heard about the relative resource situation. RR's lawyer said they wanted him placed with her. The county said that would be detrimental to his well being because of all his medical needs. The judge said she agreed with the county and we will come back in May to see if Baby 4's stay in care needs to be extended again.

We had our last Relative Resource visit today and she will be leaving on Monday. She called me "Mommy" to Baby 4, which took me off guard. She also didn't bring him the present she promised, and instead gave me $10 and asked me to take him to the store to pick out a toy. Again, it's not about the item, it's that she broke a promise to him that I'm upset over. She should have just never said anything about a gift if she didn't intend to get him anything. At least it's over though.

Now I get to breathe. This is in no way an end to the drama with relative resource or 4's case in general, but it's a little oasis where we can know Baby 4 will be celebrating Christmas in a safe place with a stable family who loves him.

I'm so thankful for all the prayers and encouragement we've received as we prepared for the worst. Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts.

It's here

2011-11-15T23:59:00.000-05:00

November is here.

How is Thanksgiving next week? It was August like 4 seconds ago. This month is full full full of foster craziness.

Court is here.

We had court for Baby 5 today. I was running late and rushed around like a maniac to get there 10 min. late, wait for an hour and a half, then go into the court room for 3min. This is an alarmingly detailed account of what happened:

Judge: This docket number blah blah blah concerning the welfare of the blah family.
(To Mom's Lawyer) Do you need time to talk to your client about blah blah blah or are you ready to address this now?
Mom's Lawyer: I would like an adjournment
Judge: Ok, so we'll come back on December 2nd

Frustration is here.

Then we left. No talk of THE CHILD because that would just be silly.

I'm pretty sure we could solve this state's budget issues by eliminating all of the unnecessary court hearings. I wish court appearances like this were unusual, but it has been our experience that they are all too common.

I tried to grab Baby 5's attorney (Guardian Ad Litem), but she buzzed out of the courtroom without even looking up at the crazy woman waving her down. She hasn't tried to contact me about meeting 5. I find it ridiculous that she can speak to the best interest of a child without ever seeing said child.

Relief is here.

No moves for Baby 5 at least until December 2nd and probably longer than that.

Changes are here.

Baby 4 had his first supervised visit with Relative Resource today. I was waiting in court, so Brandon transported to the visit. From what we can gather, 4 is handling it well. We saw regression in him in the past few weeks as we've prepared him for this. The visit today was right before Preschool, and I thought for sure he'd act up. He did OK, though.

I put together a picture book of Baby 4's stay with us to give to Relative Resource. It included pictures of every hospitalization and celebration we've gone through together. I wanted her to see how much love and support he has had. I wanted her to see how much he has really gone through and what change that has caused in him. I wanted her to have all those pictures just in case Baby 4 is ordered to live with her. Those pictures will be the most accurate description of these past 8 months as he grows and needs to remember.

Baby 4 painted a clay heart and made a playdough sculpture for her as well. He told her last week when she called that he had a present for her. He was so excited. She told him she was bringing him a present as well. She didn't.

Aggravation is here.

Really? It's not that he needs a gift, but this person wants to be his legal guardian and primary caregiver and the 1st thing she does to establish that connection is make empty promises?

Fear is here.

Court is tomorrow for Baby 4. They are deciding if he will go to live with Relative Resource out of state or stay in care with us.

I got the court report that was written by 4's caseworker and was sent to his parents, relative resource, the law guardian, and the judge. This report listed all the scary things that could happen if 4 gets taken out of our house right now. It spoke of how well he's doing and how fragile that progress is. DHS is not recommending his move, but the judge has ultimate say and our judge is known for leaning heavily in favor of maternal bio-figures.

So when he gets sent to her, I'll have official documentation of what I should be fearful of. Excellent.

Nausea is here.

Tomorrow I will be meeting relative resource and we will almost certainly have over an hour together while we wait for court. This is awkward and tricky. Acting experience is a great prerequisite for Foster care. Smiling through nervousness and listening to people who are saying ridiculous things without showing your emotions and opinions all over your face are tough skills.

Just the logistics of packing this kid up in a hurry is upsetting. The amount of stuff he has accumulated is almost comical. I don't know how they are going to get it down to where she lives.

I have felt like I just got off a spinning carnival ride since Monday morning. They don't make a pink liquid to ease foster care tummy troubles.

God is here.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

I have to believe. I have to stand firm on faith because if I thought my child's fate was in the hands of DHS and Family court, there would be no point in any of this.

It's here.

Either everything changes or everything stays the same. We'll see tomorrow.

Mortifying Mommy Moments

2011-11-03T21:10:00.000-04:00

So... kids are embarrassing, right? That's not a foster care thing- it's just life, I guess. Baby 4 has a great way of bringing the most obscure story into the most inconvenient moment. I love him and all, but if the county permitted muzzle-ing a child- I would consider doing it :)

I should have known to watch myself when 4 announced to a church children's wing full of people, "Teresa has a tattoo on her butt!", after someone complimented his temporary tattoo. For the record- I have a tattoo on my back- it's my back.

Apparently I learn slowly, though.

First- a little back story. Baby 4 is fully potty trained during the day, but still wears pull ups at night. I'm of the persuasion that kids will night train when they're ready. We haven't had any problems until about a month ago. Baby 4 started waking up between 3am and 5am. He would take off his pullup, and come downstairs. I would then remind him that we wake up at 6:30 and send him back to his room to play or look at books. He would then fall back to sleep and wet the bed

After this happened 3 or 4 times, I walked Baby 4 through his new morning routine. I told him he can go potty in the morning and leave his pullup on or change his pullup when he wakes up (something he has the skill to do). I really stressed that he keep pullup on while he's in his room because he might fall asleep and it's hard to remember to use the potty when you're sleeping.

Then it happened a couple more times, so I took him through it a different way. I took 4 by the hand into my bedroom and said, "Ok, so if I'm sleeping and I feel like I have to pee, what should I do?". We went through it- I should go potty but sometimes it's hard to remember so I might wet the bed. That would make me feel yucky. I'd smell stinky and so would the bed. Brandon would NOT be happy at all about it. I'd have to work hard to clean the bed, my clothes, and myself. Then if I want to go back to bed I should put on a pullup so it doesn't happen again.

He seemed to get it and we haven't had any issues in around 4 days.

Baby 4's caseworker comes over today for her bi-weekly homevisit and she takes 4 upstairs to speak to him privately. I'm not sure exactly what they talk about, but I'm pretty sure she wants to make sure I'm not chaining him to the radiator and feeding him only saltines and water. Somehow during this conversation baby 4 reveals that he doesn't pee in the bed anymore, but Teresa still forgets to wear a pull up, so Brandon has to sleep in pee and he's NOT happy about it.

The caseworker came downstairs and asked me about it. SO.EMBARRASSING!!!

Halloween Hangover

2011-11-01T22:08:00.001-04:00

I'm not big on Halloween. We never celebrated when I was growing up. I never picked a pumpkin or dressed up until Baby 1's first Halloween. My impression is that preparing for Halloween is 10x's more fun than the actual day. I love buying costumes and picking pumpkins. I love making Brandon tie cornstalks around our porch. I love having a reason to wear my makeup really heavy and eat snack size skittles. I could do without carving pumpkins or trick or treating in the cold (it snowed last year while we were out!!).

I'm really glad that our kids have always been little enough not to care if we miss some steps on Halloween. This year was no different. We picked and carved pumpkins, bought super cute costumes and skittles, then trick or treat-ed at one house- my Dad's. Baby 4 had a party in his classroom that his Dad came to- which was really nice.

I have to say I'm glad it's over. I'm make-up and skittled out. Today we ate vegetables and put the costumes away.

Phone Tricks

2011-10-29T03:28:00.000-04:00

At the Foster parent panel that we spoke on last month, we picked up a fun phone trick from one of the other foster families. They use Google Voice for all calls between them and their child's Biofamily. Google voice is a free service that allows you to create a phone number that will ring any and all of your phones without effecting the telephone service you have now. This means you can give your bios this phone number and have it ring at your house, your cell, and your partner's cell so you don't miss a call from them. I actually didn't sign up for this function since my cell phone is always on me, but I can see how other people might find it convenient.

What I love about Google voice is that it can't be traced back to your address like home phone numbers or some cell phone numbers can be. You don't even provide that information to Google at all when signing up- just your phone number and email address.

I also like that because it is not connected to your real number, you can disconnect or change it if the situation with the Bios becomes unsafe and it won't effect the rest of your calls on your real number. On the flip side, you could also change your real number (like if you move into another area code) and keep your Google voice number so that the bios (or kids that have gone home) can reach you by dialing a number that is local to them.

It also will transcribe all of your voicemails and text sent to your google phone number into an email. This is PERFECT for foster care where we are supposed to document everything. One of our cases had a parent who became very hostile with us at times. This parent would leave me angry voicemails that I would save and let the caseworker listen to later. I wish I would have had a written transcript of those messages to give to the caseworker and child's attorney.

Fun trick, right? I thought so too. Since everyone involved with our current cases already has our real number, I won't be using this much until the next placement. I'm really glad I know about it though!!

While we're on the topic of phones- You've probably heard me talk about "Hallelujah Calls" from our county's matchers. This is a cute blog name for the call, but it's also the ringtone I have set for their numbers. Having the matchers' numbers programed in my phone with a specific ring helps me know that I need to pick up the phone and not let it go to voicemail. Here is the link to the free ringtone. Just put in your phone number and they'll text to you: Hallelujah Chorus Ringtone

Dear Fosterlings

2011-10-27T21:58:00.001-04:00

About a month ago we got an exciting opportunity to speak on a panel to a class of prospective foster parents who are getting ready for certification and their families. We were supposed to talk about our experience and give some tricks of the trade to these new fosterlings. When Brandon and I were going through our initial training there were nurses from foster care's pediatrician office, a matcher, a homefinding caseworker, a management worker, an adoption worker, and 3 foster families. On this panel there were 6 foster families and 1 management worker. Foster parents LOVE.TO.TALK. It is what it is- we have a lot to say. By the time it was our turn to tell our story, I felt pressed to finish up quickly and I only said about half of what I wanted to tell the class. I tried to stick to stuff that the other families hadn't talked about, and I ended up making us sound like we only take respites. I kicked myself all the way home thinking, "I should have said this. I should have said that. They need to know this stuff!!!". I did say, "Go read some foster care blogs!", so maybe they'll stumble upon this post. I know at least one of them found us- Hi Rachael!!

Here's my experience and tricks- for fosterlings:

Hi, My name is Teresa Foster Parent. My husband an I have been foster parents for a little over 2 years. We have seen 13 children come into our home during that time- 5 placements and 8 respites. After our last MAPP class, it took a little less than a month to become certified. It was 2 weeks from our official 1st day open to bringing home our 1st child.

We got the call for our 1st baby- a healthy newborn- at noon and we picked him up at 6pm. He came with just a onesie and enough formula for 2 bottles. I had gone to Walmart before picking him up and had what we needed already. Trick- have some money set aside for new placements. We spend $250-$300 on our first couple of Walmart runs for our kids. Since the clothing check and daily stipend won't come for 6weeks after the child is in your home, you'll need to have cash on hand. Also, even though our kids are automatically qualified for WIC, it can take up to a month to actually get an appointment, so you'll be buying formula until then and that money does not get reimbursed. We replace our "new child" fund when the child's 1st check comes in.We were initially told he would stay for 3 months, and he stayed for 8 months before returning to his Dad. He had 5 visits/ week because his parents didn't get long well enough to visit together. Eventually he was doing 2 supervised visits during the week with Mom and spent weekends with his Dad. I learned with him how unpredictable court can be- we had him packed and ready to leave several times over those 8 months only to have the judge extend his stay with us. We went to court with him every other week for 8 months. How often you go to court solely depends on the judge. The judge in our next case only held court every 4-6months. Trick- Go to court when possible. It will give you a better picture of what's happening in the case, and let the judge see you and see that you are there for the kid. You will also have the chance to interact with the child's parents and lawyer. When the baby was returned we had 11 days notice before the move.

3 days before our 1st baby went home, we got the call for a sibling group. The boys were 18 mo and newborn. We had 20 minutes between the call and picking up our 2nd son. He was in the CPS investigators car on his way to the agency when the matcher called and I got there as fast as I could. I brought him with me to Walmart that day. He had only the clothes on his back and a coat that the caseworker had in her office. Everything was bought and ready when his little brother was released from the hospital (with no possessions) 2 weeks later. The judge ordered jail visits with one of the parents for the boys every week. I accompanied the children and their caseworker to the jail 3 times. Trick- transport children to their visits when you can and really try to do the 1st visit so you can meet the parents and start positive communication. Parents will usually cause less trouble for you if you extend yourself to them We were still at the supervised visit level when Dad asked to have the boys for Christmas. There wouldn't be anyone to transport or supervise on Christmas day, but the judge left it to the "county's discretion". We decided that it would be best for our sons to have both of their families on Christmas. We had our relatives over for Christmas breakfast and presents and then did dinner at their Dad's house. We offered to supervise the 3hr Christmas day visit. Trick- you will never regret going above and beyond for the children you love.

We were childless for 3 weeks before getting the call for our 4 yr old. During that time we got several calls for children who were out of our age range. Trick- It's really important to be honest about your families abilities and comfort zone. We don't have any older children in our family or close friends, and we haven't ever worked with high functioning older children. There is a lot to be said for people who can stretch beyond their ideal placement and help an older child than they expected. However, if you legitimately can not parent a child they call you for, you have to say no for the sake of the child. No child deserves a parent that wishes they never took him. We have said no at least 10 times since being certified and they always call us again with children in our age range. Saying no will not make the matchers dislike you. Our 4 yr old son is medically frail and we needed a lot of training to care for him. While he has been our most challenging child, he has also been the most rewarding. We have seen him progress so much this year. Taking a child with special needs requires more time and advocating than other placements. Since his condition can become life threatening and his family and caseworker were not proficient in his care, I have had to stay with him in visits and have spent quite a bit of time in the hospital and at appts. All of his medical expenses are covered as well as his equipment and supplies. I've never even had to purchase a gauze pad out of pocket. There is so much support provided for foster parents who take in medically fragile or behaviorally challenged children- including respite care where the child can spend some time in another foster home while you take a short break. Trick- When you get certified, you will be assigned a Homefinding caseworker. This is YOUR caseworker- she's the one who will do your yearly re-certs and will be available to provide support when you get placements. You'll be working closely with your child's caseworker, but they won't be helping you work through your feelings or figure out your role. Lean on your Homefinder, she will be very valuable to you. There have been many times when my homefinder has been able to help me sort out confusing or frustrating things that come up in our cases.

We had Baby 4 for 6months when we got the call for a newborn being released from the hospital. We got the call at 5:30 on Thursday and I picked him up at 3:00 on Friday. So far his case has been relatively uneventful. We were matched with him because we had provided respite for his sister when she was in care. Trick- Say yes to some respite calls. We've taken 8 kids for respite, and we love it. It's basically babysitting, and at the very least it will help you network with other foster families and it could lead to a placement for you. I've even heard of cases where the foster family decides not adopt a child in their care and the family that did respite was able to adopt that child.

Some other tips we have are:

Give the child's parents copies of pictures you take while you have them. It will help you build a relationship with them, and it will allow your child to have pictures of special times when they go back home. The pictures you take may be the only baby picture or 1st day of school picture that's ever taken of them.

Go to the trainings offered by the county. Foster parenting is hard and we can use all the preparation we can get. There is a legal training and "saying Goodbye" training that are excellent. The class you should take ASAP is Fostering the Sexually Abused Child. At some point, most foster parents will deal with issues talked about in that class. It's sad, but true and you don't want to get caught off guard.

Document everything you do in foster care. Keep receipts of all the clothing you buy the child, have a notebook for each child where you write down when you speak to the caseworker, child's attorney, parents or other family, etc. I like to keep most of my communication with caseworkers on email, so I have a paper trail.

Call or email the matchers when you want children placed with you. Remind them of any special training or experience you have and if you'll take any special needs. The fresher you are in their mind when they get a child to place, the quicker you'll get a call.

Read Read Read!! There a lot of great books you should pick up, but get these 2 first:

Success As A Foster Parent: Everything You Need To Know About Foster Care is a very great resource and an easy, fast read that comes from the National Foster Parent Association

20 things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

Go to some free sample websites and look for offers for free samples of diapers or formula. Pampers and Huggies offer these periodically, and it's an easy way to have some extras around the house just in case you need a diaper to hold a new baby over while you run to the store.

There's still so much more, but I've been working on this post for a month now so I think this is enough. There is so much to say to new foster families. This journey is hard and long. You'll feel like you're lost sometimes. However, there are some really great companions traveling the same road, so reach out to them. Every tough time is more than made up for in smiles, hugs, and silly dances. Having a real impact on your community and another human being is amazing. You won't regret it.

Concurrent Planning = Emotional Entrapment

2011-10-27T00:08:00.001-04:00

Most foster parents are aware of ASFA. The Federal Adoption and Safe Families Act was signed into law in 1997 and changed foster care in many ways- one was shortening the time a child can be in care. No longer could kids float around the system for years and years while their parents continue to make zero progress towards getting them back. Now, Termination of parental rights and an alternate permanency goal can be pursued after a child has been in care for 15 of the past 22 months.

Then NY enacted their own ASFA in 1999 which tightened up how we do things in these parts. One of the biggest was how we plan for permanency when a child enters care. ASFA encourages concurrent planning. In concurrent planning there are 2 "tracks" towards permanency moving along at the same time. The first is always "return to parent", and the other can be adoption, legal guardianship, permanent placement with a fit and willing relative, or another planned and permanent living arrangement which could include independent living, group home, or nursing home. This concurrent planning helps keep our time frame for achieving permanency for our kids and prevents incidents of children lingering in care after their parent's rights have been terminated.

All of our kids have had concurrent plans of "Return to Parent" and "Adoption" with us listed as that adoptive resource. We want to adopt, and we've been sincere about being ready to adopt any and all of our kids. BUT we are well-trained foster parents and we know that reunification is the goal of foster care, and we've been as supportive of that as possible. I, specifically, have done ridiculous things to aid reunification including but not limited to: driving a Dad to his substance abuse treatment program, facilitating a visit on Christmas Day when no county workers were willing, and most recently (yesterday) booking a flight for relative resource to come here for court. She paid for the ticket, but I went online, found the best price, secured her seat, printed the confirmation and mailed it to her. What?! I know!!!

I don't want to keep a child who could have gone home if his family had gotten more support. I want to adopt the child who truly needed a family. When the child I adopt is an adult, I'm going to be able to say, "I tried everything to keep you with your family. I fought for your parents so they could fight for you. You were always loved, and we adopted you because it was honestly the best thing.". I do all these crazy things with our Bios because (1) I'm a lunatic and (2) I want all of my actions and motives to be pure and selfless. Sometimes I fall short of that "pure and selfless" part, but I'm working on it and getting better with each case.

With our 1st placement, my language was much different. People would ask, "Are you going to adopt him?" and I'd say "Hopefully". Then our 2nd case it was, "Maybe, but it changes so much I don't know.". Today, Baby 4's teacher asked me about adoption and I said, "Oh. We don't even think about adoption for 2yrs.". Keeping my head in the fostering game and not letting it slip into pre-adoption territory is healthier and easier, and all around appropriate for the situation. It's not that I don't daydream of adoption and name changes and Gotcha Day celebrations, but I don't linger there...as much.

And right as I'm becoming the balanced person I've always hoped to be, I get this email from 4's caseworker:

Another question, I wanted to ask you now rather in front of [baby 4], if we decide to terminate father and mother’s rights, are your willing to adopt [baby 4]?

Let me know. Thanks J

Just in case fostering alone wasn't emotionally consuming enough- concurrent planning has to slap me in the face with what ifs, maybes, and selfish high hopes. Adoption is still just a back up plan, but it's in the forefront of my mind. We're going to add concurrent planning to the list of foster care related topics that can give me a migraine and/or cause me to eat large amounts of chocolate.

From This Moment

2011-10-25T20:33:00.001-04:00

I got a call Friday from Baby 5's caseworker that was very expected. His case is moving along nicely and November will bring a lot of changes for him, and as a result- us. There are a lot of milestones that come with fostering- The Call, Meeting the Bios, The 1yr Mark. This conversation with the caseworker where she pretty much said, "Get ready. Get packed." and "Get him down to the lab Tuesday for DNA testing" brought me to a milestone- The Moment.

The Moment is when you realize that this child who was placed in your home "temporarily" with "reunification being the goal" has your entire heart in his tiny little fist and will be ripping it out when he leaves. It's The Moment when you panic because your baby can't leave!!! He belongs with you!

****Foster Care Fun Fact**** Almost any country song can be interpreted to fit foster care/adoption and can make me think about my babies and sob like a maniac. Here are some of my favorites:

From this moment, as long as I live,

I will love you. I promise you this

There is nothing I wouldn't give

From this moment on

I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go.

Our lives are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky

In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life

I'll keep a part of you with me, and everywhere I am there you'll be

Aaaand, I'm crying! Before I go grab a tissue, I want to tell you about going to get the genetic marker test.

It was super easy (practically speaking, not emotionally since we are post-Moment and all). I took Baby to the lab with a copy of his birth certificate which I got from the caseworker. The tech triple checked all his information and had me fill out a form with all his info so she could compare her info with what I provided. I had to show identification for myself. She took a picture of baby and did 4 cheek swabs which baby smiled during. We were in and out in 10 minutes.

We'll find out the results and make changes to baby's case accordingly in November.

Unrelated Children

2011-10-21T22:18:00.000-04:00

When we first got certified for foster care, we wanted a sibling group. I knew we could parent more than one child, but I was afraid that I wasn't ready to deal with 2 caseworkers, 2 judges, 2 visitation schedules, 2 Biofamilies, etc. I made it clear that while open to multiple children, we only wanted one family/case at a time.

After having 3 cases and many respites, we felt we had enough experience to handle two families at once and we asked for Baby 5. So far being involved in 2 cases has worked out, although having experienced parenting 2 related children then 2 unrelated children, I can tell you unrelated is a lot more work. Balancing each child's separate schedule is tricky because no one involved in one case cares about what's going on in the other case. Example: Baby 4 has a service plan review coming up next month. It falls at the exact time as Baby 5's visit is ending (read: I need to be picking him up). I asked about it being moved and the CW gave me another option which was at the same time as 5's service plan review. If they had been related children, that wouldn't have been an issue. As much as the logistics side of unrelated children is tricky- it can be navigated with a trusty dayplanner and a babysitter on stand by.

The stuff I've really been struggling with since bringing home 5 is the emotional part of it. How to delicately prepare these little souls and their big feelings for the way we live. Both of our boys could go home in November and both of our boys could stay here forever- we just don't know yet. Either way, when we decided to take unrelated children we were really signing each of them up for additional roles in foster care. They will now have to balance attachment and saying Goodbye the way we do. They will now have to be aware of foster care outside their own situation. When they go home, they're not just being ripped away from us, but also the sibling they love.

I'm trying to emotionally secure the children's place in our family. Baby 4 calls 5 "My baby". I tell them I will always love them- no matter what they do or where they are. How do I keep that security if one child goes home? How do I explain one going home and one staying? It's bad enough now that Baby 5 has two visits/week when 4 just has one- what happens when the baby starts weekend overnight visits and the preschooler is still doing his 1hr supervised visit? Will he know he's loved and protected if 5 goes home and we get that call for Baby 6? Keeping open dialogue is going to be very important. There can't just be a day when Baby's not here anymore- going home has to be normalized while staying with us has to be OK as well.

Our preschool version of foster care that we talk about at least weekly, but sometimes several times/day is: Kids need to live in a home that is safe so they don't get really sick or hurt. If a Mommy or Daddy doesn't know how to keep their kids safe, the kids live in another house while their parents learn to take great care of them. Kids can go home when their parents can keep them safe. Baby 4 knows that his family is learning how to keep him safe and that Baby 5's parents are doing the same. He asks why I know how to keep him safe, but other Mommies don't know how. I tell him that not all parents can keep kids safe. It's a very hard job, but they are trying to do better. I hope this idea will help us get through having siblings that may be separated.

What I can't control is how the sibling that moves away will handle the loss. Will the family allow them to talk about their missing brother? Will they show them the sibling pictures from their time with us? What if Baby 4 leaves and 5 stays? Will he think I wanted the baby more than him?

This topic is really too big to tackle in one post, but I'm processing it slowly and surely. I wonder if this is something that other foster parents worry about, or if it is yet another example of me overthinking. Either way, it does complicate the little lives of my children- who already have too many complications. Preparation is the key for making our family's transitions as minimally traumatic as possible. Unfortunately, there is not much time to prepare for anything in foster care.

Ultimately, I have to lean on my world view and beliefs. Our story has been written by a God who has good intentions for us and our children. The children who are placed in our home have been equipped with the personalities and abilities to ride this roller coaster in the same way that Brandon and I have been. The children who become part of our family will be taking part of our calling, and I hope they will see it as their calling as well. Our legacy becomes their legacy, their burdens become ours- we share love, joy, and loss. I have to believe that they are made to keep up with our changing dynamics and that being a foster family will make them strong and sensitive, quick to love and unafraid of change. The kids that we call our own are special and they'll be protected throughout our story.

I've been reading a blog written by the biodaughter of a foster/adoptive family. She shares her experiences as a foster-sibling and how it has changed her perspective and faith. I am so appreciative to her for journalingLearning To Abandon

Life Changing Material Is On It's Way!!

2011-10-06T22:43:00.001-04:00

Fall is my favorite: pumpkin bread, apple picking, hoodies, hot tea, cinnamon rolls, Halloween costumes, crunchy leaf piles, fuzzy baby rompers, corn mazes- the list could go on and on.

I am thoroughly enjoying this fall with 4 and 5.

This October is the calm before the storm. We have 2 court dates in November that could change my family. Either baby could go home, visits could increase, transitions could start, bio-connections could be broken. I have no idea what will happen, and I have legitimate concerns about any possible outcome. There is so much drama and complexity in both their families. I can't figure any of it out. November is going to be crazy either way, and that's why October has become our oasis.

So that's why things might be quiet on here for now, because I'd rather play "Bugga bugga BOO!" with Baby 5 or make peanut butter play dough with Baby 4 than do anything else in the world. I'm working on some posts one sentence at a time. They're coming together quite nicely- words of foster genius, really. When they finally get done I'm sure you'll laugh, cry, and be better people for having read my blog. Hahaha! ...Or, you'll get a cool tip about keeping your phone number private and untraceable, hear about my 1st time co-leading MAPP, and watch me work out my feelings about foster siblings. Coming soon! I swear!

Made For This

2011-09-23T15:28:00.000-04:00

I have been a Foster Care machine this week! Literally everyday has been filled with Foster related activities. I attended a Monday/Wednesday Shared Parenting training, Brandon and I spoke on a panel for Perspective Foster Parents and their families on Tuesday. Baby 4 had a bio-visit, 3 relative resource calls, a pre-op appt for his upcoming surgery, his physical and Kindergarten shots, an appt with the specialist he sees for his scars, a home nursing recertification, school, and dance. Baby 5 had 2 biovisits, court, and a homevisit with his caseworker. The MAPP class I'm co-leading in October went from having 2 people signed up to having 26 and a waiting list. We added another trainer and had to adjust our meeting plans accordingly. There was mail, note cards, and 3 ring binders galore in my dining room.

In the midst of all that, I also received 6 texts and 1 phone call from Baby 2 &3's Dad!!! He sent me pictures of them and let me know where they are living and how they are doing. I can't even explain what that meant to me. We haven't heard anything from him in over 5 months. I'm extremely grateful for that connection. Baby 2 turned 3 last week and I was able to mail him some presents. It was hard to give Dad space as he started to call and text. I wanted so badly to just ask for a visit with them, but I didn't want to sound pushy or scare him away. Instead I just affirmed everything he told me he was doing with/for the boys and I thanked him for calling me. He said he wants to meet our new children and let all the boys play together, but we didn't set up a time. This is the selfish side of reaching out and respecting the bioparents- initially we do it because it's right for our kids and their family, but it also pays into a bank that gets cashed in when you are on the other side. All those pictures, texts, and updates I sent to Dad while they were with me set the tone for our post-reunification relationship.

Baby 5 court update- he will definitely be with us through November, and probably through December as well. There has been no movement in his situation at all. We were expecting Dad's petition to be addressed and Baby to go home with him this month, but he's not officially "Dad" yet. Apparently that system runs slowly.

Tonight I am going to a foster parent support group for the first time. I got a call about it on
Wednesday and I was iffy about if it would be worth my time until they said "Free childcare" and "We'll be serving dinner". I was not about to say no to either of those things. At the very least it'll give me some blog material.

This week was so jam packed, I entered it assuming I'd be very overwhelmed, but it felt very natural to me. Navigating this world is tricky, but I love it. Being pulled into everyone's drama is draining, but it allows me to forgo having my own drama. Emerging from this week relatively unscathed gives me a clear-er picture of my purpose on this earth. I am made for this.

Growing Up, Growing Out

2011-09-13T21:16:00.003-04:00

Baby 4 is developing and changing so fast, I can't even keep up! Last week he started Preschool and Dance!

Today I got an email from his caseworker. They had court today and I didn't go because I didn't particularly want to. There have been some annoying details going on with visits and caseworkers and relative resource that have been bothering me. There is this perception of foster parents that all we want in life is to keep people's kids away from them. That couldn't be further from the truth in Baby 4's case. I have tried very hard to get the county to educate 4's family about his needs so he can spend MORE time with them. Of course I would love to keep Baby 4. If he needs forever from me, I will happily give it. I would never sabotage a reunion because I love my boy. I have told many people on many occasions that if relative resource seems like she's going to work out, then the training and transfer should happen sooner rather than later so 4 doesn't get more comfortable with us than necessary- but every time we go to court nothing happens and Baby 4 is left hanging in the wind for another 2-4 weeks.

So the caseworker went to court and shockingly nothing happened. Relative resource asked about her petition for custody that has been ignored since April and the county was instructed to get on it and figure out what they think of her. So they go back November and DHS needs to have proof that they have prepared her to care for him and that she either can or can't. If she can, he could be gone by Christmas.

Baby 4's made so much progress in the past 6 months and I'm so proud of him. I'm proud of all of us, really. I didn't know Brandon and I had what it takes to parent a kid like him. Whether he stays or goes, he's going to be better for the time he was here. That's why we do it all, to improve a child's life- even just a little.

It's unnatural to say goodbye to your child. In foster care we are asked to make strong attachments and yet let go easily. We are asked to plan and consider our kids as if they are permanent, yet realistically they aren't. It puts a little spin on every accomplishment and milestone. We're one step closer to losing our son with every dance class and bus ride. I shouldn't have to feel this way until Highschool graduation, but I may never get to see Kindergarten with 4.

As mopey as that sounds, it makes me appreciate our time together a little more. I want to experience everything I can with him. The concept of being separated makes playing "What's this dinosaur?" suddenly tolerable- maybe even enjoyable.

While 4 may be leaving my home, he has left a permanent mark on my heart. For that I am extremely grateful.

Why I Number My Children

2011-09-12T16:48:00.001-04:00

Hi Snooki Toes!!

So it's come to my attention that calling my children by numbers could be perceived as offensive. In all fairness, The numbers thing is only for the blog since all kids in care have the right to confidentiality. It's not like I'm ever saying it out loud to them.

Either way, when I was deciding how I would address the children for the blog, I looked to other foster bloggers for ideas. Most of the blogs I read use cute made up nicknames for each child and a few use names that the foster parents have chosen for the children either just for the blog or to be made official upon adoption. My problem with either of those methods is that (1) it takes a lot of creativity that I just don't have to nickname children and (2) I was afraid that I would slip up and accidentally post the child's real name. Having numbers makes it obvious to me that I've slipped up and typed the child's name so I can replace it with a number before posting. (3)I thought about calling them by their first initial, but that is stepping pretty close to TMI and we have multiple children with the same first initial. (4) Typing "4" is faster than typing "snooki toes" or whatever name I could come up with.

Further, numbering my kids helps a reader who's jumping into the middle of my story to figure out who's who pretty easily. If I have 2 kids living with me right now, my kids are numbered 1-5, and I'm talking about baby 3- he has probably already returned home. As opposed to snooki toes, tootsie roll, glitter angel, paint-y face, and... see? I can't even make up 5 fake made-up names! Anyway, the nicknames give no clues about who is who and when they came or left.

Considering the length of time and amount of children I plan on fostering, numbers made sense. So sorry if it sounds cold. If you can get past my metric system of labeling children and read my content, you'd know that cold is not an accurate word to describe me or how I feel about my children.

Just to clarify- Hats off to the foster bloggers who can pull off the nickname thing with out slipping up or ending up with names like "sausage elbow" like I eventually would. I don't think everyone should go around numbering their kids, but it works for me.

Thank you and goodnight.

Meet The Parents

2011-09-11T21:37:00.005-04:00

With every new placement comes the awkward moment where I have to meet our baby's bios. This causes so much anxiety for me- I don't know if that's one of my personal quirks, or if it just comes with the territory. No matter what circumstances surround this child coming into care, their parents are going to be part of my life as long as the child is, so we need to get along. For the most part, I've had a good working relationship with our bioparents. I was still so nervous though when Baby 5's first visit came up with his Mom. It was time to get that initial contact out of the way.

I feel the need to dress up like I'm going to a job interview when I meet biofamily. So I donned my button up black shirt and put on makeup as if my ability to apply mascara will convince a Mom that I'm taking good care of her child. Then I printed out pictures of Baby 5's first week with us. I placed them in a note book with a carefully worded note, "Your son is THE cutest baby I have ever seen! I can't imagine how difficult it is to have to trust me with him, but I promise to treat him like gold until he can come home to you." Then I write in the notebook when the next Dr appt is and write it a second time on a piece of loose paper that the parent can take with them.That notebook went into an expertly packed diaper bag: diapers and wipes to last days, 3 bottles with premeasured powdered formula, 3 of baby's cutest outfits that say something to the effect of "I love Mommy", bibs and burps cloths with the same sentiments, a light blanket, and a heavier blanket, diaper rash cream, Vaseline, and an extra binkie.

I bathe baby 5 right before we leave for the visit, slather him in lotion, and dress him in the cutest outfit I can find. In the car I pow-wow with Baby 4 about saying, "Hi" and that's all to Baby 5's Mom. The last thing I need is for him to call her Baby 5's "other" Mommy or ask her why she couldn't keep baby safe. Conversations that are normal at our house, are shocking to outsiders. For the first time I'm not worried about how a black family will accept a white woman caring for their children. I'm meeting a white family today. Suddenly I worry if they'll accept my son- they should, more than anyone, realize that kids don't come into care because they are bad, but because their home wasn't safe. Maybe I should have left 4 with a sitter. Too late now.

We walk into the visitation center, and the caseworker meets me in the lobby to take 5 to his Mom who's already waiting in the room. She says maybe we shouldn't meet until the formal icebreaker is scheduled. She'll bring 5 out to us in an hour. Did I really just get dressed up for nothing?

Baby 4 and I go get lunch and come back in an hour. The caseworker brings out 5 and we leave. As we make our way to the car I see Mom come out of the building and start talking to the caseworker. I wave at her from across the parking lot. She yells, "I'll see you tomorrow!", like we're girlfriends who need to catch up. I buckle the boys in and walk around to my seat as Mom and Grandpa pull up to me in their car. We talk for a few moments and they are more than pleasant. Mom is my age. She's beautiful, well dressed, and articulate in speech. Her Dad reminds me of my own. She thanks me for the pictures and says she wants to be friends. We exchange phone numbers right then and she calls me on the spot to make sure I gave her a real number. She assures me that the reasons 5 was taken are all lies. I tell her I'm sorry she's going through all this- I am, if not just for her then for Baby 5. I leave feeling pretty positive about the whole experience. I hope she noticed how professional my shoes looked with my shirt.

The next day, I go through the same preparation to bring 5 to his visit. Again, I don't see Mom until she comes to my car after the visit is over. She hugs me no less than 10 times and tells me her life story. I gather from her account that Baby 5 may be a short placement before returning to his Dad. She tells me that if she has other children and they get taken, she wants us to have them. She said it like she was giving us a gift. She asks about my husband and Baby 4 and seems really satisfied with my answers. I think she sees herself in me as much as I see myself in her. She's the first Mom I've ever worked with, and the first parent who is my age. Looking at each other is like looking at the "What could have been" if our choices had been different.

We spend the next couple of days texting. I tell her to check the baby's bag at the visit because we made her a footprint plaque. She says she excited and will call me after she gets it. That's the last communication I've had with her. Then she missed 3 visits and our icebreaker meeting. She never took the pictures or the plaque out of the bag.

I don't know what will happen next. She could show up next week like nothing ever happened and never miss another visit. Maybe we'll never speak again. Such is foster care.

I decided to post this because I think a lot of foster parents are apprehensive about meeting the parents. Bios just want to know you love their kids and that you know they are their kids. You could probably even wear jeans, although I don't recommend it :)

Sustaining The Love That Supports Our Story

2011-09-04T22:25:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a big day for us. It was my 25th birthday and our 6th wedding anniversary. Marriage is hard work for anybody, but as foster parents we put extra strain on ours. We have been running on very little sleep and even less "us" time since bringing home Baby 4. I'm always somewhat aware that I have it made being married to Brandon, but I'm not the best at expressing to him how much I appreciate everything he does for our family. Last year we cancelled an anniversary vacation once we knew our boys couldn't come with us, and I felt strongly about not using respite this year as well. Last year, we thought baby 2& 3 could be sent home in September and we didn't want to lose any time with them. This year I was concerned that moving Baby 4 would upset all the behavior progress we've been making and would actually be more work moving his medical equipment than it was worth. My Mom stayed with the boys while we got a room in a hotel in our city, since we were gone less than 24 hrs, we didn't have to use respite. We got the rest and relaxation that was so desperately lacking and Baby 4 got to maintain his routine.

No Crib? King bed? Air Conditioning? Heaven.

Awe! Presents!

Hello Room Service!

Then we got into a car accident. Really? On my Birth-a-versary?
At least it wasn't our fault and there were no kids in the car.

I came back home with renewed focus and energy for the upcoming months- first week of school, Shared parenting class, my first MAPP assignment, and possibly saying goodbye to either of our boys.

As much as I get wrapped up in our story, I'm trying to be better at paying as much attention to the backbone of it all- our marriage. I'm so so so thankful for the opportunity to strengthen that this week.

Back In The Swing Of Things- Then Some!

2011-09-01T21:39:00.003-04:00

We've had Baby 5 for 2 weeks now. Everyone is doing remarkably well for all the transition that has occurred. The first weeks of a placement is SO busy even for the most laid back person, but add in all my eccentricities and they become a carnival of crazy:

Day 1 - Pick up Baby 5 from the hospital followed by a homevisit from 5's Foster Care Intake caseworker.

Day 2- Baby 5 meets Brandon's family at his nephew's graduation party

Day 3- Baby's 1st day of church! Since he's too little to be in the church nursery, we had to find people to hold him while we volunteered in 2 services. Not surprising- there were many willing baby rockers.

Day 4 - Pediatrician's appt -9lbs 8oz/ 22" long- 50th percentile for height, weight, and head

Day 5- Biovisit for Baby 4 followed by Family pictures at Target

Day 6- Biovisit for Baby 5 followed by pottery painting to make Baby 5's keepsake plate

Day 7- Biovisit for Baby 5

Day 8- Homevisit with Baby 5's new case manager (Generally the foster care intake worker would serve as case manager for the first 90 days of the child's placement. Since 5 has siblings with open cases in Foster Care management, his case was sent to their caseworker so we did a homevist with her.)

Day 9- Baby's 1st Baseball game. After a mini-freak-out about needing some child-free time, Brandon sends me to get my nails done. I love that man.

Day 10- 2nd Sunday at church. I actually volunteered for one service while holding baby 5 the entire time. Feel free to call me SuperMom :)

Day 11- Call from the matcher for Respites 6 & 7- Not me, Not now.

Day 12- Biovisit for Baby 4 followed by trach training with his parents. Still feeling the buzz from an hour of childless-ness on Saturday, I steal away for a haircut and color. As I'm crowned in aluminum foil, who walks in? My husband, 2 sons, and my Dad- Oh family togetherness!

Day 13- There was a biovisit and icebreaker meeting set up for Baby 5, but neither happened. I got a call from the certifying trainer who did our initial foster care classes and homestudy asking me to co-lead with her in October! Then we went to pick up Baby 5's finished keepsake plate.

Day 14- Biovisit for Baby 5, pick up pictures from Target, Homevisit with Baby 4's new case manger and spend some outside time playing in the backyard.

Having 4 and 5 feels so natural. I think we're made for 2 children- they fit with our skill, patience, schedule, bedroom set up. While it's been busy, it's been so fun! Look out for the posts I have in the works- Sustaining Love (Day 15), Unrelated children, and Meeting the Bios.

Healthy White Newborn

2011-08-20T21:58:00.000-04:00

I never pictured my future family having white children. It's just not what my dreams were made of. Even when we were trying to get pregnant, I felt like I would mother black children. Nobody understood me and it is the basis for a lot of joking in my social circle. I think everyone assumed I would marry outside of my own race- but I didn't. Then they thought I would change my expectations for what my family would look like- but I didn't. Transracial parenting is deeply ingrained in me, and I have no explanation for it. Fortunately my husband identified with my concept of family and fully intended to only parent black children as well.
We have had a lot of time to form intentional methods that we use to effectively parent minority children. We have positive language that we make sure to incorporate into our household conversation to recognize and affirm our children's identity and heritage. We have media, toys, and books that show a variety of ethnicities and family structures. We learned how to care for their hair and skin or who to call when we get in over our heads. We moved to an ethnically diverse church after Baby 1 came home.

We also decided that as long as we had a child outside our race in our home, we would not accept a white placement so that the child in our home would never be the only different one. We never wanted to be walking in the store and have our child notice someone assume that the white child was ours and the minority child was not. We never wanted to tempt our family to treat the child that "looks just like you!" differently than the child who does not. Even if nobody treated them differently, we would never want our child to feel that they are somehow out of place in their own family. This was our agreement. An agreement that I fully support.

Then I got the call for Baby 5. I have to defend myself by saying that the matcher told me all about him and his situation before mentioning his sister. It was only after I had committed my heart to him that I realized that his sister is white- pretty much ensuring that he is white. That twinge of guilt sank in. How could I say no to a child just because of race? I really want a baby. What about Baby 4? I really want a baby. A healthy white newborn could find a home quickly, shouldn't we wait for sickly black child that might not get matched? I really want a baby. It's at this moment I wish I could write that I prayed and fasted and sought wise counsel, but I really want a baby. So I said yes with less than a little hesitation.

Healthy white newborns are THE most sought after placements in the foster/ adoption world. People will wait on lists for 10+ years for a child matching Baby 5's description. I don't identify with any of the reasons, but I hear it goes something like: They don't want to be a walking billboard for adoption and have to field staring and questions out in public. Their extended family is varying degrees of prejudice and they don't want to cut ties or expose the child to that. They live in an all white community. They want to hide the child's adoption from the neighbors. I'm not here to judge any of that. I feel like since we are more than capable of taking a child of any race with a broad spectrum of disabilities, we should leave the healthy white newborns to the waiting list of people that would say no any other kind of placement. It kind of falls in line with doing foster care instead of fost/adopt or traditional adoption, because we want the kids that may not have gotten a home, not the ones who have a list of families waiting for the call. This is not a pat on the back for us at all, we are not making a sacrifice, we are pursuing what our hearts desire for our family. The desire that I thank God He planted in my heart as a child.

So how does all that fall in line with us bringing home a HWN just yesterday? I have no clue.

I feel guilty. Baby 4 now has 3 white people in his house and I feel like we should be the ones that are outnumbered. Baby 4 is going to be the minority in the rest of the world, and I've just made him the minority in his own house. He doesn't notice now, but at some point he will. He'll notice that people think I'm babysitting him, but never question where Baby 5 belongs. He'll notice that baby 5 doesn't have to explain us to his friends at school. He'll notice that life is one degree easier for every shade lighter your skin is, and I hate that for him. I hate that my selfishness may have exacerbated a problem that I can never fix for him.

I feel normal. I was out today with baby 5 and no one took a second look at us. I didn't get one approving smile or person looking around to see if my child was really with me or someone else who looked more the part. I got no unsolicited advise about hair. I was just a normal Mom with a normal baby. Completely out of my element.

I feel like a sellout. I still think our all our nothing approach to transracial parenting is appropriate for the racial climate in New York right now. Our kids need a safe home environment because the world is cruel. I'm starting to think that I can provide that even with a white child in our home, and I think that having the white child exposed to transracial parenting techniques will make for a very empathetic and considerate human being. I'm crossing over!!!

I honestly don't know that taking this particular baby as #5 will change the dynamic of our family that much. Really, either of my children could be sent home fairly quickly and then everything changes. I guess I fear being just a white family, which is super strange- I know. I guess for the sake of my ego, I wanted you to know that I was not wading around in the pool of parents waiting for a healthy white newborn, but I'm really glad we got him.

Officially 5

2011-08-20T08:16:00.002-04:00

We brought home Baby 5 yesterday at 3pm. He is one month old today. He was full term- 7lbs 12 oz. He's simply perfect. The nurse in the NICU told me to expect a very fussy baby for the next 3 weeks, and she said he will probably spend a lot of time in the swing because he has to be moving all the time. I don't mind one bit. We have a swing in the living room and one in our room so we're set.

There is no way I was about to just bring home a beautiful baby boy without some roadblocks. Here's how it went:

August 18, 2011:

5:10pm- Hallelujah Call! We have a baby! Wait, no, we have to offer him to another family first.

5:20pm- 2nd call from the matcher. Ok, for real, we have a baby 5.

August 19, 2011:

11:40am- Call from foster care intake worker. Baby 5 is being released from the hospital TODAY! How fast can you get there?

12:00pm- Grandma takes Baby 4 so we can get Baby 5

12:10pm- Drop Brandon off at work because he got called in early- Bummer...

12:30pm- Walk into hospital and immediately get ushered out by a frantic nurse who is "whispering" that Mom is in with Baby 5 and doesn't know I'm coming. Mom can see me and hear nurse loudmouth, but I'm not allowed to talk to her. NL tells me to come back in an hour.

12:31pm- Caseworker won't answer her phone

12:32pm- I get an egg salad sandwich at the hospital cafeteria. It was gross :(

12:40pm- Caseworker answers phone. She tells me I can talk to Mom if I'm comfortable and tells me to get the hospital's social worker and have her get things straightened out.

12:45pm- Hospital social worker says she needs to talk to Mom and make sure she's OK with everything. I visit the gift shop and buy Mom a bracelet that says Baby's name then wait in the lobby with a soda and my diaper bag.

Big Gulp, huh? Alright, See ya later!

2:00pm- The social worker calls me to let me know Mom has said goodbye and is packing up now. I can see Baby 5 in 10min.

2:10pm- As I walk down the hall toward the nursery, I see Mom leaving. I inhale to start talking to her and she walks away. I feel like an idiot.

2:11pm- I see a sleeping Baby 5. I'm in love. Nurse Loudmouth says, "Don't touch him! Trust me, don't touch him." I find out he's very irritable in general and has been even more so since his circumcision yesterday. We let him sleep and do the discharge stuff.

2:30pm- Strap Baby 5 into the car seat and leave the hospital

3:00pm- We're home!!! Baby 5 and I get some alone time to snuggle and chat.

4:20pm- First homevisit with Baby 5's caseworker. She drops off his medicaid card and a letter confirming his placement with us. I have high hopes for her- she thought to do the visit today so I wouldn't have to wait all weekend for the paperwork

4:30pm- Grandma and Baby 4 come home to meet 5

Baby 4 is a little disappointed with his baby. He kept wanting to share his toys and food with 5 and wanted to play with him on the floor. He likes being the big brother, but I think he expected his little brother would be more interesting. Good thing the Baby brought home a present for his Big Brother! At our usual new placement Walmart run for formula and diapers, Brandon picked up a couple of craft kits, an Etch-a-Sketch, and a Cars 2 toy. Even though our new baby is kind of a dud, Baby 4 got to explore his new stuff while everyone ooh-ed and ah-ed over 5. It made for one happy Big Brother!

Baby 5 is pretty fussy when he's awake, but he eats well and slept last night from midnight to 7am in the bassinet!! Our family feels balanced right now with both our boys. I'm feeling very thankful.

Oh Baby!

2011-08-18T19:37:00.001-04:00

We got our Hallelujah! The matcher called me today and 1st thing she said was, "I got a newborn"!

He's still in the hospital and he has the test results and side effects that most newborns in care have, but is otherwise healthy.

Baby is brother to our Respite 4. She is 4yrs old now and has been returned to Dad. When she went home (pretty recently) the family that had her put their home on "self hold"- meaning they were taking a break from fostering. That's why they initially didn't come up in the search for a family for this little guy. As the matcher and I were talking and she mentioned Respite 4, I asked about the family because I have a big flippin' mouth and the matcher thought it would only be fair to offer them the placement first. So apparently I missed my calling as a matcher. She told me she would put us down as back up to them and would call me tomorrow to let me know.

I was really glad that she called me back 10 minutes later to say that the other family was not able to take baby and supported us taking his placement. Whoop! Whoop!

So he is in the NICU where Baby 3 was, and I hopefully get to see him soon. The matcher left a message for the caseworker to call us tomorrow, and she'll be the one to give us the go-ahead to visit at the hospital. He should be about ready to go home- he's 3 weeks old, so I guess technically he's not a newborn.

I asked about everything- birth weight, family history, what happens if Respite 4 comes back into care, if the caseworker from Respite 4's case is taking his case as well, what judge they saw for the removal hearing. The matcher filled in every other detail- race, parents history, her opinion on the length and risk of the placement. However, neither of us mentioned HIS NAME! I don't know his name, and since she called me at the end of the business day, she was gone before I called back to ask.

I'm not quite ready to call him 5, but it seems really likely. In foster care anything can happen though, so I'm monitoring my emotions just in case. I will keep updating as I know more!

Stalking Your Matcher 101

2011-08-15T21:32:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd share this month's edition of "Please Give Us A Baby!"

Hello Matcher 1 and Matcher 2-

I'm just checking in to say Hi! We have been very busy getting ready for school with Baby 4. He will be taking a "big boy bus" 5 afternoons/week to preschool in September. He's very excited about bringing his new racecar backpack with him. 4's health has stabilized for now and we haven't had much excitement recently *knock on wood*. His last surgery was a week ago and he did really well. We don't go back until the end of September. There is an interstate compact happening with 4's Relative Resource, so he could be moved to another state but nothing is certain yet. Either way, we're having lots of fun and soaking up the end of summer.

I took the classes to become a MAPP trainer last month, and enjoyed it a lot. Brandon played on a softball league this summer and has been tackling some odd jobs around the house with 4 on his days off. 4 likes to take credit for building our new front steps :)

Our Green bedroom is organized and ready for an occupant. I'm attaching pictures. It has pink accents now, but I'm ready with a blue racecar bed and a can of brown paint just in case :) I still feel that 4 will do best as the oldest child in our home. We would love to take children under 4yrs old, and we are experienced and comfortable with many different special needs including autism spectrum, G tube feeds, premature/ prenatally exposed infants, and most recently tracheotomy care.

I hope to hear from you soon!

Thanks!
Teresa

From what I gather of the foster care matching business, it goes like this:

1- CPS investigates a report of abuse/neglect and decides the child needs placement

2- The matcher gets a small description of the child and their situation and needs to get them a home ASAP

3- They call the first family that pops into their head and is certified for the age and needs of the child.

4- If the families they know offhand are unavailable, they type the child's race, gender, and age into their computer and get a list of homes that are open for children with those characteristics.
5-They start calling down that list.

What I don't know is how our names come up in that list. Maybe alphabetical? Well that stinks for the Zimmerman's, doesn't it?

So the best bet is to be that family who sticks out in the matchers head when they first get the call about a newborn being released from the hospital that day. I do that with my monthly email and stopping into their office whenever I find myself in the Social Services building. I also make it a point to tell other caseworkers that we are open for more placements. When I ran into 2 & 3's caseworker at the visitation center and she said, "You guys were so great to work with!" I said, "And we LOVED working with you! You could always mention us to the matchers, and maybe we'll be on your next case!".

Our certifying caseworker suggests calling the matchers once/ month to keep them thinking of you, but it's awkward for me to do that. I tried once and it came out like this:

Matcher: Hello? Matcher 1, Homefinding team
Me: Hi! This is Teresa Foster Parent.
Matcher: Oh Hi Teresa!
Me: Hi [Crap, I already said that] Uhhh.. I....
Matcher: How is Baby 1?
Me: Good, Good. Really good. He's probably going home soon. We want another placement, uh.. after he leaves... probably soon...
Matcher: click, click, click [That's the matcher typing an email to my caseworker asking if I have special needs] Well, I don't have anything right now, but I'll keep you in mind, mmkay?
Me: Um, well, Ok. We have cribs! And bottles!
Matcher: Right, right sweetie. Bye-Bye!
Me: Bye.

Ok, it wasn't that bad, and it kind of worked because I got the call for baby 2 just nine days later, but it felt that disastrous. It's uncomfortable to call someone and try to sell yourself and still be casual and conversational. So I don't call anymore. Instead I email.

I send out these gems with the intent of being a bit cheesy for 2 reasons: middle aged women love that stuff and it makes us memorable because most other foster parents have too much dignity to send out myspace style snapshots and emails with the subject line "We're too young to be empty nesters!". Judging by the 4 beautiful children they've sent us, I'd say it's working.

So those are my secrets to getting the cute kids. You've got to butter up your homefinding caseworker.

Rapid Fire Posting

2011-08-14T22:20:00.001-04:00

Just a quick apology for the 7,000 posts in one day. I've been typing bits and pieces for the past couple of weeks and I finally got some time today to separate them into posts and publish.

If any of you have seen me in person in the past 2 weeks, you know it's been rough. Baby 4 is giving me a run for my money with these behaviors- lots of whining and sneaking, being rough with the animals, repetitively asking the same questions, going into women's purses, touching people's phones when we're out in public, jumping around like a maniac when we are walking together so I either have to let go of his hand or let him break his arm.

The newest is constantly being concerned with "Next"- he wants more food before he's eaten half of what he has. He asks for another movie before the first one has loaded in the player. When we're playing, he's asking about what we'll play next. If we are going to McDonald's today, he's asking if we are going to the toy store tomorrow. If it's playtime he wants to read a story, if it's story time he wants go outside, if we're outside he wants to eat, if it's snack time he wants to watch a movie.

It's made for some makeup-less bad hair days for me. I don't want to dwell on the negative stuff, but it has to be mentioned.Our kids come to us broken and we can't fix them ourselves. Baby 4 doesn't know that all the stuff he has here will always be there for him. He doesn't know that I will always catch him going in someone's purse because I care about what he's doing. He doesn't know that I can have a conversation with another adult and still keep him safe, so of course he'll act up to get my attention when I'm not solely focused on him. How can he possibly have any security at all when he has been told by relative resource that he is going to live with her? He doesn't understand what's going on! I don't even understand what's going on!

So that's why there was silence here for 2 weeks then a million posts on a Sunday- because I can't handle behavior modification and blogging at the same time. Today was a rainy day, and I let 4 watch 2 movies in a row because it gave me a break to finish a whole thought and write it down. I won't be offended if you don't read everything I posted today. Honestly, I blog more for myself anyway.

I don't know if I've actually shared why I blog, but now is good a time as any. I blog for a couple reasons:
~ To give people a choice about how much they want to know. I am constantly talking about foster care and our experiences, and I never know if the person I'm rambling to really cares. This blog gives me an outlet to vent and lets my friends and family who actually care listen and the ones who don't aren't exposed.
~To document our journey. I've always journaled and kept photo albums, but when I found out you can print your blog int a photo book using Blog2Print I was very excited to have a nice book of our experiences to show my kids as they get older.
~To connect with a community of like-minded foster parents. I have met a lot of foster parents in the real world- some are good, but most annoy me. Either they have different fundamental beliefs about foster care and how children and families should be treated, or they are negative about the agency/system/child/family, or they add foster care into their list of charity work and feel really good about their philanthropy. Sometimes they are just weird. Anyway, I wanted to read about other normal and maybe even Christian people's experiences and offer my own story. I've found some great Foster Moms just like that through their blogs.
~To educate people who have questions. Both people I know in real life and strangers that are considering foster care need answers. I've had so many of my acquaintances say I read your blog, I never knew what foster care really was! Or I never knew you dealt with infertility, I was going through that same thing when you were! The only info I have about strangers that come here are the search engine keywords they use to find me. Blogger tells me how people end up on my blog, and it is usually by typing a phrase into Google. I saw one last week that said, "Does God want me to be a foster parent?". I'm so glad our love story was there to tell that person YES, He does.

So again, I'm sorry for clogging up your newsfeeds and reading lists with my happenings. Thanks for following me though! I love your support and comments!

Ready... Set... ... ...

2011-08-14T15:12:00.003-04:00

I haven't heard anything about maybe baby or gotten any Hallelujah calls in 2 weeks- but in my head it's more like TWO WEEKS! I have a bad case of baby fever and it's taking a lot of strength not to stalk the matchers.

My life with Baby 4 is hectic and full, so I know I sound crazy asking for more BUT right now is our normal and it's not going to change anytime soon. Since I already have to go to the Foster Care Clinic all the time with 4, wake up every 2 hrs overnight to do breath checks, and we have breaks scheduled into our routine every 4hrs for nebulizer treatments- why not add a baby with a similar schedule into the mix? In just three weeks, Baby 4 will be starting preschool which gives me a solid 3 hrs of undivided baby attention everyday. I can't think of a better time to be getting that Hallelujah.

Since there is not a lot I can do to get Baby 5 here any faster except proof read (again) the email I'm sending to the matcher Monday morning, we have been focusing our energy on getting our house as baby ready as possible.

Baby 4 has gotten BIG since coming home in March. He's gone from 28lbs and not even on the chart for percentages to 37lbs- 25% for both height and weight. Am I a terrible Mom for not knowing his height offhand? Probably. Either way, he's too big for his race car toddler bed. I started talking about how awesome big boy beds are and how he would be closer to being a grown up if he slept in one. The day came last week to make the switch. We took everything out of his room so Brandon could steam clean the carpet. I told Baby 4 that he could bring all the big boy stuff back in after the carpet dried. He went back and forth between wanting his race car bed to come back, but in the end he was happy to give it up so he would have room for a papasan chair that we found in the attic (from when Brandon had a man cave now 4's room).

Big Boy Bed, Papasan Chair, and over the door Basket Ball Hoop

4 and his train very excited for their first night as big boys!

The crib was a source of stress for me. We have 2 full cribs, an apartment sized crib, and a bassinet. My thought was to have a crib in each kid room and the apartment sized crib in our room. There was no rationale in it, I think I just like having cribs around. Brandon, being partly a logical person and partly oppositional to my ideas, wanted to take down the cribs in 4's room and our room and set just one crib up in our extra room. His reason was that our county has a two under two rule that would limit us to 2 babies in the house at one time- so we would never need 3 cribs. We're not asking for a sibling set, and even if we got one the likelihood is that the older child would go into a toddler bed. Further, we wouldn't have 4 share a bedroom because of the behaviors he has displayed and the noise of his nighttime machine would make it impossible to hear anything in his room with a baby monitor.

Our One Lonely Crib

Brandon said that we should train any baby that is too big for a bassinet to sleep in their own room anyway since we're not very good at getting them out of our room (Baby 1 &3 were still in our room at 8mo and 1yr when they left). Even if the county called us with triplets tomorrow, how hard would it be to trek up the 8 stairs to the attic and get down the other cribs? Moral of the story is that Brandon was right and we now have one crib set up in Baby 5's room and the bassinet in our room.

Then we moved on to our spare room- soon to be 5's room. It was kind of a tease to have bunk beds set up when we have no intentions of taking a child older than Baby 4, so we took those down. We originally set it up for respite 3 and his 6yr old brother when we thought they would be coming together and often. We ended up only having 3 and he only came twice before going home with his biofamily. We set up the crib and kept the toddler bed in there so we are ready for the call!!

Before- set up for kiddos

After- Ready for Baby (except for the lamp on the floor, I'm working on it)

Don't let the colors fool you, I'm ready with some brown paint and blue race car bed should baby 5 be a boy. Although, we could use some dresses and bby dolls around here.

We're ready and set, now we wait for the county to give us the "GO!"

Dance! Dance!! Dance!!!

2011-08-13T17:42:00.006-04:00

Extracurricular activities are starting soon with the impending start of the school year (September to June here). Our county will reimburse us $350 per year to have the kids in lessons or sports. Their time in care is possibly the only chance our kids might get to be in these types of activities, so I feel it's important that we get them involved.

It is even more important specifically for Baby 4 because he has so much energy, decreased strength from his extended time in a hospital bed, and some flexibility issues because of his scars. Because of the trach, I had to be careful about what activity we chose.

I called a Tae Kwon Do place who told me that the kids only do drills for 3mo before they start to spar- trach hazard. I was so excited when I realized that the only no contact sport that has classes for 4yr old's is.. DANCE!!

I took dance when I was little and I loved it. I still like to think of myself as a dancer even though I have no natural rhythm and I've retained very little skill.

Dancing queen!

I found a great school with a male instructor who didn't bat an eye at 4's trach or scars. He starts a ballet/tap combo class in September! I introduced the idea slowly to 4. We started watching Angelina Ballerina and YouTube clips of children dancing. When I said to 4, "Do you want to go to dance school?" It was a resounding YES!

I was so excited, we registered him that day. I bought his shoes online as well as a Tshirt and gym bag with his school's logo on it. 4 and I were both giddy when the mailman brought them. Brandon put together some spare planks of laminate flooring that we had left over from our playroom makeover so Brandon put them together so 4 could dance in his room. He LOVES it, and I get to be a Dance Mom. YAYY!!

Surgery, Court, and Fear

2011-08-12T16:00:00.019-04:00

One more surgery down for Baby 4- His 4th since he's been with us and we are slowly but surely making progress towards getting that trach out. The Dr initially said they would not even consider taking it out for 2yrs because of having to replace it last time. On Monday, the Dr said his goal is to get it out by early next year!! We go back at the end of September for the next one- sticking to our 6 week schedule. No family involvement at the hospital again which made it simpler for me.

After surgery on Monday was court on Thursday. I waited with Dad for 2.5hrs in the lobby before the case was called. I got to talk to 4's attorney as well as Dad's. They were both really satisfied with 4's placement with us and the visit schedule. When Dad's attorney approached us Dad said, "The foster mom took me to the zoo" even though I was right there, he knows my name, and I didn't take him, he met us there unexpectedly- it was cute he was so excited about bio day . The attorney then told the judge that the foster family has been making it a point to extend visits beyond the scheduled times, so no extra time is being formally requested.

Court was about 20min long. All of the attorneys agreed not to talk about anything importnt that day. We then adjourned until the end of September. There was no talk of how Baby 4 is doing, which kind of gets to me because this judge will be making decisions about where he lives forever and she doesn't even know what his medical care or behavior is like and how much time and attention he requires. So nothing got done, but I got face time with the attorneys and Dad so they can see that I'm on Baby 4's side and hear from me that he's being taken care of properly. The county's attorney walked out of court afterward and stopped to tell me, "I was wondering who you were when you walked into court!" Good, good, way to know your cases.

As I walked out of the court house with the case manager (Foster Care Intake Worker), she told me that Baby 4's case is being moved to foster care management in under 2 weeks and that she will no longer be the case manager. WOO HOO!! I think she meant well, but she made a lot of mistakes and doesn't play well with foster parents (or bios, really). The only thing she said that gave me pause was that there was no guarantee the next caseworker will have the same opinions about relative resource as everyone else in the case. Right now no one wants Baby 4 to move out of state.

No matter what anybody thinks, the judge can send him to her anyway. Our judge is not known for her wisdom and tends to favor maternal biofigures over other options. Having a case manager who supports the relative resource placement will likely result in the placement going through. The law guardian has said she'll be vocal about keeping him here. I don't know how much that really matters though because he will likely never be able to live with his parents, she's family, and we're nothing.

I'm trying to have faith that is stronger than me in this situation, but it's a struggle. Parenting in general gives you so much to fear about: Can they choke on this? Will they fall from that? Are they growing up too fast? Are they playing with too many electronic toys? Are they developing properly? Are they eating enough vegetables? Are they drinking enough milk? Are they allergic to peanuts? Then you add foster care and it's phobia-worthy: Will they stay? Are they attached enough? Am I attached too much? What do they need before they go? Did I tell them none of this is their fault? Did they believe me? Will they still go to college if their parents never finished highschool? Will they know how to love if they've only witnessed violence? Will they remember that Jesus loves them even after they leave? Will their family still take them to therapy? Will they get to talk about their feelings or be taught to hide them? Will they watch endless hours of TV when they are not in daycare? Will anyone notice if they are struggling in school? Will anybody see what the acting out means?

I have to leave all of that with God, but I'm finding it difficult not to keep wandering back to fear and away from the faith that foster care calls for. Faith that God knows what He's doing and that He's had plans to prosper my children all along. Faith that a child can be kept safe in an unsafe environment by the Blood of Jesus. Faith that the children who come into my home are there for a reason, and God has given me the wisdom to see their needs and skill to meet them. Faith to know that God will hold me close even if this doesn't turn out my way.

Bio Day

2011-08-04T19:24:00.005-04:00

Today was a good day. It was challenging for me, but really good for Baby 4. The agency that employs 4's play therapist and his Dad's caseworker held a Zoo day and picnic for their clients. I did not expect Dad to show up at all, I didn't even mention the possibility to 4, especially after Dad didn't say anything to 4 about it at their visit. We were going either way because it was a free day at the zoo. 4 and I were both shocked when we saw Dad sitting at the zoo's entrance when we arrived.

Baby 4 and his Dad watching the penguins

We are at the supervised visitation level and I'm still the only one who could deal with 4's trach in an emergency, so I had to monitor all of their interactions. I am not a fan of that. It makes me feel like in the battle between the county and the parent, I'm on the county's side- and I'm not. I like to picture myself standing with my child while the grown-ups handle the battling. I want to give Dad pictures and updates and let the county tell him what he needs to do (or not do). I want to be the good guy. In this case I get to be the good guy mostly, but it's still uncomfortable.

The longer I'm exposed to foster care, the more compassion I get for bioparents. I know how it feels to have children you love live with someone else by court order. No matter what they've done to that child, it's scary for them to think of all the worse things that could be happening to their baby by the strangers they live with. The media doesn't help - with stories of children abused in foster and adoptive homes. There are at least 3 episodes of Law and Order in my netflix que right now about foster parents killing their children. A bioparent could go crazy with all that filling their heads! It's important to me that I let them know we will treat their children well and that we are just normal people who do normal things everyday. I do that by allowing the parent to call me and speak to their children (when allowed by the court), I keep a communication log in the bag I send on visits with pictures and updates about the children. I make sure to use empowering words when talking about their relationship. I say your son is so musical! Baby 4 told me all about him and Daddy playing basketball at your last visit. It takes competition between the child's two families right out of the equation and puts us on the same side- This is your child, I don't want to replace you. While I've always said those things, it's becoming more true with every case. I don't want to take away the child's bioparents, I want to add a foster family that loves them too. A child can not have too many people that want to claim them as their own.

I want to be able to tell the child we eventually adopt that their parents had every chance and that I was was rooting for them along the way. In foster care, contact between parent and child is vital to reducing the length of placement and minimizing additional trauma to the child in permanency. I have heard several different outcomes that have been improved for all sides because the foster parent has supported the bios. From foster parents having years of ongoing contact with kids after reunification, to parents surrendering their rights because they are confident in the care the foster family will give after adoption.

Now is THE most difficult time I've had with bio family relationships. It's the first case where I've had a parent who could not have done anything to prevent the child's placement and is unable to get the child out of care. It's also the first time I've had a parent who made a conscious choice that I will never understand. All our previous cases have been about the parents priorities, there was never direct intention to harm the child. They are the first parents that have been younger than us, and it adds a different dimension that we've never experienced before. We find ourselves fostering them as well. When I bring out a juice box for 4, I bring out a juice box for the parent. I interpret everything the Dr says about 4's medical condition and explain the educational plan as many times as needed.

The biofamilies I've worked with are not fulfilling any stereotypes. They are not scary or homeless. They are dressed appropriately and mostly speak articulately. Also, every single one of our cases have had BioDads that were involved and working the case plan. Babies 1-3 reunited with their Dad having full custody of them. I have never had a Mom work a case plan or reunite with her children. 2/3 of the parents we've had were in their late 30's. I think the stereotype is that kids in care have young single Moms who are trying their best- that just hasn't been our experience.

Bioparents are not to be feared, they are very often fearful themselves. I know that many foster families (ourselves included) have been apprehensive about contact with bios. I have found out there are several ways for a determined bio to find out anything they want about me. My full name appears on court papers, WIC

I never use my last name when dealing directly with the family. I encourage cell phone calls/texts, but do not give out my home number. I'm not super secretive about our vehicles. I give vague approximations of our address like, "We're 10 minutes from the visitation center and 5min from school". I give pictures of the children in their bedrooms and I talk about our extended family and our dogs. So far we haven't had a parent use our information inappropriately.

All of this is for the benefit of our children. When they see us interacting positively with their parents, it boosts their self worth. If I respect where you come from, I respect you. It also gives them permission to love both sets of parents. When bios and fosters look like a united front to the child, then there is no pressure to choose sides or be loyal. 4 is very open- telling me he misses Daddy and Daddy is his favorite because he knows that I'm OK with that. Supporting his attachment to his biofamily builds our attachment and helps us bond.

So while today was uncomfortable, I told Dad's caseworker that I am open to doing more outings like this one because I feel like it's the right thing to do for 4 and his family.

I'm a MAPP Trainer

2011-08-01T12:33:00.001-04:00

Friday was my last MAPP Train The Trainer Class. I even got a diploma. So now my county can call me to co-lead the next 10 week training for perspective foster parents. Pretty exciting!

Also exciting is that after my call the previous week about the maybe baby we are being considered for in another county, I sat down in training Monday morning next to the Matcher from that county. I mentioned to her that my homestudy was sent over for him and she was willing to share some details about his story. We talked for a couple of minutes before she asked me my last name and county. She said she would look for our homestudy when she got back to office. She told me they received a lot of homestudies for several counties for him, so I knew not to get my hopes up. We went the whole week joking and chatting and the baby never came up. On Friday, though, as we were leaving she said, "Hey, I'll make sure your homestudy gets consideration for the baby. I'll call you!". That really doesn't mean anything, I know, but it's better than what our matcher said, "You may never hear anything about this baby again if they pass you up for him.". Maybe God's working a miracle. Maybe I need to have faith that this baby is ours and pray for him to come to us quickly. I've been thinking and praying that he will get where he belongs very soon, but I didn't let myself really think he could be matched with us. Honestly, I'm still not thinking that, but if you could have that faith and pray for us, I would so appreciate it.

I emailed my homefinding caseworker to let her know everything I found out. She said she was on vacation when our homestudy was pulled and sent, but a senior caseworker looked through it and added an addendum that highlights our skills and experience that specifically relate to this case.

The funniest thing about this situation is that on reason we chose foster care over other adoption options because we wanted to avoid this matching process where you get all worked up just have it fall through.

Lots Of Talk For Little Action

2011-07-29T21:36:00.000-04:00

This month we had the Service Plan Review for Baby 4, Family Court hearing, and Preschool meeting for Baby 4. Nothing super exciting happened, but it gave us a clearer picture of where his case is going and the speed it's getting there.

In our county, foster parents are encouraged to attend Service Plan Reviews for the children in our home. The caseworkers are required to give written notice of these meetings 10 days in advanced to everyone invited to participate. Was I surprised when I received a phone call 6 days before the SPR? Not really, there have been so many mistakes made in 4's case, what's one more? The caseworker said, "You probably won't be able to make it on such short notice..." Oh, no. You're not talking about my son without me there. I informed her I would most certainly be there with bells on.

Not only was I not told in enough time, but the next day after my call, Dad was notified of the meeting at his weekly visit- 5 days before when the rule is clearly 10days prior notice. I wrote the case manager a cute email asking him to clarify the rule for me because I thought I was supposed to get a written notice 10days before the SPR, not a phone call 6 days before... I said, I must have been mistaken... and I CC'd his supervisor, my caseworker, my caseworker's supervisor, President Obama, everyone I could think of that might be able to to figure out why we can't just do things the right way for once.

At a Service Plan Review, everyone involved with the case comes together and assesses where we are at and what needs to be done to reach the goal for the child (reunification, adoption, independent living, etc). The goal for every child initially is reunification, and that is still 4's goal. The only people who were invited bust didn't show were 4's parents. This is unfortunate in his case because they are really the people who benefit from these meetings. With Baby 2 & 3 the SPR was the caseworker, Dad, third party reviewer, and me. The third party reviewer is person who has no connection to the case. They are there to make sure that the standard questions all get answered and she records what was said. Since she's not familiar with the case, she also asks questions for clarity that often help gets information out in the open.

At this particular SPR, I sat with the foster care caseworker, CPS investigator, CPS team supervisor, 2 county lawyers, 4's play therapist, Dad's service coordinator (or caseworker? I'm not sure), 4's lawyer, and the 3rd party reviewer. We went around the room and introduced ourselves, "Hi, I'm Teresa, Foster Mother for 4". Then the CPS investigator gave a summary of why 4 came into care and what legal reasons we have to keep him in care now. Then he asked me to tell the group about how 4 is doing medically, emotionally, and behaviorally. 4's therapist gave a brief description of what they've been doing (and took some credit for what I've been doing, just saying), Dad's service coordinator gave an update on what he's doing and asked some questions about foster care procedure. Then we all gave our 2 cents about relative resource. The take away from the whole meeting was that nothing is being done anytime soon for 4 in the courts and we don't know what will happen when there is movement in the case.

The week after the SPR was court. I was at MAPP training, so Brandon went to this. Court was scheduled for 2pm. Our city closes the courthouse at 4:30 instead of 5:30 now since some budget cutbacks. At 4:27 the case was called and just adjourned until August 11th because it would simply be awful to make the judge work overtime. Never mind the 2 and a half hours 4's parents and Brandon sat in the lobby- Such is foster care.

Last week, was 4's Committee for Preschool Special Education meeting. At this meeting there was a representative from our school district, a teacher from our school district, a representative from the team that tested 4, a parent of a child with special needs in our district, the foster care caseworker, and me. My education and work background is in Preschool Education, so I have an idea about how these things work, although I've never actually sat in one of these meetings. Pretty much it's a show down to the death between the parents who want services for their kids and the school district who wants to save money any way possible.

In 4's case, there was an educational surrogate assigned by the school district who was at the meeting to advocate for his best interest. The school district chose to assign that title to the woman who was also the parent rep at the meeting. The educational surrogate gets to sign off on what services we decide are best for 4. The problem with this is she doesn't know 4- like hasn't ever seen his face. Foster parents are usually the Educational Surrogates for their kids, but since 4 has been with me less than 6months, I was not eligible to fill this role. Apparently I don't know what he needs since we haven't been together 6mo, but this other person can figure him out by reading his evaluation. The school district says they almost never assign an educational surrogate because kids don't usually get evaluated until after they've been in foster care longer than 6 months. Here is the Public Service Announcement section of my post:

Dear Fellow Foster Parents,
Please get your children tested for Early Intervention Services as soon as you see a possible delay. The testing and services are free. Even if the child doesn't end up needing therapy, you'll know at what age level they fall for speech, cognitive ability, and large/ small motor skill. The earlier theses service are in place, the faster your child can catch up to age level. It doesn't take 6 months to figure out that a 2 yr old is non verbal, or that your 4yr old can't climb steps. Having a child in your home for over 6 months without getting them the help they qualify for is just as neglectful as what some of their parents have been accused of.
Thank you,
Teresa

Moving on- We get to the CPSE meeting and everybody gets a chance to say what they want about 4's abilities. The district rep who was chairing the meeting puts up the first offer:

District Rep- 5 days universal preK in a public school with Speech done in our home- n transportation.
Evaluation Team Rep- Has concerns about his medical needs and some other stuff. What about 5 day universal preK in a public school with a nurse and special ed/speech in class.
Caseworker- Why not an integrated class?
District Rep- 4 needs the least restrictive setting and he could do alright in regular school.
Educational surrogate - He needs role models to catch up and the typical kids in public school will help him catch up.
Me- 4 is behind cognitively, his speech is hard to understand, he has visible scars and a trach, he makes animal noises when he is overwhelmed. Putting him in a typical public school setting would set him up for social isolation and behavioral acting out. If he were in a special needs classroom, he would likely be the highest functioning child in the class and he would be the lowest in a typical class. Having him in an integrated setting would allow him to be right in the middle. He wouldn't be the only kid who needs help and he would have typically developed kids to play with as his social skills increase.
Teacher rep- In my professional opinion it would be appropriate to have him in an integrated classroom getting Special Ed 5 days/week and speech 3days/ week with a bus to and from school
District Rep- I agree, we have a public school with an integrated class like that and if 4 does well he could still move to the typical class without having to change schools.
Me- What if he is returned to his parents and they live in a different school district? He would have to be moved to another school. If we put him in a private setting, he could be bussed there no matter where he is living.
Educational Surrogate- There is no plan of him moving to his parents
Caseworker- Anything is possible
District Rep- Then I think we all agree. 4 will be at the private school 5days/week, with speech 3days/week and he will be transported by the district. His target start date will be September 12th.

Whew! That's perfect! Exactly what 4 needs to get caught up so he has the best chance of starting Kindergarten in typical class with minimal services.

So after 15 miles of travel and 5hrs of meetings/ waiting for court, we know that 4 is in foster care and preschool. Seems efficient, right? Ha! Welcome to Foster Care.

Grief

2011-07-25T09:58:00.003-04:00

During MAPP training, we talk about the stages of grief. The grief that our kids experience, the grief that their parents experience, and all the behaviors that suddenly make sense when you remember that they are trekking along the stages of grief. Things like the honeymoon period when kids seem like they are attaching and they are behaving beautifully (shock), or the aftermath when they turn into hellions (bargaining- I'll be so bad, they'll hate me and send me home), or when they are aggressive or start fires, or their parents make false allegations about the foster parents (anger anyone?). Then there is depression- parents missing visits, kids overeating or not eating at all. Finally- acceptance- when the parent starts working the case plan or surrenders or starts focusing on the child instead of how much they hate the caseworker, system, and foster parents. Acceptance- When a 7yr old finally potty trains or a teenager starts making friends. Every family we connect with through foster care falls under one of these stages since foster care is essentially loss and grief.

Generally I think that most psychological stereotypes are annoying and inaccurate. I don't like being read or analysed according to some half baked theory written by a human when I know healing comes from God. BUT- I was very surprised by how neat and in order my grief when losing my babies fit into these stages. I thought I would share:

Shock/Denial- "They're not actually going to go home. Look at everything that's going on with the biofamily! They can't possibly add 2 more kids to that mix. If they do go home, they'll be back. They're coming back to me, this won't last."

Bargaining- "I'm still going to see them all the time. If I just give presents, and rides, and free babysitting they'll let us see them. It's not like they're really gone"

Anger- "How would they let my boys live like that?! This is we have juvenile delinquents, because we let kids live in homes with criminal parents and no supervision. They could have been anything they wanted, they could have had every opportunity they deserve, but now they will have to fight for everything they get.The system rips kids away from healthy, loving, stable homes- THE ONLY HOME THEY KNOW- and gives them to a person who hasn't changed anything since losing their kids in the first place!"

Sadness/Depression- "I'll just have to keep my distance and protect myself next time. I'm probably not going to love the next kid as much as them anyway." While I compulsively cry over their baby books and look up their family on facebook to see any new pictures of them. I cried everyday for an entire month and I still don't go a full day without being sad over some aspect of their leaving.

Acceptance/Understanding- I will let you know when I get there. I know this place exists because I don't think about Baby 1 everyday anymore. Losing him was awful. I remember it being worse than losing Babies 2 & 3. However, I can just remember the sadness, I don't feel the intensity of those emotions any more. With 2 & 3, every memory brings back the full force of emotion I was feeling as it happened. Now when I see pictures of Baby 1, I only think of the good times with him, not the sadness without him.

Then there is developmental grieving, which is when something happens in your life that triggers your loss ad sends back in your grieving process. Remember how I've accepted losing Baby 1? A little story:

I was so excited when we got that call for respite 8. Three weeks of baby smell, and baby toes, and baby cheeks was exactly what I needed. When he came to us, I was pleasantly surprised by how well he fit into our family and routine. Everyone was taken with him. Brandon and I were in love. Even my parents were smitten, which is unusual for them and our respites. Our family doesn't generally attach to the kids who come for just a short time. My Mom was over the moon for 8 and my Dad would call and make sure he was OK. At first I chalked it up to him being adorable and a pretty long respite placement (19 days), but we've had cute kids stay that long before without getting so connected. It was weird.

Baby 1- 7.5months old

Respite 8- 7.5moths old

On the last night of his placement, I put all 8's clothes in the wash so I could send everything back clean. I dug out some PJ's that we had for him to sleep in. As I held him in the pajamas that were initially bought for Baby 1, it hit me like a ton of bricks- Respite 8 was the spitting image of Baby 1. He is the exact same age as 1 was when he left. They both have crazy curls on top of their heads and 2 bottom teeth. They both love the exersaucer and giggle all the time. They have the same nose and are big for their age. I held sleeping respite 8 for over an hour and cried exactly the same way I had cried the day 1 left. This grieving stuff is no joke.

Baby 1 loves the exersaucer

Respite 8 loves the exersaucer

The most commonly heard phrase among foster parents from outsiders is, "I could never do that!". I could never give a baby back! I'd get too attached! I don't know how you do it! This is how we do it. We grieve. We cry and scream and stare into space. We don't back down because it's hard. We know the joy outweighs the pain. There aren't any foster care-super hero-ninja tricks to avoid loss, you have to hit it head on. As soon as you get where you can't take anymore, you do it again- because it's worth it!

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -Annie the movie

My Kid's A Brat

2011-07-24T20:12:00.002-04:00

After cruelly making Baby 4 clean up his toys all by himself *GASP!*

Then enforcing his regularly scheduled bedtime *WHAT?!*

My 4yr old turned all teenager on me and said,

"I don't love my house anymore!"

*OUCH*

I know Baby 4 was really trying to show me how unfair and awful I am

But it was music to my fostering ears

Listen closer

"I don't love MY house anymore"

It is his house

And while he certainly doesn't love it anymore

(Who could blame him; I'm really quite the tyrant)

He loved it before getting in trouble

My kid's a brat

But he's MY brat

And he lets me live in his house

Train The Teresa

2011-07-23T23:15:00.000-04:00

When we recertified this year, part of our home visit focused on the training we had done during the last year and how we felt about the choices that were offered. Our county does a lot of great in-service trainings on a variety of topics. This year I took Sexual Abuse training that was 12 hrs and very eye opening. Brandon took 12hrs of Shared Parenting. I also took a class called Parenting the traumatized child that was 4hrs and a legal training that was done by an adoption attorney and focused on laws regarding rights of foster and adoptive parents- that was 3hrs but I could have sat and listened to her for 12hrs. Brandon and I also attended a conference for fost/adopt parents that had workshops about Fostering Fatherhood, Vicarious Trauma, and The Road to Permanence. Our county didn't host this conference and it really wasn't worth the time- very basic, I could have read all the info in a leaflet.

When we gave the run down of all that, our homefinding caseworker suggested taking the upcoming "Train the Trainer" class to become certified to lead the MAPP training that foster parents have to take to get licenced for foster care. She said that generally the foster parent trainers have more years experience, but we have had all kinds of cases and respites in the our 2yrs and have enough experience to share. I was so excited at the idea of being able to to prepare perspective foster and adoptive parents for the journey they are about to travel!! In our county, every MAPP class has 2 caseworker trainers (who also do the homestudies) and 1 foster parent trainer teaching the class. So I expected Train the Trainer to be mainly foster parents from our county.

When I first walked into the class, my first surprise was how many materials were involved in this training! Three 2" binders and a 1/2" binder that was FULL of information, 2 VHS tapes, 2DVD's, and a set of charts was supposed to fit in this cute tote that they gave us. The second surprise was that this was not a county training, but a state training. It also wasn't for foster parent trainers, but the agency workers as well. Out of our class of 22 people- 5 were from my county, 3 were from my agency, 4 were foster parents, and 5 had taken MAPP as a student before coming to get certified to teach. I felt a little unqualified to be sitting with caseworkers and matchers, but I also felt like I had such a different view on the material that I could be an asset to these classes. The agency workers have no idea what foster parents go through and the sacrifice they are really asking for when they approve our homestudy and send us kids. I'm so glad that our county includes foster parents as trainers in these classes.

The classes themselves were very interesting. llllllllloooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg, but interesting. We did Tuesday through Friday 9am-4:30pm, had this week off, and go back on Monday for a full week of 9-4:30. We went through the meetings that we would be teaching, how to assess (and get prospective parents to assess) their strengths and needs, how to facilitate a group of adult learners, and the criteria that is used for "mutual selection" when "selecting in" or "out" of becoming a foster parent. I think it hysterical that we can't say screened out, or denied, or Heck No!! when someone doesn't qualify for foster care. Instead we have to get them to see their needs and help them choose to "select out" of the program. But I digress..
I love hearing people from other counties talk and discovering how different policies can be from agency to agency. Some caseworkers were talking about trying to get foster parents to do training. The lady sitting next to me said that her agency increases the foster parents' daily stipend if they go to trainings. Really?! My agency just won't recertify you if you skip your hours. There was also a homefinder from a county I had never heard of that said they have a policy to have bioparents accompany their children to the foster home upon removal. They meet the foster parents and see where the child will sleep that day. I think that is so crazy! I have never shared my address with any of our kids' parents and my agency lets me decide to even give my phone number. I have to think that all sorts of safety concerns arise from this policy, and I'm glad I don't foster there!

A part of this training was preparing self-disclosures. Stories from your life that relate to the material and make you more human and equal in the eyes of the group. Clearly, self-disclosure is something I'm pretty comfortable with as displayed all over this blog. The trainers we had when we were getting MAPP certified were so good at making their stories feel natural and unrehearsed. It is surprising to know how much thought and scripting is involved for a casual heart to heart. We were asked on our self-disclosure worksheet something that we are not comfortable sharing in the group. I'm uncomfortable sharing how far I push the envelope when it comes to sharing foster care details online. Let's keep that between us :)

So all in all, this has been a great experience for me and I'm getting a lot of good material for posts!! Once I'm certified, I will be ready to co-lead a 10 week MAPP class for Foster/ Adoptive Parents in my county.

End It On A High Note

2011-07-22T22:15:00.000-04:00

"You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers." Psalms 30:11 (Msg)

The Little Engine That Could

"Teresa! Watch Me Sleep!"

Preemie Clothes

On the bottom shelf- Just in case

Orange Jello Concoction- looks like barf but tastes delicious

Air conditioned bedroom set at a frosty 68 degrees

MAPP Homework started

I responded to the email and did Such & Such

"I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11

Bad Day Crankiness

2011-07-22T15:30:00.000-04:00

I don't know if any of you have noticed, but it's been kind of hot out. Like over 100 degrees and humid hot. The sauna that is Upstate NY right now sets the stage for my current terrible mood.

Baby 4 has entered the "Watch this!" stage which is unfortunate because he hasn't left the "Why?" stage. My days are filled with "Teresa! Watch this!", "See?", while he drives his car or jumps around like a ninja. Then when the car crashes or he lands on his bottom after a cartwheel attempt he says, "Why did I do that?". I know this is normal and developmentally appropriate, but it's stressing me out.

Baby 4's caseworker, our school district's special education representative, and I have been playing phone tag all week to get everything set for his preschool meeting next week. Somewhere during all that, the ~~law guardian~~ attorney for the child got involved, and so this has become a big deal for no reason. He just needs to be enrolled in preschool darn it!

We've had 2 Dr appts, 1 Dad-visit, 2 relative resource calls, a compression garment fitting, nursing, and a homevisit this week. I.AM.EXHAUSTED.

I have MAPP training homework due Monday that I haven't even started.

I have started nesting for Baby 5. Even though I've shut down all positive feelings I could have about this maybe-baby, I still cleaned like a maniac all morning just in case.

Since it was a thousand degrees out, I sat in the pool with 4 and we played a couple of rounds of "Watch this!", "Look at me!".

I know I look like I have a 4yr old, but I don't. He's a baby. He has the attachment of a baby, he has the social skills of a baby (stare at faces and smile). I can't leave him with a sitter, his behavior regresses and I don't trust anyone to care for his medical needs. If he would fit in a Moby wrap, I would strap him to my chest where ever I went because that's what he needs. NO.ONE.GETS.IT.

Parenting a 4yr old is hard. Any 4yr old- they're kind of a pain. It's even more difficult when the newborn -3yr old parenting has to be done simultaneously. I'm working to get Baby 4 to see me as the person who is safe and meets his needs. I want him to come to me when he needs comfort or food. I'm teaching him that Moms are for love and not fear. I'm also teaching him about respecting adults and what kind words sound like. I'm teaching him that we don't always have to go first and that it's OK to be angry, but not OK to make angry faces at people. I'm doing 4 yrs of parenting at once and some of my messages conflict with his former parenting and with his budding independence.

So all of this hit me this morning the second my eyes opened, and I've been off my game all day.

Then I check my email and I got this from someone at one of my volunteer commitments: (excuse my paraphrase) Hey, So & So told me that Such and Such responsibility hasn't been done yet this week. Perhaps you could get on that.

I couldn't even respond. I have been very honest with everyone about the situation my family is in- including So & So. I don't keep them updated to the minute because that gets old. Baby 4 is always getting sick and going to the hospital, there is always a new baby or a respite baby coming in or going out of my house, I always have a thousand things happening on the same day. There is always court and relative drama. GIVE.ME.SOME.SLACK.

Then I think about other women who have new babies or have bio-kids that get sick and are in the hospital. No one would EVER be sending them an email like that. No one would expect them to be doing anything other than care for their family.

In the past 5 months I have lost 2 children, brought a new baby home, had him hospitalized twice, buried a loved one, and been in the Emergency Department 4 times. I maintained all of my outside responsibilities and I feel expected to perform the same as before all this happened because these children are from foster care and not my own body.

I am tired, and hot, and I need a day off. I also need a polite way step down from Such & Such because there are bigger fish to fry in my house at the moment. So I decided to blog about it. I guess misery really does love company. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Going Crazy!!!

2011-07-21T13:01:00.001-04:00

Just got a Hallelujah call!!! BUT there is no baby 5 yet... A county next to ours has a newborn boy whose mother surrendered him this week. There is no known father and a high likelihood that any prospects will not come forward. The condition to the surrender is a yearly letter and pictures sent to her county DHS. The baby tested clean, but Mom admitted to using several substances during the pregnancy. He was born 4 wks premature, but is doing well now.

His county asked our county for the homestudies of several families who could be his adoptive placement. Our county sent 5 families and WE ARE ONE!!!

The matcher said that she doesn't know if there are other counties sending over 5 of their families as well, so there may be a lot of competition. She said we could find out if we are his family by next week, or not for several weeks, or we could get passed up and never hear anything at all. OK... like I'm sane enough to handle this.

So am I excited? Nervous? Anxious? I have no clue.

My Wish For You

2011-07-17T20:40:00.001-04:00

I am completely aware that I am obsessive when it comes to my kids and foster care and how my life revolves around both. I am constantly analysing and advocating services I think would benefit us, Baby 4, his parents, relative resource, the man strolling down the side walk- there really is no boundary to my advocating. My two most recent missions have been getting Baby 4 compression garments to minimize his scars and getting him special ed preschool services.

The compression garment portion of this post is strictly venting. When I met baby 4 in March, there was a big debate between the Drs on his medical team as to whether he needed recontructive surgery since some of his scars (they were wounds then) stretch over joints. Their focus was on making sure 4 would have full range of motion now and as he gets older. The Dr that won out said to have 4 doing physical therapy daily to increase that range of motion instead of surgery citing that surgery could always be done if the less invasive way didn't produce the desired effect. We went through all the physical therapy and his range of motion is good, but his scarring is getting thicker as it heals. The medical team had mentioned compression garments and the physical therapist really pushed to have these for 4 ASAP. I started advocating with the medical team who said to wait until all the open areas had healed before pursuing the compression garments. It was late April before 4 was completely bandage-free and May 10th before I had a prescription for these things. When I went to the vendor who makes them, he tells me that it takes 6-8 weeks to get Medicaid preapproval. Couldn't we have done that while waiting for the wounds to heal? 9 weeks later, I hadn't heard from the vendor. Fast forward several calls, a surprise visit to the vendor, getting 2 Drs and the caseworker We have just now gotten Medicaid pre-approval to get FITTED for these garments. AHHH!!!! We're headed over to the vendor tomorrow. 4 will have to wear stockings from waist to toes and one glove from fingers to elbow 23hrs/day for 1 year. Hopefully the increased scarring from the last 3 months will not require surgery. My wish for Baby 4 is no more scars and no more surgery, but plenty more years of running, jumping, and playing ball.

While Baby 4's medical issues are largely out of my control (although I still try), I am in a position of influence when it comes to his academic progress. 4 has finished his preschool early intervention testing and we are now waiting for the school district to have a committee on special education meeting to determine what services they will provide for him. The general rule is that a 25% delay in one area or a 15% delay in three areas would qualify a child for special education services. Right now, Baby 4 is testing 11 months behind his age in 2 areas and has the speech therapist who did his testing pushing for services because he tested at age level for speech, but she was able to that his practical use of language is lacking. He has the skills, but his behavior doesn't support his ability. Everyone of the evaluators assessed that 4 is quite bright and his delays seem to be a mixture of trauma and lack of initial exposure. I agree whole heartedly. So what are we going to do about it? I am reviewing ABC's, colors, shapes, and animal sounds every day. I am counting out loud everything we see all day long. I am documenting everything he does looking for a new pattern or reason for his behavior. I am reading as many books as he'll sit through. What I can't do is make him speak clearly (or even in English) to other people or approach a child his age with any kind of acceptable social skill. It's not for lack of trying, it's for lack of people around him who don't coddle the hurt baby with a trach (talking to you Grandma and Papa). He needs to be with kids who function typically and teachers who meet him at 3yr old level. He needs an integrated preschool program. We have several very good classrooms just like this just minutes from my house. None of them want Baby 4 because of his trach. The school district doesn't want to pay for a private duty nurse. My wish for 4 is to catch up this year academically, get his trach out, and start Kindergarten typically functioning and completely blended in with his peers.

More than my wishes for services and apparatus's, are wishes for healing and happiness. I wish that baby 4 has many days where he wakes up and goes about his day without thinking about being in foster care or being injured. I want him to just be Baby 4 and have fun like every other 4 year old boy. I needed a win for him this week. I needed to get the pressure garments, or get word about a co-op preschool who welcomes kids with medical needs. Instead I got something much better. I took 4 to a splash park this week and watched my son fill and empty a water bottle for 40min. Just running around, making mud like every other 4yr old boy. No foster care, no injuries- just water play and mud pies. That's my wish for Baby 4.

Pride in New York

2011-07-15T23:12:00.001-04:00

Foster Care has challenged me in every single way I could have ever imagined. It has tested my faith, marriage, sanity, and friendships. Foster Care has even tested the durability of our dining room set (which Brandon has added extra support to since we've had kids). Foster Care drains all of my time and talent and constantly requires me to be better than what I was sure is my best. It also calls me out on my flaws- like my resistance to change. Foster Care has most definitely put a spotlight on a bit of a pride problem I have. I don't think prideful is a word that people would use to describe me, and I'm only recently becoming aware of it myself. Let me tell you- its not attractive.

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6 ESV

My first collision of foster care and selfish pride was with Baby 1 at our first WIC appt. WIC is a federal food program that gives vouchers for food and formula. To collect these vouchers, you need to go to an office and wait with other women while county workers shuffle papers and make assumptions. See, only the person who actually prints your vouchers knows your situation. They are the only one who looks up your child's info on the computer screen and sees that your income or marital status has no bearing on the child's eligibility. While I consider myself a very loving and understanding person who chats with the Mom next to me without judgement of her collecting WIC, I am very uncomfortable with people assuming that I have children that I can not provide for and must rely on assistance. It's ridiculous, really, because I know that people with average incomes can qualify for WIC and there is nothing wrong with taking advantage of a program that you legitimately qualify for. I just get all embarrassed and try to fight the urge to tell everyone I meet at a WIC appt that I am a foster parent. Pride and ego rule my thoughts when that is God's territory. While I understand and fight to surrender that to Him, the thought of that first appt creeps into my mind: I'm getting all the documentation needed and handing it in. The lady checking me in says, Who is the proxy on the checks? I said, "Umm..Just me I guess" Rude WIC lady says, "So there's no Dad?" Of course there's a Dad! Of course I'm married! AND he has a job! We don't need your pity vouchers with a side of judgemental glances! We are foster parents! We help abused and neglected kids!

"Better to be ordinary and work for a living than act important and starve in the process."
Proverbs 12:9

If I thought getting the checks was humbling enough, I can't even begin to tell you how my pride rears it's ugly head at the grocery store when using them. No one there knows the difference between foster parents and other WIC clients. I especially get embarrassed when I have my WIC purchases of baby food, rice cereal, and formula sitting on the counter in front of salmon, steak, pre-made sushi, or soda. I know I'm fulfilling someone's preconceived prejudice of people using the system or making poor choices. It's at those times that I wish I was wearing a "I love being a Foster Mom" Tshirt.

"He has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate" Luke 1:52

A little back story: Baby 4 has medical needs that qualify him for an overnight nurse. We were unable to locate a nurse for him in our area, so I pushed to have the Dr sign off on him being discharged from the hospital with just me doing his overnight care. This has worked well, and I have been able to properly care for him. Back to the post:

My most recent battle with pride happened at Baby 4's preschool evaluation. In the past 2 months I have taken 4 to emergency twice, and I was using that to explain to the school's social worker that while 4 requires very little care, he also requires close supervision because his condition can become severe very quickly for a variety of reasons. The social worker, who I imagine was trying to save the school district some money, suggested I pursue the overnight nurse that would be paid by Medicaid and have that nurse also accompany 4 to preschool. I told her of our difficulty in finding a nurse and said I am comfortable not having a nurse in our home. I reminded her that the school district is responsible for providing a school setting with appropriate medical interventions for 4 and gave my opinion that 4 would be fine as long as a school nurse was in the building, but not necessarily right next to him. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Teresa, I understand that you want to do everything for 4, but look at what's happened because you didn't have a nurse.". EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Do you know who I am? Do you know what I've done for that baby?!?!?! Do you know that I check on him every 2 hours all night long?!?! Do you know that the issues he was hospitalized for had nothing to do with his care (or lack of), but are common complications of having a trach?!?!?! Do you know the only thing in this room larger than your lack of social grace is my ego?!?!?! Clearly she didn't.

"One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor."
Proverbs 29:23

"For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.". Galatians 6:3ESV

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom." Proverbs 11:2 ESV

I've been playing a memory verse game with Baby 4 every night before bedtime. I always go through how much I love him, Brandon loves him, Mommy and Daddy love him, relative resource loves him, Grandma and Papa love him, and God loves him. I say, "Do you know what God says about you?", and we go through our memory verses: I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am strong and courageous. God did not make me fearful, He gave me a heart to love, muscles for power, and a brain for strong mind. God knew me when I was still in Mommy's tummy. I want 4 to be confident in the identity that has been set for him by God. I want him to know that no matter what others say or think, no matter what circumstances arise- He has value and worth. If God wants that for my son, I can imagine He wants me to get a hold of it too.

Today is the day I'm getting over myself. I'm not saying I'm looking forward to my next WIC appt or rude comment. I do know, however, that those will come and I don't have to worry about what that person's judgement of me is. Regardless of what someone thinks of me- my God gives me value and worth. He knows my situation, effort, and intentions. Thank you foster care for showing me my flaws... again.

What Foster Care Means To Me

2011-07-08T18:38:00.000-04:00

I've been working on some interesting stuff for the blog. Really, lots of craziness and updates here. But let's be serious, this is what foster care is all about:

Happy Friday!!

All Possibility, No Certainty

2011-07-01T19:30:00.001-04:00

This week has been super fun and crazy busy. We have Baby 4, Respite 2, and Respite 8. They are all fitting in well together. While these next few weeks are jam packed with trainings, service plan reviews, preschool testing, and court- I'm enjoying every minute with these 3 cuties.

Baby 4 has been such a big helper, and has increased in his usual request of having, "2 babies and 2 boys" to having "5 babies and 2 boys". I have been very intentional about making him the star of this week. I tell him all the time that he is my favorite, and that I'm so happy to have a big boy in our family. He thinks it's so funny when I say, "Oh 4!! These babies make me do so much work! Giving them bottles and changing their diapers makes me so tired! When are they going to be big like you?!". Brandon also made a big deal of having a big boy day with 4 and taking him to see Cars 2.

I called our caseworker on Tuesday to let her know how much we are enjoying Respite 8 and how he has reinforced my desire for a baby. Her response? "Yeah, I actually thought of you guys when he came into care last month." WhAt?!?!?!??!?! We were skipped over for him?! She went on to explain that his case was pretty clear cut and he would be reuniting with his Mom very soon and it would be hard for us to have such a short placement. I agreed and I get it, but it's a little unnerving to know someone else decided against letting us add to our family- even temporarily- especially since his foster care placement is expected to be about 8weeks long and we're doing respite for 3 weeks. How are we to emotionally engaged to do 8 weeks, but not 3? hmmm... I guess I don't like being aware that there are people sitting at desks in an office building making big decisions for my family.

Speaking of big decisions about our family- I think we're being considered for another baby. Our county has all the kids in care go to the county foster care clinic. All of my kids have regularly seen nurse practitioners, but there is one pediatrician who is technically the Dr for all the kids in care. When we were there last week with Baby 4, the Dr stopped me in the hallway and says, "Your name came up in a meeting today." She told me about a one yr old who has severe congenital defects and very low function. She said that although he's 1yr, he functions like a newborn and needs a lot of medical care. The Dr said he'll be coming into care soon and we were being looked at for his placement. She said that we were her recommendation. My caseworker hasn't heard about him yet, so who knows what will happen.

Some of the considerations that we would have to make before accepting another medically frail child would be:

Can he travel in the car?

How many surgeries/ hospitalizations are expected?

How much nursing/ therapies does he need weekly?

What is the expected bio-parent visit schedule? Do I have to be present for those? (I have to be in the building for 4's visits because nobody there is proficient in his care)

Do we expect his condition to improve over time, or is there a poor prognosis?

This is where life with foster care perks up. We're coming back from the black hole of "goodbye", made it through the rocky road of a new case, climbed the mountain of new caseworker style and information, and navigated through the detour signs of relative resources. Now we can be happy- knowing we are living our calling and enjoying this stage of our family. It gets even better from here as we are continually getting better at reading Baby 4's cues and needs, and he gets better at being open with his hopes and feelings. Even though I'm looking forward to the next Hallelujah call, it's not that urgent, "I don't want to be alone" feeling. It's a peaceful, something good is going to happen feeling. I cherish the memories I have when we were in this phase with Baby 1 and then 2 & 3. It's exciting to know this time will be on my list of favorites forever.

Baby 4 ducking on the caterpillar ride at the festival

I have no idea what's in store for our family. I don't know what would have been if Respite 8 was Baby 5. It's a toss up if we will get a call for the precious baby with the broken heart. I could be writing to you next week about our new sibling group of 4 or it could be months before I hear the matcher's voice again. Anything is possible, nothing is certain, and everything has been planned by my God, who knew our story long before we started living it.

Repite 8

2011-06-24T21:06:00.001-04:00

Respite 8 came today. He's a 7mo old vacation placement who will be with us until July 12th. He's so easy going and LOVES baby 4. He's a ball of precious and we are excited to have him. I just swaddled and rocked him to sleep. I missed that since Baby 3.

This is a long respite, and it's going to be hard to give him back- I can already feel it. Baby 4's got big plans for him and 8 this week. He told me they're going to ride in the wagon to the park and play trucks. Best friends!

Sweet as Strawberries

2011-06-17T16:07:00.001-04:00

Our week as been as quiet as foster care can be. Our respite baby didn't come, and Lifebook training got cancelled. Brandon took the week off from work and we spent our time enjoying each other.

We decided to go berry picking today

Baby 4 ended up with a basket of bitten strawberries and a shirt stained with drips.

I love watching my boys together. They have bonded differently than we have. 4 wants to be a man like his Brandon, who he calls Dad sometimes. Brandon is a great example for 4. He works hard, loves us, and is genuinely a great person. As much as I'm honored to be a Mom to a kid who needs one, I'm even more blessed to see Brandon give my kids a Dad when they need one.

Life is sweet.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

2011-06-11T17:32:00.001-04:00

Recently I was filling out a developmental milestone survey about Baby 4. I was marking down all the concerns I have about his wide gait when running or balance on the stairs, his inability to consistently name colors or count to 10, and my observations that his speech is not understood by people who are not familiar with him. The very last page of the questionnaire read What is your favorite thing about your child?

Could I even pick one thing? I love that he dances to the Value City Furniture commercial that comes on during the 6:00 news. I love that he always uses his best manners when he's trying to get out of chores- "No thank you, maybe tomorrow". I love when I tell him to smile for a picture and he makes this face that looks like he's being held captive by savages. I love that he kisses my arm every time I buckle him into his carseat. I love that he tells me exactly what food he has digested before he goes to the bathroom- "Teresa, I have to go poop my eggs from breakfast."

It's easy to get caught up in 4's needs and behaviors. I can spend days talking about his case and medical condition and trauma. What all of that boils down to, though, is love. I love him so much that I can recite his medication schedule in my sleep and make calls to advocate for his educational needs daily. My heart wants to see healing for this angel, but focusing solely on our "To be Improved" list doesn't help either of us. Right now, as he is, Baby 4 brings so much fun, laughter, and love to our home.

Surgery, Relatives, and Court- OH MY!

2011-06-09T22:43:00.002-04:00

We started off the week with a bang- 7am surgery for baby 4 on Monday. I had started prepping him for the hospital 4 days before. Everyday we went through, "You're going to put on pajamas and watch TV in bed while you wait for the Dr. The nurse is going to give you a poke like last time, but I'll hold your hand. Then the Dr will give you a ride in the bed to the room with big lights on ceiling. They'll do a nebulizer mask before your nap and when you wake up, I'll give you your present!".

Since 4's parents have custody of him, they have to sign all consents for medical care. I was able to get consent from Dad at last weeks visit, and didn't I leave it in the kitchen when we left for the hospital? So Brandon had to rush down to the hospital with it before they could take 4 to surgery.

Baby 4 wakes up really cranky from anesthesia, so that spurred my idea to bribe him with a new train set for after surgery. When he woke up, he was still really belligerent, but he was yelling, "Where's my train set?!" instead of trying to jump off the bed like last time. He did so well in recovery, we were able to come home by the afternoon. After an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine, he was up- playing, and eating like normal.

I was expecting 4's bio-family to come to the hospital. I had been told they would call me on Friday to find out the time and would be staying throughout 4's procedure. I wasn't thrilled about being responsible for supervising their interactions with 4, but I could understand their desire to be close while he was in surgery. I had told 4's out of state relative resource that she would need to contact one of the family members who would be present to find out how the surgery went. When no one called me or showed up on Monday, I felt bad relative resource wouldn't know what happened. I called her after 4 was tucked into bed at night. She was very indifferent about 4's medical condition and instead wanted to know if I would be shipping his stuff to her on Wednesday when he is discharged from foster care. I held myself together answered vaguely and nicely like a well-behaved foster parent.

I hung up the phone with relative resource and immediately emailed the caseworker a eloquent version of, What is going on?!? I got a response Tuesday morning that went something like relative resource has a lawyer who is working overtime to get 4 placed out of state. On Wednesday at court, we'll see what happens. Nice. No one had told me about court on Wednesday, and I have a sneaking suspicion I would have never known if I hadn't made that call. There are so many concerns I have with 4 moving anywhere right now, especially with someone who has no idea how to care for him and hasn't even seen him since his medical condition. I definitely let everyone who would listen know every single one of my objections.

Wednesday night, I got a call from the caseworker. She hadn't gone to court, but her supervisor had and told the caseworker nothing happened in court and any decision about relative resource is probably going to take a while. That was all the info we have. I know for sure relative resource wasn't happy about what happened because she didn't call on Wednesday and today she didn't say anything about court. So I got all riled up for no reason.

This is the first case where I haven't been going to court. I never missed one appearance for Babies 1,2, or 3 and their caseworkers have always been very forthcoming with information about times and dates of every hearing. Foster parents have the legal right to attend any and all court dates pertaining to a child in their home. Until the child has been in the home 12 months, foster parents just sit in the gallery. At any point, the foster parents are allowed a lawyer (that they pay out of pocket), but that lawyer would charge $225/hr to sit in the gallery with the foster parents. I like going to court because it gives me clear first hand info about the case, a little face time with the family and law guardian, and shows the judge that normal, committed people love the child. When this case came up, and I was getting resistance from the county about attending court, I thought it wouldn't hurt to step aside this time and skip court. My homefinding caseworker agreed. Was it worth it to rock the foster care boat? I have the right to be there, but not the obligation. Another consideration was the difficulty in getting a trained babysitter for 4 so I can do anything, much less sit in court for hours. After this, though, I think it's time to start getting involved.

That's our week in foster care- never a dull moment. We also turned down two Hallelujah calls for kids over our age range, and I was offered the chance to become a foster parent trainer and co-teach the certification classes in our county. I'll be going to "train the trainer" classes in July.

Next week we're getting respite 8, a seven month old boy, and logging some training hours at a Lifebook seminar. I'm also hoping to get a blog post or two going.

Foster Care Campout

2011-06-06T14:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was our county's foster care campout. Last year they did a Zoo day where they reserved the whole zoo for our county's foster families. We had such a good time with 2 & 3 last year.

It feels great to enjoy an outing where you know that everyone there "gets it". I loved going an entire day without someone asking, "Is he yours?". Instead I answered, "How long has he been with you?", "How are you settling in with him?", and "What judge do you have?". I also got a lot of stories from other Moms who have been in the same boat as me- losing kids and having a medically frail children. It gave me a healthy dose of perspective. I spoke to a Dad who told me about holding his son for the 1st time when he was 4mo old, and is now sending him home in July after nearly 2yrs. I also met a Mom who nearly quit fostering after saying goodbye to her first baby, but stuck it out and now attends these foster care outings with her beautiful adopted daughter and new baby boy.

Baby 4 also had a great time. He was able to see families like ours everywhere he turned and he was able to just have fun without many questions about his appearance or trach. 4 even had a boy play with him who was very proud to show us the small scar where he used to have a trach.

The campground the county reserved this year had a splash park and pool, playground, sandbox, and some hiking trails. We had lunch, listened to music, and played all day with the other families in our community of lovebirds all living their story.

Sometimes It's Nice To Be Normal

2011-05-27T10:56:00.000-04:00

Here's a secret that I will deny if you tell anybody. I love drama. It's a personality flaw that is beyond repairable. Is someone having a bad day? hates their job? fighting with their Mother in law? Please! Come sit next to me- I want to hear about it. Foster care provides a lot of material for my drama addiction.

Every once in a while though, I wonder how other people do it. The people who have children that resemble them and never wonder when their precious baby will be ripped from their arms and moved into the poorest part of the city. What do you do with your time when there are no caseworker visits or court dates. What does it feel like to know for certain that the county will not be calling you today with a baby? I won't ever know for sure, but we took some time this week to just enjoy life as if we are a normal family- No drama.

We played a little softball

Painted a little watercolor

And put away baskets for kids that we are clearly not seeing for Easter.

Being normal isn't my cup of tea, but it's fun to pretend every now and then. The cherry on top of our normal sundae came from Baby 4:

4: "Why do you love me?"
Me:"Because we're family. I will always love you no matter what."
4: "Because you're my Mom."

Recertification

2011-05-25T18:56:00.002-04:00

It's official! We're foster parents for another year. Our recert is done and was rather painless.

Every year our Homefinding caseworker has to update our homestudy. This includes a packet of paperwork, a house inspection, and an office visit.

The manilla envelope of homework included self-assesments that are pretty much a joke. You check Expectation Not Met, Expectation Met, Expectation Exceeded, or Can Not Judge to statements like: Foster parent understands the difference between punishment and discipline and refrains from physical punishment, Keeps the best interest of the child as priority when working with angency, and Supports sibling visits when appropriate. Brandon paid me $5 to check all of his Expectation Met because, really, how else are you going to answer something like that? "Oh, Foster parent has kept all necessry medical and dental appointmaents? Expectation Exeeded! We Rock!". Then there was a list of documentation to gather: car insurance cards, rabbies vaccinations for the animals, certificates from the trainings we did last year (minimum 6hrs/yr), physical forms from our Dr and TB test results are due every other year, confidentiality agreement signed by everyone living in the house, and fire safety checklist.

This was the first year that we had a child who is verbal, so we also had to have Baby 4 fill out a form where he drew pictures answering the questions What was it like living in a family that provides a home for kids in care? and How would you feel if more children came to live in your house?. I could kick myself for not scanning a copy before handing it in. It was a swirly marker mess of cuteness. 4 told me what he drew and I wrote the captions for him that asked for 2 boys and 2 babies to come live with us becuse living in a foster home means playing outside and watching movies .

When our caseworker came over, she let me complain for a little while as she reviewed our documents. Then she walked through our house- checking our smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, fire extinguisher, cabinet locks, and window screens. She took an inventory of our kid space and available beds. She asked us about our support circle and our honest feelings towards taking other children. Then we signed our contract for the next year that agrees to the daily stipend and to complete the required training this year.

We had to make an office visit as well where we would finish up paperwork if we needed and talk to our caseworker without our child present if needed. This office visit was quick though, she took us around to show our faces to the matchers and panhandle a bit for Baby 5. We brought her our family Easter picture and she tacked it up on the bulletin board next to the other ones we've sent at every stage of our family.

Our actual aniversary with foster care is July 29th, so our new certificate won't come until around then. When it does, it comes with a copy of the litle addendum that our caseworker wrote up to modify our homestudy and -my favorite part- the foster parent checklist that was filled out by our kids caseworkers. I like knowing what they say about us. I work really hard going above and beyond to get my kids to visits (We spent 3 hrs at 2&3's Dad's house on CHRISTMAS because there was no one to supervise, but they needed to see him), documenting everything, being at every court date and service plan review, trying to make myself super accessable for homevisits, etc. So it feels kind of nice to see expectation exceeded checked. It's the small things I guess.

Foster Care Blog Hop

2011-05-23T08:49:00.001-04:00

Check out these other Love Stories in honor of National Foster Care Month!

Writer's Block or ADD

2011-05-15T22:31:00.000-04:00

Things have been quiet on our blog lately, but it's not because I have nothing to say. I actually have several posts that are half done and I either can't make them sound nice enough to publish, or I wander off topic while writing and end up with just another half-done post. I'm pretty sure there's a pill for that, but I'm not willing to medicate just yet. I thought I'd try to push past this by whipping up a quick update about the foster-happenings in our house.

May is National Foster Care Month. Our county sent us blue ribbons as a "small token of our appreciation to celebrate all you are and all that you do". The accompanying letter asked us to "wear it proudly". Ah, Free advertising! Little do they know I advertise every chance I get, even without the NFCM excuse. So here's my two cents- There are kids in your backyard that need parents. If you have any inkling that you could be that parent, you should Google "foster care" + your county and attend their next informational meeting.

Baby 4 is doing well. He seems to be settling into our family nicely. This means he's learning how our rules and routine work, so we're seeing less defiance and crying. He's also very comfortable with us, so we're seeing some other issues that he never showed us before. As I spend more time with him, I'm seeing that he's not retaining most of the information we cover during our school time. No colors, counting, or alphabet yet, even though he's 4yrs old. He is also limited to one-step directions. If someone gives him 2 or 3 things to do at once, his behavior deteriorates. He will get on all fours and make animal noises when asked to put his "dinosaur in the toybox, pick up the ball, and bring it to me", but will comply if the steps are given one at a time. I spoke to the pediatrician who made a referral for Early Intervention Services to do an evaluation. I'm hoping the gaps in his learning are from lack of exposure, but even if there is an organic problem- 4yrs old is still early enough to start getting help.

We've also happened upon another issue- sexualized behavior. I first saw it in the hospital when 4 was trying to be silly and he said that his toy was performing a sex act. I stopped that immediately by teaching him the proper terms for genitals and telling him that nobody should touch his penis. If someone tries, he should yell "NO!" and come tell me. We've reviewed that everyday since, and our conversations have lead me to believe that there hasn't been any abuse in his past. He's not shy or excited to talk about it, his reaction is pretty normal when I bring it up. He knows some shocking language, but when I ask "What does that mean?", "Who does that?", "Where did that happen?" he can't give any information. From the words he uses, I think he picked most of it up from adult TV and music. Since we've been home, he has started trying to hug and kiss us inappropriately. It has become very normal in our house to talk about good touch/bad touch, and how adults hug and kiss kids. "We kiss on the cheek to tell you that we love you" and "When you hug someone your penis shouldn't be touching them." are said multiple times everyday. I've kept his caseworker and therapist updated on his behavior, but neither of them have stepped in at this point. We are vigilant about monitoring his interactions with other people. He does not play with other children out of our sight. That's probably unnecessary though, because he hasn't been sneaky with any of his acting out. All of his talk and behavior has been directed to us and very up front.

The next big thing with 4 is that there has been a relative resource identified for him, and she has submitted a petition for custody to the court. This relative lives out of state, so the judge ordered a inter-state compact. That basically means the county here was ordered to contact and work with the county of the relative to get her homestudy-approved and set up with all the services she needs to bring him home with her. The caseworker said that the judge could order an expedited compact that has to be completed in 30 days or it could take up to 3 months. She couldn't remember if the judge in our case had ordered it expedited (more later on the memory of 4's caseworker). I've heard several different opinions about this placement option, and it's way too early to tell if the move will actually happen, but my gut says he's going out of state. Now I'm balancing encouraging attachment with protecting my heart if at all possible. I'm also supporting a phone relationship between this resource and 4. Very early in his case, I gave her my cell number because I thought having a family member to talk to would make his move to my house easier. She has called nearly everyday since he came home. Talking to her everyday is exhausting, but I understand what it feels like to have the child you love and want so desperately to be living with someone you don't know. While this person and 4 were close at one point, I don't think he really knows who she is when they talk. Mostly he just says silly things and copies what I tell him to say:
"4, tell relative resource you love her"
"I love you"
"4, tell her you played outside today"
"I played outside today" **Dino Roar**
If those phone calls are helping, then I'm happy to go the extra mile for Baby 4. Even if they're not, it can't hurt.

With Baby 4's possible Goodbye, we've started lobbying for Baby 5. Having just 4 while we were going through all his medical transitions was a God-send. Now that we're settled, though, having just one child seems odd after we had two for a year. The first call we got was for an 18mo girl who had multiple injuries including broken bones. The timing didn't work out with her needing medical attention and 4 having a new trach, so I had to say no. When I say I had to say no, I mean it. I went through every possible resource we have that would help me balance these two, but it just didn't work. My homefinding caseworker later told me she ended up only being in care for a couple of days before going with relatives, so it was kind of a blessing we couldn't say yes. Then we got repites 6&7 for a week, during which I decided we need a baby. I called my homefinding caseworker and told her we prefer our next placement be under 18mo. That same day we got a call for... an 11yr old boy. What? No, matchers, sorry. So we're still waiting for Baby 5, but I'm keeping hope alive by washing and keeping out our preemie sized clothes.

Hopefully this ends my writers block. I'd like to start posting more. We are having our recertification inspection on Tuesday, so expect a detailed account of that if I don't think of anything more interesting in the mean time.

I don't need a day, I need my baby

2011-05-08T23:55:00.001-04:00

I haven't been posting much lately because I don't want this blog to sound all melancholy and mopey.
Foster Care has been a very happy and fulfilling journey for me. It's a path that I would choose again if I could do it all over. I love the person, faith, and marriage that has developed through my intersections with my babies and their families. My heart is full to capacity with the love and great memories Foster Care has brought me - and I'm excited because I know that someway, somehow more love will find a place as we add to our story.

At this very moment, however, I'm feeling the other end of the foster care experience. The part where I was "Mommy" to 3 beautiful babies who own my heart, but I can't hold, kiss, or rock any of them. They are celebrating today with people who don't know all the verses to "How much is that doggie in the window?"or that they like oatmeal made with apple juice. I don't know if they went to church this morning or if they had a nightmare last night. I can't kiss their next boo-boo though I want to so badly.

Flowers from my Mom

The fact is that Foster Care doesn't even try to give children the best life possible, it tries to give children their biological family. If their family is even remotely capable of giving the child a bed and meals, they get their kids back. Accepting that goal is part of being a foster parent. It's difficult to KNOW your child would have better nutrition, sleep schedule, schooling, vacations, and more hugs and kisses with you than with their bio-family, but that doesn't matter because the goal says that shared DNA trumps everything else. Today when I got a "Happy Mother's Day!" greeting, it was hard not to cry. I'd give up every single Mother's Day greeting, gift, and dinner for eternity if I could hold my babies right now. While the very caring people around me acknowledged my Motherhood, I had to go through the day without a single child calling me Mama.

Cupcake Cake from Brandon

This week we've had Respites 6 & 7 this week and they are really fun. They have the same types of medical needs as Baby 4, so their care fits nicely into our normal routine. 6 is the same age as 4 and they mostly enjoy each others company (although sharing is not a strong suit for either). 7 is 2yrs old, but she looks 18mo- tops. She has a very advanced vocabulary and this really delicate voice that makes her sound like an old woman. While she does her best to keep up with the boys, she still needs to be cuddled and babied sometimes. I've been more than happy to oblige. She gets tube feeds overnight and her foster mom told me that she has disconnected herself before, making a big mess by the time everyone else wakes up in the morning. I decided to put her in the crib in our room so I can make sure that doesn't happen here. I love love love having a baby in the crib in our room. A child that sleeps through the night is a great little roommate! It's given me quite the case of baby fever.

Respites 6, 7, & Baby 4

Our homefinding caseworker called me on Wednesday to set up a time for our re-cert inspection. She asked me what I thought of taking other placements, or if we wanted to put a hold on our house until we are better settled with Baby 4. She said that we are likely to get calls quickly now that we have done well with medically frail children. I told her we would want another as long as Baby 4 can remain the oldest, so under 4yrs old. Now I'm rethinking that- I really miss babies. While I want to call her first thing tomorrow and say, "Scratch what I said before, we want another placement under 1yr old.", I'm also questioning the intensity of my feelings. I kind of feel like the woman who wants to get pregnant to save her marriage, but of course that doesn't work because a baby just puts stress on the fractures that were already there. Do I want a baby just to smooth over the struggles I'm having with foster care? Will a baby just set me up for more heartbreak and doubt in the system that I'm a part of? Or would a baby just be awesome, and I over think EVERYTHING? Time will tell I guess, because you know if I get a Hallelujah call, I'm saying yes.

There's No Place Like Home

2011-05-02T12:06:00.002-04:00

We've been discharged!! It feels so good to get home and settle into our new normal.

My first task was to set up all of Baby 4's medical equipment and supplies:

Toy Bins turned into fluid/tubing organizer

Walls and dresser hold schedules and suction machine

Bedside we have his overnight forced air, humidifier, and nebulizer

The crib doubles as our wound care station

Even the space between the crib & toybox holds trach care trays

The first night was the scariest. Our plan was to have a baby monitor in 4's room so we could hear if his breathing changed or if his trach needed suction. Unfortunately, the humidification machine he's hooked up to at night sounds like a diesel truck, so the monitor only picks that up. So frequent checks are a must overnight. He did fine though, and I'm starting to relax as the nights go by.

Life with a trach is not very complicated with Baby 4 since his lungs are healthy. He eats, speaks, and plays like every other kid. The caveat is that if there were to ever be an issue with his trach like it getting clogged or falling out, the situation becomes very severe very quickly. To combat that, Baby 4 must have his trach supplies and a person trained in his care with him at all times. I tested our going out skills with a trip to the barber shop. Armed with 2 extra trachs, suction, and a rescue breather- we headed out.

The barber was nosey, but he did some nice edge work

I expected some looks or questions about his trach, but I didn't expect the barbers response to Baby 4, "Excuse me Ma'am, He wouldn't happen to be the boy from the newspaper, would he?" Out of the 210 thousand people in our city, you recognize this one child? Ugh! There have been an alarming number of news stories in our area involving children recently, so I said, "Hmm, I'm not sure. He's recovering very well though, Thank you for asking." During the haircut, he asked what the the trach does and where his parents are. It was super uncomfortable, but I was able deflect and give simple, vague answers. Thankfully, Baby 4 was enamored by Judge Mathis playing on the shop's big screen TV, so he didn't pick up on the conversation. I thought being interviewed like that was the worst, but I was wrong.

Playing alone in the rock quarry

After gaining some confidence with our first day trip, we were ready for a day trip to the museum. I hauled around 4's equipment and had so much fun with him. The experience was so much different from when I took the other babies. We saw so many more exhibits and talked about pirates, superheros, and trains. I realized pretty quickly that there was another big difference from when I brought 2 & 3 here. We were playing largely by ourselves. No one asked me any questions about Baby 4's scars or trach. They just left a lot of room between us and their children. I saw a Mom at the train exhibit staring at 4 and when he walked towards her child, she told her to share and they left. At that moment I wished I could have been back at the barber answering probing questions. At least the barber knew scars aren't contagious and touched 4 without a hazmat suit on. This interaction bothered only me. Baby 4 was having so much fun, he took no notice of other people's reaction to him.

He looks perfect to me

It left me thinking though, how long will he stay unaware of his differences? He'll be 6yrs old before his trach comes out, and his scars will never completely go away. While we were getting ready for church on Sunday, I started to prep him:

Me: Why do you have a trach?
4: Because I'm a boy!
Me: Silly! Your trach helps you breath, right?
4: yes
Me: Not a lot of people have trachs. Yours is very special. Some kids have never seen a trach, so they might look at it funny when they see yours. They don't know what it is, so it's OK to tell them.
4: **uninterested eyeroll**
Me: So if someone was looking at your trach, you could say, "That's my trach, it helps me breath"
4: **completely tuned out**

It took a whole 5 seconds in children's church for a little boy to start getting close to oblivious baby 4. I walked over and said, "That's his trach, it helps him breath better". The little boy found that very sufficient and started playing the game that 4 was along side him. Preparation is the key to pleasant outings with a visibly different child. I'm getting it...

All around, this time is full of thankfulness. Thankful for great friends who have been calling and texting with their well-wishes and support, feeding us, and bringing gifts for 4.Thankful that my family can be together and comfortable. Thankful that, after all Baby 4 has endured, staring is our biggest problem. Thankful for recovery of all sorts. there's no place like home!

Because He Lives

2011-04-24T22:37:00.000-04:00

Easter 2010 is on my list of favorite days along with my wedding, closing on our house, and getting our 1st Hallelujah call.

Baby 2- Easter 2010- 18mo old

Last year's Easter was actually spent in the hospital too. Baby 3 was a preemie who spent a little less than a month in the NICU at the same hospital Baby 4 is at. Easter was the second Sunday we had him in church with us. He was 4lbs 9oz that day. Babies 2 & 3 fit perfect in our arms, hearts, and family. I remember getting up early to straighten my hair and put food in the electric roaster for our family dinner. We got the boys ready in cute plaid outfits that were in the same color family as the shirts we were wearing. At church, everybody stopped and cooed over the boys: "They're so cute!", "He's so little!", "You're so blessed!". By the end of service, both of them had pooped through their outfits and were wearing adorable summer attire because it was super nice out that day. We got home, finished dinner, and expected the family by 3pm. At 2:40, I went to change Baby 3 and saw blood in his diaper. I rushed around like a maniac gathering things to go to Emergency. After waiting in a room for 4hrs, the Dr's told me it was diaper rash and to keep Vaseline on his fanny. Once I was home, the whole family took turns loving Baby 3 and I ate dinner with Baby 2 on my lap. It was exactly how I had pictured my life- a snapshot of how God loves me and hears my prayers.

Baby 3- Easter 2010- 1mo 1day old

Today was a different kind of God experience. At 6am, a patient care tech came into our room and announced that the Easter bunny had come while plopping down 3 kinds of candy, stickers, silly bandz and a stuffed rabbit. Baby 4 woke up ready to eat some chocolate while I realized that it wasn't even truly morning yet and I had not prepared for how I would explain the hospitals version of Easter vs. Jesus being risen from the dead to Baby 4. After a failed attempt to tell 4 that it is still night time, and he could see what came when it was morning, I grabbed my Bible and got in bed with him.

Baby 4- Easter 2011- 4yrs

We reviewed that Jesus is God who made us and loves us. I told him Jesus saw that we were doing naughty things. He didn't want us to be away from Him ever, so he came all the way down from Heaven and died on the cross so that his Blood could cover up all our naughty choices. BUT HE DIDN'T STAY DEAD! After 3 days, Jesus' friends were really sad that He died, and they went to the place where His body was, but He wasn't there! He was alive! Only Jesus can make someone be alive again after they die. Because Jesus' blood covers all our naughties. We get to go to Heaven and live with Him when He comes to get us. On Easter, we have a big party to celebrate that Jesus is alive and we get to live with Him in Heaven someday. "That's why you get to wake up very early and eat candy, because today is a happy day."

Church, Eggs, & Bagels

We watched my church's live web broadcast of Easter service while we ate breakfast. Brandon came up after church (with more candy) and we spent the whole day as a family. We played soccer on the play deck and watched Shrek. My Mom brought Easter dinner to us, and it was delicious. Brandon and I tucked Baby 4 in together after a great day.

Today I rejoice that my Jesus has power over death and the grave. The Highest of High cares for me. Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, is tuned into my sorrow and short comings. He knows where I am and wishes to restore me.

"It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all His doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God's gift has restored our relationship with Him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this. " Titus 3:3-8 (The Message)
Last Easter, Jesus met me where I was. This Easter, I'm pushing past where I am to draw closer to Him. I am thankful today. Thankful for the cross, thankful for baby 4, and thankful for Our Love Story.

Time Flies When You Have A Routine!

2011-04-21T11:45:00.003-04:00

We are a full week into our hospital stay, and doing pretty well. We are very fortunate to live 10min away from a good children's hospital. They have been very helpful with making our stay as comfortable as possible. I sleep on a pull out couch in 4's room, and am blogging from it right now. The Child Life specialist comes by every day to bring toys, books, and craft supplies. She also set us up with some sweet homeschool supplies, so we have started preschool in the PICU! There is free internet access, and an ice machine...what more could we need?

The cloth doll given to baby 4 by the child life specialist

She helped us give him a trach

Our classroom

College Prep Work

The Ronald McDonald House has been a HUGE help to us. They feed me and Brandon everyday and provide free use of their washer and dryer. The volunteers have been so nice, calling us by name, and answering all of our questions. If you are ever looking for an awesome charity to give to, click here. I can attest to the great work the organization does. Having clean clothes and hummus with pita bread today made the entire world look a little brighter.

One of my fears when I realized we were headed for an extended hospital stay with 4 was that his behavior would regress after he had made so much progress this past month. When we first met, he was completely in charge of his whole day. He was rude to mostly everyone- either in tone when he chose to speak, or when he would make animal noises in response to a request. He was watching hours of TV on end, sometimes repeating the same movie 3 times in a row with no one stopping him. He was barely sleeping, going to bed at midnight and waking at 8am with no nap. I wanted to do everything I could to prevent that slip back into monster-mania.

The first thing I did was make a schedule and hang it up in his room. The nurses here are the same ones who experienced his craziness during his last stay, and I wanted to let them know that his behavior can and will be acceptable. When he waits for me to use the bthroom so he can ask the nurse to turn te TV on, the schedule is there to tell them both that play is the priority for a 4yr old, not movies.

Here's our schedule:

7am- Wake up, dressed, TV time
8am- TV off, breakfast
8:30-10am-Playtime, TV off
10am- Table time- Shapes, Colors, ABC's, Counting
11am-Nap
12:30pm-lunch
12:30-2pm-Movie
2-6pm- Playtime- TV off
5pm- dinner
6pm- Meds, Trach care, PJ's, Stories, Songs
7pm-Lights out

It has worked wonders!! The TV time has served as a valuable currency between me and Baby 4. He earns it by following morning directions and taking a nap and he gives it up by hissing at the nurses or calling the patient care tech, "Nasty". He's also just all around easier to handle when he's well-rested. Having the schedule also helps me break up my day so it doesn't feel so long. I know that when I'm playing "What's this dinosaur?" for the 103rd time in 20min, that in just 75min, nap time is coming!

How do you play "What's this dinosaur?"- Something like this:
Kid (sitting in front of a box of dinosaur toys): What's this dinosaur?
Adult: I don't know
Kid: It's a T-Rex
Adult: Oh, that's right. See? You're so smart, you don't even need me! (thinking:"Maybe I can sneak in a couple minutes of reading my Marie Claire magazine)
Kid(holding up new dino): What's this dinosaur? (thinking: "You can't escape, you will answer me!"
Adult: Umm.. anklosaurus
Kid: You said it was a brontosaurus last time
Adult (thinking:"I made up answers both times"): You know, nap is only 75min away, we should start cleaning up now.

The next step is staying on top of his language and attitude. I instituted a policy that 4 will speak- in English- to any grown up wearing scrubs (or pajamas, if you ask him). He is doing really well, even saying thank you to the maintenance person who empties our trash. When he growls, refuses to answer a question, or is rude, he has to put away everything he's doing and sit by himself until he decides to do the right thing. If the adult leaves before this happens, he has to wait until a new adult comes in so he can speak nicely before the TV goes back on or the toys come out. People in pajamas come through his room a million times per day and I've only had to break out the discipline 3 times. He figured out it's easier to say "I'm good" when the Dr asks than to miss out on your favorite part of Nemo (the shark part).

Lastly, we've been doing a lot of reading. There's a rocking chair in our room, and my favorite part of the day (second only to "What's this dinosaur?") is rocking him in my lap and reading to him.

Our Library

By far, the greatest Amazon find of all times is The Star by Cynthia Miller Lovell. It is a kids book about foster care from the view of a preschooler. It's the perfect bed-time story length and 4 loves it. The only change I would make is that the majority of the people in it are white, which isn't necessary.

The Star follows Kit through being removed from her home, placed in a foster family, and her first visit with her caseworker. She talks to a Star outside her bedroom window who assures her she's a good girl and not alone. Baby 4 identifies with one page in particular:

Baby 4 loves to tell me how he's feeling using this page

We read it almost everyday now, and we both love it.

The plan is to move out of ICU tonight or tomorrow, and we're one step closer to going home! While being here is still tough on both me and Baby 4, our routine is certainly helping move things along!

Model Material

2011-04-20T20:28:00.003-04:00

About a year ago I got a Facebook friend request from Beckett Franklin Gray. She messaged me asking if she could use my profile picture in her new book about transracial adoption. "Of course!"

Last month, Respite 5's foster parents sent me an Amazon gift card as a "Thank you" for taking him with no notice. I was excited to buy some books, so I searched for "transracial adoption" and found The Hybrid Family by Beckett Franklin Graham. Interesting! I wondered if my picture made it in, and ordered it.

hy·brid [ hbrid ]

plant resulting from crossing: a plant produced from a cross between two plants with different genetic constituents.
animal resulting from cross-species mating: an animal that results from the mating of parents from two distinct species or subspecies
result of mixing elements: something made up of a mixture of different aspects or components

Synonyms: cross, mix, amalgam, fusion, crossbreed

I love the term hybrid family. A hybrid is not just a messy mix of whatever was lying around, it's an intentional blend of two existing things that's meant to improve their current condition. I feel like that's exactly what and adoptive, transracial family is like.

Hybrids are beautiful and exotic

Who doesn't want a Hybrid?

It came in the mail today, and I was thrilled when I looked inside!

Me and Baby 3- Page 58